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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Recently separated and need advice on children

59 replies

Debobble · 05/05/2021 08:14

I recently separated from my partner. I want to be fair with the kids as he does want contact. However 3 days after we broke up he is asking for an overnight stay with the kids at his parents house.
I have no issue with where they are staying at all but feel that its very soon. Im not trying to be bitter as i do still have feelings for their dad but when is the right time to allow over nights or visits as surely there needs to be some adjustment time for everyone including the kids to come to terms with the change?
I would be grateful for any advice that can be given as i dont care about me i just want whats best for the kids which is why i am not going into details of the how and why.

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 05/05/2021 08:18

His request sounds fine to me and they'll be on familiar ground and see their grandparents. The less you overthink it, the smoother the transition.

As a child of bitterly divorced parents my best advice is never ever slate their father to them. Tell your friends, or Mumsnet but not your kids.

MissBattleaxe · 05/05/2021 08:21

By the way, they don't need adjustment time, they need continuity and stability.

riotlady · 05/05/2021 08:21

Too soon for you maybe, but not for them. This is a big time of upheaval for the kids and I would try and keep it as “normal” as possible- and normal for them involves seeing their dad regularly.

Anothernameanothertime · 05/05/2021 08:23

I think seeing dad and GPs from the outset will help them to adjust quicker (although it’s hard for you). Keeping them apart then trying to re establish contact is more disruptive unless you have safeguarding concerns.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/05/2021 08:26

I don't see what's wrong with them starting overnight straightaway. Unless there is an overnight breastfeeding requirement, the sooner everyone adjusts to the new normal the better.

Aprilx · 05/05/2021 08:28

How is it too soon to spend overnight with their father? I genuinely do not know where you are coming from.

harknesswitch · 05/05/2021 08:32

He the kids father and he has 50% responsibility for them, why is it too soon for them to have an overnight stay with him? Regardless of where he is, as long as he's there and it's safe then it shouldn't be an issue.

Would you not take them to a hotel as it's not familiar?

Sorry op but yabvu

Original poster
Debobble · 05/05/2021 08:32

I would never do that. My 11 year old dd dont want any contact and i have tried my best to let her know i am ok with it. She erased him from photos on her phone by editing him out and i told her it made me sad as she should never erase a good memory.
The other 2 my dd who is 6 and ds who is 3 have not said much and dont seem to be affected.
I would never talk bad, how he is as a partner does not reflect him as a dad and i dont believe in women not allowing their ex to see the children as kids are not a weapon and did not choose this.

But tbh i am not happy with it being so soon.

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 05/05/2021 08:35

Why is it too soon? I'd have thought the sooner you start regular contact the better.

How is it in the kids best interests to stop them seeing their father?

If the eldest doesn't want to them you can't force the issue but you do need to encourage the relationship. I don't see any reason why the younger two can't stay with him for 50% of the time. Or if that's not possible every other weekend Friday to Sunday and a few nights in the week

Dishwashersaurous · 05/05/2021 08:38

Ideally you would have agreed the childcare arrangements before you told children that you were separating.

But absolutely start the new arrangements ASAP, first week definitely, so that they can adjust to the new arrangements.

Otherwise they will adjust to not seeing him, and then have to adjust to a new arrangement.

Far far better to go straight into the new routine for the children

Original poster
Debobble · 05/05/2021 08:41

I am not trying to keep the kids from him at all.
I did not come on here to expose my life and problems or what was wrong and right about my relationship or why i feel its too soon.
I came for advice for the best interest of my children.
But please take into account he cant have 50% of the responsibility as he suffers from schizophrenia and refuses to take his medication.

OP posts:
WaltzingBetty · 05/05/2021 08:43

You need to encourage them to see their dad. They will be angry and hurt at him 'leaving them' and you need to counteract that by encouraging them to spend time with him.

Assuming they saw their dad regularly when he lived with you why would continuing to see him regularly be 'too soon'?

What is it you're uncomfortable about?

