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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Recently separated and need advice on children

59 replies

Debobble · 05/05/2021 08:14

I recently separated from my partner. I want to be fair with the kids as he does want contact. However 3 days after we broke up he is asking for an overnight stay with the kids at his parents house.
I have no issue with where they are staying at all but feel that its very soon. Im not trying to be bitter as i do still have feelings for their dad but when is the right time to allow over nights or visits as surely there needs to be some adjustment time for everyone including the kids to come to terms with the change?
I would be grateful for any advice that can be given as i dont care about me i just want whats best for the kids which is why i am not going into details of the how and why.

OP posts:
Original poster
Debobble · 05/05/2021 09:28

I have spent the night away from my youngest before but with the current situation i havent for a long time now.
I do have a good relationship with his parents and trust them with my children but as previously stated i do want to resume contact and am thinking of a visit this weekend rather then overnight and perhaps have them stay over next weekend?
He has not been taking his meds for a while and there was nothing i could do about it but i still loved him and tried to support and stand by him.
This is a new situation that i am trying to get through and i just wanted advice to help make the right choice.
I dont want to be judge i am not keeping his children away from him.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 05/05/2021 09:32

OK. First you need to be really clear. Are there any safety reasons why he shouldn't have charge of the children?

If so then you need to see a solicitor ASAP and put in place arrangements. Maybe supervised contact

Original poster
Debobble · 05/05/2021 09:35

Also i will not be forcing my 11yo to do something she is not happy and comfortable with.
I will always keep talking to her but i think she just needs time. I have allowed him to talk with the kids on the phone but she refused.
I asked her why and said he would only have asked her about school and that it wouldnt hurt to talk to him. I am trying my best to encourage her to speak to him.

OP posts:
Fixitup2 · 05/05/2021 09:35

I also agree that it isn’t too soon for the children. I agree it may be too soon for you but not the children and it sound like the children will be ok with the Grandparents there since their Dad has uncontrolled mental health problems. If you have concerns about their safety with him, despite his parents being there though you need to act on that.
It will be harder on the children going overnight in a months time or more, best to do it now when it’s not been too long since they’ve spent a lot of time with him. Let your eldest choose herself tjough, she sounds angry at him and best to let her process that.
Sorry you’re going through this, it must be tough.

Original poster
Debobble · 05/05/2021 09:37

No i dont believe he would hurt the kids ever but all of the parental role fell on me at home because of his condition.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 05/05/2021 09:41

OK. If its not safety concerns. Then you need to agree, together, arrangements and start them immediately.

Its difficult and scary for you but the logical consequence of him moving out is that the children will also have two homes

Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel · 05/05/2021 09:44

@Debobble

I am not trying to keep the kids from him at all. I did not come on here to expose my life and problems or what was wrong and right about my relationship or why i feel its too soon. I came for advice for the best interest of my children. But please take into account he cant have 50% of the responsibility as he suffers from schizophrenia and refuses to take his medication.
All the more reason to allow the children to go and stay with him at their grandparents. Presumably they are responsible people. It sounds like you are saying no because of your feelings.
Original poster
Debobble · 05/05/2021 09:45

Thankyou. I do understand this and as i said i will take the kids for a visit this weekend and then arrange a sleepover next weekend.
From there i will discuss with him what he is happy with in regards to visits and sleepovers.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 05/05/2021 09:47

@nanbread but I think you are in the minority tbh. That’s fine if it has worked for you but I would think the vast majority of children have stayed overnight with their grandparents. I can’t think of a single family I know where this doesn’t/hasn’t happened in years gone by. So I don’t think it’s an unfair presumption that they have stayed with grandparents before.

Original poster
Debobble · 05/05/2021 09:48

I'm not saying no.
Please read all my posts and understand i want advice to a situation i have never been in and want to make the right choice. I am not trying to discredit him as my family will do that all day long and i dont want to act on their advice.

OP posts:
3scape · 05/05/2021 09:48

I'd ease you all into it but soon. Perhaps not an overnight set in stone at first? Maybe a meal and a day out and perhaps see if they'd like to. Would they have a room in that house or does your husband intend to move? I'd definitely 've encouraging phoning and visits so they're not waiting for him to come home.

I did give it a fortnight for my children as my ex frequently would disappear for a week or two prior to that anyway, then it coincided with the holidays so they could talk about everythi g when they came home and weren't dealing with school etc.

Dishwashersaurous · 05/05/2021 09:50

Another one here who doesn't know anyone amongst friends at school who stay at grandparents

Dishwashersaurous · 05/05/2021 09:51

But on the op would it make sense, given the unique situation, to contact his mental health team and ask for advice on what they think is sensible in terms of parental responsibility contact?

Fixitup2 · 05/05/2021 09:56

@Dishwashersaurous

But on the op would it make sense, given the unique situation, to contact his mental health team and ask for advice on what they think is sensible in terms of parental responsibility contact?
They shouldn’t be sharing this information unless there is a safeguarding risk.
GiveMeTulipsfromAmsterdam · 05/05/2021 09:56

Why too soon? He is their father and the stay is at their grandparents home? It's not all about you - the children must come first - let them have a great relationship with their father and lots of contact including overnight stays.

