To get annoyed with family and friends not knowing my name

[FartleBarfle]

I think I am being oversensitive but I can't help getting bothered every time people get my name wrong. I am married but didn't take my husband's name, which I know is not conventional but I thought it was more common these days. If someone I know gets married, I always ask if they plan to take the name rather than make an assumption.

Many people just changed my name in their heads and cannot seem to change it back. Bare in mind it's still the same on social media, email addresses, and all my formal documents. I do tell anyone that asks what my name is but people just presume.

This has caused embarrassment for example at my brother in law's wedding at an exclusive venue, I arrived separately to my husband and was asked my name on arrival. I was told I wasn't on the list. I didn't realise it was done by surname as I couldn't see the list but once we realised the mistake I was made to feel stupid for not saying my husband's surname. I hadn't even considered it!

My own father has booked tickets for a table for me under my husband's surname (when he wasn't even there) which caused confusion as I was just told it was under my surname.

I have also had a package sent to me that I had to collect with ID which I did not have in that name.

And now we have just received a wedding invitation where they have spelled my first name wrong and put my husband's surname - the RSVP is already prepopulated, so it feels like I'm being difficult to contact them separately to say that it's not my name.

Why can't I just accept that some people will just call me by my husband's name whatever I say and move on? I feel like I am being irrational and should just go by either, but it really bothers me when this happens. Does anyone have any advice or experience the same? Is it being petty to correct people all the time?

@tectonicplates

YANBU. I didn't change my surname when I got married, and most people are fine with that, but there's one family member who sends me a card every year, addressed to me with my husband's surname. I've mentioned it several times now, and I've come to the conclusion that she's doing it deliberately to make some kind of political point, almost to say what women should do if they're doing it properly?

I should also point out that in the OP's second last paragraph, she's mentioned a wedding invitation where they got her first name wrong. This is so disrespectful, like you're so unimportant that we can't even be bothered to learn your name. My husband is from another country, and his name, while more or less unknown in the UK, is really not that difficult to spell. It's as if they can't be bothered to learn how to spell it because it's a "weird foreign name". It would take them two minutes to contact a member of the family to check the spelling, but no, they can't even be bothered to do that, so they just invent a spelling. It's basically like saying he's not really welcome in the family.

I would be very tempted to return that family member's card return to sender addressee not known.

@R1bbons

I should mention I also have received cheques than I have not been able to cash. Most people asked about it when they saw the money had not gone out of their account and I explained then. But for those who didn't ask I did feel awkward saying. I think because for some reason it feels emotionally charged I do feel uncomfortable bringing it up with people.

Also to clarify for a number of people around the restaurant booking, I wouldn't purposely feign confusion because it was my husband's name, I would have checked that immediately had he been there! It was the first time I realised my dad didn't know my name, and obviously I future I would bare this in mind.

I like what the PP said about Archie saying "I would prefer to be known as Archie". I might phrase it like that in future. I need to get a response lined up to stop the awkward feeling...

@user113424742258631134

Thanks for your support, I think these people might be overplaying it in their own head 😂😂😂

I didn’t change my name on marriage and have had any number of ridiculous situations over the years, including the home office addressing my indefinite leave to remain to the wrong name!

@BlackDaffodil

Yes of course I was pretty vocal about it at the time as I felt it was very important to me for various reasons. My husband was really supportive about it too and gets more annoyed than me about it - he is furious his friend got my name wrong today.

I might send out a memo to the world, write a passive aggressive blog or something 😂😂

I won't say all of my friends do this, most people get it - like a PP said there is a correlation between those that change my name and their own traditional values.

You either change your Surname or you don't, it's no big deal, many women keep their own Surname. Why your husband needs to support that decision, seems an odd thing to say.

However, as you've told them all, I would absolutely correct them every single time.

@TomHardyandMe

Hahaha that's brilliant! I'm keeping Dave in my back pocket!

I do think overall here, the issue is that you don't realise people are getting your name wrong until they send you something. They don't normally address you by your surname. So it leaves me wondering whether to contact them to correct them or just leave it. That's why I feel awkward about it. I wouldn't feel embarrassed about correcting someone who called it to my face!

@BlackDaffodil

I mentioned it as it is very important to him and he is more vocal about it than me. I didn't want to give the impression he hadn't told his family, for example, as you asked if I had told people - we both have.

I would reiterate then OP, as often as needed.

[quote FartleBarfle]@TomHardyandMe

Hahaha that's brilliant! I'm keeping Dave in my back pocket!

I do think overall here, the issue is that you don't realise people are getting your name wrong until they send you something. They don't normally address you by your surname. So it leaves me wondering whether to contact them to correct them or just leave it. That's why I feel awkward about it. I wouldn't feel embarrassed about correcting someone who called it to my face![/quote]
Get their name wrong the next time you send them something. If they point it out say “oh, I thought we were making up names now because you keep getting mine wrong”. Should do the trick.

I have a relative (DH side) who addresses everything to (Mr and Mrs DH) all the time. It really annoys me so I feel for you OP.

