If you have children and you and your partner/spouse both work full time, who does household and children related stuff?

[merrynelly]

I'm talking cooking, cleaning, house admin, looking after the children, child related admin such as appointments, buying clothes etc? I'm just wondering how much of this falls on women even though you both work full time, and how many people genuinely have equality in their households?

One thing that often seems to fall disproportionately, even where everything else is shared, is the "mental load" of keeping track of things that need to be done, booking appointments, filling in forms, etc. I suspect it's inevitable to a certain extent, because it avoids things being missed because each assumed the other would do it.

If one of you goes away for a week, how long is the list of instructions? DH would have been doing the ferrying anyway, but I still needed to write down the times and places if I wasn't going to be there to remind him. (I was delighted the first time I went away for a weekend without leaving any written instructions - I knew DD knew what time she had to be where, so she could organise him.)

Cleaning often falls disproportionately because one person is far more bothered than the other. I do cleaning (probably not often enough) because it wouldn't happen otherwise. DH does cooking because he enjoys it, and I do clearing up the kitchen afterwards because I'd rather do that than cook.

pressed post too soon. So our division of labor

DH - most pickups and drops off ( I might do one/two a week), 75% of the cleaning, deals with grandparents on both sides, most adult life admin (we jointly think about holidays) and all washing, 50% cooking

Me - 50% cleaning (but I can be pretty rubbish about this - need a cleaner), 50% cleaning, all DCs social engagements (exc grandparents), the mental load of dealing with nurseries/schools - inc. homework, DC life admin related - clothes, books, bikes, hobbies (DH will take them but I need to find them etc), DC still often seek me out the most so I do a lot of the emotional load ...mummy play with me, look at this etc etc.

We both work FT - and this split works, the only problem is a lack of couple time. Essentially - he does the chores/life admin/house and I do a lot of the kids. Not idea whether it's fair but in some ways he certainly does more than I do

DH does more than me at the moment because he's working from home and I'm not. He's doing 2 school runs a day plus staying on top of the washing. He does most of the cooking and I do most of the cleaning.

My DH, who really is lovely, thinks he does 50%.

I mean; he does a fair bit but I do all the deep cleaning, decluttering, admin, shopping. 90% of the cooking, definitely all of the thinking and planning. He washes up and hoovers.

@ConnieCaterpillar70

I've never met anyone with a partner who contributes 50/50. These men are mythical creatures that only exist on MN.

Most women I know are bitter with resentment about carrying the mental load. Including myself.

There seem to be more people on MN over-protective over everything than in real life around me. On MN, if things are not done THEIR way, they complain and add it to their "mental load".

In real life, people respect their partners more. Makes life easier too.

On MN, if a man dares being too involved, he's "controlling" maybe "abusive". However a woman who insist that everything has to be done HER way is a poor little female.

Both full time. Both work condensed 4 day week.

Cooking & cleaning is my husband's domain. Admin and laundry is my domain. We both pitch in with dishes, general tidying as needed.

It's probably more 60/40 with me doing more because I cover all appointments and "thinkwork" for the children but it works well for us and neither of us would tolerate the other not pulling their weight unless unwell.

Our basic aim is that we both get similar downtime which works well as a yardstick for how everything is shared fairly.

I'd say DH does has much as he can, and we're not far off an equal split.

I do child admin, cooking, clothes washing and food shop.

DH does the house/financial admin, gardening, car admin and after dinner tidying. He'll also help, when asked, with things like folding the washing or changing the bed.

We split bedtimes, early wake ups, and childcare equally on the weekends.

We then have a cleaner.

Only thing I'd say which is really unequal is pre/post work 'commute time'. We both have to get up at 6.30am, but he gets up, showers, gets dressed then has breakfast and leaves to get on a train to get to work (then sits watching Netflix on the train for an hour). While I get up, get both myself and DD ready, do breakfasts, tidy up from breakfast, drop DD off, and then rush back home to work (wfh). Same in the evening, he sits on the train while I do pick up, dinner, and bedtime.

When the boys were small DH did all the ferrying around to sports, bath time/bedtime, all the cooking, car/garden stuff and I did everything else because that's what worked for us. But we had a cleaner so general tidying was all that was needed.

Now, he's retired and the boys are at uni I do all the planning and 'mental stuff' and he does everything physical as I'm unable to do so.

It doesn't really matter if it's 50/50 or not, just that everyone pulls their weight in the way that it works for your family and that everyone is happy with the division.

Both of us. I do a lot more of the house admin but he does a lot more cleaning than me.

I do more. I think 80/20 to be honest. I work more than he does too. To be honest, I've seen over lockdown that does very little unless he has to. He does the hoovering, beds and rubbish - and sticks religiously to these. He doesn't even engage with the kids unless I'm physically not there. All very depressing, contemplating the future carefully right now. I keep thinking back to when I met him and his place was a complete and utter tip....you couldn't say I wasn't warned.

