I should never have married my husband

[Fooked]

Or more to the point, he should never have married me.

I recently found some of my old journals from before we were married or had kids.

They covered the period when we moved in together. I'd recently moved to London (long distance relationship prior to that). The main themes of the (admittedly shite and self involved) scribblings are that now DH was stressed and distant now that I was in the same town, seemed to be pulling away from me, couldn't handle the realities of an adult relationship. Basically he just wasn't that into me.

A couple of months later he got kicked out of his house share and we moved in together.

Looking back, this was a totally practical decision on his part, and a needy one on mine. If I was advising younger me now I'd say don't move in - be more independent for a while, see how it goes. I was young and recently bereaved and clutching at straws.

A year later we got pregnant, decided to move out of London, got married, and now here we are. 8 years later. Things aren't bad but they're not great. There have been children, serious health issues, money worries, and its all become a bit flat. Par for the course I thought, a natural reaction to the situations we've found ourselves in. But reading these old journals has got me thinking...

Maybe we should never have got married. Perhaps I just pushed things and he was (is) too non confrontational to ditch me. It makes sense of a lot of things. Our marriage has lots of good things about it, he's a good man. But I have always had the nagging feeling thatbhe just doesn't FEEL it. It's all a bit dispassionate.

So I suppose I'm asking: am I the only woman to have found themselves in this situation? With a thoroughly decent man they love but suspects isn't IN love with you, after years, and kids, and life?

What do you do? Is it enough? Is trust and loyalty and respect enough to see a marriage through to a time when we'll have fewer pressures and things will rekindle (or even kindle)? I guess that's the clincher really.

And if it's not enough, do people walk away from a perfectly acceptable life and a happy home for the kids, to pursue something else? Something riskier? That may not even ever exist?

I have a similar situation, it was also a long distance relationship to begin with, then after a few years I moved to be with him in his country.

My husband puts work first. I believe he is a dismissive avoidant (relationship style). It will be impossible to ever feel close or to trust him completely as this makes him pull away. Its a cycle.

In the early days he blamed work for avoidant behaviour and said when he had achieved certain sucesses he would be less stressed and have more time to be affectionate etc.
I believed him as I truly loved him and felt we were building a life together, I only saw what I wanted to see.

He is a good person but he cannot support me emtionally,. I don't feel he 'loves' me as I understand it. There is a lack of intimacy and physical affection. No cuddles, no holding hands, no compliments.

It has left me angry and regretful for not leaving when I was still young and free. And feeling very lonely within the marriage.
I have seen a therapist who basically said you deserve more. You need to decide to leave or decide you can cope with how it is and gain affection, caring and companionship elsewhere (friends etc.).
I have two young kids and our life seems good from the outside.
But the lack of a true partner who cares about me in my life haunts me every day.

I am so worried that when the kids grow up and leave, or I fall ill. I will literally be left on my own. (I live in his country so my family and good childhood friends are a plane ride away.)

Its very hard to know what is best, very interesting to read replies here about people who separated and found a better relationship. It gives me hope.

Look, plenty of people live beige tinted lives, married to a nice-ish person who is basically a house mate who they co-parent with. And that's sufficient for plenty of people.

But, it sounds like you need much more colour in your life, which is absolutely fine. Plenty of people remain head over heels in love with their partners for their whole lives, it's not unattainable. But you need to find the right person.

Handhold OP. This is not identical but very similar to how I feel about my marriage. Thank you for posting as its been helpful even to know that other posters are in similar situations - not necessarily horrible but very flat marriages to someone who isn't the love of their Iives.

I met DH when I was very unhappy and 19. Loads of issues very early on but I was miserable at home and being with him/living together was a route out of my own family. Eventually got married and have had 2 kids, I've also relocated to his end of the country, a very long way from my family and friends. Now find myself wondering how on earth I've ended up here. I don't fancy DH at all, I don't like the way he parents, I find we clash a lot over every day things. On the other hand my children have a lovely home and lots of outdoor space which I wouldn't get if I were by myself, I am financially secure which I wouldn't be and we share chores/house admin. No romance or passion though. Is this it?

I shared my own situation upthread, but I just wanted to say thank you for posting. The responses are helping me work through feelings.