This person knows full well I have a different last name but still does it, I am sure to make a point. I had, would you believe, a good 20 minute debate with said person about using "Chair" or "Chairperson" instead of "Chairman." Give me strength...

@LoveFall

The funniest thing that has happened to me like this was, I temporarily removed my surname off Facebook last year, so it was just my first and middle name.

My middle name is Mae. That Christmas we received a Christmas card addressed to Mr and Mrs J May. My husband was floored by this one, especially as they had spelled my middle name wrong so he didn't clock 😂

It's so irritating isn't it? My father used Mrs husband's surname for me in his will. I haven't changed my name. When he died it made things very complicated as I had no documents to prove who I was. My mother thought I was breaking the law by not changing my name!

I have a different surname from my mum and my husband and my mums boyfriend. Booking things got ridiculous so we picked a generic name to book under, except we usually forget that too.

Get it from my in-laws too! Drives me mad. I’ve been married for 11 years 🤬

I can see why you’re annoyed. It’s not an unreasonable assumption that you’ve changed your name as many, many women do - but once you have told people that you haven’t, you should expect them to remember and use the name you wish to be known by. That is polite in all circumstances, actually - whether it’s Archie rather than Archibald or Miss X rather than Mrs Y - you call people by the name they wish to be used.

YANBU.
With regards to the invitation, I would pop a short note in the envelope with the RSVP to ask that they ensure you are listed as 'correct name' on the table plan. That's a subtle way of correcting them without making too huge a point.

I did change my name. And I’ve had things addressed to “mr and Mrs dhs first name last name” by mil who hated people doing that to her (she didn’t change her name).

My grandma still sends things to me to Mrs first name maiden name because she assumed that I’m modern so didn’t change my name.

Dh and I had a conversation about it and I wasn’t bothered about it but was bothered for him to wear a wedding ring. He wasn’t bothered about the ring but wanted me to change my name. So we compromised and did both.

I'm sorry you're having to put up with this. Your family really are being unreasonable and need to sort themselves out. My 93-year-old grandmother gets mine wrong all the time but that's because she literally can't remember and will for example send two birthday cheques, one in each name, telling me to cash the one that's right and shred the other. For people that know you well to whom you've made an announcement and who are not suffering from diagnosed memory loss, YANBU.

However, don't let this annoy you your whole life. My mother didn't change her name and spent her whole life being annoyed by being called Mrs Dadsname. My dad, on the other hand, used to get called Mr Mumsname and just shrugged it off. Guess who's happier? So if it's people who don't know you, I would just get into the habit of sighing and checking under both names and not seething about it. By all means tell them the correct name, but don't let it ruin your day.

I didn't change my name when I married. I also use the title Dr.

My MIL sends me post addressed to

Miss (my first name) (husbands last name), completely bizarre (sometimes she changes it up and uses Mrs)

Or, my absolute favourite, joint things addressed to Mr and Mrs (husbands first name) (husbands surname). Like it's still 1954. FFS

[quote FartleBarfle]@TomHardyandMe

Hahaha that's brilliant! I'm keeping Dave in my back pocket!

I do think overall here, the issue is that you don't realise people are getting your name wrong until they send you something. They don't normally address you by your surname. So it leaves me wondering whether to contact them to correct them or just leave it. That's why I feel awkward about it. I wouldn't feel embarrassed about correcting someone who called it to my face![/quote]
Sorry, just saw this. Yes, certainly correct them! It's a factual error, you shouldn't feel embarrassed about saying something! But in a "Just to let you know, I go by Ms Yourname, not MrsDHName" way, not in a "YOU FOOLS! HOW DARE YOU COLLUDE WITH THE PATRIARCHY" way

@motherloaded

You mean, most people in the 1950s? If I were booking a table, I would give my OWN name.

so.. your husband would check YOUR name then? Exactly what I said...😂

I can't stand the twee and fake confusion "oh there's no Mrs XYZ, you mean my MIL maybe?" kind of thing. It's not your name, fine, don't make a female drama about it, TELL them. It's neither cute nor charming to play the embarrassing confusion nonsense.

What is a "female" drama?

@motherloaded

You mean, most people in the 1950s? If I were booking a table, I would give my OWN name.

so.. your husband would check YOUR name then? Exactly what I said...😂

I can't stand the twee and fake confusion "oh there's no Mrs XYZ, you mean my MIL maybe?" kind of thing. It's not your name, fine, don't make a female drama about it, TELL them. It's neither cute nor charming to play the embarrassing confusion nonsense.

I think you've missed the point. She doesn't assume that people who should know her name, don't. Why should she? Do you often assume that your friends and family don't know the basics about you? I'm also confused about what a "female drama" is. Can you explain how that is different to a regular drama?

@Kdubs1981 @Lesemeraudes

I think this one is not worth bothering with. Rude and purposely misunderstanding the point since the first post and the "female drama" thing was the nail in the coffin 😂😂 I think they are having a bad day

@PerspicaciousGreen

You are spot on and thank you. I need to work through it and not get so wound up. I might as well get used to shrugging it off as I am sure it does happen to my husband at times, too!