Surname

[kleew1]

We have a 3 year old who has my partners surname.

It's transpired he doesn't want to get married. I would like my 3yo to have my name also or to share a name at least.

Would it be wrong to now double barrel their name or include my surname in their name just now?

They know my name is 'mummy law' and their dad and their name is 'daddy surname'.

Yabu - don't change it
Yanbu - change it

We could actually have an entire board on MN for “Women who only gave the dad’s name to the child because they thought he would marry them but he won’t.”

It wouldn’t be the quietest board.

If it matters to you do, and as you say you have his agreement, double barrel it. If either of you don’t like her name being different (and it’s not that different, is it?) then double barrel yours too.

My personal opinion is that I couldn’t care less. I gave my children their dad’s name because it’s a lovely name. So mine is different because I had no interest in changing it on marriage. They feel no less my children for having a different name 🤷🏻‍♀️

I still use my family name, even though I'm married , but the kids have their fathers name, and rightly so

Why ‘rightly so’? Why is it right that children should have their fathers surname? Because men said so?!

What on earth? It’s not weird at all, OP can chat to her 3 year old about her name!

It's not the chat about the name, it's the context. 3 year olds don't need their mummy to make any issue out of this. Of OP was being clear to the child about the difference in mummy and daddy name because OP was happy with that, fair enough. What OP has actually done is drag a 3 year old into something she isn't happy about and wants to change. It has nothing to do with the child and it is weird to bring them into adult unresolved situations.

to live with my grandparents

[quote kleew1]@Aprilx they know I have a different surname to them and their dad but don't understand why or anything.

If you say what's mummys full name, she says it. And if you say what is your full name/your dad's. She knows it too.[/quote]
I’m still not sure what you mean by “mummy law” unless you mean your surname is “Law”, I had read it as “law according to mummy”. 🙂

I wouldn’t double barrel, it usually sounds naff and I wouldn’t give her your surname as middle name either. Seeing as he is agreeable, I would change her name to your name, I would do it ASAP whilst he is agreeable too, it could get complicated if he changes his mind.

@conywarp you assumed the context. I explained above, we discuss people's names.

You instead assumed and decided to say it was the weirdest conversation, hence the responses.

No one is saying I should tell my daughter the explicit reasons or drag her into an adult conversation.

@conywarp

What on earth? It’s not weird at all, OP can chat to her 3 year old about her name!

It's not the chat about the name, it's the context. 3 year olds don't need their mummy to make any issue out of this. Of OP was being clear to the child about the difference in mummy and daddy name because OP was happy with that, fair enough. What OP has actually done is drag a 3 year old into something she isn't happy about and wants to change. It has nothing to do with the child and it is weird to bring them into adult unresolved situations.

You dont know thats how it happened though. Mine was fascinated by names/full names at that age. I think its because they start to realise that "mummy" and "daddy" are known as different names to other people and thats fascinating. Its also, actually, useful for them to be able to say what their parents full names are (and ideally their address as well). Makes it much easier if they ever get lost/in an emergency.

Can you change your surname to theirs or can you agree for them to changer their surnames to yours so you are all the same?

I think you should change it. We changed my almost three year olds name recently.

My in laws were very controlling and demanding people. I agreed to give our children DH's surname alone because I wanted to please them and they had thrown so many fits about things by then, I didn't want the battle.

But upon having the baby I immediately resented that he had DH's family name and not my own. Especially as I was doing all the medical appointments, forms, childcare enrolments etc- it was just annoying from an administrative perspective to have a different surname.

DH's parents controlling behaviour escalated after our first child was born. They became abusive and we actually ended up in court over it while I was pregnant with my second. It was horrific.

I said no way was that abusive man (my FIL) getting his name alone on my baby. The new baby got a double barrel name with my name first. We changed the older siblings names as well.

It's your child, changing the name is fine.

It sounds like your DP changed his mind about something important, you're allowed to change yours.

[quote kleew1]@conywarp you assumed the context. I explained above, we discuss people's names.

You instead assumed and decided to say it was the weirdest conversation, hence the responses.

No one is saying I should tell my daughter the explicit reasons or drag her into an adult conversation.[/quote]

Correct. People make assumption when information is lacking. I won't apologise for that.

This isn't a conversation for your 3 year old though. You have adult decisions to make and the whole premise seems to be based on your child knowing you as 'mummy law' and 'daddy surname' when really it's nothing you do with your child.

I would have the DCs name be your surname since the father won’t be marrying you. If you like, can use his surname as an extra middle name.

I agree don’t double-barrel it because it can be problematic travelling internationally when your DCs surname doesn’t match either parent. You’d have to carry a certified copy of the new birth certificate and show it with passport at every border crossing.

I think you should have discussed and decided on this before he was born - wont it just confuse him to change his name now?

I really would advise against giving your surname to your DD as an additional middle name. Middle names are rarely used, and you only ever hear of the mother's surname being relegated to a middle name. If it's such a great option to do that, why are men not happy for their surname to be the middle name instead?

