Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To not see it as a problem that we don't have much sex?

60 replies

Dumbledork1 · 02/05/2021 20:49

My DP and I have a 2 year old, but honestly I feel like our sex drive massively decreased long before that.

We've been together about 8 years, but I'd say maybe after year 4/5 we stopped having it a few times a week to really only having sex once a month. But, neither of us seem particularly concerned about that... which then leads me to think, should I be concerned that I'm not more concerned?! Shouldn't I want it more? Shouldn't he?

I hear about married couples having sex twice/three times a week on average, and I just can't remember the last time we were like that. We're "intimate" in the sense that we hug and kiss during the day, sort of, and say our legs will be wrapped around at night, but that's about it.

Anyone else have a relationship like this and it not be a problem?

OP posts:

MMMarmite · 02/05/2021 20:52

Just make sure you've had an open discussion rather than assuming what he thinks.

If you're both happy as you are, then no problem! There are plenty of other things in life to enjoy and spend your time on.

birdglasspen · 02/05/2021 21:28

We rarely have sex, it isn't an issue, before kids I had the higher sex drive of us both and sometimes it would annoy me however 2 kids and another on the way has levelled us out to the same needs for now! Do longterm couples really do it 3 times a week?!

It's been 15 years and honestly we've had sex twice in about 2 years and the second time I got pregnant and he won't do it at all during pregnancy and I won't for a (LONG!) while after so not expecting a sharp rise anytime soon! Only you know if you're happy and hopefully you have an idea how he feels? We are both fine with it, still do other things occasionally and we are close in that we talk about everything together and support each other. Sex is just one small element of a relationships/life...plenty other things to do, especially as a mum!

PippinDog · 02/05/2021 21:31

DH and I both have low libidos and it’s not an issue at all for us. I feel more in love than ever after 15 years, we are very affectionate but I just rarely think about sex and he’s always been similar. When we do it it’s great but it’s then forgotten about for a few weeks/months.
With past partners I was always finding excuses, it’s really nice not having that issue now.

eatsleepread · 02/05/2021 21:31

Just don't be surprised when affairs happen!
I think it's incredibly naive to believe that this situation is ok. I don't mean that flippantly at all, but a relationship without sex - or as infrequently as this - is very risky territory indeed.

therocinante · 02/05/2021 21:37

@eatsleepread

Just don't be surprised when affairs happen! I think it's incredibly naive to believe that this situation is ok. I don't mean that flippantly at all, but a relationship without sex - or as infrequently as this - is very risky territory indeed.

What nonsense. It's only risky territory if a) one party isn't happy with it and b) is also a cheat.

OP, as long as you're both happy with the frequency and you still feel connected to each other, I think it's fine. There's no right amount.

GreenClock · 02/05/2021 21:38

If it genuinely suits both of you it’s not a problem.

wizzywig · 02/05/2021 21:41

Agree with @eatsleepread. Please don't assume that because the other person is not making it explicitly clear that they are unhappy with the situation, that they are happy. Keep the communication lines open so that if the other person becomes unhappy and wants to talk, then they can.

FizzyPink · 02/05/2021 21:41

DP and I are both similar. Very low libidos plus we both work long hours. When we do have sex it’s always amazing and we always say we should do this more often but most days we’d rather relax/watch TV/sleep.
I’d guess we have sex once or twice a month on average and we discuss it and it’s not an issue for either of us.

Vallmo47 · 02/05/2021 21:45

As long as you’re both on the same page. :)

steff13 · 02/05/2021 21:52

If you're both fine with it, then it's fine. If one of you isn't, then it's not fine.

Aloethere · 02/05/2021 21:54

I would say actually talk about it and ask him straight if he is fine with it rather than presuming that he is. I wouldn't be happy with that little sex but if you both are then that is all that matters.

SomewhereInAnotherLife · 02/05/2021 21:54

If it suits both of you then it’s fine.

But I think you need to have a frank discussion to ensure you are both on the same page. You cannot just assume he feels the same as you.

ShoppingPrecinctPrincess · 02/05/2021 21:57

If you're both happy it's of course fine and shouldn't feel pressure to keep up with other couples! Having said that I agree with others it's a good idea to talk about and make sure you're both satisfied with the situation. People really do not talk to their partners enough about their sex life.

hellywelly3 · 02/05/2021 22:00

You need to be 100% sure it suits both of you. Just because he’s not said anything doesn’t mean he’s happy. Do you still fancy him? I’ve been with my husband 20 years and I still fancy him.

Oneeyeopen · 02/05/2021 22:01

I agree about communicating with dh. Be sure you’re both happy with the situation.
I think it’s important to express intimacy even when you’re not having regular sex. So letting your dh know that you think he is desirable is very important imo. We all need to feel wanted by our partners.

HenryHooverIII · 02/05/2021 22:02

If you both like it, it is fine. If one or both of you is unhappy with it, then it's not fine.

Realistically, in a long term relationship there are dry spells over time.

Queenoftheashes · 02/05/2021 22:05

Had sex four times last year. Not yet this year - it’s been eight months. No kids either. Both perfectly happy, affectionate etc but just can’t be arsed.

Janaih · 02/05/2021 22:07

One might not realise they are not ok with it until they are offered the chance of some elsewhere. That's the risk you're taking here.
Maintenance sex isn't an attractive term but it's accurate.

Mylittlepony374 · 02/05/2021 22:12

If you're both happy with that it's fine. I would think it unusual though, that both of you go from frequent to very infrequent sex and both of you are happy with that.
birdglasspen yes, 12 years with my husband, sex still probably average 3 X week. Some weeks none. Some weeks every day, twice a day.

ShoppingPrecinctPrincess · 02/05/2021 22:13

My worry would be that of you go really long stretches without having sex, do you not end up seeing your partner in a non-sexual way, to the point that the idea of having sex with them feels a bit awkward?

Solina · 02/05/2021 22:14

Similar here, just doesn't happen often and it doesn't bother us. It is always good and we also say should do it more often but life just happens and you then realise it has been a month or two again.
To those saying about affairs, in our relationship it is usually initiated by me anyways so if I didn't it would probably be even longer in between. Not all men want sex all the time.

GreenSlide · 02/05/2021 22:17

@eatsleepread

Just don't be surprised when affairs happen! I think it's incredibly naive to believe that this situation is ok. I don't mean that flippantly at all, but a relationship without sex - or as infrequently as this - is very risky territory indeed.

You think once a month is that infrequent? Do you have children?

NailsNeedDoing · 02/05/2021 22:21

As long as you’re sure that you’re both ok with it, then it’s fine.

DeadlyMedally · 02/05/2021 22:30

But, neither of us seem particularly concerned about that

It doesn't concern you, but maybe you should make sure it doesn't concern him.
It's worth talking about. Even if he's genuinely happy bit having sex, would you be ok if it was because he was happily wanking 5 nights a week?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2021 22:38

You need to make sure he feels the same. By talking openly and listening properly. As a lot of people have said.

Why do you find it hard to believe that married couples with children do it more frequently? It’s about priorities. If sex is important to both people you make time for it. If it’s not, you don’t. It’s very important to us and I’d be really unhappy with once a month. I wouldn’t consider that to be much of a sex life and would assume something was wrong between us. But thankfully we’re all different so as long as you’re both genuinely happy and you can maintain intimacy and romance without shagging more often then carry on as you are.

Flip

1 2 3