To not see it as a problem that we don't have much sex?

[Dumbledork1]

My DP and I have a 2 year old, but honestly I feel like our sex drive massively decreased long before that.

We've been together about 8 years, but I'd say maybe after year 4/5 we stopped having it a few times a week to really only having sex once a month. But, neither of us seem particularly concerned about that... which then leads me to think, should I be concerned that I'm not more concerned?! Shouldn't I want it more? Shouldn't he?

I hear about married couples having sex twice/three times a week on average, and I just can't remember the last time we were like that. We're "intimate" in the sense that we hug and kiss during the day, sort of, and say our legs will be wrapped around at night, but that's about it.

Anyone else have a relationship like this and it not be a problem?

Why is sex so important..I just dont get it ,isn't there more important things, like respect having a laugh a big hug ,talking, just being there for each other.

You can have all those things and sex; they're not mutually exclusive. You don't have to get why it's important - if it's not important to you and your partner, that's ok. It is important to some people.

It would be a problem for me honestly. I would hate to see my relationship go this way and I pray it never does! Thankfully we still fancy the pants of each other after 12 years!

Hadn't read through all the comments when I posted my last comment. Wow, can honestly say I'm very surprised at the majority of comments. One person actually asked in a really skeptical way if once a month was actually that infrequent. I feel quite lucky now.

I find the idea of a sexless relationship unnatural, I have always thought sex was a physical and psychological necessity,

When single I've sometimes gone years without sex. It can be frustrating at times but it isn't a necessity to have it. And besides, the OP's relationship isn't sexless, the sex just isn't that frequent by some people's definition.

OP I think instead of talking to him about why you're not having sex that much, ask him an open question about how he feels about your sex life. I know that with my partner we would have sex more often if we lived together, so had more opportunities, and if his young teenage daughter weren't living at his and wasn't such a blinking insomniac. So he's happy with how things are given the circumstances. We definitely prioritise quality over quantity (though those things are not exclusive). But I can see a time when we'll have sex more frequently than we do now, because we'll have more opportunity.

It may just be that your DH is too tired and too stressed at the moment. Contrary to popular belief, men's desire does wax and wane. They're not continually up for it, or governed by their dicks.

If you are both on the same page it doesn’t matter if it’s once a day or once a year.

@puddled2

Why is sex so important..I just dont get it ,isn't there more important things, like respect having a laugh a big hug ,talking, just being there for each other

For me personally, it's important I have all those things as well as sex. Most people have a sex drive and are with or want to be with a person they desire and sex gives that satisfaction. I think this approach is only ok if both partners are 100% happy with it and no one has any underlying issues as a result.

For some people sex is a really big deal and for some people it's not. Communication is far more important IMO.

If works for you - great. Won’t work for me and if my partner was happy with it being that infrequent then I would have to leave him.

if my partner was happy with it being that infrequent then I would have to leave him.

There can be quite a wide range that you're happy with though. So long as I'm getting plenty of physical affection, I'm happy with sex once a month. I'd also be happy with it several times a week. It's not really that fixed, for me anyway.

I think it's very difficult to get an accurate depiction of what's "normal" or "average" in a long term relationship on threads like this. People who are still swinging from the chandeliers after 20 years of marriage will obviously be very keen to post. But all the "be careful or your DH will leave you for another woman" and "only once a month?? There's no way I'd put up with that" type responses guarantee that a lot of people who have a similar set-up to the OP will be reluctant to comment.