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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surname

60 replies

kleew1 · 04/05/2021 08:36

We have a 3 year old who has my partners surname.

It's transpired he doesn't want to get married. I would like my 3yo to have my name also or to share a name at least.

Would it be wrong to now double barrel their name or include my surname in their name just now?

They know my name is 'mummy law' and their dad and their name is 'daddy surname'.

Yabu - don't change it
Yanbu - change it

OP posts:
user648482729 · 04/05/2021 08:38

I only gave DD my partners surname (now DH) on the basis that we’d be getting married so I’d of felt the same if I were you

Mydogisagentleman · 04/05/2021 08:38

I am not a fan of doubled barrelled surnames.
Our daughter has my single surname as a middle name

Aprilx · 04/05/2021 08:40

What do you mean they know you name is “mummy law”?

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot · 04/05/2021 08:42

You can only change it with consent of all those with PR.

Is that likely to be forthcoming?

Original poster
kleew1 · 04/05/2021 08:42

@Aprilx they know I have a different surname to them and their dad but don't understand why or anything.

If you say what's mummys full name, she says it. And if you say what is your full name/your dad's. She knows it too.

OP posts:
conywarp · 04/05/2021 08:44

[quote kleew1]@Aprilx they know I have a different surname to them and their dad but don't understand why or anything.

If you say what's mummys full name, she says it. And if you say what is your full name/your dad's. She knows it too.[/quote]

This is the weirdest conversation to have with a 3 year old. Your name is irrelevant. You are mum.

Original poster
kleew1 · 04/05/2021 08:45

@conywarp it's not a conversation, we talk about different people's names so we will say what is granny's name, what is aunty's name etc. It's more just to get her saying different sounding words/names.

There is no family tree involved or pictures of me alone on one side and her dad on another... It's not that deep.

OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 04/05/2021 08:51

You can't change your childs' surname without permission from the father.

Original poster
kleew1 · 04/05/2021 08:53

Father isn't against changing the name, brought it up last night, if I feel strongly about it.

However his thoughts are she then won't have the same surname as either of us which he didn't like.

OP posts:
conywarp · 04/05/2021 08:59

[quote kleew1]@conywarp it's not a conversation, we talk about different people's names so we will say what is granny's name, what is aunty's name etc. It's more just to get her saying different sounding words/names.

There is no family tree involved or pictures of me alone on one side and her dad on another... It's not that deep.[/quote]

'Talking about' = conversation

burritofan · 04/05/2021 08:59

This is the weirdest conversation to have with a 3 year old. Your name is irrelevant. You are mum.
What on earth? It’s not weird at all, OP can chat to her 3 year old about her name! And not irrelevant either – growing up she might want to know why she has daddy’s surname and not mummy’s. I know my mother explained my double barrel of both names, and my Ms status, to me practically from birth.

If her father doesn’t like the not-the-same-surname he has the option to marry you, or change his name. I’d be less concerned about names and more concerned about protecting yourself financially: I’m not married but DP and I have an enormous amount of paperwork relating to house equity, a cohabiting agreement, wills, etc, to ensure financial parity.

paralysedbyinertia · 04/05/2021 09:01

@kleew1

Father isn't against changing the name, brought it up last night, if I feel strongly about it.

However his thoughts are she then won't have the same surname as either of us which he didn't like.

So suggest changing it to your name instead?
ThatIsMyPotato · 04/05/2021 09:07

@kleew1

Father isn't against changing the name, brought it up last night, if I feel strongly about it.

However his thoughts are she then won't have the same surname as either of us which he didn't like.

Change it to your name and make sure you don't become over reliant on him financially
Becles · 04/05/2021 09:10

While you're thinking about what next, start double barrelling his name. Inform the GP, dentist, bank and nursery in writing of his new 'preferred name', then use in all communication going forward.

Voomster953 · 04/05/2021 09:20

Why has it only just come up that he doesn’t want to get married?

I’m all for your daughter having your name too, by the way.

Are you well protected in case of relationship breakdown? Do you work and have assets?

User0ne · 04/05/2021 09:28

We'll my 3 and 4 year olds talk about people's names (and trains names and cars names and animal names etc) all the time so it's totally normal to me.

