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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Covid rules and grown up children

58 replies

ginmum · 01/05/2021 10:47

I have a dilemma with my 22 year old daughter. She lives at home with us and has a boyfriend. She really wants her boyfriend to come into our house to spend time with her. As far as I understand that's against current covid rules, and we'd be breaking the law to allow it. She's really upset with me for saying no and says it's impacting negatively on her mental health. I feel conflicted. It seems likely that on 17th May some restrictions will be lifted and that we will, hopefully, be able to welcome him into our home. She says that if I continue to say no until then she will feel long term resentment towards me. It's a recurring discussion/argument that's making for a bad atmosphere in the house. I'd really appreciate people's thoughts to help me through this. Am I being reasonable?

OP posts:
LIZS · 01/05/2021 10:52

No yanbu, your house, your place to insist on rules. Can she really not wait a couple more weeks and see him outdoors? Why is the onus on you to allow but not whoever he lives with?

legaleaglenot · 01/05/2021 10:54

I can see it from both points of view. So can’t vote.

bluebeck · 01/05/2021 10:55

If she doesn't like it she can live somewhere else - she's 22!

PatrickBatemann · 01/05/2021 10:58

OTT springs to mind.

What magically changes on the 17th of May?

PinkiOcelot · 01/05/2021 11:01

Seriously what’s the difference between now and the government’s given date of 17 May?
I would just let him in. Unless he’s been going mixing with all and sundry of course.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 01/05/2021 11:02

I hate this pedantry. 17th May is just over a fortnight away, why do people think something magical is going to happen on that specific date to make it safer? It isn’t, just let him visit. If you’re comfortable enough doing it in 2 weeks, you may as well do it now.

Schrutesbeets · 01/05/2021 11:04

So at 2355 on 16th of May you'd be well against it, but 10 minutes later you suddenly think its fine?

DenisetheMenace · 01/05/2021 11:04

They can go away for a night together in much of the UK now, I think (or is that single households only?)

Anyway, at 22 she’s perfectly at liberty to find alternative accommodation if she isn’t happy with your requirements.

TeenMinusTests · 01/05/2021 11:05

17th May isn't that far away. Wait until then.
Nothing will 'magically' happen, but rates then will be even lower than they are now, and ~ 5 million more vaccinations will have been given.

If everyone say 'well xyz are changing in 2/4/6/8 weeks, so do it now' then the whole point of the phased approach is missed.

Snoozer11 · 01/05/2021 11:05

It's your house so what you say goes.

But I think if genuinely the only reason you won't allow him over at all is because of the rules then YABU. He doesn't have to be over every night, but once a week isn't taking the piss and it'll keep your daughter happy.

MyDcAreMarvel · 01/05/2021 11:05

@ginmum would you daughter like me to message her a list of names of people whose mental health has been affected forever due to bereavement from Covid.
The youngest is a ten year old girl called she lost both her parents within 2 weeks.
She can see her boyfriend in the garden , the park , a beer garden etc etc etc. She needs to grow up .

LIZS · 01/05/2021 11:17

@DenisetheMenace

They can go away for a night together in much of the UK now, I think (or is that single households only?)

Anyway, at 22 she’s perfectly at liberty to find alternative accommodation if she isn’t happy with your requirements.

Single households/bubbles in self catering accommodation until 17th, assuming the easing continues.
Dreamer111 · 01/05/2021 11:21

Sorry but she sounds manipulative to me. She doesn't like hearing the word "no" so is saying these things to guilt you, this would make me dig my heels in even deeper. Maybe it would be better for her mental health and the health of your relationship if she got her own place.

DenisetheMenace · 01/05/2021 11:22

LIZS

Thanks!

PotterHead1985 · 01/05/2021 11:25

Your house, your rules. She doesn't like it she doesn't have to live there. It's that simple. I have no time for her manipulative whinging that she will resent you forever.

lljkk · 01/05/2021 11:25

I would let him in but I agree it's a difficult situation and can't fault OP for deciding different.

I don't think she'll resent you forever, OP.

Miasicarisatia · 01/05/2021 11:28

Surely the real problem is that it's not affordable for young adults to have their own homes, she ought to be able to live independently and conduct her own relationships without inconveniencing you.
It's very difficult to find a mutually acceptable compromise, she ought to be able to to have control over her living space but she is trapped in the position of a child because of the unaffordability of accommodation, this is bad for everyone ☹️

Flowerlane · 01/05/2021 11:34

I wouldn’t even hesitate at this point yes I would let him in.

Londontown12 · 01/05/2021 11:38

This is a tough one !
But if he is sensible and not been mixing then let him stay if u want him too that is ?
If your daughters mental health is getting bad that more important than these rules and plus some areas in Uk literally have No covid cases x

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 01/05/2021 11:54

Your house your rules. She’s old enough to move out if she doesn’t agree.

Miasicarisatia · 01/05/2021 12:04

@Allgirlskidsanddogs

Your house your rules. She’s old enough to move out if she doesn’t agree.
She is old enough to move out but few 22-year olds are financially able to afford a roof over their heads!
ElderMillennial · 01/05/2021 12:15

YANBU

This "mental health" argument is thrown up too often as an excuse to break the rules.

I don't think anything "magically" changes on 17 May but there must be some logic behind picking that date plus there will be more people who are vaccinated by that point.

SpecialchildSupermum · 01/05/2021 12:16

She can see her boyfriend in lots of different places now. Parks, pub gardens, your garden if you have one. And what about where he lives? I don’t allow my grown up kids to try to manipulate me into doing things I don’t want to. After all, you are only following Government rules. And it’s your own business how you implement it in your own home.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/05/2021 12:17

She says that if I continue to say no until then she will feel long term resentment towards me

So she wants you to break the law or she’ll be resentful. I’d tell her to be resentful then.

She can see him outdoors if she needs to for mental health reasons although I suspect that won’t be good enough so would question the mental health quote.

Abraxan · 01/05/2021 12:25

We let 19y Dd continue to see her boyfriend at our house from last summer, including staying over.
We also have let Dd come back to stay at ours as much as she wished once she went to university last October.

There was no way we weren't allowing Dd to visit her family home.

Likewise we didn't feel it was fair that just because she and her boyfriend didn't live on their own they weren't allowed to see one another without SDing for so long.

We haven't publicised the fact and it's not mentioned on social media etc. But we decided that we were happy to accept any potential risk (in cv as is DD's boyfriend) to ourselves for them to be able to continue their relationship.