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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's a bit sad that both people nowadays need to work to afford a household?

701 replies

Lowef · 30/04/2021 19:24

I know this isn't a popular opinion on MN but was thinking how rubbish it is that today mostly both parents need to be working to be able to afford the basics of food, clothing, rent. mortgage etc for the family without being on the breadline.

I have really fond memories of playing with my mum in the garden planting pots, watching her cook whilst i sat on the worktop. She'd collect us from school everyday and on fridays she'd have baked some warm muffins, sweet buns which were still warm and fresh from the oven. She'd give some to my friends too. She taught me so many things like sewing, cooking, gardening (she was very green fingered), growing veg. She spent alot of time with us kids and i look back at those days really fondly.

In comparison I am nothing like this with my children - I just don't seem to have the time and energy for the things she did. I can't bake cupcakes in time for the kids school pick up as they're in the after school club. Dinner is a quick whisk up whatever I have in the freezer / fridge , I'm too frazzled and tired for spending lots of time with the kids. DH is the same.

In an an ideal world i would love to be a SAHM and have more energy and time for my family and myself too instead of just rushing through life. The years are going by so fast and most of my energy and life is taken up by work. The children are growing up so quickly.

Not sure if anyone else feels the same too or if ill get an MN roasting!

OP posts:
DeadButDelicious · 03/05/2021 13:11

My mum was always there when I was little. When we became school age she got a job in the school kitchen so that she was around to pick us up and during the holidays. She remained in that job till she was retired through ill health. She was a constant presence in our lives growing up and both myself and my brother remain very close to both our parents, we have a good relationship with them, see them regularly and live close by. We weren't rolling in it by any stretch, my dad had to work his way up to where he is now but we had luxuries, holidays and wonderful Christmases. I never felt like we went without.

When I had children of my own it was important to me that I be there as much as possible. Like my mum was for me. So I'm at home and my husband works. He works continental shifts so he has 4 on and 4 off which allows him to spend more time with DD and we get a good amount of time as a family. His dad worked very long hours and away a lot when he was young and he didn't want that for DD.

By no means are we 'well off'. But we get by, she doesn't go without, we can afford the odd treat, we rent but so do lots of others our age with families where we live and the majority of them have two people working. We even have smart phones and NetflixGrin. When DD is in full time school I plan to run my own business again, I closed it during a period of bereavement and ill health after our first daughter passed away and it had been doing quite well. I would like to try that again.

LegoPoliceman · 03/05/2021 13:17

In winter, do they go in to a dark, empty house?

I'm all for giving children independence, but if they couldn't figure out how to use a light switch, I'd probably think twice about leaving them alone as well.

DoubleTweenQueen · 03/05/2021 13:18

I don’t think having a parent who works/doesn’t work by choice (but who otherwise has a healthy regard for education and encourages their children to do their best and get the most out of their lives) - really makes a difference to their children’s aspirations.

Orangebug · 03/05/2021 13:20

I was a latchkey child whose mum worked full time and I let myself into the house after school. It didn't do me any harm - my parents were fab and I have a very close and loving relationship with both of them. They're wonderful grandparents too!

CirclesWithinCircles · 03/05/2021 13:21

In winter, do they go in to a dark, empty house?

These days, we have electricity.

Also, humans aren't herd animals like sheep and cattle, and can actually cope with being alone for short periods, even in childhood.

G5000 · 03/05/2021 13:28

Mmm. A bit sneery here?

A bit. When it's implied that a mother - always the mother - has to give up on her personal ambitions and just 'be there' whenever someone else might need her, as otherwise her children will become juvenile delinquents.

As a teenager, I was rarely home before my parents, I had a ton of hobbies and interests to keep me occupied. If I indeed came home to a dark, empty house, I would have turned the lights on and cooked some dinner for the family.

chaosmaker · 03/05/2021 15:05

Equality would surely be both people working part time and child raising part time. Makes far more sense to me. It isn't sad but it is a sad fact of capitalism which clearly doesn't work anyway (unless you're already at the top of the pile and live off inherited wealth)

Alsohuman · 03/05/2021 16:53

[quote cinammonbuns]@Alsohuman wage slave Grin. So no one in your family is a wage slave. What do you and your children live on them, do you eat the Communist Manifesto for breakfast instead of cereal?[/quote]
I was a wage slave for 44 years. I certainly wouldn’t have been if there had been a financially viable alternative. How many people would work if they won millions on the lottery?

Allthereindeersaregirls · 03/05/2021 16:55

I was a wage slave for 44 years. I certainly wouldn’t have been if there had been a financially viable alternative. How many people would work if they won millions on the lottery?

But I also wouldn't be a SAHP.

Alsohuman · 03/05/2021 16:57

@Allthereindeersaregirls

I was a wage slave for 44 years. I certainly wouldn’t have been if there had been a financially viable alternative. How many people would work if they won millions on the lottery?

But I also wouldn't be a SAHP.

