Dealing with intrusive MIL and first baby

[Kiwiinparis]

Hi all

I’m looking for some advice on how to handle my overbearing MIL. DH and I are TTC our first in a little bit which we are so excited about. However in the back of my mind I have a niggly feeling that I’m going to come up against some really difficult behaviour from my MIL.

MIL, to put it nicely, always has to be involved in everyone’s business. She has very strong opinions about how things should and shouldn’t be done, and doesn’t waver on these. For example another family member had a baby recently and she 1) turned up unannounced and uninvited at their house the day they got back from hospital (bear in mind that they don’t have a super close relationship with her at all and she is a sort of second degree relation). 2) had negative things to say throughout the pregnancy on how the baby shower was planned, why they had chosen to have it at a specific venue etc, 3) tried to guilt them about not being proactive and inviting the entire family over for a lunch to meet the baby, but yet for some reason it’s “too difficult” to find a time to invite them and their baby over to MILs house so a few family members can meet baby there. 4) has strong opinions that she tends to voice frequently on what age the baby should move to their own room/choosing of godparents/baptisms/how you should look after a newborn.

I fully expect her to start with the (unwanted) “advice” as soon as we fall pregnant. She will want to be included so much to the point where she will tell us how to decorate the nursery, how to raise our child and how we are doing things wrong because they are not like her friends children are raising their kids.

I guess I’m just looking for a bit of advice on how to prepare myself to handle these comments/intrusions and if I’m being unreasonable when thinking that this is out of order. I have no qualms in standing up to some of these things but at the same time I respect that she is my husbands mother and that this will be her grandchild. Fwiw my husband knows what she is like and has said that he won’t put up with this behaviour. Do I just leave it to him to sort out, and whenever she has a comment on how I am doing things wrong come back with something like “thank you for your advice” and just leave it there?

“thank you for your advice”

Why would you say this?

It’s not true.

Start practicing right now - about other stuff.

Depend on exact context of situations I'd chose from....

• I understand you are trying to help but we're doing XYZ.

• Thanks for that idea - I appreciate your perspective but we have a plan for this already.

• Thank you but I don't need advice.

Just try to keep in mind that she can't force you to do anything.

I have a difficult FIL & his wife whose default mode is to criticise. It really affected me until my confidence and knowledge grew with our baby, confirming that they are total dummies and inept at parenting.

They would talk about taking my DS for the day which filled me with horror, but he is 3 now and it has never happened. We don't need their childcare.

When they make comments now (i.e. rod for your own back) I just say that times have changed and state how I like to do things.

I would say you need to remind yourself that you are an adult woman. Don't slip into the default "married to her little prince" roll. If she starts with unacceptable behaviour and comments then be firm but polite.

Totally get you. The stupid comments started when I was pregnant with my first. I'm LC with her now. I couldn't deal with it. I suggest getting your husband to deal with it. She won't listen to you unfortunately. Good luck!

Start now, when she goes on about her relatives baby make it clear its their baby and their choice. Make comments about you wouldn't like opinions about XY and Z if you have children (don't say you're TTC)

Don't present anything to her as negotiable when the time comes, and stand firm if she tries to push boundaries.

Start taking a firm line with her as of now. Anything that you don't agree with, tell her. Don't be afraid to be assertive when expressing your opinion.

Remember, you are an adult now, so it's time to make that dangerous but exciting leap from a parent/child relationship with her, to an adult/adult relationship. It is essential that your husband makes this leap too.

Start as you mean to go on, be vague with your pregnancy dates, favourite names etc, get your own plans in place for the things that are important to you so her ideas can easily be ignored. She's had her time of being a mother, this will be your own time.

Thanks for all your advice! I didn’t think I was overreacting with this behaviour.

I’ve made it very clear in the past that the relative with the baby can make her own choices with how she brings up her kid. Unfortunately she also went through a load of crap dealing with HER MIL completely disrespecting her decisions (who funnily enough is my MILs sister). Whenever their situation got bought up I would always be very firm in saying that I would never put up with that sort of behaviour and any person that treated me like that if I had a baby would be cut off. This did not go down well with my MIL lol

"Is that what they did back when you had kids?" Followed by "that's not recommended now/ things have changed since then" or something else that communicates this is your time and not hers without being defensive or confrontational.

Or you could go the confrontational route. Depends on your personalities and the type of relationship you want.

Honestly though, you're not pregnant yet so this might not be the issue you expect. I built up in my head all kinds of scenarios involving in laws that would piss me off when my baby was born, but they didn't happen.

Do not tell her you are in labour. (Prior to this do not tell her your due date)
Also do not tell her when you are due home (we told all our family we were due home on the Sunday and we're actually home Friday afternoon.

Her son gets to tell her, don’t fall in to the trap of ‘well I’m on leave, so I’m home, so she texts me’-nah, she texts her son, yes, when he’s working. Time to practice saying ‘no.’ ‘Aww, really, yeah, we won’t be doing that. Anyway, looks like it’s getting cold this week, blah blah’ ‘ha, yeah, that’s not a thing anymore, science has moved on thankfully’ ‘nope, sleepovers/‘weaning’ at 2 weeks/neglect/ etc. isn’t required, thanks! Ask YourSon about contact’

From what you've said, it does sound like she could be extremely trying as an MIL.

