If you have children and you and your partner/spouse both work full time, who does household and children related stuff?

[merrynelly]

I'm talking cooking, cleaning, house admin, looking after the children, child related admin such as appointments, buying clothes etc? I'm just wondering how much of this falls on women even though you both work full time, and how many people genuinely have equality in their households?

We split it by things we like/are good at, and have a cleaner/housekeeper for everything else

The bulk falls on me day to day, but because it’s things I like to do, I don’t mind

So I do all the shopping and clothes shopping, house admin (insurance, bills, banking), remembering birthdays for both sides of the family, etc
But I don’t mind it. I genuinely enjoy choosing an appropriate card and present, I get enormous satisfaction from clearing all the bills

DH does the bulk of the cooking because he really enjoys it and finds it a good way to de-stress
He also does all the DIY and odd jobs when they arise because he enjoys it

It’s not 50:50, but it works well for us and no one has any grudge-cleaning

Until recently I was working full time and DH wasn't working so he did pretty much all of the household stuff - shopping, cooking, laundry, school runs etc. We have a cleaner so that's covered. Now DH is also working full time and tbh he still does most of the household stuff. I'm trying to take on more but it's harder than I thought it would be (he likes things doing a certain way) and he seems OK with how things are. We've spoken about it several times and I'm doing half of the drop offs and more of the cooking but he still does all the washing and ironing.

We're fifty fifty

My partner works away Monday to Friday. We both work full time. Obviously during the week I do all childcare, cooking and housework. Weekends we split it. And split lie ins. During holidays we tend to stay at partners home from home and then me during the day and both evenings

I do pretty much everything and always have done. H thinks he does 50/50 but is completely deluding himself.

I work 4 days and DH works full time, including some weekends.

I do generally 80% of the cooking but I do enjoy it, we share the bath time bed time dramatics with 2 children! He spends a few hours at the weekend deep cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the bedrooms and hoovering upstairs plus the stairs. I generally look after downstairs and the washing / putting away.

It’s split but not equally; I tend to do more day to day and often he just doesn’t see stuff that needs doing!

@Norked

My OH has a much lower standard of cleanliness than I do so it mostly falls to me - I get pissed off sooner. And he stays out of kids school/extra curricular organisation as well. I also do all the laundry.

How do you find time for yourself in amongst all this?

We split it.

We’re both women. I am always fascinated by the discrepancies I see in (some/many) m/f relationships. It wouldn’t occur to either of us that one should do more with our son/take on more of the household tasks.

We both work full time, same hours, same job.

I do absolutely everything 100% of the time except for DIY and garage related jobs, those appear to be acceptable jobs for him to do, but god do I hear about it. He will occasionally cook the dinner.

I have now employed a cleaner because there was literally not enough hours in the day.

It was absolutely not my intention when I imagined what life with a small child would be, but he doesn't do it so I have to.

We do 50/50 ish, but it's clearly divided. I don't micro-manage his area, he doesn't micro-manage mine. We obviously do speak and help each other out though!

I do everything school - admin, events
He's in charge of clubs. He books, pays, buy kits, is on top of competitions etc. I don't put my nose in it.

We still speak and arrange pick-up and attendance together obviously.

And everything is like that.

Sounds like a lot of posters on MN are unable to let go of anything, and need to feel they are in charge and just want to delegate from time to time to their husband. That wouldn't work for me.

Well my dad did 50.50 once my mum went to college and then had a full time job.

So I suppose I wouldn't have settled for a man who wasn't the same in that respect.

I know a few women married to similar, but unfortunately I know more friends and definitely more acquaintances that just can't comprehend that a man can do so much, and I get lots of comments along the lines of "wow you got him well trained" or "wow where did you find him?" or "you're SO lucky"

pretty sad really.

I’m just about to return to work after mat leave (on tuesday :() but I do the online food shopping, order the kids’ clothes, all child related admin (vaccinations etc) and find/ manage our cleaner and other tradespeople (we’ve had quite a few....). I also run a busy online business from home (whilst on mat leave and when working FT).

DH has done all of the DIY during our ongoing house renovation and will occasionally iron. He does all of the cooking. I feel like we have a pretty even split but I feel totally overwhelmed at the moment. In fact I realised today I have all the classic signs of burnout.

We both work PT, my OH one more day per week than me. We split it pretty equally but each have our own set of life admin (me the kids stuff, him the house and car stuff).

I do:
Washing
Bathroom
Emotional welfare of kids
Booking childcare/ sourcing babysitters
Bdays/Xmas
Organising of all social lives
Buying kid clothes
Organising holidays
Organising house move
General management
Longer hours at work

He does:
Cooking
Ironing
Washing up
Kitchen
Hoovering downstairs
Grass mowing

Kids:
Put washing on line
Make own beds
Tidy rooms
Feed cats
Make own lunch at weekends

Dh is good at having set tasks to do. He cleans, but if it needs special cleaning, I need to get involved. He is not good at being available to the kids.

