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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For wanting to send my 2.5 yr old to nursery

66 replies

yogibear0 · 02/05/2021 10:37

I have two toddler boys 2.5 & 3.5
In sept my oldest boy begins nursery and the same place offers a pre pre-school for 2.5 yr olds. My youngest son may be on the spectrum im currently waiting for him to be assessed at the end of the yr, my partner says there's nothing wrong with him bit that's a whole other story.
I was hoping to send my youngest boy to the pre pre-school for 2 days a week. My oldest boy will go to school 9-12 then my youngest from 12-3. I think it would be really good for my younger son so I can see how he will cope at school and if that school is right for his needs. Thanks to covid he hasn't got to socialise etc and I think this would be a fantastic opportunity for him. Not only that I've massively struggled having 2 kids with only a yr between them. I'm finding it hard to cope on days because I'm unable to give each of them 1-1 time and they fight constantly over my attention. I thought this way they will both be able to get 1-1 with their mum who will also be less stressed because let's face it 1 is easier to give your full attention to. Ive been very depressed since having my youngest son as its just been very difficult and so has my relationship. It's very controlling in every way. And my youngest son I hate to say can be very challenging thanks to autism. It's not his fault at all but he can be hard work and I'm struggling.

So I brought it to the attention of my partner last night, thinking it was a fantastic idea as they both get 1-1 with me and the added bonus of playschool to play and make friends and that I think it would help me so I don't feel so guilty all the time and I think I'd cope much better. Also I'm only wanting to send him 2 days rather than the whole week.

My partner just went nuts at me. He was disgusted with me and basically told me I'm just wanting rid of my youngest son because I can't cope, that my reasons for sending him to the pre pre-school is just a bluff and my job is basically to be at home with them 24/7

I'm just distraught over it all... I honestly thought it would be good for him. And yes good for me too as I am struggling. I've no other help. I basically am a single mother doing everything anyway as he works 8-6 but even when he's here he may as well not be. So having my youngest I pre pre-school for 3 hrs two days a week would give me some support. I feel incredibly guilty that both my boys can't get important 1-1 with me. The whole pre pre-school thing will help that and maybe take away my guilt as I have time for each of them individually. My husband is just not understanding this and adamant that I'm a bad mother for coming up with this idea.

AIBU?

OP posts:
hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 02/05/2021 10:51

YANBU at all! It sounds as though you could really do with a break, and that pre school would be good for your little boy. The only reasonable explanation I can thing of, is is it a money thing? I can’t remember the rules on free hours for 2 year olds, but maybe your partner is worried about money? However, you’ve said the relationship is controlling in other ways, that’s not good at all.

Did you work before kids? Do you have plans to go back? I’m worried for you that your partner seems to think you should only be looking after your kids and wanting any kind of break/career is not going to be ‘allowed’.

Allwokedup · 02/05/2021 11:10

Your partner” (he’s not much of a team mate is he?) is a cunt. Yanbu it would be good for everyone.

LIZS · 02/05/2021 11:14

Really don't see his issue. Maybe present it so that ds1 gets one to one time in the year before school. You still are a ft mum.

pitterpatterrain · 02/05/2021 11:18

YANBU

Similar to a PP I am concerned what this means for you. What happens financially if you need to split up? What about in the long run - any savings? pension?

Not sure how it makes you a bad mother: that’s just crap.

MiaowMiaow99 · 02/05/2021 11:18

It's 6 hours out of 168 hours in a week.
The idea is great, regardless off any autism!

sumpplneedshaking · 02/05/2021 11:20

If you can afford it definitely do it! It would benefit you and your children. Tell your partner it's happening and if he doesn't like it then I'd go away for a whole weekend and let him cope the kids. See if he can handle it.

WorraLiberty · 02/05/2021 11:21

Please don't have any more children with this wanker.

He was disgusted with me and basically told me I'm just wanting rid of my youngest son because I can't cope

Even if that was true, surely he'd be delighted that you'd have something to help you cope!

clpsmum · 02/05/2021 11:38

Not having a go OP just advising on use of language. There is nothing "wrong" with people who have autism, they are different not wrong!

Don't beat yourself up about sending him to nursery do whatever makes your life easier and it sounds like you have thought it through properly. Sounds like your husband is not much help and is also in denial. Sending hugs

clpsmum · 02/05/2021 11:39

P.S if he thinks you can't cope why the F@&k isn't he doing more, he's an arse tbh

cerealgamechanger · 02/05/2021 11:40

Tell him to fuck off and do what you need to do to survive. Mine started nursery at 1.5 when the baby was born because I was exhausted by it all. The 'baby' has just joined at the same age. It's the only time in three years, I've had two mornings to myself. I feel drained.

ThatIsMyPotato · 02/05/2021 11:41

Even if it was because you were struggling to cope I don't see why it would be a bad thing to have found a way to make it more manageable.

Why doesn't he look after the children and you go back to work. Then he can see how hard it is.

Merryoldgoat · 02/05/2021 11:42

Well isn’t he a peach?

