Page 2 | to feel upset colleagues are excluding me

user4106329 · 2021-05-03T18:07:34+00:00

I returned to work just over 2 months ago after been off with a long term illness. Before I was off work I got on well with my colleagues, we would go out for lunch a few times a week and for drinks at leats once a month. Since returning to work they have been excluding me. They meet up for coffee twice a week, went out this weekend for drinks and if one of them does a coffee round at work they don't ask if I would like one. My confidence is pretty low at the moment and this knocks it more. AIBU to feel upset?

Blueberrybonus · 04/05/2021 08:12

I think this is shocking and don’t think you should have to butter people up by offering them a coffee etc. They should be treating you with respect, regardless of the reason that you were off.
Speak to your line manager and don’t put up with it

user1471457751 · 04/05/2021 08:47

Have you not done a coffee run since you've been back? I think you should try that first and see if they start to include and if not you need to escalate to your boss as a bullying issue

DemelzaRobins · 04/05/2021 08:53

I had similar treatment when returning to work after a month off sick. I went back part time initially on medical advice. Management got involved, not just because I was being left out of team lunches etc. but also because I was being left out of work. My colleagues weren't sharing the information with me I needed to do my job. They also made a lot of comments about how I was faking my illness, about how I was deceiving my doctors into thinking I was ill and 'alright for some' when I left earlier than them due to my part time hours. I also got comments about being on full pay on reduced hours even though my salary had been reduced in line with my hours.

It's an awful thing to experience.

OP, I would speak to your manager. Where I work this wouldn't be tolerated. We have had people off for in excess of a year following a breakdown, people off sick for months with cancer, after a miscarriage, off sick due to bad backs/needing new knees or hips etc. and people hospitalised for Covid. We have just been worried about them and glad they're feeling better when they return.

There is no need to be shitty to someone who has been off sick. If they have been under increased pressure whilst you were off that isn't your fault.

Overdueanamechange · 04/05/2021 09:15

I don't agree with those who tell you to buy you way back into the clique with sweet treats and gushy niceness. Unless there is something major you are missing out - ie massive age difference (for outside of work socialising), then you need to speak to HR, as this is low level bullying.

Overdueanamechange · 04/05/2021 09:21

BTW I've been there. A fair few years ago I had just two weeks off work for a non urgent medical procedure but didn't want anyone to know what it was, so asked my line manager for discretion. She resented my absence and allowed everyone to gossip instead and didn't correct the rumour that it was for an abortion.

LaBellina · 04/05/2021 09:23

That’s really sad.

I think you shouldn’t feel obligated to invite any colleagues that you don’t really get along with for any social non work related meet ups outside working hours but it’s very unkind and also very unprofessional to not get you a coffee at work when everyone is getting one (except you). So you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Agree with pp to write down every incident that contributes to this hostile environment for you and take it to HR after a week or 6.
Not immediately because then they can use the excuse that they haven’t gotten used to you being back, they forgot but no bad intentions, blablabla.

I’m sorry that you’re going trough this. I hope the situation will improve soon. for you

Voomster953 · 04/05/2021 09:23

@Overdueanamechange

BTW I've been there. A fair few years ago I had just two weeks off work for a non urgent medical procedure but didn't want anyone to know what it was, so asked my line manager for discretion. She resented my absence and allowed everyone to gossip instead and didn't correct the rumour that it was for an abortion.

That is outrageous.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 04/05/2021 09:40

i am sorry but it is horribly common.
i hope it is resolved soon.
bite the bullet and invite yourself , clear the air

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2021 10:11

Op, can I ask, and you don’t need to answer, was the illness mental as opposed to physical? Could they think you just faked it to get out of working and they all had to not just continue and do their work but also yours too?

Also can I ask where do you work? You’re not a front line worker?

Original poster

user4106329 · 04/05/2021 14:54

@Bluntness100

Op, can I ask, and you don’t need to answer, was the illness mental as opposed to physical? Could they think you just faked it to get out of working and they all had to not just continue and do their work but also yours too?

Also can I ask where do you work? You’re not a front line worker?

It’s physical I had cancer but my colleagues don’t know I did. Yes I’m a frontline worker.

OP posts:

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 04/05/2021 14:57

Obviously it's been a difficult time for everyone and it's probably been harder with one member off staff sick HOWEVER you clearly didn't choose to be sick. They sound like they're not only not including you but going out of their way to be nasty. If you're doing a coffee round you ask everyone, leaving someone out is extrodinarily petty. I personallywouldn't bother salvaging a friendship with them. Of course you're going to be upset though. It hurts to find out friends aren't what you thought they were and it hurts be left out (even if the people in question sound vile).

Gothichouse40 · 04/05/2021 15:01

Is there one colleague you really trust? Is it possible to talk to them about the situation? If you really can't, I'd suggest looking for another job, difficult I know.

motherloaded · 04/05/2021 15:05

You shouldn't have to, but you really should tell them. You don't have to be ashamed when you had a genuine reason to be off.

Ultimately, do you want a decent environment at work, do you want to stay there? Sometimes it's not about being right but making things working your way.