@dopeyduck

We both work full time, same hours, same job.

I do absolutely everything 100% of the time except for DIY and garage related jobs, those appear to be acceptable jobs for him to do, but god do I hear about it. He will occasionally cook the dinner.

I have now employed a cleaner because there was literally not enough hours in the day.

It was absolutely not my intention when I imagined what life with a small child would be, but he doesn't do it so I have to.

Are you at peace with this setup, and do you get time to yourself? I know exactly what you mean about it not being your intention

Probably on balance I do a bit more, but it's hard to say. I do the cooking and most of the laundry, food shopping (but it's all online), we share the school run and kids activities. I tend to attend stuff like parents evenings and sports days. He probably does more life admin than me, but it's minimal anyway (once you've got your direct debits set up, what is there to admin, 2 dentist appointments a year?).
The cleaner does the cleaning and we both chip in in between - we don't really keep a tally. He does all the DIY and I do all the gardening. We each take care of our own stuff (eg car maintenance, family presents and such, investments ).

I take the kids out more, he spends more time with them at home.

I've never met anyone with a partner who contributes 50/50. These men are mythical creatures that only exist on MN.

Most women I know are bitter with resentment about carrying the mental load. Including myself.

Overall I’d say we split the load evenly but he does much more of the day to day stuff such as loading the dishwasher, taking out bins and mowing the lawns. I do almost everything that requires any thinking - planning (holidays, annual leave, childcare), children’s and adults wardrobes, hospital appointments, finances, mortgage etc. I have a sneaky suspicion that DH takes on jobs that don’t require any mental load - he likes things he can do while listening to the football on the radio . But because he does do so much I feel IABU by asking him to do more. In fact I would like it if we could swap some tasks and I could take on some more mundane things and he could take on some of the stuff that takes up so much bloody headspace!

My partner absolutely does 50/50....in fact if I have to be honest he does more than I do. I don't think such people are unicorns. However, he is a people pleaser so I often have to tell him to stop. He also looked after our kids on his own when the youngest was five months old because I took a new job abroad and was away for half the week (thankfully we all moved to the UK now so that's not an issue but I've never yet looked after DCs while DH was away for work).

He also did just as much as me or even more before kids and I would absolutely not have had a kid with him if he didnt. It might be helpful that we are both in the same field and earn roughly the same amount so there really isnt a huge difference between mummy and daddy in that sense.

Dh and I both with FT, but I wfh 3 days a week and he starts early so I do all child related stuff, apart from a Friday when he picks dc up half day from school. I do all the mental load stuff in terms of dc and dog. I do all the cooking and shopping. Dh does majority of daily cleaning and all deeper clean stuff (steam cleaning floors every week, cleaning all the windows etc) and is very good at diy/ garden stuff so spends at least 5 hours of a weekend doing those jobs. I would say it's 50:50 here. I actually have to encourage him to go and chill. I pretty much married a man like my dad. He's also very hands on and good at doing jobs. I wouldn't have married a man who was not willing to do do these things. My dh owned his own house before we met and I he's always been house proud so I knew he was a keeper!

@ConnieCaterpillar70 I think lots of men who do overall 50/50 split are like my DH and women still end up with the mental load. Despite knowing lots of middle class men who are very #equality and -#feminism I literally only know one man who I think would be the person in their household to fill in and send back the consent forms for a school trip. That sort of shit is always done by women.

DH does the majority of the housework. I do all the cooking and ironing. I also do the shopping and all house/school/life admin (hate that term but does sum it up) I work longer hours. So it's relatively even. Works for us.

I'm surprised by the amount of 50/50 comments as irl I don't know anyone who splits housework equally. I know I sahd who does most of the weekday housework but is careful to ensure he has time at the weekend.

Otherwise, the women by far take on the mental load, childcare and housework, despite working and starting off as fairly equal relationships. The dynamic seems to shift when children arrive.

Many will not be open about this in a group though. There is a lot of bubbling resentment amongst some women I know about 'doing it all'

My partner is modern by many standards but no way is the split equal - despite me signing him up for the school emails etc. He will mention once the date has passed that he thought he saw something on the email that needed looking at etc.

I've always worked full time and done all the childcare and everything else.
Both my husbands have been very casual about working and doing anything else and constantly moaned about not enough sex.
I made it clear right before we got married it would only work with a 50/50 split so it should have come as no surprise to them when I divorced both the lazy bastards.
I want to see evidence of some domestic skills before I'll ever live with anyone again and marriage is right out.

He does appointments and a fair amount of daily grind. He is supposed to do the laundry but takes for fucking ever. I do meal planning and shopping. There isnt much admin but I do kids admin and he does household/tradesman. I plan days out. I buy clothes for dc.