To be mad at new man for kissing me with a cold sore?.

[capturingdaydreams]

I kissed him hello and only then noticed it. It's at the scabbed over stage so he says it's not infectious anymore (internet says differently) and he didn't think it would be an issue as none of his exes have ever got one. I told him it would've been nice if he'd given me a choice. Feels like a completely selfish thing to do. Also what are the chances of me getting infected??

My DP told me when we were first together that cold sores weren't infectious once they'd scabbed over, he was touching it and we were about to have sex, so I asked him to wash his hands first and he got very offended and tried to make me feel shitty about it. I think he (& your man here) was confusing it with chicken pox - that stops being infectious after the last one has scabbed over rather than actually just lying about it.

I asked on here about it and whether I was being unreasonable asking him to wash his hands and put a patch on it. Most people agreed that it was thoughtless and some even suggested he was trying to make me catch them, which I honestly don't believe. But it was symptomatic of someone who thinks they're always right. As it happens he's always very careful now whenever he even feels a tingle starting. And I still haven't had one in many years, so either I'm immune (none of my family ever had them) or we're just very careful.

I understand why he didn't like being pulled up on it, but it has been a constant theme of him getting angry and defensive whenever I bring up anything that makes him look/feel bad.

And him telling me as an absolute certainty something that I KNEW wasn't true was particularly distressing. It sounds like this chap might have a similar outlook - he'll tell you something and if you don't believe it then you'll end up in a massive argument. Think carefully about how many incidents like this there are and whether the good outweighs this stuff.

@capturingdaydreams

Also I had an ex who got them. Was never an issue. We just didn't kiss when he had one. I'm upset that he never gave me that choice.

You know that thing about when people show you who they are, believe them?

Wish I'd trusted myself with that.

We all have our own standards, and take our own precautions, with health. Those telling you to lower yours or have none are as out of line as he was, in my view.

I understand why he didn't like being pulled up on it, but it has been a constant theme of him getting angry and defensive whenever I bring up anything that makes him look/feel bad.

Yes, @PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair. This is what worries me. That he became defensive and tried to down play it all instead of taking my concern seriously. Does make me wonder if he will be like this for future arguments.

I’d be furious. Everyone knows cold sores are contagious and they are really unpleasant (and painful!) I get them and me and OH are super careful but we’ve been together 10 years now and have slipped up now and again. His whole family get them, except him. I’m 1000% certain he has the virus but I don’t think it should change how cautious you should be with an active sore. I wouldn’t want to kiss someone with a cold sore at any stage!!

Does make me wonder if he will be like this for future arguments

If it’s any help, in my case this is exactly it. His first response is defensiveness, then he turns in back onto me, for my tone of voice, or the timing of my request, or the fact that he “knew I was looking for an argument” and just happen to have chosen this (whatever it may be) as the hill to die on. It’s exhausting!! It’s taken many years for him to finally get that in check and he’s much better now, but it has caused some horrendous arguments over the years for something as small as “could you pick that up and put it in the bin please instead of dropping it on the floor”. Cue rant about talking to him like I’m his mother, why do I have to be such a bitch etc It’s eroded a lot of respect on my side and I’m sure he feels very hard done by too.

As this is new I’d take it as a red flag and run personally. Mine didn’t show his true colours for a couple of years so it was harder to walk away.

@littlepattilou your friends colleague had a conversation at work about her 18 year old daughter having oral sex and getting herpes?!! Yeh righto!!

My life was blighted by cold sores when I was younger. Did that make me undateable? Good to know.

I’ve never passed it on to anyone. Been with my husband for years. Never passed it to him.

Some people on here are just bloody ridiculous.

I get cold sores at least once a month. They make me really ill for a week before the sore shows up (flu symptoms, fatigue, swollen glands etc) and make my life so miserable that I now have to take Acyclovir every day to keep them at bay, and will have to do so for the rest of my life

I am SO careful not to pass them on. I won’t let my husband kiss me until the scab has completely healed and disappeared. I would hate for anyone else to be as ill with them as I am. It’s so cavalier of your new man to not tell you. He absolutely should have done.

Also, your man needs to educate himself about neonatal herpes (cold sores which kill newborn babies). Our friend’s baby died after being infected with the cold sore virus at less than a week old.
The Kit Tarka Foundation raise awareness if you want more details. I stay well clear of babies after learning about this. He should too. www.kittarkafoundation.org/