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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed with family and friends not knowing my name

83 replies

FartleBarfle · 05/05/2021 13:40

I think I am being oversensitive but I can't help getting bothered every time people get my name wrong. I am married but didn't take my husband's name, which I know is not conventional but I thought it was more common these days. If someone I know gets married, I always ask if they plan to take the name rather than make an assumption.

Many people just changed my name in their heads and cannot seem to change it back. Bare in mind it's still the same on social media, email addresses, and all my formal documents. I do tell anyone that asks what my name is but people just presume.

This has caused embarrassment for example at my brother in law's wedding at an exclusive venue, I arrived separately to my husband and was asked my name on arrival. I was told I wasn't on the list. I didn't realise it was done by surname as I couldn't see the list but once we realised the mistake I was made to feel stupid for not saying my husband's surname. I hadn't even considered it!

My own father has booked tickets for a table for me under my husband's surname (when he wasn't even there) which caused confusion as I was just told it was under my surname.

I have also had a package sent to me that I had to collect with ID which I did not have in that name.

And now we have just received a wedding invitation where they have spelled my first name wrong and put my husband's surname - the RSVP is already prepopulated, so it feels like I'm being difficult to contact them separately to say that it's not my name.

Why can't I just accept that some people will just call me by my husband's name whatever I say and move on? I feel like I am being irrational and should just go by either, but it really bothers me when this happens. Does anyone have any advice or experience the same? Is it being petty to correct people all the time?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2021 13:44

Your family is really, really weird, and I would be fed up with them. I know loads of women who didn't change their name and it's never been an issue for them. I'd be reading them all the riot act at this point because this is hugely disrespectful.

SardineJam · 05/05/2021 13:47

YANBU, I didn't change my surname but it's the common thing to do in the UK, so would assume we are in the minority. So whilst it's rude I accept that people won't 'get it' and always expect to have to provide both surnames in case

Original poster
FartleBarfle · 05/05/2021 13:49

@Aquamarine1029 thanks for your support. I do find this weird, it feels like I don't have a say in my own name.

But I keep telling myself they don't mean it in a sinister way, it's like people just can't process it. I am suprised that it's not more common in this day and age.

OP posts:
SwanShaped · 05/05/2021 13:50

It’s really annoying. I didn’t change my name either. I don’t mind if people assume but it’s annoying if you’ve corrected them. And they still do it.

PenCreed · 05/05/2021 13:51

This infuriates me as well - the table booking is particularly ridiculous! I just correct people, and with the RSVP I definitely would as they've spelt your first name wrong as well.

Weirdly, my parents are the ones more likely to address a joint parcel to Mr & Mrs DH surname, my ILs never do it!

HotPenguin · 05/05/2021 13:52

YANBU! Sometimes people forget/make mistakes, but the wedding example is awful. You should correct them every time, not in a cross way, but just letting them know your name is actually X. I definitely would correct the senders of the wedding invite, before they print name cards for places etc.

Billandben444 · 05/05/2021 13:53

For your family to get it wrong is just plain sloppy and they need their heads knocking together. Friends and acquaintances not so much but I don't know why it's so difficult for them - it's the same as an unmarried couple and presumably they cope with different surnames then. I think the truth is that some people can't be bothered but I can see why it's awkward for you. We've lived together for 21 years and workmen usually address me by his name and it doesn't bother me. I'd read your family the riot act.

Lessthanaballpark · 05/05/2021 13:53

I get you OP. A family member called me by my ex’s surname long after I’d gotten divorced even though I’d never taken his name when we were married.

It’s just odd.

BrumBoo · 05/05/2021 13:53

The fact it's causing you inconvenience alone should be enough to be angry, but it's also really disrespectful. However, there's no magic way to fix this other than to tell anyone and everyone who should know better (like family) how rude they're being. It was your name your whole life before you married, surely that takes some effort to 'conveniently forget', especially by your father? Does he have a wife, because I'd be very tempted to start referring to him as 'Mr Her-Surname', see how he likes it.

motherloaded · 05/05/2021 13:54

You are being a bit ridiculous. Most people would just give their names/ husband names on bookings, you are trying to make a point playing the "confusion" and "difficulty" when it doesn't need to be.

It's pretty obvious, most men I know check their name and their wive's name before being "embarrassed".

Inmypjsagain · 05/05/2021 13:55

This has happened to me too, every wedding invite and card we get is Mr and Mrs X- I also turned up at a wedding and gave my name and was not on the list.

I’ve told everyone a few times now, so has my husband- who corrects everyone and points it out saying that’s not her names but nothing has changed, so I’ve given up now!

WingingItEveryDay7 · 05/05/2021 13:55

YANBU, it's normal now to keep your name, I know loads! Part of my job is taking details of people and when I'm told to include the spouse, I always ask for their surname, I never assume. Your family/friends are rude and I would definitely say something because it would continuously wind me up x

Aprilshowersandhail · 05/05/2021 13:56

When we got engaged I changed my surname to dh's first name!! So I am forever trying to explain!!

