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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel upset colleagues are excluding me

62 replies

user4106329 · 03/05/2021 19:07

I returned to work just over 2 months ago after been off with a long term illness. Before I was off work I got on well with my colleagues, we would go out for lunch a few times a week and for drinks at leats once a month.
Since returning to work they have been excluding me. They meet up for coffee twice a week, went out this weekend for drinks and if one of them does a coffee round at work they don't ask if I would like one.
My confidence is pretty low at the moment and this knocks it more.
AIBU to feel upset?

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 03/05/2021 19:20

This sounds sad. Do you think they resent the fact that you've been off? Has it caused them more work, or just that they feel you've been paid whilst they've been working?

I'd be upset. Can you speak to one of them about it?

Certainly if they did a coffee run and didn't get me one I'd be asking Why have you made coffee for everyone except me? Was it deliberate?

Original poster
user4106329 · 03/05/2021 19:40

@MadMadMadamMim

This sounds sad. Do you think they resent the fact that you've been off? Has it caused them more work, or just that they feel you've been paid whilst they've been working?

I'd be upset. Can you speak to one of them about it?

Certainly if they did a coffee run and didn't get me one I'd be asking Why have you made coffee for everyone except me? Was it deliberate?

Yes they resent me been off as the workload increased during the pandemic, one member of staff left because of the workload so I guess they blame me for that. I should speak to one of them but its finding the confidence to do it.
OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 03/05/2021 19:43

Who the fuck voted YABU?!

Ahhh OP that’s awful. Is there one of them you could take to one side and ask?

Welshmaenad · 03/05/2021 20:04

I feel really sad for you - I had to take a career break due to chronic illness and returning to work was really nerve wracking. I was lucky to return to a team who were really kind and supportive. What's your manager like? Can you discuss this with them?

I know how daunting it must seem to bring it up but I think it does need to be addressed before it starts to fester further. If they're really awful, do you have options to move to another team?

littlepattilou · 03/05/2021 20:05

Of COURSE YANBU @user4106329 And I ALSO wonder who the fuck is saying YABU! Hmm

HeddaGarbled · 03/05/2021 20:07

Missing you off the in-work coffee round is edging towards bullying. I’d have an informal chat with the boss.

emilyfrost · 03/05/2021 20:08

YANBU. Next time they do a coffee run butt in politely and cheerily say “I’ll have an X” please Smile

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/05/2021 20:08

Deliberately and consistently excluding one member of the team for things like coffee runs, is workplace bullying. How supportive are management and do you have an HR department?

BetterKateThanNever · 03/05/2021 20:11

Could you message them to plan something? Maybe if you make the first move and suggest a catch up they'll be alright, if they decline then you know they're insensitive and don't deserve your presence or time. Sorry you're going through this, I do hope they warm up to you again

Mary46 · 03/05/2021 20:12

Thats horrible op. Not nice to exclude somebody. Hope you ok. Are they all like that. I worked with a colleague used eat with her back to me. Just rude. She knew she was doing it too

AllThatisSolid · 03/05/2021 20:29

You've been away for an extended period, and so they've got a routine & a socialising culture going that developed without you.

Added to that, they've had to pick up your work and have been dealing with the extra load caused by covid. Of course, that's down to bad management, but - particularly in the public sector - this is par for the course. There's rarely proper replacement if someone's on extended sick leave, because there's generally no budget.

Can you make an effort to be friendly, offer to make the coffee, and so on? Love bomb them a bit, so that you reintegrate.

Hankunamatata · 03/05/2021 20:34

People get resentful when someone has to have extended time off work, esp for depression or mental illness as its not understood or they dont want to understand. People are inherently selfish they dont care you were off ill or they care about is that their workload increased and you weren't there.

Its not fair or right. I'd start by trying to be nice- offer to do coffee round, bring in some food treats

CharlotteRose90 · 03/05/2021 20:50

Been there done that. It’s not nice what their doing but they aren’t doing anything wrong . If there’s not a rule saying whoever makes coffee does it for everyone then then they can exclude you sadly. It’s a shitty thing but it happens. I’ve done it both times been off myself for a long time and also carried on when someone else was off. People grow resentment and it’s not fair but it happens. I wouldn’t say anything personally as nothing will change.

Newchances · 03/05/2021 21:51

Sorry to hear you feel this way...I know in my work a few went out this weekend but only 6 could go due to the restrictions...I didn't go as these colleagues are a lot younger than me and i will be going out this weekend with others in there 30s. Wasn't anything like that was it ?

ThatIsMyPotato · 03/05/2021 21:56

Make a note of anything in work that contributes to a hostile atmosphere of exclusion. So the coffee rounds. Unfortunately not much you can do about their time out of work.

TopBlogger · 03/05/2021 21:59

Yanbu, how nasty of them
Re the coffee. I'd take the initiative and start the coffee round with "" Right! Who wants what? " then if the next time it's someone else's turn and they miss you out give them one chance 'Oy, have i lost weight and become invisible 😁" if it carries on after that - straight to HR

Cocomelt · 03/05/2021 22:00

YANBU OP. It sounds like they are resenting you for being off. I'm due on mat leave soon & getting similar treatment from colleagues who I thought were good friends. Very odd & it does play on your mind.

I hope things improve for you, if not could you bring it up & make them aware of how it's making you feel?

converseandjeans · 03/05/2021 22:05

How long were you off for? Was is Mental Health related? If so I would imagine they might be disgruntled about picking up extra work load. Especially if you were being paid whilst off.

It's not nice though. I don't really know how you broach the subject. Maybe offer to do a round of coffees for them all?

AMillionMilesAway · 03/05/2021 22:27

YANBU, this is a form of bullying in the workplace and it's shitty.

It's not your fault that your manager put all your work onto them.

If you are feeling brave you could be direct with the coffee maker. Or is there one person who is at least civil you could talk to?

Voomster953 · 04/05/2021 07:54

I’d do a coffee run myself for everyone to be the bigger person and make a point. Then if I was deliberately left out of the next one, I’d go and see HR / the boss to make them aware of it.

GlencoraP · 04/05/2021 08:00

I honestly thought we had come further than this , so if the OP had a physical illness that’s fine but mental illness is not and people are entitled to resent her for it . Who gets to decide the relative importance of illness I wonder.

LolaSmiles · 04/05/2021 08:03

YANBU
It's this sort of culture that makes life difficult for people who have been off for mental health reasons or chronic illnesses. Unfortunately some people would rather blame the person who has been unwell rather than place the responsibility for work allocation with the manager.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2021 08:03

Op, how long have you been off?

Could it be they have got into a routine and it’s just thoughtlessness? They are used to you not being there?

Or is there a flip side, do they think in some way you went off to avoid working during Covid?

Lalliella · 04/05/2021 08:07

@GlencoraP

I honestly thought we had come further than this , so if the OP had a physical illness that’s fine but mental illness is not and people are entitled to resent her for it . Who gets to decide the relative importance of illness I wonder.
Well said @GlencoraP

You are a million times NBU OP. Your colleagues are petty bullying twats. Even if you go to your manager or HR and things changed I wouldn’t be able to see past this. They’ve shown their true colours. I would be looking for another job tbh. Sorry this is happening to you Flowers

Ivy48 · 04/05/2021 08:08

I don’t think it matters if they’ve got a new routine. Whenever someone joins my team, old or new colleagues, we make an effort to include them. It’s straight up rudeness and bordering on bullying

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