I'm married to DH but didn't change my name, our kids are double barrelled. No they don't have the exact same name as either of us; they have both of our names together. They like it and it's easy for them to understand why: they are half me and half DH therefore half their name comes from me and half from DH.

I imagine it would also go some way to preventing the type of cross-border problems some people on Mumsnet talk about when the dc only has one parents surname and it's the other one taking them on holiday.

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot · 04/05/2021 09:29

However his thoughts are she then won't have the same surname as either of us which he didn't like

Tell him that 50/50 is way better than 100/0 and to get over himself!

Scarydinosaurs · 04/05/2021 09:32

He might not like it but it’s his choice to not give you his surname so that’s his problem.

I am the same as you- would only give the surname if it matched my own. Double barrelled is lovely- I know some people don’t like it, but I had a double barrelled surname and always liked it.

NicolaDunsire · 04/05/2021 09:34

I would be amazed by a 3 year old that didn’t know their parents first & last name actually. Don’t they hear it when you give it at shops, doctors, restaurants etc? I’ve always felt it’s a bit of a safety thing too, I want my kids to know my name, phone number & our address so it’s easier to find me if they are lost!

KihoBebiluPute · 04/05/2021 09:34

I would change your DC name to your own surname. If DP doesn't want to get married then he doesn't get to pass on his name to his child(ren). If he later changes his mind then there's nothing stopping him from changing his surname to yours - any reluctance he may feel is based on sexism.

We went with the double-barrelled option and it is clunky and inconvenient and doesn't resolve the issue as the next generation can't indefinitely triple or quadruple their names.

BiBabbles · 04/05/2021 09:41

Not unreasonable, maybe yours as the surname with his as a (additional) middle name if he wants her to a name that matches one of yours?

I’ve always felt it’s a bit of a safety thing too, I want my kids to know my name, phone number & our address so it’s easier to find me if they are lost!

That was my thought at the remark that it was the weirdest conversation - when I was little, it was expected to have kids memorize these for preschool, I can remember my parents having my younger sister do repeat it back, and I did it with my children.

I've definitely had weirder conversation with 3 year olds than my name. Like on the need to keep their pants on. Or not licking things. Or no, they cannot eat their sibling's hair...or anyone else's hair.

parietal · 04/05/2021 09:42

if DP agrees, then add your surname as an additional middle name for your child. That way, it is there on the official paperwork and passport (v. useful for travelling) but does not make a clunky double-barrel.

LilMidge01 · 04/05/2021 09:48

My parents double barrelled me in order to have both, but in reality I only went by one. The double barreling became so clunky and annoying when I only used the one name that I ended up deed polling it in early twenties so that I could graduate uni in the name I used the most (just coincidentally happened to be my mother's because it came first and therefore I got filed under that letter a lot).
Personally I hate it when parents double barrel not for any other reason than dilemma. It's just shifting the problem from you to the kid (I think it's less of an issue if the whole family is double barrelled)
Tbh I'd just change the kids name to yours (sooner rather than later so leas faff)
Yiu carried and birthed this child and presumably are the main care giver...why should he get the way of the patriarchy and continue his name when hes not willing to get married
Also, why didnt you discuss this sooner?
Ah well, it's done now, change the kids name to yours or double barrelled if you absolutely must appease this man (sigh)

Pyewackect · 04/05/2021 09:49

My mother did this when she and my father split-up and she returned to France taking us with her. However when I came back to the UK , to live with my parents, I had my original birth certificate so I just reverted back to my real name, which matched that of my grandparents. I haven't seen or spoken to my mother in 10 years but then my French is a tad rusty these days.

I still use my family name, even though I'm married , but the kids have their fathers name, and rightly so.

LilMidge01 · 04/05/2021 09:50

@parietal

if DP agrees, then add your surname as an additional middle name for your child. That way, it is there on the official paperwork and passport (v. useful for travelling) but does not make a clunky double-barrel.
Nooo!!! Even more clunky! Trust me, from experience, if someone sees a typical 'surname ' int he middle, they will often take it upon themselves to double barrel it for you...makes life even more confusing. If you're gonna go for the both names option, do the kid a favour and at least double barrel it
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