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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not see it as a problem that we don't have much sex?

60 replies

Dumbledork1 · 02/05/2021 20:49

My DP and I have a 2 year old, but honestly I feel like our sex drive massively decreased long before that.

We've been together about 8 years, but I'd say maybe after year 4/5 we stopped having it a few times a week to really only having sex once a month. But, neither of us seem particularly concerned about that... which then leads me to think, should I be concerned that I'm not more concerned?! Shouldn't I want it more? Shouldn't he?

I hear about married couples having sex twice/three times a week on average, and I just can't remember the last time we were like that. We're "intimate" in the sense that we hug and kiss during the day, sort of, and say our legs will be wrapped around at night, but that's about it.

Anyone else have a relationship like this and it not be a problem?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2021 22:38

You think once a month is that infrequent? Do you have children?

In my case, yes, and yes.

BertramLacey · 02/05/2021 22:39

Just don't be surprised when affairs happen!
I think it's incredibly naive to believe that this situation is ok. I don't mean that flippantly at all, but a relationship without sex - or as infrequently as this - is very risky territory indeed.

Don't be bloody daft. People vary hugely in how much they want sex. OH and I are very affectionate with each other. We also have sex about once a month, like the OP. For us it's normal. We talk to each other about it, we're both happy. I cannot for the life of me think of having an affair. I have a higher sex drive than him and I'm happy with him. There is no way on earth I would risk everything I have with him for a quick fuck with some idiot.

Tarzaan · 02/05/2021 22:39

I think once a month is definitely infrequent but if both parties are genuinely happy hopefully it won't be an issue.

I've been married 25 years and we do have sex 3 times a week, we both enjoy it and I think it keeps us close.

A close friend used to tell me her and her husband rarely had sex, both didn't care etc. He left her last year for a younger woman and broke her heart by telling her they had sex all the time. He is just a cunt but she honestly didn't see it coming at all.

Susie477 · 02/05/2021 22:41

If both of you are genuinely happy with this situation, that’s fine.

In my experience, however, very few fit, healthy married /partnered men under 50 would be happy with having sex as infrequently as once a month. I think you need to have an open and honest discussion to find out if both of you are really on the same page about this. And don’t be surprised if he isn’t happy.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 02/05/2021 22:41

If you’re both completely happy with this then don’t fret about it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2021 22:44

If you do it once a month, do you plan it in advance? What makes that one night or day conducive to it?

JeanneDoe · 02/05/2021 22:45

Most people I know that are honest about these things aren't having much sex. 10+ years later, with kids, mortgages and general fatigue, think most of my friends would rather read a good book.

OhWhyNot · 02/05/2021 22:50

I think if you are both happy then there isn’t a problem

People will cheat regardless of having a good sex life at home if they really want to, it doesn’t stop people cheating it’s the excitement of someone new that they are attracted to and that they are willing to cheat for some extra excitement

Of course men will often claim its lack of sex

Holothane · 02/05/2021 22:58

Health issues but to be honest though we’re close the sex has never been high on his list meds and stuff today we love each other but for me the sex side has died I get my fun by fantasy an affair no way.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2021 22:58

Of course men will often claim its lack of sex

Plenty of women on here have done the same.

OhWhyNot · 02/05/2021 23:01

What claimed they have had affairs because of lack of sex at home

I’ve not seen many women claim that on here

I think it’s an excuse

Tarzaan · 02/05/2021 23:04

@JeanneDoe

Most people I know that are honest about these things aren't having much sex. 10+ years later, with kids, mortgages and general fatigue, think most of my friends would rather read a good book.

I really disagree with this, not my experience at all.

Thomasina2021 · 02/05/2021 23:04

@AnneLovesGilbert

You think once a month is that infrequent? Do you have children?

In my case, yes, and yes.

Same here - yes and yes

Once a month - the passion has definitely gone surely!

carlycornwall · 02/05/2021 23:09

It's clearly totally fine if that's what both partners want but it seems really early to me to just give up on that side of your relationship.

I would really miss that level of intimacy if I lost it now. I wonder how many people go through this phase when they have small kids/busy jobs and revive it later on in life.

Disneyblue · 02/05/2021 23:15

I often wonder, out of all married couples, what the actual sex 'rate' is per month or whatever. After all, not many couples would freely speak about it, especially if it doesn't happen too often.
What's normal is what's normal for you. I don't think anyone can come on here and say 'that's abnormal' or 'he might cheat with that amount of sex'. How on earth can any of you lot be the judge of that?
People cheat for lots of reasons. Sex can be one of them, but what's 'enough' sex for one person is completely different for another.

