Page 2 | If someone never invites you ?

Skysblue · 01/05/2021 18:45

Something weird is going on but we can’t tell what it is from here. My guess is either she has some kind of terrible problem at home she is concealing from you, or mental health issues, or she’s v v selfish and prefers not to have guests at her place because of the extra work. The last one doesn’t explain why she can’t meet halfway though.

Asking for DH to work in the garden is v odd behaviour because most people would know that’s not on.

I can’t tell you what’s going on with her but Ican say something here is not right.

Welshgal85 · 01/05/2021 18:47

It definitely sounds like something else is going on with her, could you just talk to her about it next time you see her? Bring it up in a sensitive way but I think you do need to talk about it and let her know that you do want to see her and value her friendship (if you still do) but you don’t understand why she isn’t willing to meet anywhere else.

It does seem strange that you’ve never met her husband despite knowing her for so long so it does seem like there may be an issue with him. Though not sure why she doesn’t want to meet in other places unless she is worried he would see her and she has told him she is somewhere else?

Howshouldibehave · 01/05/2021 18:48

v v selfish and prefers not to have guests at her place because of the extra work. The last one doesn’t explain why she can’t meet halfway though

I think it does though. A very selfish person might prefer to sit on their arse in someone else’s house being served endless cups of tea and lunch rather than have to be 50% responsible for bringing and clearing away food and drink.

Exhausted4ever · 01/05/2021 18:52

I wouldn't be inclined to think it's to do with the husband or the house, simply as she won't meet up outside either. It sounds more like she just cba and likes to be hosted

Ninibest · 01/05/2021 19:01

Maybe she have problem with her husband or her house is dirt and she is embarrassed of it. But if you are really friends she have to be open with you, is not fair you are the only one hosting her.

Dee1975 · 01/05/2021 19:05

Sounds like her DH doesn’t want people over / in the house. My Dh is the same (although he will allow some in ... sometimes!) We’ve had issues in the past with others people’s children breaking stuff and not abiding by (what I would call) simple rules. (No jumping on sofas for example). Not suggesting your children would break stuff. But maybe Dh just won’t allow it. So your former is I. An awkward position. You maybe she is ashamed of her house?

funkythighcollector · 01/05/2021 19:06

If she stays over every time she visits, she might be avoiding sleeping at home. If you meet at the park or halfway, then she would have to go home instead of staying over.

Porcupineintherough · 01/05/2021 19:21

Could be her dh, she might be ashamed of her house but chances are she's just lazy and likes you making all the effort.

DeusEx · 01/05/2021 19:25

Have you asked her? And how close do you live to each other?

RebelByLight · 01/05/2021 19:28

Maybe her husband will only let her go out to a friends house rather than "out". And you're on his "ok to visit" list.

Jumpingintosummer · 01/05/2021 19:43

Does she bring lunch/treat to a take away etc?
Is she perhaps skint and embarrassed?
Her DH could be controlling.
Sadly you will never know unless she opens up to you.

butterpuffed · 01/05/2021 19:47

It does sound like she has a husband problem but on the other hand, she's asked if OP's DH could go out for the day if she comes to visit. It all sounds very odd

suspiria777 · 02/05/2021 12:58

@DeepThinkingGirl

Hi!

I have a long term friend. We used to sleep over at each other’s houses etc when we were teens.

Then we sort of drifted apart and reconnected after we both married And started to ttc.

I thought it was like old times so I invited her over to mine few times. She is always keen to meet up but wants it to be at my place.. I’ve had less than ideal condition but she always insisted to make it in my place. I often suggested to meet outdoors but she insists she is more comfortable in houses (we have little ones)..

However, never once has she accepted when I suggest I want to come visit her place. The only time she accepted was when it was her mums house and she rushed me even though she was a long distance away.

I’m not fussed about people not inviting me. But she makes a huge fuss about how she doesn’t want to meet in a middle location and how she has so much fun in my house and likes sleep overs.

She also never accepted to come with her husband to any family events and showed up alone. I haven’t met her husband at all even though she is quite friendly to mine.

I thought it might be insecurity but I just find it so strange and starting to question the friendship.

AIBU to find this all so odd? If you insist to sleep over at someone’s house the least you could do is be welcoming ? Otherwise don’t insist to visit when it’s not reciprocated?

I know these formalities are petty but there is a bit of history and I’m just trying to get my head around things

Didn't you meet her husband at her wedding?

Original poster

DeepThinkingGirl · 02/05/2021 13:51

suspiria777

I did. I was a bridesmaid and quite involved in the whole thing. But when I went to say hello to them as a couple, he nodded and then she pulled him away and said they had to do something :S. Never a proper formal introduction. so I got to say hi but absolutely didn’t introduce myself or hear anything from him.

It doesn’t bother me at but it’s a strong contrast from how she expects DH to behave with her despite him finding it awkward and how much she expects to be part of our personal lives and space. She had told me when she first got married “I would like to keep my personal life seperate to my friendships”..

We invited her DH to our baby shower and she came and was heavily involved... but she cancelled him last minute stating that her DH doesn’t like big gatherings.

It would’ve been nice if it was mutual because honestly I miss out carefree friendship but the double standards make me very uncomfortable and question whether somethings up.

I don’t care about meeting her DH, I never did. But I feel like if there is something up wirh out friendship I would like to know before I overly invest in rekindling things.

It’s mostly the fact she doesn’t want to meet midway that confuses me. I totally respect her rights to have boundaries but I get confused about why she expects me to bend mine if she doesn’t see our friendship as “personal”.