And do get involved in the coffee run. That's not acceptable.

Not much you can do about meetings out of the office unfortunately.

NurseButtercup · 04/05/2021 15:13

I had a feeling that you were a front line worker.
People in healthcare are fickle, petty and can demonstrate highly unprofessional behaviour, which if left unmanaged can have a detrimental impact upon patient safety.

You've only mentioned being excluded from coffee rounds and after work drinks. Are you also being ignored when trying to complete work related tasks where you need support from the team?

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2021 15:22

I’m sorry you had cancer op.

Could it be they think you just shirked because of the pandemic, if they don’t know what was wrong and you’re a front line worker who stopped working during the pandemic?

IntermittentParps · 04/05/2021 15:54

That's horrible. I'm sorry, OP.
Can you talk to a manager? Just be really honest and say things have changed and it's upsetting you as you used to feel part of a great team?

LolaSmiles · 04/05/2021 16:18

That's really horrible.
It shouldn't matter what the reason was, colleagues have no reason to be unpleasant and exclusionary because someone has been absent.

A friend said to me that when people do that they're essentially saying their non-expert, non-medical, opinion on someone's illness is more valid than the team of medical professionals who have the information and decided that someone is not fit for work. Whilst I always viewed workplace bitching negatively, this altered my view to realise there is an unpleasant arrogance behind people who do this.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2021 16:29

It shouldn't matter what the reason was, colleagues have no reason to be unpleasant and exclusionary because someone has been absent

It shouldn’t, but the op is a front line worker. If it’s health related, ie nurse, care worker, or doctor, then many of them went off and didn’t wish to work front lines, causing really substantial issues for the remaining staff. I think it was about 30 plus percent off and not due to isolation etc. Which caused huge resentment for the ones who went in and did their bit under really terrible conditions.

So it could be as they don’t know, they think the op was someone who just shirked and they hate her for it. Becayse they don’t know she was ill with cancer.

IntermittentParps · 04/05/2021 16:31

they think the op was someone who just shirked and they hate her for it. Becayse they don’t know she was ill with cancer.
Doesn't matter what she was ill with. Colleagues don't get to decide what 'deserves' time off more.

HollowTalk · 04/05/2021 16:35

I hope you're fully recovered now.

Why did they think you were off?

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2021 16:42

@IntermittentParps

they think the op was someone who just shirked and they hate her for it. Becayse they don’t know she was ill with cancer. Doesn't matter what she was ill with. Colleagues don't get to decide what 'deserves' time off more.

It shouldn’t matter, but in the height of the pandemic a lot of front line workers sadly bowed out, they couldn’t face it, and others picked up the slack. Thankfully. And they went through hell doing it.

It’s not about colleagues deciding who deserves time off, but resenting someone for not doing their bit then sauntering back when it’s all over, because they don’t know the reason she was not working during their worst ever work period.

Don’t forget how horrific it was for many front line workers, many left their families for months on end, to go and care for the sick, it was unprecedented. So resentment if you think someone just didn’t want to work it and made it worse for everyone else is natural.

The issue here is likely they don’t know why she was off during this terrible period and returned when it was over, and have jumped to thr wrong conclusion, they don’t know she was being treated for cancer.

Is it wrong yes, is it understandable given how difficult it was and what the staff went through, yes. If I was a nurse and a colleague stopped working when the pandemic hit and came back when it was over and everyone thought it was because they couldn’t face it and just didn’t want to, I’d likely not be friendly with them either to be honest.

IntermittentParps · 04/05/2021 16:51

Nah, sorry, Bluntness, I don't accept that. These weren't colleagues whose relationship was distant; they got on well and did lunch or drinks regularly. They must have known the OP quite well. What kind of person automatically assumes the worst of a liked and respected colleague like that?
In a way I think the OP is better off without them, now they've shown their true colours. But it is of course hurtful to be rejected by people you thought liked you.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2021 16:53

@IntermittentParps

Nah, sorry, Bluntness, I don't accept that. These weren't colleagues whose relationship was distant; they got on well and did lunch or drinks regularly. They must have known the OP quite well. What kind of person automatically assumes the worst of a liked and respected colleague like that? In a way I think the OP is better off without them, now they've shown their true colours. But it is of course hurtful to be rejected by people you thought liked you.

Yes I’m wondering that, why they would jump to the wrong conclusion about her, the op says they resent her, so clearly it’s something like this, but why they think this when they know her I can’t guess.

Sunny1112 · 04/05/2021 16:57

Oh op I’m really sorry

Did these people contact you whilst you were off asking after you?
If no, fu(k them. Their not worth your time.

If yes, it may be worth confiding in one of them and telling them how you feel, and if comfortable what happened.

Cowbells · 04/05/2021 17:01

I know it's far easier to say than do but you need to have a word. Pick the one or two you got on best with before you were ill and ask them for a word. Tell them you had cancer and had no choice but to take the time off but now you are back, would they please make the effort to include you at the very least in coffee runs and the occasional lunch and drinks. Surely they can't resent that.