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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Covid rules and grown up children

58 replies

ginmum · 01/05/2021 10:47

I have a dilemma with my 22 year old daughter. She lives at home with us and has a boyfriend. She really wants her boyfriend to come into our house to spend time with her. As far as I understand that's against current covid rules, and we'd be breaking the law to allow it. She's really upset with me for saying no and says it's impacting negatively on her mental health. I feel conflicted. It seems likely that on 17th May some restrictions will be lifted and that we will, hopefully, be able to welcome him into our home. She says that if I continue to say no until then she will feel long term resentment towards me. It's a recurring discussion/argument that's making for a bad atmosphere in the house. I'd really appreciate people's thoughts to help me through this. Am I being reasonable?

OP posts:

PricklesAndSpikes · 01/05/2021 12:32

Why can't she go to his house and visit there?

I'm a bit torn really, I'd probably let him come, but if she started threatening me with "resenting me forever" then on principal I'd be saying no for being such a manipulative drama queen. She can see him as much as she likes outdoors it's not as though they can't see each other. And it's only another couple of weeks, how have they managed so far?!

Original poster

ginmum · 01/05/2021 15:32

Thanks everyone, it's so helpful to see this range of views.

OP posts:

Moondust001 · 01/05/2021 15:38

Is 2 old enough to have a boyfriend? Because with behaviour like that 22 must be a typo! Even if it was allowed, it's your house, your rules, and she can move out if she doesn't like them.

Not getting my own way always has a negative impact on my mental health, but at 63 I have learned that nobody gives a shit about tantrums. She has some life lessons to learn if she thinks this is the way adults act.

alliejay81 · 01/05/2021 15:49

To PPs spouting about the nothing magical happening on the 17th. It might not be magical, but something important WILL happen at midnight on the 17th. It will no longer be against the law to have a small number of people visit your home. Not wanting to break the law is a valid life choice!

Your daughter is 22, she's an adult and could choose to live elsewhere. If she lived with housemates and they didn't want her BF to come inside then she wouldn't be able to resort to emotional blackmail. The reality is, if even one person in a shared living situation (family or housemates) isn't comfortable with breaking the rules then that needs to be respected.

That said, I do feel for people who can't meet up with their partners, I do think the government could've done something to support this group.

EL8888 · 01/05/2021 15:51

If she doesn’t want to follow the rules of the house then she can move out. She doesn’t have to live with you. As my mum would say to me: my house, my rules

Thatswatshesaid · 01/05/2021 15:56

If she has stick to it so far I thinks he’s done well. Who does he live with?

MusicMenu · 01/05/2021 15:59

I think I'd probably have agreed, subject to some hygiene rules, but I absolutely wouldn't give in now she's tried the emotional blackmail with the resentment line.

blubberyboo · 01/05/2021 16:03

The pandemic rules have been very unfair to parts of society such as the very old and the very young ie those young adults still living at home. It has been awful for their ability to carry on relationships for the past year.
If you are comfortable his own family bubble isn’t very widespread I would probably let him visit.
Get some rapid flow tests before he arrives

YellowGlasses · 01/05/2021 16:05

Suggest to her she is welcome to have her boyfriend stay over every night at her new place that you assume she will be moving into this afternoon.

YellowGlasses · 01/05/2021 16:06

And point out the long term resentment you will feel against her if you are fined or go to jail. Obviously both unlikely but she is an adult and a selfish one at that so needs to understand others’ perspectives.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 01/05/2021 16:07

I can see both sides of this.

Yes, it's your home and she shouldn't have visitors if it makes you uncomfortable, but if they're seeing each other anyway, what difference does it realistically make if they share a bed too?

Personally, it's not an argument I'd have with a grown adult, but I've seen people indoors for a while now anyway.

NailsNeedDoing · 01/05/2021 16:11

She’s an adult, if she were in a position to able to live alone, she’d be allowed contact with her boyfriend.

Sometimes in life there are grey areas, and applying the covid laws to every possible situation is one of them. We have easy access to testing now, why can’t you compromise and let him stay if you’ve all tested negative?

