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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's a bit sad that both people nowadays need to work to afford a household?

701 replies

Lowef · 30/04/2021 19:24

I know this isn't a popular opinion on MN but was thinking how rubbish it is that today mostly both parents need to be working to be able to afford the basics of food, clothing, rent. mortgage etc for the family without being on the breadline.

I have really fond memories of playing with my mum in the garden planting pots, watching her cook whilst i sat on the worktop. She'd collect us from school everyday and on fridays she'd have baked some warm muffins, sweet buns which were still warm and fresh from the oven. She'd give some to my friends too. She taught me so many things like sewing, cooking, gardening (she was very green fingered), growing veg. She spent alot of time with us kids and i look back at those days really fondly.

In comparison I am nothing like this with my children - I just don't seem to have the time and energy for the things she did. I can't bake cupcakes in time for the kids school pick up as they're in the after school club. Dinner is a quick whisk up whatever I have in the freezer / fridge , I'm too frazzled and tired for spending lots of time with the kids. DH is the same.

In an an ideal world i would love to be a SAHM and have more energy and time for my family and myself too instead of just rushing through life. The years are going by so fast and most of my energy and life is taken up by work. The children are growing up so quickly.

Not sure if anyone else feels the same too or if ill get an MN roasting!

OP posts:
Asdf12345 · 30/04/2021 19:26

It’s a sad state of affairs but ultimately is a casualty of massively improved equality. Once enough women take up the opportunity to earn with effective parity with the male workforce the market sets the cost of living at what most households can afford to pay.

the80sweregreat · 30/04/2021 19:29

This will probably turn into a stay at home v working outside the home thread, but I do agree that I loved having my mum around for me and having done both myself being at home was nice, but it's not for everyone and two incomes are needed these days for people to be able to pay a mortgage or rents and to eat.
It's a complex subject and sad that it's not that much of a choice these days for so many :(

Original poster
Lowef · 30/04/2021 19:30

@Asdf12345

It’s a sad state of affairs but ultimately is a casualty of massively improved equality. Once enough women take up the opportunity to earn with effective parity with the male workforce the market sets the cost of living at what most households can afford to pay.
I hadn't thought of it from an equality perspective. Just thought things are just more expensive, cost of living, ridiculous house prices etc.
OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 30/04/2021 19:31

I don't think having one parent as SAHP and one with the "important job" is always good - for many many reasons, but it would be great if both could work out of the home some days a week. That way both adults retain some individual identity, have something outside of the domestic sphere to bring to the table and retain all the practical benefits of a career, regardless of whether or not the relationship lasts, but also take a lead role in the home and parenting rather than that being one's "domain" and can do all the baking / craft / pottering about stuff. To be fair, I thought I would love being a SAHM but I went nearly crazy with boredom in my year off - though if it had been with an older child instead of a baby that might have been different.

Barbie222 · 30/04/2021 19:32

@Asdf12345

It’s a sad state of affairs but ultimately is a casualty of massively improved equality. Once enough women take up the opportunity to earn with effective parity with the male workforce the market sets the cost of living at what most households can afford to pay.
Yes, I think sadly this happened, but I guess the alternative is worse. I've stared out the window with washing done, muffins cooking, floor swept, baby asleep and still couldn't help thinking what the fuck kind of slow mo this was. I couldn't wait to go back to work. However, my OH felt the same, so here we are.
QforCucumber · 30/04/2021 19:32

I work full time, dh too but we do still bake/garden with the kids on weekends. Tbh as a parent of a 5 year old I find it more stressful than work 😂

KnobJockey · 30/04/2021 19:32

It's not that way everywhere in the country, a lot of it is lifestyle and location choice. Where I live currently, we both need to work. If I moved 20 minutes away, we could survive on one wage. I'm sacrificing that for the nicer lifestyle I have in this town.

Headyhurty · 30/04/2021 19:33

Do they though? My mum didn't work when I was a child. We had one car (only needed one as mum didn't need it for work), self catering chalet holidays in UK very occasionally, went to a restaurant only twice in my entire childhood, children's birthday parties at home, one pair of school shoes worn for all occasions, mum set her own hair and made all our clothes, most of the furniture in the house was secondhand and still there when I got married, the same lino on the floor for my whole childhood etc etc.

We weren't poor and I had a lovely childhood, but I reckon plenty of people who think they both need to work could live like that on one salary today.

MyDcAreMarvel · 30/04/2021 19:35

People have a skewed view of equality it doesn’t mean being treated the same. Men and women having different roles doesn’t mean one is more important than the other.
The large generation of feminists have made it very difficult for women to stay at home and raise their own children.

Mintjulia · 30/04/2021 19:35

I think your expenses expand to fit your income to some extent. I'm a single mum and still manage to afford a mortgage and a child. I bake at weekends and cycle with DS. Life is busy but not impossible.

