Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at new man for kissing me with a cold sore?.

82 replies

capturingdaydreams · 30/04/2021 21:35

I kissed him hello and only then noticed it. It's at the scabbed over stage so he says it's not infectious anymore (internet says differently) and he didn't think it would be an issue as none of his exes have ever got one. I told him it would've been nice if he'd given me a choice. Feels like a completely selfish thing to do. Also what are the chances of me getting infected??

OP posts:
KaleSlayer · 01/05/2021 05:09

I think he should have told you and shouldn’t have kissed you without you saying you were ok with it.
But, the majority of people have the virus, many just don’t show the symptoms, so it’s quite likely you already have it. If you don’t have it, I’m not sure what the chances are of you having got it from him kissing you.
Also, the virus can be transmitted by people who have the virus even when they do not have an active coldsore/have never had a coldsore.

anon12345678901 · 01/05/2021 05:38

I get cold sores but when I know one is coming I don't kiss anyone or let them touch my face until it's gone completely. I wouldn't want to give it to anyone, I'd be upset if I had.
Unless there is an active outbreak you wouldn't know the partner you're dating doesn't have it. A lot have it and it remains dormant. It can't be caught unless there is an active outbreak.

MiddleParking · 01/05/2021 05:56

So this girl told her mum - or, feasibly, her dad - that her new boyfriend had gone down on her and given her genital herpes? And then that parent told someone at their work about it? And then that person told pp?

Gross.

KaleSlayer · 01/05/2021 06:04

It can't be caught unless there is an active outbreak.

That’s incorrect. The virus can be transmitted even when a person doesn’t have symptoms.

midnightstar66 · 01/05/2021 06:06

He doesn't know if any of his ex's coauthor it seeing it can lie dormant for years before showing. Does that mean he was always kissing them when active and infected too or is the fact he didn't the reason they didn't appear to catch it?. Definitely out of order but if you moved in quickly for the kiss did he have a chance to stop it? LOL at friends colleagues daughter though - gave me a giggle 😆

annie335 · 01/05/2021 06:11

How did you not notice he'd got one? They are usually pretty obvious!

saffysue · 01/05/2021 06:13

Just to reassure you op, I get cold sores occasionally and always tell dp not to kiss me when I have one but he has often chosen to ignore that and he has never had a cold sore. So there's every chance you won't get infected or at least won't get cold sores yourself.

He should have told you before you kissed though.

KarmaNoMore · 01/05/2021 06:15

I think the lack of consideration is a very telling sign to run away and not look back.

KaleSlayer · 01/05/2021 06:22

I think the lack of consideration is a very telling sign to run away and not look back.

I don’t think it necessarily shows a lack of consideration. Some people are just relaxed about coldsores because they’re so common, most people have the virus, so it just doesn’t occur to some people to be bothered about them. I don’t think those people are right, I think they should be careful not to spread them, but others just don’t think like that.

annie335 · 01/05/2021 06:26

On MN it seems you should LTB for the slightest thing. No point having a relationship really - the guy will f-up somehow 🙄

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/05/2021 07:43

You kissed him and given SD is still guidance with people outside your household it was a choice you made. If you didn’t notice then it can’t be that bad.

jellybeans44 · 01/05/2021 09:02

@ShirleyPhallus

If you start getting intimate with him/having sex incl oral, be prepared to have herpes! Happened to the daughter of my friend's work colleague.

Wow! With such a close link as that it must be true!

This could absolutely be true it happened to my best friend and the guy didn't even have an active cold sore at the time.
KarmaNoMore · 01/05/2021 09:17

She has only being with him for 3 weeks and he is showing an amazing degree of lack of consideration or, if you wish, hygiene.

Then 10 years later you have women complaining they cannot leave these inconsiderate slobs for the sake of the children.

I you get the flags early on, run before things get tangled.

So I stand by it, LTB

stitchy · 01/05/2021 09:35

One of my first boyfriends shamed me for refusing to kiss him whilst he had a cold sore saying I was being cruel and deliberately making him feel disgusting and how dare I etc etc and so I relented (he was abusive and I was a teenager). I have had cold sores ever since (25yrs). I would never wish them on anyone else, I take so much care not to kiss anyone or have my face even near the kids during an outbreak and make sure I don't accidentally use anyone's cup and keep towels separate etc.

I hate that fucker anew every time I feel the tingle of a cold sore, bastard awful swollen itchy unsightly thing (him and the cold sores).

Original poster
capturingdaydreams · 01/05/2021 10:58

@stitchy I'm so sorry that happened to you. So we ended up having an argument about it last night. It was our first fight and he kept downplaying my concerns telling me I was overreacting, they're not a big deal and I've already kissed him now so it's too late anyway. He apologised but he was v defensive and it didn't sound like he was genuinely sorry.

Just feel like it shows a real lack of consideration which is a big red flag so not sure how I feel about the whole thing now.

OP posts:
Justa47 · 01/05/2021 11:01

@capturingdaydreams

Not acceptable

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 01/05/2021 11:07

It’s risky this dating business!

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 01/05/2021 11:12

I think you do know how you feel about it really don't you?

KaleSlayer · 01/05/2021 11:17

So we ended up having an argument about it last night. It was our first fight and he kept downplaying my concerns telling me I was overreacting,

As I said earlier, I do know some people who just don’t think they are anything to be bothered about. They still share cups, towels etc with their family when they have a coldsore.
But if you’ve explained that if matters to you, and he doesn’t sound sorry or concerned then yes, I think that’s a red flag. He should take your concerns seriously, even if they are not of concern to him.

TheGumption · 01/05/2021 11:19

Yanbu. I'd be absolutely furious and to me it's just as bad as not telling a partner about an STD. I would feel assaulted. Disgusting.

Original poster
capturingdaydreams · 01/05/2021 11:25

@KaleSlayer Giving him the benefit of the doubt it does seem like he falls into this camp.

@TheGumption I am freaking out that cold sore can lead to herpes through oral sex.

OP posts:
KaleSlayer · 01/05/2021 11:34

capturingdaydreams

I think there is a lot of mis information on this thread so I would say do some googling for yourself.
In short, the majority of people have hsv 1, the virus which causes coldsores, just that many do not actually show symptoms. So you may already have the virus. Or you will most likely have kissed someone in the past who has it. And it can be transmitted by someone who has the virus, without an active coldsore.... being as most people have the virus, thats most people.
Also most people are exposed to the virus as a child.

I don’t want to say you are overreacting as of course your feelings are valid but I do think some proper information will help put it into perspective.

Of course if you feel he is dismissing your feelings, that is not ok. Is he normally a good person? Is he considerate normally?

KaleSlayer · 01/05/2021 11:44

So anytime you have kissed him in the past when he didn’t have a coldsore, you could have caught the virus from him, if you didn’t already have it that is.

VladmirsPoutine · 01/05/2021 11:45

I also don't want to say your over reacting as the prospect of having herpes - however benign doesn't hold much appeal. If you can't get over this i.e. if you are going to resent him then it's best you cut loose.

I wonder if this is something that's more common than discussed?

Tlittle · 01/05/2021 12:14

Just be careful my ex of ten years with a cold sore that I didn't notice gave me it down there after oral.The first time i had a ob was awful couldn't even wee now prob have three times a year