To be mad at new man for kissing me with a cold sore?.

[capturingdaydreams]

I kissed him hello and only then noticed it. It's at the scabbed over stage so he says it's not infectious anymore (internet says differently) and he didn't think it would be an issue as none of his exes have ever got one. I told him it would've been nice if he'd given me a choice. Feels like a completely selfish thing to do. Also what are the chances of me getting infected??

@KaleSlayer I have been Googling like crazy and I do know most of the population has the virus, it just may be dormant or you're symptomless. But there is a chance of passing it on from mouth to genitals which freaks me out. I think it's more that he's shown himself to not be very vigilant about passing him on so how can I trust him to let me know when he has a cold sore coming on before one shows? As I've read you get a tingle before it arrives.

I don’t always get the tingle beforehand, in fact it’s rare that I do. My partner has never had a coldsore despite us being together for over 20 years.
Being as most people have the virus, most don’t have genital herpes, so try not to stress too much.

Obviously if you feel you can’t trust him and he’s not considerate, then you should end things. But if he’s a good egg, just tell him that you want him to let you know in future and you expect him to be careful with towels, cups etc. I know it feels like a big thing at the moment, but it’s not. When I get a coldsore, it’s a minor inconvenience at most and probably the same for others.
Hope you’re ok though.

I have cold sores. With exs whether they got them or not I would not kiss them. Totally unacceptable.

@jellybeans44

@ShirleyPhallus This could absolutely be true it happened to my best friend and the guy didn't even have an active cold sore at the time.

Of course it's true, as a number of posters have since confirmed. You CAN get genital herpes from someone with a cold sore giving you oral sex, (whether the cold sore is 'active' or 'dormant!)

Some people are pretty obtuse and badly educated if they think this couldn't happen.

@shirleyphallus Educate yourself. FFS. And do it before you ever have sex with anyone again, because your knowledge is clearly very limited.

I have cold sores, I also have genital herpes. Before I slept with my partner I told him I had cold sores and I also started acyclovir to suppress them as I was getting them a lot, I never get them now.

I gave him a choice as to whether or not he wanted to continue the relationship. The decent thing to do is to tell someone before and give them a choice. I was scared he would walk away. He said he loved me and didn't care. He did his own research and found it was extremely common.

Reader, I married him.

Very glad to hear that @AvocadoBathroom. I did date someone who got cold sore. It was never an issue as he told me when he had one and we just didn't kiss. I guess I didn't do any research back then as I don't think I ever worried about getting oral from him.

Thanks for all your reassuring messages @KaleSlayer. I am a naturally anxious person which doesn't help.

No problem. I can tell you’re very anxious about this.
It’s even more important that you have a partner who is considerate and thoughtful if you’re an anxious person in general. You need a partner who reassures you but also helps you to work out what is a ‘normal’ level of worry and what is your anxiety overwhelming you.

I’ve definitely been there with the anxiety over other things so I sympathise. Anxiety is bloody awful.

I would be annoyed too OP. He shouldn't have kissed you when he knows he has a cold sore.

[quote littlepattilou]@jellybeans44

@ShirleyPhallus This could absolutely be true it happened to my best friend and the guy didn't even have an active cold sore at the time.

Of course it's true, as a number of posters have since confirmed. You CAN get genital herpes from someone with a cold sore giving you oral sex, (whether the cold sore is 'active' or 'dormant!)

Some people are pretty obtuse and badly educated if they think this couldn't happen.

@shirleyphallus Educate yourself. FFS. And do it before you ever have sex with anyone again, because your knowledge is clearly very limited.[/quote]
what a fucking patronising post considering that you misread the bit I was disbelieving of. Of course it can happen, I was just pointing out the tenuous “someone who goes to my brother’s neighbour’s cat’s boss’s church told me they heard something about....” link.

Educate yourself. FFS. And don’t reply to anyone again, because your understanding is clearly very limited.

Who cares about the tenuous link?! That only makes sense if you don’t believe the story being told could have happened.

The tenuousness of the link os just hilarious though. And it was 10 years ago!

For what it's worth, I'd feel the same way as you OP and I get cold sores. He should have warned you and then not dismissed your concerns. Not a keeper I don't think and not be he gets cold sores but because he has so little regard for your concerns about it.

Ditch him that’s absolutely disgusting what he’s done. It’s not the fact he’s got one it’s the fact he’s hidden it. You have every right to protect yourself and he’s broken it. I’d dump immediately

@JeanClaudeVanDammit

I don't think I would date someone with coldsores because I'm not spending my time trying not to catch something off my partner.

Good luck with dating someone who you can confirm doesn’t carry the herpes virus, since that only leaves you with about 1/3 of the adult population to choose from.

OP no, he shouldn’t have kissed you with a coldsore, that was unfair of him. I think some of the reactions here are a bit hyperbolic though.

Well, seeing as that means, assuming heterosexuality and not being too picky about age or location, I've got at least 38 million men to choose from for a start - all vaccinated against Covid, too - I don't think that's too much of a narrowing of the dating pool.

he says I've already kissed him now so it's too late anyway

If that is a sample of the way he will be dealing with your disappointments in the future, getting herpes is the least of your problems...

I technically carry the Herpes virus, never ever actually get them, I only know because I had one once and it was picked up when being tested post rape.

It’s estimated the majority of the population carry the virus orally and around 25% genitally, rising to over 50% in women over 40. Most people carry it asymptomatically, and it can be passed asymptomatically.