MusicMenu · 01/05/2021 16:11

I love the way MN's solution to any issue with just adult children is to insist they move out. Can anyone really imagine chucking out their own DC over minor disagreements? I'm going to guess those posters' children are still very young.

YellowGlasses · 01/05/2021 16:14

@MusicMenu

It’s about being respectful and having an adult conversation. If an adult child is being manipulative by threatening to resent their parent forever because they won’t break the law for them, sometimes it’s a case of making sure they realise they can act as they wish but to do so they need to be in a situation where they get to make that decision. I’d say exactly the same thing to someone who was lodging because it’s not their house or rules.

MusicMenu · 01/05/2021 16:15

Oh I agree and I said up thread I wouldn't give in to the attempt at emotional manipulation, but no one's going to put their DC on the street over it.

NailsNeedDoing · 01/05/2021 16:19

She’s being honest about her feelings, not being disrespectful, or manipulative, or acting like a two year old.

I think I’d start to feel resentful too if the only thing stopping me from having a normal relationship with my partner was my mothers evangelical response to a law that doesn’t make sense, will expire in a couple of weeks, and is mostly being ignored by the majority.

YellowGlasses · 01/05/2021 16:19

I don’t see anyone saying to put child out onto the street but nothing wrong with telling them they need to move out (plenty of alternatives to the street; such as boyfriend’s home, hotel, rent, even buy in the longer term) if they want to dictate the rules of the household.

katy1213 · 01/05/2021 16:24

I'd be feeling longterm resentment at having a 22-year-old telling me what to do in my own home. (Can't imagine having the cheek to tell my mother that it was bad for my mental health to go without shagging for two weeks!)

ilovesooty · 01/05/2021 16:25

If you don't want to allow it you don't have to.

I think I'd be even less inclined to accommodate what she wants given her manipulation and sulking.

muddyford · 01/05/2021 16:25

Tell her the boyfriend can come, as long as the two of them pay any fine that arises. It's only another two weeks until it's legal and many of us haven't seen family this year. The law may be stupid but it's still there, along with the draconian penalty for being caught.

YonWeeLassie · 01/05/2021 16:28

@blubberyboo

The pandemic rules have been very unfair to parts of society such as the very old and the very young ie those young adults still living at home. It has been awful for their ability to carry on relationships for the past year. If you are comfortable his own family bubble isn’t very widespread I would probably let him visit. Get some rapid flow tests before he arrives

This.

Time to apply a bit of common sense.

TimeForLunch · 01/05/2021 16:35

I'd have let him visit long before now but it's your house so you get to decide. I can see why she might feel resentful now but I'm sure it will wear off pretty quickly!

Chloemol · 01/05/2021 16:35

YANBU. Your house, it’s good to see you keeping to the rules

Tell her if she feels that resentful she is welcome to find her own place then she can do as she wishes

In the meantime she follows the rules. Wh6 can’t she see him outside?

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 01/05/2021 16:44

@blubberyboo

The pandemic rules have been very unfair to parts of society such as the very old and the very young ie those young adults still living at home. It has been awful for their ability to carry on relationships for the past year. If you are comfortable his own family bubble isn’t very widespread I would probably let him visit. Get some rapid flow tests before he arrives

@blubberyboo well said.

If my children live with me at 22 it will be their home as much as mine- if they were respectful of me I would want to be respectful of them and their relationships too. And I've felt all throughout this pandemic that stopping people from continuing their relationships goes well beyond what is reasonable to ask people to do. It's one thing distancing from strangers and even platonic friends, it's one thing not being able to go to Glastonbury or a football match but forbidding close contact with a partner? Disgraceful. I would never want to insist on such ridiculous rules being followed by my adult children. Too fucking easy for many on here with their happy family set ups, married, in relationships (and probably able to buy houses when it was far more affordable than for anyone who is now 22 will ever find it) to criticise OP's daughter.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 01/05/2021 16:54

I've been allowing my 20 year old to have his gf round for the last 3 weeks . Cases are super low here and it's not like things will be magically any different on 17th May.

However it's your house and you know your family's risk factors so it is up to you. My kids are at school and have had part-time jobs through the pandemic so they might have even had it already.

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