Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If someone never invites you ?

55 replies

DeepThinkingGirl · 01/05/2021 17:15

Hi!

I have a long term friend. We used to sleep over at each other’s houses etc when we were teens.

Then we sort of drifted apart and reconnected after we both married And started to ttc.

I thought it was like old times so I invited her over to mine few times. She is always keen to meet up but wants it to be at my place.. I’ve had less than ideal condition but she always insisted to make it in my place. I often suggested to meet outdoors but she insists she is more comfortable in houses (we have little ones)..

However, never once has she accepted when I suggest I want to come visit her place. The only time she accepted was when it was her mums house and she rushed me even though she was a long distance away.

I’m not fussed about people not inviting me. But she makes a huge fuss about how she doesn’t want to meet in a middle location and how she has so much fun in my house and likes sleep overs.

She also never accepted to come with her husband to any family events and showed up alone. I haven’t met her husband at all even though she is quite friendly to mine.

I thought it might be insecurity but I just find it so strange and starting to question the friendship.

AIBU to find this all so odd? If you insist to sleep over at someone’s house the least you could do is be welcoming ? Otherwise don’t insist to visit when it’s not reciprocated?

I know these formalities are petty but there is a bit of history and I’m just trying to get my head around things

OP posts:
Original poster
DeepThinkingGirl · 01/05/2021 17:22

In the grand scheme of things this shouldn’t matter..

But I’m starting to feel uncomfortable inviting her and I think the noticed and is behaving offended.. I keep asking her to meet in a shopping centre because quite honestly having her over is quite a hassle since DH works from home and I have to ask him to work outside as we have little kids.. but she keeps asking me whether he would work outside for the day so she can visit..

I politely decline and say we need to meet outdoors if the kids want to play together and that I will let her know when it works out.. but she ended up cancelling our meet up sayinr she will only meet if it’s in my place :S

I offered to come to hers instead and she said she can’t, and cancelled the whole meeting saying she is ill. This is not the first time she does this.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 01/05/2021 17:23

If she won’t have anyone to her house and her husband never joins for invitations where it would be usual for partners to attend then perhaps she has a husband problem. Maybe he’s rude or unsociable or a bit odd and she knows it.

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 01/05/2021 17:28

Has she said much about her husband? I had a really nasty ex who would literally roll his eyes in their presence if I had friends round (even planned, even if I asked), or sometimes he would be grumpy with me Infront of them
He made it hard in other ways too, changing his plans at the last minute (so I'd be left without childcare) or insisting he didn't see me enough - so I'd turn down plans to be home for his days off work only to find he was off doing other things! Or his shifts would change at work
At the time I was so embarrassed by it and scared to tell anyone incase they said anything and made him mad. If it seemed like eg a work a friendship was going in the direction that I might have to invite then round, I'd cool it off just to avoid the inevitable!
Anyway, my point is, there seems to be something else at play. It's really hard to juggle a partner or some other large commitment into your life, and will result in a lot of inconsistency
It could even be something trivial, like the house might be a mess and it's something she's insecure about

Weebitawks · 01/05/2021 17:29

I would assume she's having issues with her husband. Maybe it's an uncomfortable atmosphere at her house and the fact that she doesn't bring him anywhere seems quite telling.

It could be that she enjoys getting out of the house and maybe sees your house as a bit of a safe space (away from her husband)

BestOption · 01/05/2021 17:33

I would assume there's something going on at her house that she doesn't want to open up about.

I've had friends over the years with various 'quirks' & I just go along with it. Usually they'll eventually open up and it all makes sense.

Do you not enjoy having them sleepover? If you don't. Then you're quite within your rights to say no. It's your life, your friendship you don't have to agree to anything you don't want to, but it's not fair to put the pressure on her either just so it's 'equal' or whatever.

BusyLizzie61 · 01/05/2021 17:43

It sounds to me like there's way more at play here tbh.

Is she embarrassed about her home? The state? Condition of it? In comparison to your home? Not "allowed" people home? Is her partner controlling/"traditional"?

I wouldn't stop. But I would raise it and ask why directly.