Cleverpolly3 · 05/05/2021 10:01

@Dishwashersaurous

OK. Well you need to sit down with him, when children are at school and nursery and agree arrangements between the two of you.

Then you jointly need to explain to the children what is happening and what the new normal is going to be.

If you can't agree between the two of you then you will need legal advice which will be expensive

The issues with his psychiatric condition are highly relevant especially if he is not managing this with the prescribed medication.

This would be the deciding factor with any unsupervised contact arrangements as contact is about the children’s best interests. This sort of thing directly impacts on their stability as well as safety.

I would personally seek legal advice and perhaps consider approaching children’s services for some help or via school and nursery.

It’s not about denying him anything it’s about ,asking sure the children’s needs in every sense are being managed as well as prioritised.

Cleverpolly3 · 05/05/2021 10:02

@GiveMeTulipsfromAmsterdam

Why too soon? He is their father and the stay is at their grandparents home? It's not all about you - the children must come first - let them have a great relationship with their father and lots of contact including overnight stays.
Did you miss the part about him being diagnosed with schizophrenia and not taking his medication?
Todaytomorrowyesterday · 05/05/2021 10:13

I think it seems you have lots of concerns around things but like others think of the children, putting them first - it would possibly help them knowing they will still see there Dad routine in place from the start - less abandonment issues etc? Knowing yes he left the family home but is/will be part of their lives.

With regards to your 11 - I’m not saying this is the case as we don’t know all the in and outs of your personal relationship & breakup. But in my experience my sister did something similar when my parents separated- she did this because she wanted to support the RP and was wrongly assuming it would help them pushing the NRP away and cut them out of the lives - she being of the age could visibly see the hurt. My sister was trying to look at it from a pre-teen view as a ‘friend would do’ stand up for her Mum. But actually she needed to feel loved and secure by both parents. She did spiral out of contract a little as she just wanted to loved and felt that the NRP hated her for standing by the RP. Maybe approach it differently with her and smaller bite size meetings - which you fully support and not question her when she returns - smiles all round.

Good luck!

notsorighteousthesedays · 05/05/2021 10:17

Soupdragon
This isn't top trumps! My personal experience is that the children's father drops them off some sweets every week or so. In two and a half years he has had them for two overnights - at a Premier Inn when he took them to Chester Zoo.

And yes, he still claims they are the most important thing in his life and everything he does he does for them!

Onceuponatime1818 · 05/05/2021 10:18

Considering he has major mental health issues which aren’t under control as he refuses medication I would also be concerned about leaving my children with him.

Do you have a good relationship with his parents? Would you be able to speak To them and confirm they will be present for the whole night? Are they trustworthy?

ShinyGreenElephant · 05/05/2021 10:29

I would worry about leaving the kids with him while he was refusing to take his medication. If his parents will be there the whole time to supervise and you trust them completely then maybe that's okay, but I can certainly see why you're uncomfortable. I'd say little and often for now and establish a routine you're prepared to stick to ASAP - I personally would make overnights conditional on him taking appropriate treatment for his schizophrenia. A lot of my family have suffered with it and it can be absolutely terrifying for kids when out of control

Babyiskickingmyribs · 05/05/2021 10:30

A daytime visit this weekend then an overnight next weekend is a totally reasonable suggestion OP. It could develop into a pattern of EOW overnight at the grandparents plus a visit after school once a week, or something similar.

Original poster
Debobble · 05/05/2021 10:42

Sadly he doesnt have a mental health team or a psychiatrist that he talks to.
He tries to do things on his own and has not had any support through the pandemic from anyone. I can not force him to take his meds and never threatened the relationship for him to take them.
I know his condition is uncontrollable and i will be allowing him to see the kids.
Thanks for all those that helped and i do matter just as much as the children do, having a ex partner with severe mental health means this situation is alot more unique then parents that are squabbling over the children. I have tried my best to shield my children from his condition and it affects everyone which is why there are support groups for children with a schizophrenic parent.
This is a very difficult situation and i am truly hurt, i didnt ask for this or want this to happen but seeking advice on here was to help make the right choice in a circumstance i have never been in. I have no friends as i found it difficult with being a full time parent and having a schizophrenic partner.

OP posts:
Cleverpolly3 · 05/05/2021 10:54

If you know his condition is uncontrollable then potentially you are placing them at risk leaving the with him.
In order for them to all have fulfilling, enduring healthy relationships he needs to get this sorted out.
You can’t just resign yourself to this as what if something happens. Two of your children are especially young.

I actually think that seeking legal advice and discussing things with children’s services might expedite some help for all of you.
I really feel for you this is a horrible situation to be in but your first duty is to them as their mother.

Cleverpolly3 · 05/05/2021 10:57

@Babyiskickingmyribs

A daytime visit this weekend then an overnight next weekend is a totally reasonable suggestion OP. It could develop into a pattern of EOW overnight at the grandparents plus a visit after school once a week, or something similar.
This alarms me. Not because I don’t think he shouldn’t see his children and have time with them but that you and others are boxing off the elephant in the room which is he has schizophrenia which is largely going unmanaged in any way shape or form with the exception- albeit a presumed one - that the grandparents are vigilant and present 24/7.