Dishwashersaurous · 05/05/2021 08:43

what is the long term arrangement going to be? Two nights a week, 50/50, eow weekend.

Whatever you agreed that the long term arrangement should be, before you told the children that you were separating, should start straight away

Original poster
Debobble · 05/05/2021 08:43

Thankyou dishwashersaurus.

It was out of the blue which is why no arrangements was made prior to the separation.

OP posts:
notsorighteousthesedays · 05/05/2021 08:44

I understand! It is so hard - ask the younger ones if they would like to go for a visit (so they know they are coming back to you). They might not want to go without big sister in which case let their dad know the situation, via his parents if that's easiest, and ask him how he would like to move forward.

When my 'DH' suddenly walked out it was a complete shock to all of us and I found it really hard to even let my girls go to school without me! I just wanted them close and safe.

I hope things work out, take it one step at a time.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 05/05/2021 08:44

Can’t see an issue with this personally. Surely they had the odd sleepover with their grandparents before so they’re familiar with them and their home. No different now, just the fact their Dad will be there too.

Original poster
Debobble · 05/05/2021 08:47

Thankyou so much, some of the commenters seem very judgemental but why cant they take into account i am on here for advice to make the right choice for everyone.
Its painful enough without causing more distress

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 05/05/2021 08:48

OK. Well you need to sit down with him, when children are at school and nursery and agree arrangements between the two of you.

Then you jointly need to explain to the children what is happening and what the new normal is going to be.

If you can't agree between the two of you then you will need legal advice which will be expensive

SoupDragon · 05/05/2021 08:48

It's not too soon for the children to stay overnight with their father and grandparents.

It is too soon fo you but, in this, you aren't the one who matters. I wouldn't force the 11 year old though, it sounds like she needs more time.

I've been there. It's tough. Flowers

Original poster
Debobble · 05/05/2021 08:49

I clearly stated i have no issue with the place they would be staying at.

OP posts:
notsorighteousthesedays · 05/05/2021 08:52

Of course OP matters!!!
She may be the one taking all responsibility but she still matters!!
What an awful thing to say.

nanbread · 05/05/2021 08:54

@Thatisnotwhatisaid

Can’t see an issue with this personally. Surely they had the odd sleepover with their grandparents before so they’re familiar with them and their home. No different now, just the fact their Dad will be there too.
Why do people assume all children do sleepovers with their GPs!

My DC are older than OP's and have never stayed over at either GPs without us.

SD1978 · 05/05/2021 08:55

He's been there every day, and now he isn't. I really don't see how it's too soon, sorry. I get you're still hurt, but the kids should see their dad if there are no safety concerns, and maybe you need to see about someone for the eldest to talk to- she's obviously angry

Babyiskickingmyribs · 05/05/2021 09:09

OP it’s fair enough that you don’t want to go into details about the situation but it is very relevant that he just walked out with no warning and that he is not taking his medication for a fairly serious diagnosed psychiatric condition. In addition to the break up being a shock to you, you may have concerns that your ex partner is acting very impulsively at the moment. This may or may not be true, he may have been planning to leave for a long time. But it’s not surprising you are reluctant to let the kids out of your sight. Have you ever spent a night away from them (particularly the youngest?) It’s a big change for you. But PP are right that it’s good for the kids to keep seeing their dad regularly even while the adults are still sorting out what life is going to look like for everyone going forward. Do you have a good relationship with your PIL? Could you call them to reassure yourself that they are onboard with having the kids overnight? It sounds like you trust them so it could be a good way to get regular contact going with their dad.

SoupDragon · 05/05/2021 09:14

@notsorighteousthesedays

Of course OP matters!!! She may be the one taking all responsibility but she still matters!! What an awful thing to say.
🤦🏻‍♀️ In the case of the children having contact with their father, no she doesn't. I said in this she doesn't matter. It is the children who matter.

If you bothered to read my whole post you'll see that I am speaking from personal experience. I've put myself aside in the matter of my children seeing their father because that is all about what is best for them.

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