Anothernick · 02/05/2021 23:16

We've been together 30 years, still DTD at least once a week. I find the idea of a sexless relationship unnatural, I have always thought sex was a physical and psychological necessity, but if both sides are genuinely unfussed by the situation then it's all good. Though it seems to me you are missing out on the most pleasureable activity life has to offer!

EmeraldShamrock · 02/05/2021 23:21

As long as you're both happy it isn't a problem.
I'd like to do it more often our DC are little shits who don't sleep well and we're usually exhausted.

Original poster

Dumbledork1 · 03/05/2021 00:04

Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate it. Majority of you are saying I need to have that honest conversation with him and you are 100% right. I have brought it up in the past (never when arguing or used as an attack), but probably not in a particularly tactful way! I've joked before and said "hey it's been 4 weeks and we haven't had sex, where's my love", but his reaction has kind of been a bit "why are you saying that, don't make it a thing, if you make it a thing it's hard for men to then not focus on that."

So basically, I think he just works long hours like I do and feels exhausted by the end of the night and doesn't really fancy having sex all that often. And if I challenge him, he'll almost feel emasculated over it. I am of course just assuming, and will try and find a way to bring this up with him as you've all suggested!

The other problem though is, I think I'm happy, becuase I've never had a particular high libido, our lives are great and I do love him, but sometimes I do find myself day-dreaming about a work crush. I would never ever cheat, haven't even remotely flirted with this person, but it makes me wonder if I actually need to be more honest with myself and address the fact I do have needs!

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 03/05/2021 00:16

Instead of discussing it and creating an awkward set up, why not try some sexy things to entice him and heat it up, take him by surprise.
We mainly have prearranged sex around the DC although I enjoy it, it does take the surprise out of it.

Holothane · 03/05/2021 00:19

You certainly do OP, hugs I’m lucky I’m older 54 now so crushes and fantasies and masterbation keep me going but that’s not for everyone. Society doesn’t help it’s everywhere. Everyone’s getting more of this of that, no it doesn’t help life is hard enough as it is without this. I’ll probably be called out I’m not good at saying this sort of thing but glad I’m not young any more. I hope you find a way forward.

ChristmasAlone · 03/05/2021 00:29

We are usually once mid week in the evening and then morning time on a weekend, 8 years in. Used to be daily, sometimes a couple of times a day. We've on occasion gone a couple of weeks with nothing. I've found it's been far more enjoyable when we've gone a bit between times.

puddled2 · 03/05/2021 00:36

Why is sex so important..I just dont get it ,isn't there more important things, like respect having a laugh a big hug ,talking, just being there for each other

StardewMelons · 03/05/2021 00:53

Every time I have heard a friend go through a spell off sex being rare/monthly or less. The guy Fks off with someone else. Yes people I know with kids, or married etc. Ive also known people to sleep with married men who have no sex life on a regular basis. So I would make sure you DH is on the same page and not acting about it.

Tequilamakesmehappy · 03/05/2021 01:31

Sex comes and goes in a relationship, yes you will have those that proclaim they have an active sex life even after years together and that is great for them! But not everyone is having sex everyday or 5 times a week. From personal experience (together 9 years with my husband) we can go a while without sex for various reasons ( up to a month or so) and then we have loads within a short period of time. The main thing is that you still both show each other affection and you are still content within your relationship. If you are thinking about the lack of sex? It is a possibility that he is also. Talk to him about it, communication with each other about what you are thinking or feeling in regards to the other is so important.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2021 08:02

@puddled2

Why is sex so important..I just dont get it ,isn't there more important things, like respect having a laugh a big hug ,talking, just being there for each other

That’s fine as long as you have a partner who feels the same. A decent sex life doesn’t mean people respect, hug, talk to or hug each other less. Is that what you’re suggesting? For many couples, sex is the part of their relationship which separates it from other relationships. I respect, talk to, hug and am there for many people dear to me including my parents, my siblings and my friends. My husband is the only person I have sex with. So no the other things aren’t more important, it’s an equal part of the many things that keep us together and the one things that defines our marriage as different to a friendship.

Do whatever suits you and whomever you’re with but there’s no need to make other people sound odd for thinking sex is important just because you don’t understand it.

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