I'd also perhaps suggest meet ups in parks and the like. A shopping centre may be an issue again if money is tight... Whereas a park and picnic is cheap as chips. Something that some people don't recognise is the situation for others.

StoneofDestiny · 01/05/2021 17:49

Something definitely going on here. Have you googled her address to see what it's like?

I'd ask her why you are never invited to hers as it's a chore being the sole host.
I'd also ask why 'half way' isn't acceptable to her - then nobody has to do 'the entertaining'.
You really have to ask outright.

Oneweekleft · 01/05/2021 17:55

I would guess maybe a husband problem as well or not being honest about her living circumstances perhaps?

2bazookas · 01/05/2021 17:56

I'm guessing the husband you've never met is the reason she doesn'tinvite people to her home.

Keepyourdistance000 · 01/05/2021 17:58

She could be in an abusive relationship.

NeedNewKnees · 01/05/2021 17:59

Don’t be offended, OP. I had a couple of mates like this whose antisocial blokes stopped them socialising in their houses. One was a controlling asshat, the other with crippling social anxiety.

DishingOutDone · 01/05/2021 18:00

Ah. Sounds like me. I wont have anyone in my house as I am worried about the state of it, and my H is not a nice person. I hope I can get away eventually but yes its a constant issue, I can't have anyone round at all - just keep making excuses.

jamaisjedors · 01/05/2021 18:01

Definitely agree it could be her husband, my ex made my life difficult if i invited my friends over and didn't like them so wouldn't come to meals with them etc

peboh · 01/05/2021 18:01

Perhaps she's insecure about her home?
I don't necessarily find the not bringing her husband around weird, as I don't often take my husband to events with my friends though will go to events with his. He's just different to my friends, and that's totally cool.
Or there's other issues, and perhaps you just need to have an open conversation with her and ask her why?

gamerchick · 01/05/2021 18:05

If she's a good friend can you not just get it out into the open and ask why it always has to be at your house. That you shouldn't always have to host?

NakedBanana · 01/05/2021 18:07

As per PPs, I suspect that she is either ashamed of her home or has a problem husband.

I had a vague acquaintance who never let me in her house, I used to take her dd to brownies and she would make me stand on the doorstep and close the door on me while she went to get her DD. It really offended me.

However this acquaintance is now a good friend and I asked her why in the past, she never invited me in. Turns out she was mortified about the state of her carpet, and don't want anyone seeing it! We laugh about it now, but made me realise that people don't always mean to offend you and may have other reasons for the weird things they do.

Leeds2 · 01/05/2021 18:18

Have you ever been to her house? And have you ever met her husband?

Although if she feels uncomfortable about either, I don't see why there would be a problem meeting up outside. Unless she is short of money, so doesn't want to pay for lunch/admission fees etc.

EileenGC · 01/05/2021 18:23

It could be she doesn’t actually have a husband.

It could be that he’s abusive and controlling and doesn’t allow guests. My mum was literally not allowed to just have people over. A lot of abusive relationships are very well hidden so even if you haven’t seen signs, she may be trapped in one.

She might be embarrassed about something to do with her house or husband? Are you so close that you can take openly about absolutely anything? Ask her outright if one of the above is the case?

AChickenCalledDaal · 01/05/2021 18:26

Putting a more positive spin on a common theme, possibly her husband just really hates having people he doesn't know in his house. That doesn't necessarily mean he's abusive or unpleasant. He might just be really quiet/introverted/overworked.

EileenGC · 01/05/2021 18:34

@AChickenCalledDaal

Putting a more positive spin on a common theme, possibly her husband just really hates having people he doesn't know in his house. That doesn't necessarily mean he's abusive or unpleasant. He might just be really quiet/introverted/overworked.
Or that! Sorry my post did sound quite negative 😅
diddlediddle · 01/05/2021 18:36

Just ask her what the reason is...? (Sensitively)

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/05/2021 18:39

Several possibilities sprung to my mind:

