I should never have married my husband

[Fooked]

Or more to the point, he should never have married me.

I recently found some of my old journals from before we were married or had kids.

They covered the period when we moved in together. I'd recently moved to London (long distance relationship prior to that). The main themes of the (admittedly shite and self involved) scribblings are that now DH was stressed and distant now that I was in the same town, seemed to be pulling away from me, couldn't handle the realities of an adult relationship. Basically he just wasn't that into me.

A couple of months later he got kicked out of his house share and we moved in together.

Looking back, this was a totally practical decision on his part, and a needy one on mine. If I was advising younger me now I'd say don't move in - be more independent for a while, see how it goes. I was young and recently bereaved and clutching at straws.

A year later we got pregnant, decided to move out of London, got married, and now here we are. 8 years later. Things aren't bad but they're not great. There have been children, serious health issues, money worries, and its all become a bit flat. Par for the course I thought, a natural reaction to the situations we've found ourselves in. But reading these old journals has got me thinking...

Maybe we should never have got married. Perhaps I just pushed things and he was (is) too non confrontational to ditch me. It makes sense of a lot of things. Our marriage has lots of good things about it, he's a good man. But I have always had the nagging feeling thatbhe just doesn't FEEL it. It's all a bit dispassionate.

So I suppose I'm asking: am I the only woman to have found themselves in this situation? With a thoroughly decent man they love but suspects isn't IN love with you, after years, and kids, and life?

What do you do? Is it enough? Is trust and loyalty and respect enough to see a marriage through to a time when we'll have fewer pressures and things will rekindle (or even kindle)? I guess that's the clincher really.

And if it's not enough, do people walk away from a perfectly acceptable life and a happy home for the kids, to pursue something else? Something riskier? That may not even ever exist?

There's been a lot of things like that tbh, so it doesn't feel stand out noteworthy. None of them delivered as a dramatic admission, just a statement of fact. It makes me feel like I don't matter.

And then I thinknof the kids and how much they adore their dad and remind myself that I don't matter really, not enough to up end everything for my own selfish satisfaction (not sexual, just in life terms). I think I'm resigned to this being how it is and trying to make the best of it, but every now and again I have a wobble.

There are plenty of relationships like this, OP. And there are only (very broadly speaking) two types of people in this regard: people who settle, and people who won't.

I found myself single and childless (despite wanting a family) in my mid-thirties because I absolutely could not abide the type of relationship you're talking about. It just isn't real! Isn't enough (for me). I sometimes lamented that I had given up my chance of a family. I thought I must have standards that are too high given that so many people have managed to settle down but not me. I wondered if I were a lost cause.

I got lucky and met someone wonderful and now have a child (working on another). I would never have met him had I settled. But then I didn't have children when I cut previous relationships dead. I also think I ultimately decided I quite liked being alone, and that if that is how it was to be, then fine, fuck it. Better that than spending my life with someone who didn't value me, or even truly see me. I deserve better. I'm sure you deserve better too.

But we're not all the same. Some people would prefer any type of amiable companionship to being alone. For those people it's such a gamble to go in search of more. It's more simple to say all or nothing. And children complicate matters considerably, as you can't just think about you and what you want/need.

Hope you can decide what you want and either act or make peace. It's not easy.

@Fooked before I say anything else I must tell you that you do matter, you matter the most because this is your life.

I** was in what sounds like a very similar relationship, met my ex at university, loved him completely. I moved to where his job and family are and we got married. Two DC later I was so so lonely, we had good times as long as it was what he wanted to do and I accepted it as my lot because we were the "happy family".

Five years ago he left me for a colleague 14 years younger, turns out he does like sex after all. I had stayed and sacrificed my own feelings for nearly 20 years.

It has been hard but my DC and I now have a really good life, on MY terms which is more exhilarating than you can imagine.

I have the respect of my DC, I've had some great dates/short term relationships and im discovering me again. Please don't underestimate how important it is to live for YOU.

And five years ago I would never have taken that advice because I thought every one else's happiness was more important than mine. But it really isn't.

I do wonder if these kinds of relationships are the ones that end with affairs. Suddenly there is the prospect of love and affection and people jump at it.

You have mentioned he's avoidant and from my experience with my exhusband this type of relationship is very very lonely. Mine was a dismissive avoidant so there was a big element of arrogant selfishness and emotional abuse which was the motivating factor for me to get out. It doesn't sound like you have that.

