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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For wanting to send my 2.5 yr old to nursery

66 replies

yogibear0 · 02/05/2021 10:37

I have two toddler boys 2.5 & 3.5
In sept my oldest boy begins nursery and the same place offers a pre pre-school for 2.5 yr olds. My youngest son may be on the spectrum im currently waiting for him to be assessed at the end of the yr, my partner says there's nothing wrong with him bit that's a whole other story.
I was hoping to send my youngest boy to the pre pre-school for 2 days a week. My oldest boy will go to school 9-12 then my youngest from 12-3. I think it would be really good for my younger son so I can see how he will cope at school and if that school is right for his needs. Thanks to covid he hasn't got to socialise etc and I think this would be a fantastic opportunity for him. Not only that I've massively struggled having 2 kids with only a yr between them. I'm finding it hard to cope on days because I'm unable to give each of them 1-1 time and they fight constantly over my attention. I thought this way they will both be able to get 1-1 with their mum who will also be less stressed because let's face it 1 is easier to give your full attention to. Ive been very depressed since having my youngest son as its just been very difficult and so has my relationship. It's very controlling in every way. And my youngest son I hate to say can be very challenging thanks to autism. It's not his fault at all but he can be hard work and I'm struggling.

So I brought it to the attention of my partner last night, thinking it was a fantastic idea as they both get 1-1 with me and the added bonus of playschool to play and make friends and that I think it would help me so I don't feel so guilty all the time and I think I'd cope much better. Also I'm only wanting to send him 2 days rather than the whole week.

My partner just went nuts at me. He was disgusted with me and basically told me I'm just wanting rid of my youngest son because I can't cope, that my reasons for sending him to the pre pre-school is just a bluff and my job is basically to be at home with them 24/7

I'm just distraught over it all... I honestly thought it would be good for him. And yes good for me too as I am struggling. I've no other help. I basically am a single mother doing everything anyway as he works 8-6 but even when he's here he may as well not be. So having my youngest I pre pre-school for 3 hrs two days a week would give me some support. I feel incredibly guilty that both my boys can't get important 1-1 with me. The whole pre pre-school thing will help that and maybe take away my guilt as I have time for each of them individually. My husband is just not understanding this and adamant that I'm a bad mother for coming up with this idea.

AIBU?

OP posts:

insideoutsider · 02/05/2021 12:31

Of course send him! He'll gain loads. It's only a couple of hours and it will expand his experiences and development.
Send him. Your partner will get used to it.

PicaK · 02/05/2021 12:33

and hugs
Your dh is wrong, wrong, wrong.
Just so wrong

Original poster

yogibear0 · 02/05/2021 12:59

@dustyhedge no its not a money thing, its free to me except for a £2 each day hes there as a contribution towards snacks and activities etc

I'm not sure if its because he just wants me to be stuck this way. I cant see why he thinks its so unreasonable. I thought it was perfect for both and the kids. And it would improve how I'm feeling about everything as it gives me some help!

Somehow I think his line of thinking is it frees me up a little... He hasn't said that but it's the only explanation I can think of. It's such a win win for both our sons. Why doesn't he understand that?

OP posts:

Allthenumbers · 02/05/2021 13:05

Oh OP I think it’s a great idea. I have a 2.5 yr old and a 4 yr old who is autistic. It is very very very hard.

I’d love my 2.5 ye old to be in nursery but can’t before September. I really need the break!

But for you I think the 1-1 time with each would be great, for your younger one, it will be important for his assessment that his behaviours can be seen in different settings plus if it is a good nursery it might help his development.

I’m so sorry your husband is not being more supportive.

georgarina · 02/05/2021 13:48

What? A basically free nursery place that DS can go to part time, and help him with his social skills while giving you a break?

Seems like to your partner it's more important that you're struggling than that DS gets a good opportunity? Literally just to make sure you don't get a break? Maybe deep down he feels like you'll get too much of a break if you're at home and DS is at nursery, while he's working outside the home?

Caterina99 · 02/05/2021 14:28

I’m a sahm. My kids both went to nursery 2 mornings a week from age 2ish. It was pricey but we could afford it. The absolute main reason they went was to give me a break! Yes they liked it and it was good socialisation etc, but at that age it was for me, and DH was happy with that

Your partner sounds horrible. Why wouldn’t anyone want this win win situation of basically free nursery? Benefit for child and benefit for you.

Imohsotired · 02/05/2021 14:32

The only part I think is unreasonable is not sending the both of them for a few hours at the same time and giving yourself a break!

ThatIsMyPotato · 02/05/2021 14:46

Now you've explained that cost can't be a factor it sounds worse OP.

Cocoloda · 02/05/2021 15:25

You sound like a kind and considerate Mum. Lovely they will get some 1-1 time with you. Have you thought of maybe sending them in for a session at the same time? Give yourself some well deserved rest and me time. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. A good nursery has so much to offer, as does a well rested mum. Your OH sounds like a douche who has no idea about the realities of looking after two small children without a break.