Not even if you won more money than you could spend? Really?
BrieAndChilli · 03/05/2021 17:04

Every family is different, they have different personality types, different ages of children, different locations eg rural/city/suburban, different careers/jobs, different priorities. These things will determine what each family does for the best. Some people won’t have a choice of what they do, others will have a multitude of choices.
I have a 10, 12 and 14 year old. Over the years I have - been on extended maternity leave, worked part time evenings/weekends so DH was home so saved on childcare, worked part time from home and worked part time and now almost full time out of the home.
The secondary age ones come home and let themselves in a couple of times in to an empty house. They are perfectly capable of turning on the lights/tv/make a snack.
DD age 12 is more than capable of cooking a full meal and DS age 14 can with a clear recipe.
Last year I was furloughed and DH is WFH until at least September so for the moment they do have someone at home for them but I don’t think they are any worse of better off for it. If we are both at work at I am just after 5pm as only work 5 minutes away so the longest they are alone (although alone with each other!) is about 1 hour by the time they have walked home from school with thier friends.

FourTurnings · 03/05/2021 17:04

Well said g5000. It is always the mother. And kids aren’t negatively affected by having two parents who work, in fact it sets a damn good example.

FourTurnings · 03/05/2021 17:08

Agree hellomissus and men who driven and ambitious are admired, whereas women with those qualities are putting their career before their children 😉

Allthereindeersaregirls · 03/05/2021 17:10

Not even if you won more money than you could spend? Really?

No. I'd like to set up my own charity or volunteer for MSF for short stints, so I'd likely get a nanny. Money is not preventing me being a SAHP at the moment.

Postern · 03/05/2021 17:11

@Allthereindeersaregirls

I was a wage slave for 44 years. I certainly wouldn’t have been if there had been a financially viable alternative. How many people would work if they won millions on the lottery?

But I also wouldn't be a SAHP.

It wouldn't ever occur to me to be a SAHP either, regardless of my finances. My work is meaningful, entirely apart from what income it generates.
Hardbackwriter · 03/05/2021 17:13

Not even if you won more money than you could spend? Really?

How many billionaires do you think don't have nannies? The evidence seems pretty clear that most people wouldn't, given the necessary resources, choose stay at home mother as their sole occupation.

DelBocaVista · 03/05/2021 17:18

How many people would work if they won millions on the lottery?

I would - both of my jobs are a huge part of my identity. It's taken me over a decade of studying and many,many more years building up my experience and reputation.
I wouldn't want to give that up.

DelBocaVista · 03/05/2021 17:21

@FourTurnings

Agree hellomissus and men who driven and ambitious are admired, whereas women with those qualities are putting their career before their children 😉
Ain't that the truth. And don't forget women only work to pay for handbags, shoes and holidays whereas men work to provide for their family.
FourTurnings · 03/05/2021 17:55

Delbocavista same. My career is something I’m proud of and what makes me who I am. I love being a mother, and a wife, but those are a part of my life (an important part) but not my whole life.

Also - Women chatter. Men discuss. 🤣

DelBocaVista · 03/05/2021 18:05

@FourTurnings

Delbocavista same. My career is something I’m proud of and what makes me who I am. I love being a mother, and a wife, but those are a part of my life (an important part) but not my whole life.

Also - Women chatter. Men discuss. 🤣

Oh yes.... and men are assertive and women are bossy.
GreyPaw · 03/05/2021 18:07

I dream of the day my DCs can let themselves into a dark empty house in winter. At the moment they have to wait in at dark damp train station. I have no choice what with DH dying, but those are the cards we were dealt so the kids have to just put up with it.

HelloMissus · 03/05/2021 18:21

I don’t need to work for money. Never have needed to.
I just like it.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/05/2021 18:35

@DelBocaVista

How many people would work if they won millions on the lottery?

I would - both of my jobs are a huge part of my identity. It's taken me over a decade of studying and many,many more years building up my experience and reputation.
I wouldn't want to give that up.

Same here. I would never stop work, even if I won more money than I knew what to do with. Work is totally tied up with my identity and sense of self-esteem.

As is being a mother.

But I have never felt that my work is at odds with my being a mother. If anything I think it enriches it, in so many ways. There's the money, obviously, but also the example I set my daughter by being an entirely financially self-sufficient woman who does a difficult job every day to a high standard. The fact that she knows and trusts my colleagues and has socialised with many of them and calls them friends. The fact that my work is interesting and has prompted her to follow current affairs more closely. My work has helped support her development and education in a variety of ways.

That doesn't mean I don't bake cupcakes and do traditionally domestic things with her: I do all those things (bar the sewing), but I also delegate her care to trusted caregivers who she has known for many years when I'm not physically around. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I find the idea that because I haven't cleared my schedule to be a domestic helpmeet to her I am failing her insulting and incredibly short-sighted.

FourTurnings · 03/05/2021 19:59

thepeopleversuswork you’re setting your daughter a fantastic example and she will be incredibly proud of you (if she isn’t already) 🙂

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/05/2021 20:17

@Alsohuman I wouldn't work if I won the lottery. But that's different as the money would be mine. I wouldn't be a SAHP that meant being financially dependent on a man.

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