We both work ft. He does very early mornings m-f and I work shifts usually in the afternoon /evenings.
We don't keep a rigid division of chores, except that when I'm home I will cook (just because I like it) he does cook when I'm at work at dinner time. We usually clean together, no as often as we should Tbh.
I work in a supermarket so I do the food shopping (before we would go together once a week or shop online). He maintains the cars as he is a mechanic.
We do bath time with the little one one day each, as I tend to work late he does the main part of them.
I will get more free days without kid as he only have days off when the toddler doesn't have nursery, and I send her every day even if I'm off.
He does his laundry, I do mine, however sees the little one's basket full does that.
So I guess we are pretty much 50/50
What people means by house admin?
All our bills are automated

I work 40 hours, partner 33 hours. I am currently on maternity leave but this is our usual set up :

Cooking - I probably do about 25%. He does the more elaborate cooking, whereas I am usually the one who has to do the rushed meals because he is too slow. I resent this.
Grocery shopping, meal planning - I don't do any of this. I will write items on the shopping list when I've taken the last one, but that's it.
House admin - I do about 10%.
Child admin, trips to the GP, clothes - I do 100%
Car related stuff (petrol, MOT, tyre change every 6 months, cleaning) - he does 100%
Cleaning - we have a cleaner who comes once a fortnight. I clean occasionally in between. He will hoover a couple of times in between and tidy before the cleaner comes.
Childcare - 50-50
It's not equal because he works 7 hours a week less than me, but doesn't do 7 hours more housework. But it works quite well because I have delegated a significant part of the mental load. He never needs reminding to do the jobs he's responsible for.

We both work FT, currently from home.

Cooking: both
Tidying: both
Cleaning: both, but neither of us are hugely fussed about the house being spotless. He tends to do vacuuming while if dusting gets done it's usually me who does it
Laundry/ironing: usually me
Food shopping: usually me but I often do it while he picks up the DCs from childcare
DH has tended to ferry DCs to activities that need a car as I don't drive
Gardening: DH
Household admin: both, although I think DH does a bit more as he manages all the utility bills etc. and usually deals with tradesmen
Child-related admin: mostly me although there isn't a lot tbh
Dealing with school: both of us

I feel like it is fairly well balanced. There are a few things that DH isn't the biggest fan of due to his ASD - kids' parties, supermarket shopping unless it's a quiet period but overall we both do most things.

We both share it equally but in differently ways although I do nearly all of the mental load.

Dh would say we have a 50/50 split. However. It’s more like 90/10 me/him.

I do nursery runs in the morning and pick ups. I sort nursery bags. I make sure laundry is done and put away (mine kids and house things only). I make sure kids have clothes that fit. And shoes. I do appointments. I essentially do everything. Dh claims he does and that I sit on my phone ignoring them children.

We both work FT and things are 50/50. I tend to do the admin, insurance renewals, switching utilities, paying credit card/nursery etc but he does all the cooking, meal planning, online shopping.
Everything else just gets done when it needs it by whoever can do it at the time, we aren’t prescriptive.

We both work fulltime. We share the cooking and clearing up. I do the main food shop and he does butcher and top up shops. We alternate drop off and pickup from minders. We alternate taking them to activities.

He does all admin and garage etc related to both cars. He does outdoor, garden, painting, diy (planning, buying and doing the jobs). I help with painting sometimes. He pays bills, tv, rubbish collection, internet and shops for a good price. He may plan a daytrip locally to see an open farm.

I do all dc related clothes and schoolbook buying, haircuts etc. I do most cleaning, deep cleaning, decluttering, baking. I do most dcs appointments. He will take them if I can't get time off work. I do health insurance annually. I plan and book hols, usually annual trip abroad.

Even though I do nearly all dc mental load, I don't have the mental load of service providers, bill paying, cars etc. If he did more and if I had to think of it and instruct him, it would be very difficult.

We each do our own investment planning, diff attitudes to risk.

For anyone struggling under mental load, you should give dh a complete job eg. insuring cars and shopping for good quotes, or organising utility providers and paying the bills for these.

@AnneElliott

I do pretty much everything and always have done. H thinks he does 50/50 but is completely deluding himself.

This is the same for me

Recently gone back to fulltime. Dh and I do equal pick up and drop offs. Food prep for family we do at weekends.
Packed lunches and keeping track of pe/forest school kits etc all me. The house admin is me, I'm the natural organiser and literally have to say put the washing on today etc. We have a cleaner- condition of me going fulltime! We do online shopping- mainly me.

Dh is good if he's given tasks to do. He tends to think in straight lines, so this works for him. My brain resembles one of those diagrams of a spinning solar system, so I am the one to do all the organising and thinking not only ahead, but of all possible issues.