However, avoidants don't or aren't able to express their feelings or give affection and support which leaves their spouses withering from the lack of attention. I suppose some people are okay to seek this from other relationships, I found it soul destroying. The guilt from walking away from a relationship that may look okay from the outside is another factor.

Only you can decide whether this is enough for you. I can honestly say getting out was the best thing I ever did. My partner is securely attached and doesn't hold anything from me emotionally. I feel truly loved and cared about by him. I never had any of that with my exhusband. We lived his life, his way and it was never going to change to the day we died.

Maybe one or both of you did settle, or stay together just because you could. But if neither of you has cheated, and you both want to stay together, you can work at making the relationship feel more than this.

I understand why you feel sad, but I think there's hope yet. If you love each other have kids together, you can find a way to fall in love with each other.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I do wonder if these kinds of relationships are the ones that end with affairs. Suddenly there is the prospect of love and affection and people jump at it.

I'm very sure they are. I couldn't condone it, but I can see how it happens.

An awful lot of men are just looking for a relationship. They see kids, and marriage, as a concession to maintain the relationship but if they were totally honest about it they didn't want any of it. The crazy thing is a lot of woman know this but see it as a result anyway.

remind myself that I don't matter really, not enough to up end everything for my own selfish satisfaction (not sexual, just in life terms)

Do you think your husband feels this way? What do you think he would do if he decided he would be happier elsewhere, either single or in the arms of another woman?

What a sad thread. It's so easy for me to stay 'leave him' but how can you stay with him for the rest of your life (maybe another 40 years+) with somebody you know isn't that fussed about you and probably never had been?

If you did decide to separate, how would it work? Do you have financial independence, would you be the primary carer to your children, would you stay local to where you live now, how much involvement would your DH want with your children, 50/50 or EOW?

OP its not about settling. A marriage goes through so many changes over the years and we change, perhaps come complacent. Your feeling lonely then you need to address that with your dh. All of us are so different. I love my own space and I'm not overly affectionate but dh making me a cup of tea or bringing back my fav bar of chocolate to suprise me - to me are the little things that shows live and affection.

Whether you stay or not, you must prioritise yourself more. Too much sacrifial wifing and parenting going on here. Your kids won't thank you to be used as a reason for you not to get/have got out more with friends/find work you enjoy (why is only dh entitled to that, not you??)/travel to visit family & old friends , either as a family, or solo leaving dh in charge. Why should you not have any of this when your husband does?

My dm sacrificed happiness and a career for us, then became incredibly unhappy when we were teenagers. It damaged my relationship with dm for many years, as I felt implicated in her very distressing 'breakdown', and I was angry with her for not having looked after herself better.

Not trying to say all this would definitely happen to you, but I absolutely stand by my advice not to bury yourself in the 'sacrificial mum' role. It is definitely wrong anyway, and possibly will come back to bite everyone, as well.

Handholds

Unfortunately if the Op's husband is an avoidant type there is little you can do to change the situation. No amount of talking will encourage someone who feels safest with his emotions tucked away. Also the onus is on the unhappy party to do something about it. My exhusband would have stayed in the marriage forever because it suited him. He had the advantages of a wife and family with zero emotional or practical input which was what he was happy with. He could retain total independence and a comfortable homebase at the same time.

@candycane222, my DD came to her own conclusions about my exhusband's emotional unavailability and no longer sees him. She was very angry when we split, blamed me, along with a load of other people who were clueless what was was really going on. But it has come good . Like you say sacrificing yourself for your children is very detrimental to your mental health.

Dacquoise, your dd is probably sharper than I was at the time!

I realised a lot later that my dad was a difficult man to be married to, but unlike OP's somewhat reptilian-sounding husband in that he was definitely engaged and invested, and very upset about the whole mess, too.

But they were both somewhat clueless, it always felt to me. Oh, I was a judgmental teenager alright!

I'm in a similar boat. I don't see any way out. I could never leave. Nor do I feel satisfied. I wonder if lockdown has made our lives smaller and more claustrophobic and whereas before I could have pushed those feelings down, now I can't avoid them. I don't know what the answer is.