So @NeverDropYourMoonCup you probably already have it. But continue to make those of us who KNOW we have it feel dirty and undateable, makes you a wonderful human.

OP having said that, it’s not nice to kiss someone with an active coldsore regardless of wether you already have it or not, he was completely unreasonable.

@Sstrongtn

I technically carry the Herpes virus, never ever actually get them, I only know because I had one once and it was picked up when being tested post rape.

It’s estimated the majority of the population carry the virus orally and around 25% genitally, rising to over 50% in women over 40. Most people carry it asymptomatically, and it can be passed asymptomatically.

So @NeverDropYourMoonCup you probably already have it. But continue to make those of us who KNOW we have it feel dirty and undateable, makes you a wonderful human.

OP having said that, it’s not nice to kiss someone with an active coldsore regardless of wether you already have it or not, he was completely unreasonable.

I have to get emergency prescriptions for antiviral medication if I come into contact with it, thanks to a) being on medication that affects my immune system and b) selfish twats who think 'it's only a cold sore' and it's mean of me not to want to risk severe complications. The medical advice is I may well have come into contact with it before, but the risk is just as severe irrespective.

The exMIL was similarly enraged that I was a horrible person when I refused point blank to let her kiss her newborn granddaughter's eyelashes when liberally covered with the things. 'Only herpes', apparently. Only my baby's fucking eyes, as well.

My comment was because of the ridiculous assertion that it's nigh on impossible to find somebody who hasn't got it when mathematically, using the stats given, halving the population to allow for sex and using the numbers of covid vaccinated to easily reckon they were mostly above 30/40 still gives millions of adult males who aren't carriers.

I don't think it's unclean or makes anybody undateable. But it does make them an active infection risk and to dismiss that as 'oh well, everybody's got it and you'll have to remain single forever if you aren't keen on somebody consciously placing virus carrying fluids on you without your consent, as you're just too fussy', well, that does indicate the carrier is a less than responsible or caring person.

@Sstrongtn I'm really sorry that you were raped and it's 100% not OK for anyone to make people carrying the herpes virus feel dirty and undateable.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup just saw your most recent message and how this is not what you meant to imply!

My comment was because of the ridiculous assertion that it's nigh on impossible to find somebody who hasn't got it when mathematically, using the stats given, halving the population to allow for sex and using the numbers of covid vaccinated to easily reckon they were mostly above 30/40 still gives millions of adult males who aren't carriers.

I didn’t suggest it was mathematically impossible, merely that you were reducing your available dating pool by 2/3. And given that most people don’t know whether they carry the virus or not, and only know if they do rather than don’t (as it’s not something routinely tested for) it’s far fewer than that.

The ridiculous notion is yours - that you’d know whether or not someone is a carrier of the virus unless they had visible signs in the form of cold sores, which most people don’t.

OK, you've misinterpreted irritation at crappy suggestions implied from a lack of understanding of scale/magnitude. Fair enough.

As you were, then.

I get them. No past bfs ever have.

OP he’s been a little dismissive because it’s never affected his life before. It’s not necessarily right but it doesn’t automatically make him a nasty person who doesn’t give a fuck who he infects. He just sounds ill informed and naive if anything

But you don’t seem ok with the whole thing. For me it wouldn’t bother me. I wouldn’t actively snog the face off a man with a coldsore but it wouldn’t enter my head that I shouldn’t date him. But you are anxious and it seems a bit deal - it’s quite unfair on him really isn’t it. Who wants a partner who thinks they are dirty and infectious?

I do think he was unreasonable by not being educated about his own situation but I think you’ve got such anxiety over the whole thing (Googling like “mad” and panicking) that it would be better for both of you to just end it.

For those PPs who are full of “ewwwww’s” and calling people with herpes disgusting and all the other vile comments - I hope you wouldn’t kick your partners of children out if they came home with a coldsore??? Plenty of people carry them and never show or can go years without an episode - what if your teenage daughter catches one from a boyfriend? You’re going to call her disgusting and gross.
People are fucking awful. I’d rather have herpes than the mindset of some of the arseholes on his thread tbh

I don't think he's dirty @Ohpulltheotherone but they are infectious - it's just a scientific fact! And I was Googling like crazy as i know nothing about them and I obviously couldn't rely on him to tell me the correct info.

For God’s sake, 80% of adults carry the herpes virus, a lot without realising it. Saying ‘’ewww dump him’’ and ‘’I wouldn’t date anyone with coldsores’’ is not only childish but it’s ignorant and narrows your dating pool massively. I’d be very surprised if most of you on this thread aren’t already carriers.

No he shouldn’t have done it but get a grip and a bit of perspective here.

@AndroidsAliensAndWizards

I get cold sores. I kiss nobody when from the moment a hint of a tingle starts, I get maybe one a year. No kissing friends and family hello, no kissing dh and Im extra careful about suing my own mug etc. My dh of 20+ years has never had one.

If someone went to greet me with a kiss on the very rare chance they hadn't seen the scab I would turn my face away from them to stop them but that's never happened because I doubt many people would be happy to have an infectious active cold sore directly placed on their face, wether it's a partner or not. I'd assume someone coming to kiss me hadn't seen it and I would stop them.

Exactly this. 30 years in with one getting them and one never. Just manage it exactly like this and you are fine. The issue is how others have said about the informed choice and consent. The attitude is the big problem here.