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Original poster

To get annoyed with family and friends not knowing my name

83 replies

FartleBarfle · 05/05/2021 13:40

I think I am being oversensitive but I can't help getting bothered every time people get my name wrong. I am married but didn't take my husband's name, which I know is not conventional but I thought it was more common these days. If someone I know gets married, I always ask if they plan to take the name rather than make an assumption.

Many people just changed my name in their heads and cannot seem to change it back. Bare in mind it's still the same on social media, email addresses, and all my formal documents. I do tell anyone that asks what my name is but people just presume.

This has caused embarrassment for example at my brother in law's wedding at an exclusive venue, I arrived separately to my husband and was asked my name on arrival. I was told I wasn't on the list. I didn't realise it was done by surname as I couldn't see the list but once we realised the mistake I was made to feel stupid for not saying my husband's surname. I hadn't even considered it!

My own father has booked tickets for a table for me under my husband's surname (when he wasn't even there) which caused confusion as I was just told it was under my surname.

I have also had a package sent to me that I had to collect with ID which I did not have in that name.

And now we have just received a wedding invitation where they have spelled my first name wrong and put my husband's surname - the RSVP is already prepopulated, so it feels like I'm being difficult to contact them separately to say that it's not my name.

Why can't I just accept that some people will just call me by my husband's name whatever I say and move on? I feel like I am being irrational and should just go by either, but it really bothers me when this happens. Does anyone have any advice or experience the same? Is it being petty to correct people all the time?

OP posts:
mangoontoast · 05/05/2021 14:15

@motherloaded

You are being a bit ridiculous. Most people would just give their names/ husband names on bookings, you are trying to make a point playing the "confusion" and "difficulty" when it doesn't need to be.

It's pretty obvious, most men I know check their name and their wive's name before being "embarrassed".

You mean, most people in the 1950s? If I were booking a table, I would give my OWN name.
motherloaded · 05/05/2021 14:20

You mean, most people in the 1950s? If I were booking a table, I would give my OWN name.

so.. your husband would check YOUR name then? Exactly what I said...😂

I can't stand the twee and fake confusion "oh there's no Mrs XYZ, you mean my MIL maybe?" kind of thing. It's not your name, fine, don't make a female drama about it, TELL them. It's neither cute nor charming to play the embarrassing confusion nonsense.

Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel · 05/05/2021 14:25

@motherloaded

You are being a bit ridiculous. Most people would just give their names/ husband names on bookings, you are trying to make a point playing the "confusion" and "difficulty" when it doesn't need to be.

It's pretty obvious, most men I know check their name and their wive's name before being "embarrassed".

Couldn’t agree more.
TroublesomeTrucks · 05/05/2021 14:28

My husband and I have a friend (female) who we met through work (all three of us are doctors) and when we got married she asked me on two separate occasions if I had changed my name and I said no. This Christmas we still received a card addressed to Dr and Mrs DHsurname. So much for feminism!

TroublesomeTrucks · 05/05/2021 14:29

I do usually make bookings for restaurants etc in DH’s name though as it’s much shorter and easier to spell than mine!

Fluffyandsilly · 05/05/2021 14:35

It's just fucking rude to get someone's name wrong. Especially when you haven't even changed it, it's the same name you have always had!
When I got married a few years ago I made a point of checking second names for married friends of my husband I didn't know very well for invitations and seating plans etc. I didn't want to assume they had changed names on marriage or had taken their husbands name.
I double barrelled mine but people still call me Mrs DH. It is annoying.

A guy started at work recently and there was a bit of confusion around his name as he wanted to be known by a nickname and everyone had assumed he was known by the full name. Think he wanted to be called Archie instead of Archibald.
Anway, after a few days he corrected us all and said something along the lines of "sorry to be awkward but I'd much rather be known as Archie". Everyone was super accommodating and he was told that of course he is entitled to be known by whatever name he wishes. Why can't we do the same with women and their second names?!

Triffid1 · 05/05/2021 14:39

@Fluffyandsilly

It's just fucking rude to get someone's name wrong. Especially when you haven't even changed it, it's the same name you have always had! When I got married a few years ago I made a point of checking second names for married friends of my husband I didn't know very well for invitations and seating plans etc. I didn't want to assume they had changed names on marriage or had taken their husbands name. I double barrelled mine but people still call me Mrs DH. It is annoying.

A guy started at work recently and there was a bit of confusion around his name as he wanted to be known by a nickname and everyone had assumed he was known by the full name. Think he wanted to be called Archie instead of Archibald.
Anway, after a few days he corrected us all and said something along the lines of "sorry to be awkward but I'd much rather be known as Archie". Everyone was super accommodating and he was told that of course he is entitled to be known by whatever name he wishes. Why can't we do the same with women and their second names?!