I've just read through your posts about him. From the OP to what you've said subsequently. Sorry but I couldn't live like this. You deserve so much more. But how does that work practically? Do you have your own savings & income? How old are your kids? Do you do 'family' type of things? Even like eating together, do you feel like a family?

Hi OP

I think some people can have successful marriages when they are in the same position as you, I think a lot of marriages in the past were like this and there are still arranged marriages where the arrangement works. However I think it works when both parties know what they are signing up to, from the outset, and fulfil their roles in the marriage.
I am not sure that your marriage falls into this bracket, you married your husband because you love him and you thought he loved you and now he doesn't seem to, and doesn't want to do anything to address the issues you face either, and this is understandably making you miserable.
I think both parties could still get along ok if they both had very full and fulfilling lives outside the marriage eg both involved in hobbies, have loads of friends, a career they like etc. But it sounds like you've made all the sacrifices and are not getting anything back in return.

I'm sure you will have some people saying they have a marriage like yours and it turned out fine, and others saying they stayed and regretted it, and others saying they split up and are glad they did. But I'm not sure it will help you that much. As it won't change your situation or make it any happier.

It's one thing being closed with emotions but in my opinion it sounds like there is more than that going on. Saying that he is not going to find new ways of helping you have a fulfilling sex life because he is selfish and is happy with the old one even though it no longer works for you, is a bit more than struggling to open up, in my opinion. Its closing off emotionally but also practically and offering no other form of support. I mean even if people aren't massively in love with whoever they have sex with, if its someone that they care about and are going to see again, most people want their sexual partner to be satisfied and not many people would out and out admit that they couldn't give less of a shit about the other person's pleasure. I may be wrong based on just one example but that sounds like he either doesnt care at all, or there is a massive power imbalance in your relationship and he thinks he can get away with anything and you wont leave.

I also think your marriage is vulnerable to affairs on either side, if someone comes along that either of you can develop real feelings for that are reciprocated.

I also think it will damage your kids to grow up thinking relationships are just two adults who live in the same house and share children where the dad benefits from all the family decisions and the mum is meant to go along with it for the sake of the family and sacrificing their own happiness. If you have any daughters this is what they will end up doing.

I think you are unhappy and it sounds like you are going to struggle to live like this long term. I think in your shoes I would continue to build as much of a life for myself outside the marriage as I could. Make some decisions just for you rather than the good of everyone else. Stop putting him first. Get your finances in order and start building up an escape fund. And get some counselling to try and work out what you want to do. You need to remember that you can't change him. There is nothing you will be able to do to influence him or that will encourage him to be more emotionally available or act like he loves you. You can only change your own behaviour

It depends what you want, as PP have said. Having young kids can be lonely and you sound like you have been through a lot.

I have had passionate, all consuming relationships and found them totally exhausting. The relationship you have with your husband sounds steady and that can be dull. However, the benefit of a relationship like that is that you can think of yourself as your kids get older find passions, hobbies and friendships that fulfil you a bit more. It won't come from him - he is avoidant and self centered/this is the relationship he wants. You can do this married to him or on your own.

For me, I am bothered about having a fulfilling sexual relationship. He sounds a lazy lover so find out what turns you on or works for you now then show him or be self service. Or find somebody higher maintenance, more intense and less selfish.

I would suggest a trial separation. If you can afford it, try renting a second home for a defined period of time and agree to go on a break. Ideally he will be the one to leave but you have to be prepared to take that step. Try to do it in a way that is minimally disruptive to the kids (daddy is very busy and needs some time away or something but obviously with regular contact). Then you can get a taste of single life and it might help you make up your mind if you are happier together or apart.

I'd never tell anyone to have an affair but OP, given that your husband has made it quite clear he has no interest in pleasing you sexually after traumatic birth but expects you to continue to service him, I wouldn't judge you if you did.

No advise. I'm in the same both. So hard to know what to do. Plod along and be miserable, or leave and upset everyone

Maybe he does love you, he just doesn’t tell you in words. You need to talk to him, instead of seething about it. If you are needier than him, ask him to be more supportive and affectionate.
If you ALWAYS knew the relationship was shit, you were selfish to bring children into it.

I feel from what you're saying that you are concentrating on what he may/may not feel more than you are focussing on what you feel and what would make you happy. If you didn't consider him, his feelings and responses, what would you like to do?