DungeonKeeper · 02/05/2021 15:35

The problem is your twat of a DP. You’ve written several reasons that flag up him being unpleasant.

Do what’s best for your DS’s

niceupthedance · 02/05/2021 15:50

Your partner is being an arse. HTH

JADS · 02/05/2021 15:57

I can only see benefits here. You aren't really freed up as you will always have one child with you. The 1 to 1 with each of your ds is lovely especially when they are so close in age. The pre school with hopefully help you with diagnosis and early intervention which is key.

My ds1 went to nursery 3 full days when ds2 was born and I was on mat leave. Ds1 has autism. I would have lost the plot otherwise!

YANBU. Your partner sounds vile. Do you get any child free time at all?

Original poster

yogibear0 · 02/05/2021 19:47

@Imohsotired

The only part I think is unreasonable is not sending the both of them for a few hours at the same time and giving yourself a break!

@imohsotired I would have done that ideally sending them both at the one time but it can't be done unfortunately. They are only taking nursery age from 9 until 12pm to keep them ready for starting primary school at that time the following yr. Then they will take the pre schoolers from 12-3. But as much as I thought it would be great sending them at the same time (so I can have a few hours peace) the way it's working works much better for the kids as in they will both get 1-1 with me individually... I don't mind still having one if them at home. The most important thing to me is that ds2 gets some socialising at pre school and seeing how he gets on outside of our home and secondly that they both get attention from me and the amount if attention they both deserve. Rather than them both fighting over me at the one time. Its just physically impossible to do anything on my own with the two of them at one time and it's really getting to me. Makes me feel like a terrible mum which feeds my depression!

OP posts:

Original poster

yogibear0 · 02/05/2021 19:49

@JADS

My ds1 went to nursery 3 full days when ds2 was born and I was on mat leave. Ds1 has autism. I would have lost the plot otherwise!

YANBU. Your partner sounds vile. Do you get any child free time at all?

I think ive had 2 days in the last 3 years to myself. I'd love an hr or two here or there just to myself even just to get on top of house work or decorate the house etc..

OP posts:

georgarina · 02/05/2021 19:54

I think ive had 2 days in the last 3 years to myself. I'd love an hr or two here or there just to myself even just to get on top of house work or decorate the house etc..

I'm a single parent, my ex is useless, and I've still had more time to myself than that.

Does your partner think it's equal because your work is at home? Because that would be the equivalent of him working in the office 24/7. No going home at the end of the day, no holidays, no weekends.

Original poster

yogibear0 · 02/05/2021 20:15

I think it was the manner in how he reacted and how he spoke to me. I thought it was a fantastic idea all round. He was just disgusted at me and really annoyed. The way he said what he said was very hurtful and then made me question myself and ask myself if I was being selfish, but in my own heart I know that's not the case. But in that moment when he's having a go it really makes me feel like I'm totally I the wrong and that he's right

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 02/05/2021 20:25

What does he think is going to happen when your eldest starts school? Does he not want the youngest getting the nursery opportunity then either incase it gives you some free time?

DungeonKeeper · 02/05/2021 20:28

I think your DP wants you to be kept at home, busy with the kids. Are you isolated? Have you got friends and family? He sounds controlling and nasty.

Royalbloo · 02/05/2021 20:33

He can disagree with you but no one can assign motive to your decision - he's being a mahooosive twat.

Royalbloo · 02/05/2021 20:34

This is about control, not what is right for the kids x

Winifredgoose · 02/05/2021 20:40

YAnbu at all. Ignore your partner and do it anyway. It is a shame they can't do some of it together so you could have a bit of a break. Do not feel guilty. He will be 2 3/4s by then, which is when lots of children start nursery anyway.

Aalvarino · 02/05/2021 20:47

Absolutely definitely put them both in for the maximum hours YOU feel comfortable with. Not your partner. He sounds horrible.

If he doesn't like it then there is an obvious solution. He can become the stay at home parent (no nursery mind you, no 'slacking' for him) and you can go out to work.

In all seriousness... Get back into the workplace pronto if you aren't already.

Men like this make me so cross my head is at risk of exploding.

InsideNumberNine · 02/05/2021 20:49

Does he not feel your youngest needs socialising? Why is it ok for the three year old, but not the two year old?

I'm gonna take a guess and say you do everything for the boys and in the house?

clpsmum · 03/05/2021 00:52

@yogibear0 yes that's what I was referring to but honestly wasn't trying to bash or berate you. I am a mum to a son with autism and get sick of people asking what's wrong with him but know that it is done blindly and not intentionally.

As a mum to a son with autism I am here to chat if you need me.

Your husband is the one that is unreasonable. He should be helping a lot more. It sounds to me like a child troll thing and he does t want you to have a minute of free time. Happy to keep you barefoot and pregnant but not happy to help out. You are worth more than him. Sending hugs

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 03/05/2021 06:18

Send him to pre-school. Then start planning how you can ditch your "D"H. He seems to want you to suffer and have an awful time, even when you're doing stuff to benefit the kids. With friends like that...

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