Dealing with intrusive MIL and first baby

[Kiwiinparis]

Hi all

I’m looking for some advice on how to handle my overbearing MIL. DH and I are TTC our first in a little bit which we are so excited about. However in the back of my mind I have a niggly feeling that I’m going to come up against some really difficult behaviour from my MIL.

MIL, to put it nicely, always has to be involved in everyone’s business. She has very strong opinions about how things should and shouldn’t be done, and doesn’t waver on these. For example another family member had a baby recently and she 1) turned up unannounced and uninvited at their house the day they got back from hospital (bear in mind that they don’t have a super close relationship with her at all and she is a sort of second degree relation). 2) had negative things to say throughout the pregnancy on how the baby shower was planned, why they had chosen to have it at a specific venue etc, 3) tried to guilt them about not being proactive and inviting the entire family over for a lunch to meet the baby, but yet for some reason it’s “too difficult” to find a time to invite them and their baby over to MILs house so a few family members can meet baby there. 4) has strong opinions that she tends to voice frequently on what age the baby should move to their own room/choosing of godparents/baptisms/how you should look after a newborn.

I fully expect her to start with the (unwanted) “advice” as soon as we fall pregnant. She will want to be included so much to the point where she will tell us how to decorate the nursery, how to raise our child and how we are doing things wrong because they are not like her friends children are raising their kids.

I guess I’m just looking for a bit of advice on how to prepare myself to handle these comments/intrusions and if I’m being unreasonable when thinking that this is out of order. I have no qualms in standing up to some of these things but at the same time I respect that she is my husbands mother and that this will be her grandchild. Fwiw my husband knows what she is like and has said that he won’t put up with this behaviour. Do I just leave it to him to sort out, and whenever she has a comment on how I am doing things wrong come back with something like “thank you for your advice” and just leave it there?

All amazing advice thank you!

We do live in the same city and extremely close to them at the moment although we are looking at moving about an hour and a half away at the end of the year to be much closer to my mum. Hopefully this alleviates the unannounced drop ins haha!

I will definitely use al of these lines with her, starting NOW. She has already tried to have a say in what house we purchase and how we need to renovate it down to where we put the kitchen island because she’s “been through so many renovations herself” and obviously knows best.

We have a lot more to do with her than I would like at the moment but as soon as we move we are drastically cutting this down. My in laws have a weekly dinner with all their kids/spouses that unfortunately will just be too hard for us to constantly attend living so far away.

From experience of my own mother doing similar things, I found that trying to explain why we were doing it differently just didn't work, and made more of an issue out of everything. I realised that if I just said "yeah ok", (in a sort of shut up kind of way) it tended to nip it in the bud (at least at that moment in time) as she thought I was agreeing with her. (I'm no contact with her now, but that's a different story!)

I had similar issues with mil, quite a long time ago now! Starting the day we came home from the hospital. I asked for a few days to settle in before visitors, she came straight round with sil, because clearly the request didn't apply to her. It's good your oh will back you up, mine didn't unfortunately so I was left feeling very vulnerable.
The number one thing I did which accidentally kept mil at a distance was breastfeed the baby. It absolutely drove mil nuts that she could not pick up the baby and take her from me! Ditto carrying baby in a sling.
The other tactic I found very effective as dd got older, was to appear to agree but do exactly what I wanted. Mil was in the house one evening, baby dd started crying in her room, I got up, mil says "oh leave her, you'll just disturb her if you go in" I said "yes absolutely, you're probably right" and then went straight in to the baby. This used to flumox mil completely, I had appeared to agree so she couldn't really push it without looking a bit nuts.
Brace yourself, people like this get waaaaay worse when a baby comes along. It's great that oh is on side though.

Personally I found "agree and ignore" a fairly successful strategy (not w my MiL, she's lovely).

Just don't engage or give her more information or opportunity than necessary. Maintain distance and get dh on board. Unless you are in US baby showers, gender reveals, family gatherings to introduce the baby etc are unnecessary and present opportunities for unwanted judgement and comment

I'd close her down at first comment.

"Mil I've seen you in action over blahs baby, you've rained on their parade its their baby and they can live without your doom mongering critism, please do not think you'll get away with that here. We want to enjoy every precious moment with our baby without the voice of doom on our shoulder "

Harsh but true.

As a mother in law I would also like to say pick your battles though . Don’t assume every comment is interfering or has an ulterior motive.

Things have changed over the years and things are not always said with malice .

I was the opposite and made it clear I would not visit unless asked , would babysit when needed , would not interfere .

Guess what I was accused of not caring .

Sometimes you just can’t win .

margo

Same here, the request to come home wasn't applicable to her apparently so instead of coming home to empty house, and taking baby in, showing her around, Mil was sat there spitting feathers over mess and being generally unpleasant, taking baby, instead of handing her back when rooting, just saying "you won't get anything from me except better food when you grow up, I'll feed you decent stuff don't worry"

She then rode rough shod over us for the next week until a monumental blow up.
Sadly I've still not been able to shake those negative memories around the birth of first daughter

Unsure, it's usually obvious when someone is caring but sometimes puts their foot in their mouth and when someone is also underlying jealous and cruel.

Tell her your due is at least 2 weeks later than it actually is.

Echo PP, give due date at least 3 weeks after actual due date. Do not tell her when in labour.
Announce name as a fact once you've decided, if asked what you are thinking of stay vague. If given suggestions just say thank you for the ideas.

When baby here you can get as shouty as you like with her then blame your hormones.

