to feel upset colleagues are excluding me

[user4106329]

I returned to work just over 2 months ago after been off with a long term illness. Before I was off work I got on well with my colleagues, we would go out for lunch a few times a week and for drinks at leats once a month.
Since returning to work they have been excluding me. They meet up for coffee twice a week, went out this weekend for drinks and if one of them does a coffee round at work they don't ask if I would like one.
My confidence is pretty low at the moment and this knocks it more.
AIBU to feel upset?

[nzborn]

This is Bullying and l would expect a manager to address it in the workplace.

[Bluntness100]

@nzborn

This is Bullying and l would expect a manager to address it in the workplace.

Address what though? Other than not getting her a coffee there is nothing for the manager to address. The manger can’t force them to meet with her outside work for coffee or drinks.

Op, it’s up to you if you feel comfortable sharing your cancer diagnosis or treatment, but letting one of them know would be the way to resolve this, rightly or wrongly. The resentment they feel towards you is ill placed and rhey are clearly thinking you were off becayse you didn’t wish to work front line during Covid. If they continue to think that it’s likely they will never be friendly with you ever again I’m afraid. I’m sure if they knew they’d be ashamed and it would change.

[Mary46]

Op am sorry. Just lousy. I temped in a hosp one or 2 nice others little clicky madams. I was excluded from lunches and doors shut. Its horrible but it says more about them. Hope you ok

[SugarCrash1]

@Voomster953

I’d do a coffee run myself for everyone to be the bigger person and make a point. Then if I was deliberately left out of the next one, I’d go and see HR / the boss to make them aware of it.

Good idea! If everyone refuses, also report it. I was glad to go to everyone making their own as refusing offers could also be used as a weapon.

[Bluntness100]

I just am not sure it’s a good idea to go to the boss and hr and say “they don’t get me coffee” it’s hardly going to make relations better really if they get their arses kicked and told to get her coffee. I mean they will do it, but I don’t think the op wants to be inc just because they are forced to include her.

They will still meet up outside work without her. No employer can tell an employee who to socialise with outside work.

I think the only solution is to say to one of them why she was off and it’s not she screwed rhem all over and didn’t work due to not wishing to.

[LolaSmiles]

Bluntness100
I hadn't realised there was that many people refusing to do front line services.
However, I still can't sympathise with people who would be unpleasant and exclude someone who has returned back from work. It's not for them to decide who is deserving or undeserving of leave.

I really think there has to be zero tolerance to colleagues appointing themselves judge and jury over people's leave. Nobody should feel like they have to explain themselves to colleagues to justify being off, though I have felt that several times in schools where there can be an equally unhealthy attitude to staff absence and health.

[user4106329]

@Bluntness100

I just am not sure it’s a good idea to go to the boss and hr and say “they don’t get me coffee” it’s hardly going to make relations better really if they get their arses kicked and told to get her coffee. I mean they will do it, but I don’t think the op wants to be inc just because they are forced to include her.

They will still meet up outside work without her. No employer can tell an employee who to socialise with outside work.

I think the only solution is to say to one of them why she was off and it’s not she screwed rhem all over and didn’t work due to not wishing to.

I agree that telling them is probably the only solution, but I'm struggling to cope with the diagnosis myself and don't feel comfortable talking about it at work.

[converseandjeans]

Sorry to hear you had cancer. I honestly think you should ask your manager to have a word on your behalf. To explain to the team why you were off. It's poor behaviour from them & I think the majority would feel bad about being obviously rude to you. However I don't know if they are nice enough to worry about having any sort of friendship with? Hope you're on the mend.

[Feelingbad2]

I would tell them, they will feel terrible and so they should!

Big hugs

[HercwasanEnemyofEducation]

I'd tell them too. I'd make sure they knew it wasn't something you want to talk about again unless you choose to bring it up. But I'd sit them down and say something like "I didn't choose to be off work, I was seriously ill and I am still recovering/recieving treatment. Please don't ask about it, I don't want to go into details. However the way you have treated me since my return has felt unfriendly. If this is due to me being off work, now you know I was seriously ill."

[happytoday73]

As a PP has said are they meeting up in group of 6 for covid reasons.... Or would they use this as an excuse? If so I'd point out that government guidance is shouldn't be making each other drinks in workplaces (unless it's recently changed).. But I'm petty like that..

Honestly though OP.. Its horrible.. I really feel for you.. You don't need this on top of everything else and shouldn't have to talk to people about having had cancer.
I would speak to your manager and see if they can nudge the situation along.... A few queries to key people to ensure you are OK after back after being so unwell...
I wish you the best

[honeybeetheoneandonly]

OP, how did you return from your long term absence? Did you start the first week breezy as if you'd never left? Did you talk to people? What did you talk about? Or did you avoid people because you didn't want to talk about it? I understand, after two months you will all have fallen into a routine now, but I can't help feeling that those first few days may have set the track for this new dynamic.

You say you used to socialise frequently before, so surely, in that case, they greeted you along the lines of "Hi X, omg it's been ages. How are you? Everything alright? What on earth happened?"
If you said, you didn't want to talk about it or you just avoided them then maybe they understood it as a sign to give you space?
You knew them before. If they weren't horrible then, they won't have fundamentally changed now. Talk to them.
If they were horrible before, you just weren't on the wrong side, then there is not much you can do beyond escalating it to your manager/HR.