You're quite right to think you don't have to put up with it.

I would let your husband deal with her as much as possible, though. It's his mother, his problem. But don't sit there and seethe if he doesn't rise to the occasion. Just imagine she's an over-excited kindergartener and you're firmly managing expectations. And don't see her too often. A lot of the time, problems spring up because there's just too much time and opportunity.

A friend went through a course to deal with her abusive ex.
It's really funny. But this works ...
You agree with them.
It works by affirming their thoughts.
BUT then say your piece.
MIL. The babies room should be yellow.
You. Yes MIL I agree yellow is a nice colour but I think DH and I need to talk about it.
MIL . I want it yellow.
You. Well MIL yellow is very pretty and I am sure if you want a babies room at yours yellow you can do that , however as I said we have not decided.

does she ever make any suggestions that you DO agree with? If so maybe you could make a BIG deal of agreeing with her or ‘taking her advice’ so that when you don’t take her advice or agree with her she can’t just say it’s because you are being contrary, if you see what i mean? You could say ‘ yeah I thought you had such a good point over x, and we are doing what you suggested, but I think for y, we’ll do it our way...’

I would smile and say things like Really or That’s interesting or the type of thing Whythesadface says.

I would not tell anyone you are trying or announce your pregnancy until it becomes obvious
Then I would fudge the due date a couple of weeks and tell her it was a happy accident so are not sure of your dates.
That should buy you some time.

I suffered through very similar with my PILs. I could write an essay. I will just say, their behaviour was a big part in my decision not to have a second child. Maybe consider emigrating? Somewhere too hot/cold for her, or where they won't be able to get a visa? I'll leave it to you to judge whether that's lighthearted...

@Whythesadface

A friend went through a course to deal with her abusive ex. It's really funny. But this works ... You agree with them. It works by affirming their thoughts. BUT then say your piece. MIL. The babies room should be yellow. You. Yes MIL I agree yellow is a nice colour but I think DH and I need to talk about it. MIL . I want it yellow. You. Well MIL yellow is very pretty and I am sure if you want a babies room at yours yellow you can do that , however as I said we have not decided.

Actually this is a great idea. Can definitely see how this works!

Practice numerous (polite/jokey) ways of reiterating that "the times they are a changing" and things aren't done the same as when she had babies, or that it's your turn to make these decisions you've been Exocets about since you were a little girl, same as she probably was.

Is she aware she's a nightmare/controlling? My mum is awful for it (I do know she only has the best intentions) but she knows we think this of her (and that it's true) so I'm comfortable to tell her when she's being too much and to back off.......never said quite so polite though.

I started to type out comments but I can't even because they seem so trivial when I write them out, but they really wind me up.

I know it only comes from pure love but I love the moments DD won't settle with my know-it-all mother and I take her and she's instantly content... it's living, breathing proof that I AM doing it right my own way and it's a big internal party and HA moment, and you'll get the same buzz when you take your unsettled baby from MIL and get near instant calm too, even after all her efforts, advice and experience.

Honestly, you'll get annoying suggestions/advice/tips and tricks from many more people than just your MIL. They all mean well, and you'll know they do, but it'll still annoy you for various reasons.

All you can do is be sure and firm of your decisions/opinions in that moment (they CAN change at any given time YOU decide is right) and you'll find yourself a pro at batting them all off in no time, jokes or not, bat them off. It's a no tolerance policy when it comes to negativity towards pregnancy/babies/andchoices.

Mama knows best, always, be strong

I'll second not telling her you are TTC, push the due date back a few weeks and when you go into labour say nothing.

Plus remember even a strong opinion is just an opinion you don't have to do anything about it.

I hope you don't live too close

Well she sounds like a total PITA.

It does sound like you have a lot of contact with her - is that really necessary?

Genuinely I would move far far away but that's probably the result of my own horrible MIL experiences.

It sounds like your husband will be on your side so that’s good. There’s no need for you to text her, let all contact go through him

I agree don't.mention TTC. Keep news of pregnancy to yourselves for as long as.possible. tell her your due date is.about a month later than it actually is. Don't tell her things until they have happened if you can

Also ask her to do somethings.
But make it things that help you.
Is there anything you hate doing?
Strong women who are bossy actually do like being given tasks, would you like a crochet or sewn gift made by MIL.
Could you Facebook it to show you liked it, so she actually is rewarded for being nice.
When mine are expecting, I'm going to save £2 coins for Nappies.

Mine is lovely but has a lot of opinions she likes to share. I am a quiet person but will speak my mind when needed, I also have a stubborn trait where I don't like being told what to do. My mil loves our children and I care and respect her so have never wanted to freeze her out however I am the mother. I would acknowledge her advice, some of it was good, anything I didn't agree with I would say I would take on board but I like doing things my own way. I kept this on repeat and would say the same to my own mum too.

Ypu can get your point across without being rude, you just need to be firm and have the same response on loop.

Oh and once expecting anywhere your going that there is drink tell them your on antibiotics for ear infection, so won't be able to drink.