I should never have married my husband

[Fooked]

Or more to the point, he should never have married me.

I recently found some of my old journals from before we were married or had kids.

They covered the period when we moved in together. I'd recently moved to London (long distance relationship prior to that). The main themes of the (admittedly shite and self involved) scribblings are that now DH was stressed and distant now that I was in the same town, seemed to be pulling away from me, couldn't handle the realities of an adult relationship. Basically he just wasn't that into me.

A couple of months later he got kicked out of his house share and we moved in together.

Looking back, this was a totally practical decision on his part, and a needy one on mine. If I was advising younger me now I'd say don't move in - be more independent for a while, see how it goes. I was young and recently bereaved and clutching at straws.

A year later we got pregnant, decided to move out of London, got married, and now here we are. 8 years later. Things aren't bad but they're not great. There have been children, serious health issues, money worries, and its all become a bit flat. Par for the course I thought, a natural reaction to the situations we've found ourselves in. But reading these old journals has got me thinking...

Maybe we should never have got married. Perhaps I just pushed things and he was (is) too non confrontational to ditch me. It makes sense of a lot of things. Our marriage has lots of good things about it, he's a good man. But I have always had the nagging feeling thatbhe just doesn't FEEL it. It's all a bit dispassionate.

So I suppose I'm asking: am I the only woman to have found themselves in this situation? With a thoroughly decent man they love but suspects isn't IN love with you, after years, and kids, and life?

What do you do? Is it enough? Is trust and loyalty and respect enough to see a marriage through to a time when we'll have fewer pressures and things will rekindle (or even kindle)? I guess that's the clincher really.

And if it's not enough, do people walk away from a perfectly acceptable life and a happy home for the kids, to pursue something else? Something riskier? That may not even ever exist?

My first marriage was like this. I strongly suspect that he married me partly because he knew he'd lose me otherwise but actually wouldn't have otherwise and it would have fizzled out. No kids though so that's a completely different kettle of fish. I'm very glad I divorced exH and married DH. But if I had kids, I don't know.

Did you utterly love him at one point or do you think neither of you did?

Marriage is a different thing to every person you ask. What matters is, is your marriage giving you what you need?

Have you talked with him about any of this? You might both be feeling a bit deflated over the relationship and perhaps counselling would be beneficial, or just being proactive about getting to know each other again and committing to make an effort. Trial separation is an option.

I guess you've got to choose if you want to see what your marriage could be like after 6 months of work at it, but if you're not in love and dont see this as your life then that's something you've got to consider, especially if you suspect he feels the same.

I did utterly love him, and I still love him, but its a bit couched in sadness now.

A lot of things happened. We had a really rough few years. Childbirth trauma which affected both of us but has never really been discussed, early menopause (at 32) for me, weight gain, loss of fitness, loss of identity...

We also moved to his home town a VERY long way from my family and previous life. I was totally up for it at the time but in hindsight think its left us on an uneven footing.

I think part of the problem is that he's not comfortable talking about these things. He's avoidant. Claims its because he's a shy/socially awkward person but as a frown up that doesn't really fly. I can't help thinking if he really cared he'd try more. But then, his life (near his mum, his friends, in the place where he grew up, doing the job he always wanted) is otherwise pretty cushy so I cansee that in his mind, why rock the boat?

I'm doing more stuff for me lately, but with the pandemic my life has become very small again (after the isolation of tiny children) and I feel like my fulfillment is secondary to everything.

If he does struggle with social situations like this, and talking at him isnt productive then you could try writing it down in a letter. Ask him to read it, and set aside time in smaller chunks to work through it, once he has has time to think through your feelings and his own.

I know that's a massive concessions, because its asking you to be patient over something he should be able to just talk to you about, but it could open a dialogue.

Suggesting some role reversal discussion would be my first suggestion too. Ask him to talk about how things have been, but in your shoes not his as you've made sacrifices he hasnt and gone through some massive physical punches which he hasnt. He might just not be considering that stuff. He may see your married life though his eyes only; kids, living near family etc. Its all decent for him. He has to make an effort to really imagine what your feelings are looking at it from your side.

I'm the same, met my now exh, was engaged & bought a house within 6 months, wedding all booked, tried to end relationship but got brainwashed in to staying & got married. Even on the day we got married I was hoping he wouldn't turn up, I hadn't got the balls to speak up & say I didn't want to marry him. Three months in to the marriage I tried to end things & again got brainwashed. Within 9 months I was pregnant with ds, when I was 7 months pregnant my husband was diagnosed with MS. Had I not been pregnant or if I was in early pregnancy I would have left then. I stayed until ds was 6 & by then the marriage was a train wreck, I was a shadow of my former self, my mental & physical health was screwed. Exh did something unforgivable & I took ds & left.. I have never regretted leaving, since then I have been diagnosed with Autism & had I known then would never have got married, my Autism means that I can't cope with being in any kind of relationship where I haven't got my own space & am not in control of the pace of the relationship. I honestly don't think I am cut out for relationships.

I'm shamlessly bumping this here as I've been thinking about it a lot today and its making me quite worried. I'm just wondering if anyone has been here and found a way through it?

What do you want?

I think there's an element of grass is greener syndrome here.

Imagine yourself newly single with your kids. What would you do, where would you go? Do you think you'd be happier?

Do you want to split up? What would that mean?
Have you tried to talk to him? Are you frightened of what his answer would be?
I really think you need to have the conversation OP

I cannot imagine spending my life knowing deep down the person I married doesn't love me quite the way or level I loved them/wished they did. Thats a path for certain heartache and erosion surely?

