Dealing with intrusive MIL and first baby

[Kiwiinparis]

Hi all

I’m looking for some advice on how to handle my overbearing MIL. DH and I are TTC our first in a little bit which we are so excited about. However in the back of my mind I have a niggly feeling that I’m going to come up against some really difficult behaviour from my MIL.

MIL, to put it nicely, always has to be involved in everyone’s business. She has very strong opinions about how things should and shouldn’t be done, and doesn’t waver on these. For example another family member had a baby recently and she 1) turned up unannounced and uninvited at their house the day they got back from hospital (bear in mind that they don’t have a super close relationship with her at all and she is a sort of second degree relation). 2) had negative things to say throughout the pregnancy on how the baby shower was planned, why they had chosen to have it at a specific venue etc, 3) tried to guilt them about not being proactive and inviting the entire family over for a lunch to meet the baby, but yet for some reason it’s “too difficult” to find a time to invite them and their baby over to MILs house so a few family members can meet baby there. 4) has strong opinions that she tends to voice frequently on what age the baby should move to their own room/choosing of godparents/baptisms/how you should look after a newborn.

I fully expect her to start with the (unwanted) “advice” as soon as we fall pregnant. She will want to be included so much to the point where she will tell us how to decorate the nursery, how to raise our child and how we are doing things wrong because they are not like her friends children are raising their kids.

I guess I’m just looking for a bit of advice on how to prepare myself to handle these comments/intrusions and if I’m being unreasonable when thinking that this is out of order. I have no qualms in standing up to some of these things but at the same time I respect that she is my husbands mother and that this will be her grandchild. Fwiw my husband knows what she is like and has said that he won’t put up with this behaviour. Do I just leave it to him to sort out, and whenever she has a comment on how I am doing things wrong come back with something like “thank you for your advice” and just leave it there?

I hate the unsolicited advice, find it so irritating. I usually laugh and act like I think shes joking when my MIL gives me crap advice, eg when I told her how exhausted DH was in work when DD2 was going through the 4 month sleep regression and she said it wasn't fair on him and I needed to put her in her own room, I just laughed and said can you actually BELIEVE people used to do that! Can you imagine, dumping my little baby off to sleep on her own, me having to get up and down all night to breastfeed her every hour, wouldn't that be CRAZY! Instead of a grown man making the decision to sleep elsewhere if hes so tired. Good job times have changed now isn't it!

Or the other one is I act confused like the advice is so ridiculous I cant understand it, making her explain more and more until she sees how stupid it is. (In her own room? Like on her own, against safe sleep advice? But how would that work? So where would I sleep, there isn't a bed in her room?)

With DD3 I've had absolutely zero suggestions so far so shes obviously given up on me.

"Is that how it was when you had yours?"

"Is that what your MIL did?"

"I suppose that's one option, but we won't be doing that".

Just smile, nod and say “this is the way we do things in our household” and “we find this way works best for us as a family.”

Start every response to unwanted advice or interference with the words "as xyz parents we have decided......"

My advice would be to have the baby first and then see how it goes. You can always ask DH to politely tell her to back off. Sounds like you'll need to set some clear boundaries.