THIS!!!

Always amazes me how these kind of preferences can so easily be accommodated.

Also, pre marriage, how much easier it is for people to remember two names but after marriage it's "just too hard whose name is what".

Wanderlust20 · 05/05/2021 14:41

Ughhh, I feel your pain! I have double barrelled (so Wander-Lust) but so many people still call me/address letters or parcels to Mrs Lust, it drives me up the wall! Or they'll refer to us as the Lusts, argh. I dunno why but I can't "get over" it either! My DH finds it mildly amusing that I get so worked up about but he doesn't get annoyed - he was all for me keeping my name if I wanted to.

I dunno why it bothers me, it just sounds so foreign to me as that's never been my name and I happen to like our names together. When I think of "Mrs Lust", I just think of my hubby's grandmother (my MIL is remarried so she doesn't even have that name).

My situation is a little different from yours though as, for restaurant bookings example, my hubby will always check "is it under Wander-Lust or just Wander?" as often I can't be bothered spelling out my long double barrelled name and will just use my maiden name. So I haven't personally experienced the confusion as my default position is to say its under either one name or the other.

As for any advice... I just correct people! It's annoying yes but it's the only way. I can't help but get on my high horse ha ha, I just call people out. Or even better, ignore them if they call out the wrong name if I'm waiting to be called for something before going "oh sorry do you mean me?". My male GP in particular seems to love to ignore the first part of my name, as do a lot of folk, which is something else I've never understood - my name is maiden name (hyphen) then hubby's name so you'd think they'd drop the second surname but nope, it's always mine that's ignored! Actually getting annoyed just typing this out ha, sometimes I wish I'd just stuck to my own name but who knows if that would cause more confusion.

FraiseRoyale · 05/05/2021 14:43

Also, pre marriage, how much easier it is for people to remember two names but after marriage it's "just too hard whose name is what".

Excellent point. It's not that hard to get people's names right, and it's a baseline of respect to make the effort if effort is required.

TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish · 05/05/2021 14:50

@Fluffyandsilly

It's just fucking rude to get someone's name wrong. Especially when you haven't even changed it, it's the same name you have always had! When I got married a few years ago I made a point of checking second names for married friends of my husband I didn't know very well for invitations and seating plans etc. I didn't want to assume they had changed names on marriage or had taken their husbands name. I double barrelled mine but people still call me Mrs DH. It is annoying.

A guy started at work recently and there was a bit of confusion around his name as he wanted to be known by a nickname and everyone had assumed he was known by the full name. Think he wanted to be called Archie instead of Archibald.
Anway, after a few days he corrected us all and said something along the lines of "sorry to be awkward but I'd much rather be known as Archie". Everyone was super accommodating and he was told that of course he is entitled to be known by whatever name he wishes. Why can't we do the same with women and their second names?!

THIS

I didn't change my name - and had to deal with some petty passive-aggressive shit from a few people. I was very clear I was not going to use hisname under any circumstances, and never did.

Both names are often misspelled by people as they are names with variants (think Thomson / Thompson), we gave the DC my lastname as I was going to be the person dealing with Drs, school etc while they were young.

People can be VERY rude about this - making a mistake is one thing, but when people KNOW you haven't changed your name but they still "forget" and book a table in your DHs name, or add you to a list like that then I would be pretty pissed off tbh.

FraiseRoyale · 05/05/2021 14:59

As someone who did not change my name when I married, I find that there is a high correlation between people who get my name wrong and people who are sexist.

billy1966 · 05/05/2021 14:59

Very rude.

Nearly 30 years married here and thank goodness has not been an issue.

My children have my husbands name X and I have been called Mrs.X by my children's teachers over the years.
I have absolutely NO problem with this but other than that no issue.

SpaceOp · 05/05/2021 15:01

@FraiseRoyale

As someone who did not change my name when I married, I find that there is a high correlation between people who get my name wrong and people who are sexist.
100%
tectonicplates · 05/05/2021 15:04

YANBU. I didn't change my surname when I got married, and most people are fine with that, but there's one family member who sends me a card every year, addressed to me with my husband's surname. I've mentioned it several times now, and I've come to the conclusion that she's doing it deliberately to make some kind of political point, almost to say what women should do if they're doing it properly?