My marriage is a bit stale and as someone mentioned above there's an element of is the grass greener, but this really is down to the monotonous life of raising small kids etc on the extremely rare occasion we go away alone etc I'm always reminded why we are together.

I'm sorry you're in such conflict. I think the bottom line is, is this enough for you?

I don't want to split up, but I also don't want a whole lifetime of feeling like I've never really been loved by my partner,. Just sort of chosen as a path of least resistance and then tolerated.

There’s a lot to be said for trust, loyalty and respect in a marriage. The grass isn’t always greener.

Tell him how you feel? He may just not be very demonstrative. You could be worrying over nothing.

@Fooked

I don't want to split up, but I also don't want a whole lifetime of feeling like I've never really been loved by my partner,. Just sort of chosen as a path of least resistance and then tolerated.

Oh gosh this is exactly how I feel. I fell in love with my now DH when we met, so I didn't care that he was meh about me.

My DH is a good house mate and co parent but he isn't at all attracted to me or affectionate.

He is perfectly satisfied. I think he is somewhat asexual/aromantic. I've tried to talk about it but he just says I'm imagining it, he is really attracted me to and we have sex all the time. Which is just not true, we haven't had sex in a year or even hugged/kissed in that time.

For now I've decided to stay for reasons pps mentioned. Realistically would my life be better single with 2 young dc? Grass is greener etc. It is going to be a a bit of a lonely life though.

FlyNow, gosh that sounds so familiar. And you summed it up exactly. It is quite a lonely life. And I can't help wondering whether one day I might regret not doing something about it.

I suspect there is an element of grass is always greener too. I'm not nieve and I stay for what we do have, but it is a little bit crushing all the same.

@FlyNow you haven’t had any physical contact in a year? And he thinks that’s okay?

No advice, but similar situation and yes, it's lonely.
He's a good guy and I can't bring myself to break up our family just because I want to feel loved. He hasn't really changed, just my tolerance has gone down. Feel like I've made my own bed, so now I have to lie in it.
I too knew on my wedding day I was doing the wrong thing and had tried to break it off before then. Just got swept up in the expectations of others and convenience. Then DD came along.
Parents and a joint mortgage, plus I no longer work. Splitting up would be painful for everyone.
Can't remember when we last had sex, or hugged, of kissed hello / just because.

Talk to him, explain how you feel and if you can't do that or he isn't receptive then walk away. The only thing I would say is take stock of what you would be leaving behind and as other posters say the grass isn't always greener. On the flip side life is also too short to just coast.

My relationship with dh was very exciting and passionate in the beginning, two kids later we now have a house, another baby on the way and it isn't the same on that level. What hasn't changed is that we laugh together, dance together, still enjoy each others company and make time for each other, we both show an interest in each other careers, we are still attracted to each other and in love. Relationships change and evolve over time but you need to keep nurturing them if you expect them to last.

Interesting that the sex thing comes up a lot. We hardly have sex any more, and aren't particularly affectionate either.

My body changed loads after a disastrous birth and lots of surgeries. I tried for years to say this is an opportunity for us to enjoy each other anew, he just wasn't interested. In fact he once out and out told me that he's just quite selfish and isn't really into finding out new things to turn me on when the old stuff still works for him.

So we left it at that.

[quote likeafishneedsabike]@FlyNow you haven’t had any physical contact in a year? And he thinks that’s okay?[/quote]
Some people would be ok with that. Horses for courses

Sceptre86 I entirely agree. Any attempt to nurture our relationship seems to come solely from me. I have to pester to get a night out together, or a special meal at home or anything, if I left it to him, even after discussing it, it just wouldn't happen. From that I concluded he didn't really care, and as trying single handedly was pretty sole destroying, I gave up.

Hi OP,
Apologies in advance, this is going to sound brutal.
You can't make him love you. You have only two choices:

1. Accept he does not love you and make the best of the life you have
2. Leave him.

Only you can decide which you prefer.

@Fooked

Interesting that the sex thing comes up a lot. We hardly have sex any more, and aren't particularly affectionate either.

My body changed loads after a disastrous birth and lots of surgeries. I tried for years to say this is an opportunity for us to enjoy each other anew, he just wasn't interested. In fact he once out and out told me that he's just quite selfish and isn't really into finding out new things to turn me on when the old stuff still works for him.

So we left it at that.

I'm surprised that his out and out admission that he doesn't care about pleasing you in bed as long as he still gets off wasn't mentioned in your OP, especially in the context of a traumatic birth. That's a big deal. A very big deal.

It's a whole new level of selfishness, dissociation and lack of care for you. I can't get past it.

Sounds a bit like my marriage, except my STBXH turned out to be gay. It explains the nagging feeling of never being good enough, not being properly loved.

I'm not suggesting your DH is gay. However, I'm now seeing a lovely man and although it's still early days, it's a completely different relationship experience. Obviously, in my case that's because I'm now in a relationship with someone who genuinely finds me attractive. But I suspect it would be similar for anyone who's been in a 'flat' relationships and then finds out what it's like to be with someone who really cares.

I would have stuck it out forever probably, if my ex had been willing (said he was bi first, gradually concluded he was actually gay) and I would never have known there was more to life. The sexuality issue forced our separation. I can see how, without a big thing like that, you could muddle along for a long time. But you (both) deserve better.

Counselling might help, but if he doesn't really love you then you're probably never going to be truly happy.

I'd now rather be single than in a loveless relationship.