If I had a dh, we would probably have chosen a different house in a more expensive area, and not have a 12yo car. Otherwise, life wouldn't be that different.

Egghead81 · 30/04/2021 19:35

I am a single parent, work 3 days a week
And manage to afford all those basics plus a fair bit besides and not close to the breadline

I just thank my 21 year old self for beginning progressional exams and seeing them through.

Many professionals in area I live in are one working parent families and the other a SAHP

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 30/04/2021 19:37

I agree. I think all couple should be able to have the choice of one staying home or both working part time. If both wanted to work full time then of course that would be their choice but it should be a choice. I am extremely fortunate to be a SAHM of a school age child and I love the more laid back lifestyle it gives us. You have inspired me with the Friday baking!

Giraffey1 · 30/04/2021 19:37

Nothing new about this. It has been the case for many people for many years.

Original poster
Lowef · 30/04/2021 19:37

allthe80sweregreat yes, it's more the not having a choice about both working. It used to be one member on an average income would be ok running a household - just enough to live comfortably with a modest lifestyle - now you'd be on the breadline.

OP posts:
Meredusoleil · 30/04/2021 19:37

This is why I work part time and since dh lost his job due to Covid last year, he only works on the days that I don't!

Imho that is the best if both worlds and provides the perfect work/life balance as well as ensuring there is always one parent at home every day for the kids 🤔

mrwalkensir · 30/04/2021 19:38

You can see how it changed when more that one's person income could be considered on a mortgage. Strip out inflation etc and it pretty much doubled housing costs.

Bagelsandbrie · 30/04/2021 19:39

Society does not value the stay at home parent. I’ve been both a full time working Mum with my eldest (now 18, went back to work full time when she was 6 months old) and then when I had my youngest (now 9) I stopped work and stayed home. So I’ve seen it from both sides in that sense but people never appreciate the role of a stay at home parent. It’s like they assume you stop existing as a person and have nothing to contribute. There is much to be said for families having one person at home if you can afford it.

user1487194234 · 30/04/2021 19:39

I for one am very glad that my DH and I both work equal hours and share home and child care responsibilities equally too

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/04/2021 19:40

Both parents don't need to work to survive, but generally people want the best quality of life possible and sacrifice time off to pay for it. Things like holidays, cars, hobbies, alcohol, meals out, new clothes.
If you look back even 100 years, most of the population were living hand to mouth with not enough food, no heating, no car, no holiday, could not afford healthcare, living with several families in a 2 or 3 room house. With the knowledge that if anything went wrong they were likely to be evicted and destitute. Having mum at home has only been a thing for a short time, apart from a very small section of the richest people.

Member589500 · 30/04/2021 19:41

It’s not the details. It’s the house. Everything stems from where you live.
As a civil servant in my 50s I have worked with people 20+years ago (men) who raised a family and afforded a normal family house on a single salary. Today? LOL

MustStopSnacking28 · 30/04/2021 19:42

I wouldn’t want to be a SAHP as I don’t think I am cut out for it - take my hat off to those who can! What I would like to see if more flexible working, which I am hoping might happen now due to lots of people wfh for so long. I would like to be able to nip away from my desk for 30 mins to pick up DS from school and then finish the day a bit later on, I feel very sad that if I go back to the office full time he will likely be in before/after school club most days. I do think more employers are accepting of that as staff have ‘proved’ over the past year that flexible working can often produce just as good if not better results and productivity but will have to see what the next year or two looks like I spose!

HairyToity · 30/04/2021 19:42

I work 4 days a week. DH works 6.5 days a week (farmer). I sometimes think life would be easier if I didn't work. We never ever manage to keep on top of the housework, and rarely bake. Yanbu.

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/04/2021 19:43

Society does not value the stay at home parent.

That's because a stay at home parent is generally not contributing to society. It's only of value to their own family. Nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent, but it's of no value to society in general

Frogsonglue · 30/04/2021 19:45

I sort of agree, but also agree with PP who said it's not ideal to have one parent with the "important" job and one at home (usually the mother).
DH and I are really lucky that we're both able to work part time. We're not wealthy, just fell on our feet and so are able to be mortgage free. But we also choose to have quite a frugal lifestyle as we'd rather have quality time than fancy things and holidays. Our kids might well turn around when they're older though and say they would rather have been better off than have had us around all the time, who knows. Most people are just doing their best and that means different things to everyone.

celandiney · 30/04/2021 19:45

I read a very interesting article about wages in mill towns ,probably during the industrial revolution?A long time ago,so I don't remember where.
And the point of this is there were nearby towns- in some it was the norm for woman to continue working after marriage,and in others women stopped work.In the towns where women continued to work wages were lower for everyone,so I agree that society and the economy adjust to what a family as a unit can afford.If it's the norm for both partners to earn housing costs etc will adjust to reflect that.