I kept my surname when I got married. Before my pregnancy, I used to think I'd be happy with my surname as a middle name for my children, but actually I am equally as important as my husband and my children should have my name too. I'm close to my due date now, and my husband and I will give our twins both our surnames. It doesn't matter if people think double barrelled is clunky, or a mouthful to say. It has become increasingly popular for children to have both their parent's surnames, it is not unusual. All that matters is that you are happy with it. Don't compromise just because it's the easy option.

I know of a woman who changed her surname to her partners years before they eventually got married so that she would share a surname with her kids.

You don’t have to give a child the father’s or mother’s surname of course. You can create something brand-new just for them – or for the whole family. (We did this as I am a double barrel – don’t know anyone double-barrel who panics about the next generation “triple or quadruple barrel” as much as those with only one surname do!)

It's not difficult to travel with DC whose surnames don't match yours. I have done this many times with mine (whi didn't match at all) and that would be the case for OP of no change were made. If changed and double barrelled, then it would be a half match, which is better than none!

I think the DC will rapidly get used to the extended name. Just as they would if OP had been traditional and given the baby the mother's surname at birth, and later decided to change it on marriage

When double-barrelling, I would order the names according to how well they flow. I would definitely have both parts in full use.

Just give your child YOUR name. Start the process of changing things now. Double-barrelling can get in the sea. If he doesn't want to get married, then he's clearly not as 'traditional' as all that (though he'll probably try to make out he/it is when he attempts to justify giving/keeping his name).

@User0ne

We'll my 3 and 4 year olds talk about people's names (and trains names and cars names and animal names etc) all the time so it's totally normal to me.

I'm married to DH but didn't change my name, our kids are double barrelled. No they don't have the exact same name as either of us; they have both of our names together. They like it and it's easy for them to understand why: they are half me and half DH therefore half their name comes from me and half from DH.

I imagine it would also go some way to preventing the type of cross-border problems some people on Mumsnet talk about when the dc only has one parents surname and it's the other one taking them on holiday.

Neither DH nor I changed names when marrying. DD has my surname as her middle name and DH’s as her surname (would have been an 8 syllable double barrel). She loves that she has both family names in hers.

Never any issues travelling either.

@Scarydinosaurs

He might not like it but it’s his choice to not give you his surname so that’s his problem.

I am the same as you- would only give the surname if it matched my own. Double barrelled is lovely- I know some people don’t like it, but I had a double barrelled surname and always liked it.

Give her his surname?

She can choose any surname she likes. I don’t personally understand why any woman would bow down to the patriarchy by way of taking a man’s name anyway - the roots are in the ownership of women who literally had no rights at all. But if she really wants the same surname she can just bloody do it.

I’d keep the surname and change the child’s name to it.

@tofuschnitzel

I really would advise against giving your surname to your DD as an additional middle name. Middle names are rarely used, and you only ever hear of the mother's surname being relegated to a middle name. If it's such a great option to do that, why are men not happy for their surname to be the middle name instead?

I kept my surname when I got married. Before my pregnancy, I used to think I'd be happy with my surname as a middle name for my children, but actually I am equally as important as my husband and my children should have my name too. I'm close to my due date now, and my husband and I will give our twins both our surnames. It doesn't matter if people think double barrelled is clunky, or a mouthful to say. It has become increasingly popular for children to have both their parent's surnames, it is not unusual. All that matters is that you are happy with it. Don't compromise just because it's the easy option.

It flowed better for my name to go first - DH didn’t care either way. DD fiercely protective of all of her names and signs everything with all 4 initials.

And of course, if she ever did decide to change her surname at any point for any reason (she says she never will), she’ll still have my name in there. ;)

This is the weirdest conversation to have with a 3 year old. Your name is irrelevant. You are mum.

I disagree. It's important for children to know their parents names, phone numbers and addresses as soon as possible, in case they ever get separated from their parents accidentally.

My children certainly new our names at 3. Address and phone no probably a bit older, I can't remember, though it would have been in the days before mobile phones, when we all shared a landline, so easier.

I would double barrel. That's what we did for our kids. I think it makes it easier for administration eg doctors, school, travel etc to have one half of the same surname. I also think changing it to yours because he doesn't want to get married is a bit odd. He is still her father, regardless of the relationship between the adults.

Yes, double barrel is a bit clunky, but if they want to change it when they are older they are fully entitled to do whatever they want.

So you gave your daughter her dad's surname under the condition that you will later get married and also take his surname? And he was aware of this and agreed to it, and now after having a child with him he is saying he doesn't want to get married? That is a massive break of trust if that's the case. However I don't know how women still get duped by this, happens all the time.

You can change her surname, but would need agreement from her father as you are both her parents. I don't think it matters if she is aware of what her current surname is.

I'd be more worried that you weren't married. What is your financial set up OP? Would you be secure should the relationship break down?

Why don't you and DP just double barrel your surnames then all three of you take that surname?