Worried about my little girl so much

[Worriedmummy7878]

Name changed for this, posting here for advice..
My little girl and I fled severe domestic abuse.. Her father is an extremely violent and dangerous individual. We are now in hiding through a protection scheme.
I've been court ordered to make her available for interim contact in a contact centre where he has seemingly won over the staff and gets glowing reports.. It twists my stomach inside. Several times the supervisors have said contact is positive because of me and that I haven't denigrated him in front of her..
Our next hearing in a finding of fact hearing in the summer. He's denying all of the abuse and of course blaming me. He abused his daughter also.
I'm now scared because my daughter keeps saying she's scared of him, she's been having the most horrific night terrors when I go in to her she's sweating and shaking and clings onto me.. She says she's scared and I ask what she's scared of and she says daddy :( the damage he's done is irrevocable and he deserves to rot in hell for what he's done to her.
What can I do, how do I tell someone about this. This has been recurring for weeks now. My daughter is nearly 3 and was around 18 months when the domestic abuse was at its most horrific point, she's witnessed and heard her father do the most horrific things to me.. She's been subject to physical and emotional abuse from him also.
I don't know what to do.
I'm represented by a solicitor who is of the firm belief it'll all go wrong for him at the fact finding stage as he's denying abuse that was documented by the police and children's services, the court in itself will find that disturbing.
I'm just so worried about my little girl and don't know what else to do except reassure her and keep her safe.

I am so sorry, OP. I hope you and your little girl can get help and peace. Can you access counselling for her via your GP or some other route? Get it documented at the GP, SS, everywhere you can. Sending you all hope and good wishes for the future.

Self refer back to social services. Tell them you are being forced into contact and the effect its having on your daughter.
YY to this.

Document everything she says, the night terrors.

Can you find a play therapist to work with her?

A play therapist would be a useful witness for you, and would also be able to help your DD.

www.bapt.info/

Maybe the GP could refer her.

I’m so sorry to hear of all you’ve been through and so glad you have escaped.
Your friends suggestion of contacting your GP is a good one, I would also speak to your health visitor and explore some play therapy to help your little girl to process all that she has experienced and witnessed.
Have you had the opportunity to access any counselling?
If they are not involved already Womens Aid should be well placed to advise you both on accessing support and in your concerns about contact.

OP what is your DD's behaviour like, following supervised contact. You must start recording how the contact affects her mood... her behaviour.. her sleep. Keep a diary and share the information with social workers, because whilst supervised contact appears to be going well, the affects of the contact are equally relevant.

Start recording everything. 🌸

Sorry, I meant to add...

Is she unsettled.. distressed ... fearful... night terrors.. anxiety..

behavioural changes.. following contact is very relevant, and will help your case.

Speak to your HV asap. They have to liaise with social services and are responsible for child protection/ safeguarding under 5 year olds.

That sounds terrible. Keep a detailed diary. Video her night terrors and what she's saying. Speak to your GP. Do as much as you can go so it's not just your word against his.

Prepare yourself that the supervised contact could lead to periods of unsupervised contact if it appears to go well.

Document everything. Police for any threats he makes to you or her. Doctor. Psychologist etc. It took 9 years til my ex lost parental responsibility. Very very hard. Do you have any witnesses to anything?

@Eviebeans

Prepare yourself that the supervised contact could lead to periods of unsupervised contact if it appears to go well.

Cafcass have actually said if he continues to say that he didn't perpetrate abuse and findings are made against him then there's no safe way contact can move forward. They are concerned about the fact he doesn't know where we live also. I'm not sure how that would work.

Night terrors in 3 year olds is very commmon.I can't 100% reassure you that he won't get contractor refusing to admit to be being abusive to you and your child will certainly not persuade the courts that he should have unsupervised contact.

[quote Worriedmummy7878]@ellie56 no I never once pressed charges because I was so scared of him. In the final years it was with him the police call outs went into double numbers and different agencies made child protection referrals. When we relocated she was put on a child in need plan but immediately got taken off it as the local authority where we transferred her to deemed her as safe as she was with me.[/quote]
I’m surprised the Police didn’t try to prosecute him without your co-operation. Every credit to you for managing to leave. There’s some great advice on here about telling every possible agency about your daughter’s distress.

Christ, you have had a horrific time, well done for getting out....

Please take all the good advice here SS,GP document everything, film her saying how frightened she is of her father, lodge this with all you can , Gp, SS etc.

Be very vocal about his abuse make every statement, record every harrasment or such. Good luck.

Just hate that he's still terrorising us :(

Would you consider some therapy for your little girl? The notes might also be able to be used as evidence at a later stage?

Keep a diary. Write everything down.

Get therapy. At the very least it means a 3rd party can testify to the abuse.

If I were you I’d be making plans to “disappear” too, as a last resort. Is there anywhere you can go? Any relatives abroad? Although brexit may have nixed that as you can’t just up and leave for an EU country like pp’s friend.

i actually think she needs to be put on a child protection plan or at least a child in need plan. Go to your doctor and ask them to put a safeguarding alert in based in. She is not safe at the moment if she is scared. Again always talk about her behaviour not your wishes.

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes I am waiting for the gp to call me now, what should I say to him about it? I've never seen her so terrified in my life I was about to record her on the baby monitor then she started thrashing around and I got scared and bolted up the stairs :(

I knew a woman who ran too. I would normally suggest staying close to family, but if I was you, I would flee and never look back.
(Although as someone said earlier, at your DD’s age, night terrors are very common. Still tell the GP though).
Good luck to you both!!

You tell them what you’ve been through, that’s she’s having night terrors and other behaviours. Then you ring children’s social care, you wouldn’t meet threshold here for a child protection plan because you’ve protected her by leaving but would hopefully get child in need given her emotional distress and a plan would be put in place to support her.

Contact health visitor ( they deal with safeguarding children and health issues around this) hopefully you are already known to them and your daughter is listed as a vulnerable child or has a plan in place? Do you have a social worker? Call them. Get it on her records ASAP health visitors are always dealing with this sort of thing they can help your daughter but also have everything officially recorded so in court you have proof of the damage visitation is doing ( they do court repots regularly). Best way to get this all stopped is go down all the official routes

Can you talk to the police about this now. Ask if you can do anything. Show texts or photos or anything from that time. Witnesses? Anything? Get advise. Belt and braces all the time. Never stop gathering evidence. It's unlikely that it'll just be one trip to court. They don't give up that easily. 5 x we had to go back to court.

Christ that’s awful. Hugs for you and your dd. This may not go down well, BUT , can you set up a voice/sound activated recorder in her room? I know it may seem a terrible thing to do ,
But that’s the only way you can prove the effect this having on her. Surely primary first hand proof like this would be irrefutable and ensure he is kept away from her?? Sorry no legal or helpful advice.

Just spoken to the gp who will make a referral to children's services emotional wellbeing.. We've had many referrals made but they just end up with a no further action letter. It seems because I fled that she's safe and we don't meet the threshold for help.. I'm so terrified of him. Feels like he's going to terrorise her forever.

OP, I really feel for you & wish I had something more positive to say. However, if you do record your child's night terrors, try really hard not to ask leading questions like "is it Daddy?" Instead use the TED acronym that teachers are trained to use: Tell me, explain, describe. I know she's very young, but if she is articulate, "tell me what happened" is understandable for her, and puts you in a better light. I wish you well.