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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For wanting to send my 2.5 yr old to nursery

66 replies

yogibear0 · 02/05/2021 10:37

I have two toddler boys 2.5 & 3.5
In sept my oldest boy begins nursery and the same place offers a pre pre-school for 2.5 yr olds. My youngest son may be on the spectrum im currently waiting for him to be assessed at the end of the yr, my partner says there's nothing wrong with him bit that's a whole other story.
I was hoping to send my youngest boy to the pre pre-school for 2 days a week. My oldest boy will go to school 9-12 then my youngest from 12-3. I think it would be really good for my younger son so I can see how he will cope at school and if that school is right for his needs. Thanks to covid he hasn't got to socialise etc and I think this would be a fantastic opportunity for him. Not only that I've massively struggled having 2 kids with only a yr between them. I'm finding it hard to cope on days because I'm unable to give each of them 1-1 time and they fight constantly over my attention. I thought this way they will both be able to get 1-1 with their mum who will also be less stressed because let's face it 1 is easier to give your full attention to. Ive been very depressed since having my youngest son as its just been very difficult and so has my relationship. It's very controlling in every way. And my youngest son I hate to say can be very challenging thanks to autism. It's not his fault at all but he can be hard work and I'm struggling.

So I brought it to the attention of my partner last night, thinking it was a fantastic idea as they both get 1-1 with me and the added bonus of playschool to play and make friends and that I think it would help me so I don't feel so guilty all the time and I think I'd cope much better. Also I'm only wanting to send him 2 days rather than the whole week.

My partner just went nuts at me. He was disgusted with me and basically told me I'm just wanting rid of my youngest son because I can't cope, that my reasons for sending him to the pre pre-school is just a bluff and my job is basically to be at home with them 24/7

I'm just distraught over it all... I honestly thought it would be good for him. And yes good for me too as I am struggling. I've no other help. I basically am a single mother doing everything anyway as he works 8-6 but even when he's here he may as well not be. So having my youngest I pre pre-school for 3 hrs two days a week would give me some support. I feel incredibly guilty that both my boys can't get important 1-1 with me. The whole pre pre-school thing will help that and maybe take away my guilt as I have time for each of them individually. My husband is just not understanding this and adamant that I'm a bad mother for coming up with this idea.

AIBU?

OP posts:

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 03/05/2021 06:31

You called him your partner...please tell me you’re married?

Tumbleweed101 · 03/05/2021 08:38

It would be beneficial for all three of you and if your younger son does have autism the nursery will be able to support you with helping his progress, it can be good to have another view point on their development.

Snowpaw · 03/05/2021 08:46

All I know is that EVERYONE in my family benefitted when I got a break. My daughter just has two mornings a week at nursery and in that time I get my chores done or order a food shop, or sometimes I just go for a long walk round a quiet lake. The break leaves me energised, happier, more able to cope and more organised. And my child has really gained and developed from being around new people and being in a different environment for short periods. My partner isn’t coming home to an over burdened, constantly knackered and irritable person. It’s improved our relationship. He was fully supportive of the idea. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Original poster

yogibear0 · 03/05/2021 12:41

Thankyou for everyone's comments. I brought the topic up again last night with a knot in my stomach to explain how good this will be for our youngest and for me. He begrudgingly then said do what ever you think is best. So I am. I'm registering him tomorrow for 2 days per week and I've decided if I see there is an improvement in ds2 I will increase those days for his benefit.
Im doing this to try and create a happier and healthier home for my children just wish he could see that. Maybe he will once it all gets going.
Thankyou everyone for helping me see I wasn't in the wrong for wanting to send ds2 to pre pre-school. He had me thinking otherwise.

To everyone asking no we are not married.

OP posts:

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 03/05/2021 12:47

If you’re not married then unless you’re sitting on your own wealth you’re in a horrifically vulnerable position. Unmarried, no income, SAHM with a child with additional needs....why aren’t you married? Do you have a pension? Your name on the house? Your partner sounds threatened by the prospect of your load getting any lighter-why do you think that might be? Could it be that he knows quite how vulnerable you are in your current set up and he doesn’t want you to get ideas about working or anything?

Orangebug · 03/05/2021 12:56

Well done OP I'm pleased to hear this!

Agree that you need to either get married or go back to work as you would be very vulnerable if you split up.

PumpkinPie2016 · 03/05/2021 13:16

I'm pleased you are going ahead with your plan OP. It will benefit you and both children. It may also help with getting the ball rolling with SEN assessment if needs be.

I would strongly recommend that you make some plans to ensure you are secure financially. Are you planning to return to work at some point?

You mention that your relationship is very controlling-this isn't good I would quietly organise things so that you can leave should you need to.

SnackSizeRaisin · 03/05/2021 13:23

Nursery is beneficial for children over the age of 2. Plus 2 afternoons a week is hardly anything. He'll still be at home most of the time. It sounds like it's a good solution for all of you. Personally I'd look at putting them both in 3 full days and find work. That will give you more protection in case your relationship breaks down.
If your partner wants the child at home all the time, just admit to him that you are struggling and need a break (nothing wrong with that at all) and ask him to look after the younger child on his own for 6 hours twice a week so that you can get some respite. I expect he won't be keen on that idea.

CaveMum · 03/05/2021 13:24

Please tell me you are planning on returning to work soon, or at the very least have your name on the deeds for the house? You are in an incredibly vulnerable position, he could walk away tomorrow and leave you with absolutely nothing bar a bit of child maintenance - if he bothers to pay that.

Start looking for work now, get yourself in a better financial position as quickly as you can.

Marcipex · 03/05/2021 13:35

Over 2s really thrive at preschool.
They are just the age to start to socialise and enjoy a variety of activities.
Also, if he does have additional needs, you might as well get the ball rolling.

RandomMess · 03/05/2021 14:15

Your partner sounds horrible to speak to you in that way and his opinion of your role.

Think carefully about protecting yourself financially and emotionally from him.

paralysedbyinertia · 03/05/2021 14:22

If it's free, I'd just send him anyway. You're the one looking after him in the day, so you get to decide how that time is spent.

Your DH doesn't sound very nice at all, I'm afraid.

Original poster

yogibear0 · 04/05/2021 19:20

We aren't married but been together 15 yrs, Im glad I'm not married to him tbh, I'd have a divorce etc to go through when I do leave. Because its getting too much for me. What i wrote about pre school is the tip of the ice berg people. There's so much more that I deal with. Making my own decisions without getting a belittling about is very hard. And I'm a 32 yr old woman!
The house is a council house in my name. I don't care if I left with nothing as I know I'll have so much support behind me. Being happy and my kids being happy is my main priority..

Put the form in today for ds2 so there's no going back. He's not happy. He's also not happy that a family member has now died and now I've a funeral & wake to attend to. It's just all so ridiculous and I'm at my wits ends!

OP posts:

DungeonKeeper · 04/05/2021 19:23

If the council house is in your name then you are in a strong position to get him to leave. He sounds horrendous.

RandomMess · 04/05/2021 19:55

Sooner you end this joke of a relationship the better!

Please double up on reliable contraception.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 05/05/2021 10:54

Really glad to hear you have secure housing. That makes a shit load of difference in your position. He sounds awful and I don’t doubt there is much more that you haven’t shared. Keep posting here - MNetters have endless wisdom and advice for people in your position. You can end the relationship and make a better life for you and your children.

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