  1. She wants you to host because she can't be arsed. Happy for her kids to trash your place, not willing to risk your kids trashing hers. But, that would not account for her refusals to meet outside both your homes.
  1. She doesn't want you seeing a home that she is ashamed of for some reason. Messy, small, not an Instagram showhome - she just doesn't want you to see how she lives. However, you also say "... when it was her mums house and she rushed me even though she was a long distance away" so that reason shouldn't apply when it's her mum's house.
  1. She's an arse who likes the feeling of power from getting her own way, particularly when the person she's pushing around clearly does not want to do it. Nothing in your posts suggests that cannot be the reason.
  1. Her husband is abusive and has forbidden she have any visitors to the house, and/or he makes a total prick of himself should she have visitors and she is ashamed of him. That would account for him never accompanying her to events; abusive - he refuses, an embarrassment, she never invites him.

I'm leaning towards option 3 - she's an arse. The reason for that is this - "I keep asking her to meet in a shopping centre because quite honestly having her over is quite a hassle since DH works from home and I have to ask him to work outside as we have little kids.. but she keeps asking me whether he would work outside for the day so she can visit."

Until you mentioned this I was leaning to abusive/embarrassing husband, but her wanting him to work outside means she gets two people dancing to her tune, not just one. Ahh, the power! And it would chime with her rushing you at her mum's. And refusing to meet outside.

I would suggest you put these possibilities to her and ask which one it is. Yes it would be rude and probably end the friendship, but she is being VERY rude to you and she's not your friend - just someone you have a shared history with.

Speaking of history - "I know these formalities are petty but there is a bit of history and I’m just trying to get my head around things" - would you care to expand on what that history is?

Howshouldibehave · 01/05/2021 18:42

Yes, she could be married to a twat or be embarrassed about her house but that doesn’t explain why she refuses to meet up in a park! It would piss me off always having to be the host! Does she bring food/drink?

I would have to ask what the problem was! I certainly wouldn’t be telling my DH to work in the garden so she could get her own way!

Is she coming to you for in sleepovers often? That’s quite usual behaviour for teens but I’d say unusual for people with young kids.

HilaryBriss · 01/05/2021 18:44

Just ask "why can't we meet at yours for a change?. Why have I never met your husband?" and see what she says.

Howshouldibehave · 01/05/2021 18:45

@WhereYouLeftIt

Several possibilities sprung to my mind:
  1. She wants you to host because she can't be arsed. Happy for her kids to trash your place, not willing to risk your kids trashing hers. But, that would not account for her refusals to meet outside both your homes.
  1. She doesn't want you seeing a home that she is ashamed of for some reason. Messy, small, not an Instagram showhome - she just doesn't want you to see how she lives. However, you also say "... when it was her mums house and she rushed me even though she was a long distance away" so that reason shouldn't apply when it's her mum's house.
  1. She's an arse who likes the feeling of power from getting her own way, particularly when the person she's pushing around clearly does not want to do it. Nothing in your posts suggests that cannot be the reason.
  1. Her husband is abusive and has forbidden she have any visitors to the house, and/or he makes a total prick of himself should she have visitors and she is ashamed of him. That would account for him never accompanying her to events; abusive - he refuses, an embarrassment, she never invites him.

I'm leaning towards option 3 - she's an arse. The reason for that is this - "I keep asking her to meet in a shopping centre because quite honestly having her over is quite a hassle since DH works from home and I have to ask him to work outside as we have little kids.. but she keeps asking me whether he would work outside for the day so she can visit."

Until you mentioned this I was leaning to abusive/embarrassing husband, but her wanting him to work outside means she gets two people dancing to her tune, not just one. Ahh, the power! And it would chime with her rushing you at her mum's. And refusing to meet outside.

I would suggest you put these possibilities to her and ask which one it is. Yes it would be rude and probably end the friendship, but she is being VERY rude to you and she's not your friend - just someone you have a shared history with.

Speaking of history - "I know these formalities are petty but there is a bit of history and I’m just trying to get my head around things" - would you care to expand on what that history is?

It could quite easily be 1 (your first 1!) as she might prefer the OP to host than having to sort dishing food and drink out to her kids herself which she’d have to do in a park.
Swipe left for the next trending thread