I should also point out that in the OP's second last paragraph, she's mentioned a wedding invitation where they got her first name wrong. This is so disrespectful, like you're so unimportant that we can't even be bothered to learn your name. My husband is from another country, and his name, while more or less unknown in the UK, is really not that difficult to spell. It's as if they can't be bothered to learn how to spell it because it's a "weird foreign name". It would take them two minutes to contact a member of the family to check the spelling, but no, they can't even be bothered to do that, so they just invent a spelling. It's basically like saying he's not really welcome in the family.

whyhell0there · 05/05/2021 15:14

@TroublesomeTrucks

I do usually make bookings for restaurants etc in DH’s name though as it’s much shorter and easier to spell than mine!
Same here. It's a lot less hassle.

I kept my name but hyphenated with DH's surname. It's an administrative nightmare. But I didn't want my name erased.

I don't mind if we get post addressed to 'The DH's-surname Family' etc as it's still technically my name. However, I don't like it when on official documents/letters my 'first surname' just magically disappears. Do you think I included it when I filled out the form just for shits & giggles?? For example, I started a job a while ago and they just completely left it out of my contract and email address! Confused

R1bbons · 05/05/2021 15:21

I didn't change my surname when I got married, and my DH actually jokingly mentioned it in his wedding speech because my surname is very long and unusual, and his surname is the most common surname in the UK (not the reason I didn't change mine).

So everyone knows that I haven't changed my surname, but still, ever since we've been married, almost all birthday cards arrive for me under my DH's surname. From my relatives as well as DH's! I find it quite irritating but it's not worth getting worked up about. The only annoying thing that's happened is a cheque written out to me in my DH's surname which I was unable to cash...

thelegohooverer · 05/05/2021 15:23

YANBU.

My pils booked a holiday for the whole family and wanted me to change my passport when they discovered I wasn’t Mrs DH. They were equally galled to discover their own dd had changed her surname on marriage. We were both wrong apparently Hmm

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 05/05/2021 15:32

I find it amazing that in this-day and age there are people who still find it strange that women marry but don't take their husbands name, DH recently had a conversation about renewing car insurance and gave my name, the chap said are you married? Yes he-replied, to which the chap said, to each other? As if he had never heard of anyone married having separate names
My family struggled too and i often got mrs husbands name letters, cheques etc and my DM used to write mrs DH first name and surname 🙄

TomHardyandMe · 05/05/2021 15:35

It started on the wedding day for us (20 years ago). Had to get the venue organiser person to change a sign they put out to not say “Mr + Mrs” - they assumed. Family were generous and gave cheques made out to “Mr + Mrs Hisname” - they assumed. Having to explain we couldn’t cash them unless they corrected the names (and we’ve never had a joint account either) I would have thought would have been clear, but no. Cheques had to be amended year on year.

I’ve one aunt that sends a cheque for my DD’s birthday made out to me (correct name) in an envelope addressed to Mrs DH Name (his mother). 🤷🏻‍♀️

Does my head in. It’s rude when you’ve been told someone’s name to decide it’s actually something else.

I’ve recently started calling her Dave just to see if she notices (not yet).

StCharlotte · 05/05/2021 15:39

You should have done what my niece did. Wedding invitations had no surnames. She kept her maiden name. I have no idea what her husband's surname is!

Giantrooster · 05/05/2021 15:47

I think you need to realize that your friends and family are just a bit dense, that or lazy. When making invites and bookings it's easier for people to say Mr. & Mrs Whatever and if your last name has syllable upon syllable think Ms Shalalalalaqwotania and your dh's is Jones then it's lazyness again.

Instead of letting it get to you, state it once and for all and then start taking it the fun way. It will open up a floodgate of names to call friends and family on cards, bookings etc. Don't let it ruin you mood.

BlackDaffodil · 05/05/2021 16:08

Did you tell everyone that you were not changing your Surname, because it sound like you didn't ?

sillysmiles · 05/05/2021 16:21

Is it really that common to change your name? I know very few people my age 30-40 age bracket that changed their name when married.

GintyMcGinty · 05/05/2021 16:35

That is awful.

My sister never changed her name, neither did my sister-in-law. It wouldn't occur to me in a million years to start calling them by their husband's names.

Its so rude. I am not surprised you are upset. No useful advice though apart from telling people.

user113424742258631134 · 05/05/2021 16:35

It’s a bit annoying but I think you are really overplaying the ‘embarrassment’ and ‘confusion’ aspect.

Overplaying?! If anyone's "overplaying" anything it's the people claiming not to be able to remember the name op was born with and uses everywhere.

Why shouldn't she be confused that people who have been repeatedly corrected continue to use the wrong name?

Unless they've all suffered some kind of traumatic brain injury or other major illness which op hasn't mentioned, then it's disrespectful bullshit that should not be defended or excused.