OP posts:

Gooutdoors · 02/05/2021 14:08

Could you message and say you fancy a change of scenery from your four walls and for her to let you know when would be a good time for you to call over?

CoolCatTaco · 02/05/2021 14:23

Is she really stingy or skint? Does she ever bring food or treats with her when she comes to yours? She might be using you for free play dates & lunch which would explain the reluctance to meet at a shopping centre as she'd have to spend her own money...

MichelleScarn · 02/05/2021 14:25

doesn’t bother me at but it’s a strong contrast from how she expects DH to behave with her despite him finding it awkward and how much she expects to be part of our personal lives and space. She had told me when she first got married “I would like to keep my personal life seperate to my friendships”..totally out of the box is she still with him, or separated and now hiding this and is reason why rushed you away from her mums?

Original poster

DeepThinkingGirl · 02/05/2021 14:36

She is quite generous with treats and insists to pay for a delivery when she is over at mine. I usually insist to cook because I’m not ready to feel that my house is a teenage hang out until I get to the bottom of what’s going on.

I don’t think she left her husband as she speaks of him quite often. She’s also ttc.

She did go through a phase where she had a toxic competitive streak and was putting me down and another friend which is why I’m so weary. But she had appologised and she wasn’t always like this she had been a great friend when we were young and helped me through rough times.

OP posts:

Original poster

DeepThinkingGirl · 02/05/2021 14:48

One of the reasons I hadn’t asked outright aside from making it clear that I prefer meeting outdoors and i would like to visit her.. is that, I do wonder whether she is going through personal issues and needs space.

She did once call me crying saying she needs somewhere to sleep and she didn’t want to go to her mums as they dislike her DH. She said it wasn’t her husband but that their flat was leaking and she was having a breakdown and her parents would be too critical of her DH if they find out that he hasn’t done fixing etc..

I did feel like there is more to it so I asked DH if we could host as an urgent thing and I told her she was welcome to come. DH offered to leave the house for few days and at this point she felt guilty and said if he was going to leave then she wouldn’t come. And she sorted something else out.

God I hope it’s not a case of domestic violence. She strikes me as the confident one in the relationship. I would be shocked if it’s a case of abuse. I still don’t think so but now I’m too worried to make things harder for her jusy in case.

I just dislike that she isn’t straightforward with me . She knows a lot about my struggles.

OP posts:

Original poster

DeepThinkingGirl · 02/05/2021 14:53

I do feel like our friendship has become about me being pessured to do things out of my comfort zone.

I wouldn’t mind doing that foe a friend if it’s a case of she needs it. But I just need to know whether it’s that or it’s her being quite controlling which she used to be tbh.

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 02/05/2021 14:54

@DeepThinkingGirl

One of the reasons I hadn’t asked outright aside from making it clear that I prefer meeting outdoors and i would like to visit her.. is that, I do wonder whether she is going through personal issues and needs space.

She did once call me crying saying she needs somewhere to sleep and she didn’t want to go to her mums as they dislike her DH. She said it wasn’t her husband but that their flat was leaking and she was having a breakdown and her parents would be too critical of her DH if they find out that he hasn’t done fixing etc..

I did feel like there is more to it so I asked DH if we could host as an urgent thing and I told her she was welcome to come. DH offered to leave the house for few days and at this point she felt guilty and said if he was going to leave then she wouldn’t come. And she sorted something else out.

God I hope it’s not a case of domestic violence. She strikes me as the confident one in the relationship. I would be shocked if it’s a case of abuse. I still don’t think so but now I’m too worried to make things harder for her jusy in case.

I just dislike that she isn’t straightforward with me . She knows a lot about my struggles.

None of that explains why she refuses to meet in a park though?

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/05/2021 17:04

"It’s mostly the fact she doesn’t want to meet midway that confuses me. I totally respect her rights to have boundaries but I get confused about why she expects me to bend mine if she doesn’t see our friendship as “personal”."

"She did go through a phase where she had a toxic competitive streak and was putting me down and another friend which is why I’m so weary. But she had appologised and she wasn’t always like this she had been a great friend when we were young and helped me through rough times."

"I do feel like our friendship has become about me being pressured to do things out of my comfort zone."

And all the above support my possible explanation number 3 -

"3. She's an arse who likes the feeling of power from getting her own way, particularly when the person she's pushing around clearly does not want to do it. Nothing in your posts suggests that cannot be the reason."

The rough times she helped you through are well in the past I imagine. The toxic competitive streak less so. I'd wonder if she has morphed that streak into a toxic bossy streak.

I think you are far too forgiving of her, and that your forgiveness is grounded in who she was, not who she is now. Stop letting her pressure you. Refuse to have her round at yours, but offer meetings in parks, centres etc. Hold firm. And remember - she was your friend once, but post-drifting apart, she's now your acquaintance. A very bossy acquaintance.

Ninibest · 02/05/2021 17:10

Friendship like this is not healthy for you. Start to meet less with her

Bluntness100 · 02/05/2021 17:14

I am surprised you’re reacting as you are. My first thought would be she’s in a deeply abusive relationship, she can’t have you round because of him and she uses your home as an escape.

poppycat10 · 02/05/2021 17:19

@Bluntness100

I am surprised you’re reacting as you are. My first thought would be she’s in a deeply abusive relationship, she can’t have you round because of him and she uses your home as an escape.

That makes sense until she expects the OP's DH to work outside so she can call round. Anyone "normal" would meet the OP elsewhere so the DH can work uninterrupted. Although she could be being abused and it's skewed her thinking.

I would ask her outright OP. She'll deny it but you'll be able to tell a lot from the way she denies it.