Covid rules and grown up children

[ginmum]

I have a dilemma with my 22 year old daughter. She lives at home with us and has a boyfriend. She really wants her boyfriend to come into our house to spend time with her. As far as I understand that's against current covid rules, and we'd be breaking the law to allow it. She's really upset with me for saying no and says it's impacting negatively on her mental health. I feel conflicted. It seems likely that on 17th May some restrictions will be lifted and that we will, hopefully, be able to welcome him into our home. She says that if I continue to say no until then she will feel long term resentment towards me. It's a recurring discussion/argument that's making for a bad atmosphere in the house. I'd really appreciate people's thoughts to help me through this. Am I being reasonable?

It's a tricky one - the rules re contradictory. It has been pointed out that they could go away to a cottage somewhere and be together legally - but he can't come to your house. No logic there at all. There's no magical change from the 16th to the 17th of May as said upthread.

Ultimately it's your decision, and the emotional blackmail your DD is using is unpleasant. But my DD2 has had her GF over twice (they're both 18) - they sit next to each other for hours at school and test twice a week. I'm fully vaccinated. Realistically there's no risk there, but it's against the rules. I don't give a stuff.

Exactly. It’s all been perfectly manageable for 40 year old me with my husband in the same house, our own home and garden in the countryside, a secure job where I can work from home and home school and no life interruption beyond no shopping or holidays and social distancing from strangers.

However my 20 year old son has lost his job due to pandemic closure, had multiple driving tests cancelled and is stuck in the country away from his gf and friends with no car to get anywhere. Stuck in limbo not knowing what to do about job or education.
It’s bloody crap and lonely. Housing is not affordable for these groups and as his parent I wouldn’t want him to throw money down the drain renting before he has had a chance to start any career or even find a full time job when he can still live here. He spent some long weeks at his girlfriends in the harshest lockdowns as her mother also recognised how harsh it was to keep people apart.
but now I just use a bit of discretion and he goes and visits her a few times a week

That’s not forgetting the old folks in care homes basically kept as prisoners. It’s becoming unacceptable as a society to treat people like this for such a prolonged period.

@ginmum isn’t there a compromise here? He can come to your house but only with a negative COVID test? Daughter happy, minimal chance of causing spread. It’s not fair of her to act like a much younger teen, but if you’re keen to keep the peace could be an option 👍

www.gov.uk/order-coronavirus-rapid-lateral-flow-tests

Having these in the house might give you some peace of mind

@MusicMenu

I love the way MN's solution to any issue with just adult children is to insist they move out. Can anyone really imagine chucking out their own DC over minor disagreements? I'm going to guess those posters' children are still very young.

Shouldn't have to be chucked out. As an annoying teenager myself I wasn't happy living under my parents roof and their rules so I got my own rented place at 18 rather than ruin our relationship. So you either respect your parents providing a roof over your head and cooperate with their house rules or get a place of your own and pay your own way.

So you either respect your parents providing a roof over your head and cooperate with their house rules or get a place of your own and pay your own way.

So at what point does it stop being the 'annoying teenager's' home? My parents have always been lovely and reasonable. Sadly lots of other people don't seem to be able to have reasonable 'rules' for their children. It was always made clear to me that it was my home too. They never had 'rules' as far as I remember- given at 18 I was an adult (moved out at 21). They respected me and I respected them. Never had crazy house parties, didn't come stumbling home making loads of noise on too many occasions, they'd go on holiday and the house would be tidier then when they left! I paid them rent money too, not loads but happily paid what was asked.

Isn't that how it works, and works well? Mutual respect? There's no way I would want young adult children of mine to be lonely, miserable and struggling. @blubberyboo has very clearly described how crap it has been for her son. Like I said, it's one thing not going to a packed stadium or nightclub for a year but to ban someone from coming within two metres of their partner? I could not- would not- do that to my child. It's beyond what is reasonable.

It's been a crap year for a lot of people (probably almost everyone) for various reasons not just young people. As a law abiding citizen I wouldn't be breaking laws because I was manipulated to do so by my DC no matter what age they are. As I say they can feel free to get their own place and do whatever they want under their own roof.

Thanks everyone, this has been super helpful. We've decided to offer a compromise. The immunity from our recent vaccinations should have kicked in by next weekend, so not only will we be less likely to pick up covid, we'll also be much less likely to pass it on to anyone else so it feels socially responsible to welcome my daughter's boyfriend into our house from then. I hope by doing that she will see that we understand her feelings while continuing to try to do the right thing, for us and others. Thanks for helping us navigate our way through.