DH could say that you've got lots of people wanting to see baby so you'll let her know when is a good time. (Make sure he does arrange times though). Feel free to blame covid if it is still a thing.

Don’t tell her you’re TTC, don’t tell her straight away when you’re pregnant (maybe only when you have to) don’t tell her your due date, definitely don’t tell her when you’re in Labour.

Just ignore her attempts to control you, I wouldn’t even particularly engage her in conversation when she starts on about something, just smile enigmatically and walk away.

But really, she’s your H’s nightmare to manage, not yours. Make sure you’re both on the same page, you don’t want him defending his line-crossing mother and turning against you as he’ll start to go behind your back and she’ll love how that undermines you.

First of all, no ones actually pregnant yet, not you, nor your husband. So you’re getting worked up about something that might not actually happen for ages, if at all. Second, your MIL can say anything she likes, it doesn’t mean you have to listen to her or do anything she says. However, she may well have some good advice on bringing up a baby. After all, she raised your dh, and I assume he turned out ok or else you wouldn’t have married him!
You need to chill out, and don’t get worked up about ‘what ifs’. Life’s too short.

It’s such a shame she is like this - it will sour what could have been a lovely relationship.
My own MIL was on the train as soon as she heard the baby had arrived. She stayed for a week and did all the shopping, cooking and cleaning, demonstrated baby bathing and how to deal with disposable nappies - this was her fourth grandchild, so she was up to date and in practice- and was a huge help and support. DH sprained his arm and couldn’t drive, so she did the chauffering too.
It would be great if you could train your MIL to be helpful without being overbearing, OP. Perhaps give her specific tasks to make her feel wanted, so you can then refuse firmly but politely on others?

@Kiwiinparis

All amazing advice thank you!

We do live in the same city and extremely close to them at the moment although we are looking at moving about an hour and a half away at the end of the year to be much closer to my mum. Hopefully this alleviates the unannounced drop ins haha!

I will definitely use al of these lines with her, starting NOW. She has already tried to have a say in what house we purchase and how we need to renovate it down to where we put the kitchen island because she’s “been through so many renovations herself” and obviously knows best.

We have a lot more to do with her than I would like at the moment but as soon as we move we are drastically cutting this down. My in laws have a weekly dinner with all their kids/spouses that unfortunately will just be too hard for us to constantly attend living so far away.

You’re beginning to sound like you’re trying to alienate your dh from his family. Not a good look. How would you feel if your dh was planning on moving far away from your mother so that she couldn’t just drop in and you wouldn’t be able to go over to hers for dinner once a week?

Remember respect runs both ways. You dont owe her anymore than she owes you.

Sometimes people like her need to be spoken to in their own language. You may have to be as direct as she is.

@Soontobe60

First of all, no ones actually pregnant yet, not you, nor your husband. So you’re getting worked up about something that might not actually happen for ages, if at all. Second, your MIL can say anything she likes, it doesn’t mean you have to listen to her or do anything she says. However, she may well have some good advice on bringing up a baby. After all, she raised your dh, and I assume he turned out ok or else you wouldn’t have married him! You need to chill out, and don’t get worked up about ‘what ifs’. Life’s too short.

I hear you and this is a good post. But I was always aware what my inlaws would be like if I was pregnant and it did bother me. They were nightmares in so many ways. And I was absolutely right. They were awful.

Grabbing me to touch my stomach like I was public fucking property, referring to the bump as ‘my baby’ or ‘our baby’, scolding me for exercising too much (in their eyes), trying to control me, passive aggressive remarks about what I was doing/not doing/eating/drinking etc. I was constantly compared to their daughters too. It was so wearing. And it hasn’t stopped since the baby was born. They act like they think I’m incompetent or neglectful because I’m doing my PhD and working while a mother, while their daughters are 💯 ’dedicated’ to parenting.

So it doesn’t hurt to be prepared and if they piss you off anyway, you won’t be able to help thinking about it.

You had your chance being a parent, this is ours

@Soontobe60 actually my DH is the one wanting to move further away. He wants to live in the countryside and that is the closest we can get to our current city that we can afford. I would have been happy buying a house on a smaller amount of land closer to the city but this is what he has always wanted.

He 100% understands how difficult she can be. He was booted out of home at 16 by his parents and didn’t have a relationship with them for many years until just before we started dating (we are mid-late 20s)

@Voomster953 oh god that sounds HORRIBLE. How do you put up with that behaviour?!

@LIZS we aren’t in the US or in the UK. Based in the Southern Hemisphere. Baby showers and gender reveals are pretty standard here, although I’m unsure if I’m all that crazy about gender reveals. We will be having a baby shower as I’ve always wanted one and have planned a couple for close friends!

[quote Kiwiinparis]@Voomster953 oh god that sounds HORRIBLE. How do you put up with that behaviour?![/quote]
It took a while but I had to shut it down in the end. Clearly and firmly. And I had to do it myself.
They would do it ‘little and often’ so I was always the one to sound like the arsehole when I complained to my H about it. But in the end, they turned up for the thousandth time unannounced, let themselves in and I let rip. And they’re still awful, but better. They forget themselves occasionally.
I could fill up Mumsnet with the shit they’ve done over the years. Unusually my FIL is the worst one though.

@Voomster953 glad to hear they have gotten a bit better! Strange that your FIL is the worst one! Usually I read about situations on here where it’s the MIL leading the crazy with FIL being towed behind and just going along with everything she says and does (my situation exactly. I actually really like my FIL and think we get on fine)

Keep your business private will really help.

If someone kicked me out of home at 16 they would never be allowed a view on anything in my life.

Leave your husband to it.