Original poster
FartleBarfle · 05/05/2021 13:56

Thank you for all your support everyone. I am glad you understand why this frustrates me!

@BrumBoo that's so funny, my Dad actually did take his wife's surname 😂😂

OP posts:
Zzzzzzxxx · 05/05/2021 13:56

My brother couldn’t get in to the labour ward for a while whilst his wife was given birth as he forgot she changed his name to his when they got married 🤦🏼‍♀️

Triffid1 · 05/05/2021 13:58

@motherloaded

You are being a bit ridiculous. Most people would just give their names/ husband names on bookings, you are trying to make a point playing the "confusion" and "difficulty" when it doesn't need to be.

It's pretty obvious, most men I know check their name and their wive's name before being "embarrassed".

Aaah, I was quite surprised to read so many posts first that agreed you were not being unreasonable as I thought this sort of post would be in the majority.

YANBU. I mostly employ the approach that making the mistake once is fine, but if the person has been told, repeatedly, that your name is X, continuing to use Y is rude and passive aggressive.

If DH and I were going to a hotel that had been booked by someone else, I might well check both surnames because it could be under either. But I can honestly say that if my dad made a reservation for me, without DH, it wouldn't even occur to me to check under DH's name.

I also get annoyed that you can keep all your email, social media etc with your own name and people STILL make assumptions. Why?!

BrumBoo · 05/05/2021 14:00

@FartleBarfle

Thank you for all your support everyone. I am glad you understand why this frustrates me!

@BrumBoo that's so funny, my Dad actually did take his wife's surname 😂😂

How very progressive of him! I expect he's expects you to respect that though. Shame he doesn't do the same for you.
Original poster
FartleBarfle · 05/05/2021 14:01

@motherloaded I am not making a point in playing confusion or being difficult 😂😂😂 it's not my name so naturally when I tell a restaurant my name and they say I have no booking I don't automatically assume that it must be my husband - especially if he's not with me at the time! Same for the wedding, I said my first and surname and didn't know it was ordered by surname, they didn't tell me until after.

There have been many circumstances where I would check both names but not always and not in the first few years after marriage when I was not expecting it.

OP posts:
MsMarch · 05/05/2021 14:04

I organise all activities for the DC. I've learnt to remember to highlight that the DC don't have the same name as me but I'm always a little surprised that these activities all just assume they do. I'd have thought in this day and age that a standard response to a generic enquiry would include asking the child's full name and not making assumptions.

DuckonaBike · 05/05/2021 14:04

Of course YANBU. It's really rude to keep getting someone's name wrong and is bound to cause practical problems. I don't know why some people don't get this!

motherloaded · 05/05/2021 14:05

FartleBarfle

as someone who has also kept her name (so haven't got the same name as my own kids, which makes international travelling so much more fun Hmm )

I still find you precious and frankly a bit ridiculous.

Being annoyed that close people can't accept or remember your own name is one thing, but the whole "embarrassment" is ridiculous.

RhodaDendron · 05/05/2021 14:05

Yanbu... I haven’t changed my name and I’m fine with mix ups but your family are being ridiculous (and no you aren’t ‘playing the “confusion”... what does that even mean!).
It may be common for women to change their names but there are so, so many variations now, with double barrelling, cultural differences, divorce, having kids without being married, marrying without changing names... it’s never sensible to assume a name change.

EverythingRuined · 05/05/2021 14:07

It’s a bit annoying but I think you are really overplaying the ‘embarrassment’ and ‘confusion’ aspect.

The parcel thing is mildly annoying but it’s never been an actual problem when it’s happened to me. I wouldn’t give the wedding invite mistake any headspace.

Have you got kids? If so have you given them your name or your husbands or a joint name?

If I was getting married again I think I’d prefer a brand new family surname. We could chose something we liked and we wouldn’t be continuing the outdated tradition of children having their fathers (or their mothers fathers) names.

tofuschnitzel · 05/05/2021 14:13

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I kept my surname when I got married. Some members of my husband's family still insist on calling me "Tofu Husband's Surname", despite being told many times that that is not my name. I know people say not to get worked up about it, but how would they feel if people repeatedly got their name wrong? At this point, after five years of marriage, it comes across as deliberate and disrespectful. I know it can be tricky to do, but pull them up on it every time it happens, particularly if it's your side of the family as they really should know better.

stillsleeptraining · 05/05/2021 14:14

This happens to me too - zero family members send post using my correct name. Some change it to my husband's name, some make it double barrelled, some do the awful Mr & Mrs [man's first name and last name]. I'm also a Ms.

I've spoken to several people about it, including my mum and they just say "Well, you're married so that's your name". The most amusing thing is that these are the Daily Mail readers who also defend the most awful things by saying "Yes that's my / their choice". So I ask if I have a choice to change it ("Yes") but clearly I don't if you've changed it for me.

It's rude and shit, but you can't change people.