ALevelhelp · 02/05/2021 11:43

@clpsmum

P.S if he thinks you can't cope why the F@&k isn't he doing more, he's an arse tbh
This exactly! What a dick - sorry

Absolutely get a space if you can. Sorry your "D" partner isn't being more supportive Sad

user113424742258631134 · 02/05/2021 11:44

Why are you putting up with a husband who treats you so badly?

Hockeyboysmum · 02/05/2021 11:44

Sounds like a perfect solution all round

LittleOwl153 · 02/05/2021 11:46

Getting the youngest into a setting may well help wit SEN assessments anyway as they will cover things he doesn't do at home such as the larger group interaction and see how he goes.

Can you book him in anyway - i.e. do you need to agree for him to pay for it? What is the money / housing situation. I would absolutely rant at my DH if he even came close to suggesting my kids were my job 24/7 - when he - their other parent - only works 40 hours a week.

breatheinskipthegym · 02/05/2021 11:51

Your idea and your reasonings are sound. If your 2 year old does have autism, or development delays of some sort, the earlier they get support/intervention, the better. It’s much better for them to have an understanding of what they need from their educational establishment in preparation for them starting school, than start them ‘blind’ with no background/history/reliable expectations.

And struggling to cope with a child with autism is nothing to be scornful of. It’s intense and exhausting - without at all diminishing your love for your child - and parents having support, outlets and downtime is a positive thing for all the family.

Your partner sounds unbearable, some sort of dark-ages throwback with no understanding of child development, or empathy for his family members.

ALevelhelp · 02/05/2021 11:53

@LittleOwl153

Getting the youngest into a setting may well help wit SEN assessments anyway as they will cover things he doesn't do at home such as the larger group interaction and see how he goes.

Can you book him in anyway - i.e. do you need to agree for him to pay for it? What is the money / housing situation. I would absolutely rant at my DH if he even came close to suggesting my kids were my job 24/7 - when he - their other parent - only works 40 hours a week.

This 👆🏻👍🏼

I work in early years and a big part of our role is to support children in being school ready - including helping with putting together info about children who may need additional support

Orangebug · 02/05/2021 11:56

You wouldn't be getting rid of your youngest child! What a horrible thing to say. It's really common for kids of around that age to start going to some kind of pre school even if they have a SAHP, for socialisation reasons. And what's wrong with you wanting a break?! Of course you want a break - why is that a crime?

He sounds like a nasty piece of work OP.

Original poster
yogibear0 · 02/05/2021 11:56

@clpsmum

Not having a go OP just advising on use of language. There is nothing "wrong" with people who have autism, they are different not wrong!

Don't beat yourself up about sending him to nursery do whatever makes your life easier and it sounds like you have thought it through properly. Sounds like your husband is not much help and is also in denial. Sending hugs

Sorry are you referring to the comment i made where I said "my partner says there is nothing wrong with him" Sorry what i meant by that is that my partner doesn't think our son has autism. I've no idea how he hasn't spotted the massive differences. It's clearly obvious how far behind he is, still very much non verbal etc
OP posts:
Original poster
yogibear0 · 02/05/2021 11:57

@hopingforabrighterfuture2021

YANBU at all! It sounds as though you could really do with a break, and that pre school would be good for your little boy. The only reasonable explanation I can thing of, is is it a money thing? I can’t remember the rules on free hours for 2 year olds, but maybe your partner is worried about money? However, you’ve said the relationship is controlling in other ways, that’s not good at all.

Did you work before kids? Do you have plans to go back? I’m worried for you that your partner seems to think you should only be looking after your kids and wanting any kind of break/career is not going to be ‘allowed’.

I'm getting the pre pre-school placement for free. The only cost involved is £2 each day hes there's as a contribution
OP posts:
Dustyhedge · 02/05/2021 12:00

I’m not a sahm but if I was, I’d be keen to do some nursery time from 2. A good nursery offers so much. Is it a money thing? Your partner sounds horrid and you’re in a vulnerable position money-wise as not married. Do you still want to be with him? Does he add much to your life?

Dustyhedge · 02/05/2021 12:01

£2 a day? I’d bite their hands off! That is a complete no-brainer to me.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 02/05/2021 12:10

I was a SAh with two close together (19 months). They loved their nursery mornings. They did so many different things.
I had choice in timings, so when the older one had her free hours, I fitted younger ones sessions around eldest so I had one session without either for relaxation, medical appointments etc, and 1-1 time with both while other child was there. Elder child loved her 1-1 morning without her sister.

DH thought it was good for all of us.

Germolenequeen · 02/05/2021 12:12

If you do decide to proceed please inform the Nursery of your concerns so that they can support you in every way possible.

I'm an SNA in Early Years - not everyone working in the sector or indeed in education as a whole is as aware as they should be of the challenges facing a child with different needs sadly.

Before I get jumped on I'm also parent of an adult son with SEN so I have had years of experience on both sides - good luck OP hope your son benefits from his experience 🙂

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