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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Comment from nurse

75 replies

IPineapple · 30/04/2021 07:04

Am I being over sensitive?

After many years trying and some truly heartbreaking situations, me and DH have finally been lucky enough to have one DC.

It has really left it's mark though (some late losses, medical terminations etc...) and I suffered depression for a long time, was suicidal at points and on medication for anxiety and depression.

I went to get contraception sorted the other day at my GP and the nurse kept going on about when I have another, even when I politely said 'no we won't be, we went through too much'.

I got the implant which expires after 3 years and it was things like 'oh you'll be ready for more by then anyway won't you', 'well never say never' etc...

I'd love to have more but I can't. I just came away thinking it was so inappropriate, fine one comment but after I'd said no, to carry on?

OP posts:

Rainallnight · 30/04/2021 07:05

YANBU. She was insensitive.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 30/04/2021 07:07

I think I would complain about that, and I never complain about anything. That was very insensitive of her. It is something people always say, but after you told her, she should have stopped.

Veryverycalmnow · 30/04/2021 07:13

I hate comments like that. They're really unnecessary. She should know not to say them in her profession.

JackieLavertysWeirdVoice · 30/04/2021 07:13

Oh god I've got an OT like this. Never knows when to just be ... quiet. I don't want the bonhomie and chat, to be told to cheer up, that I'll be 'on the mend before you know it, ha ha' from a non-curable condition.

I guess some people, even professionals, don't know when to stop.

When it relates to contraception, fertility and maternity, it really does come across as a particularly insensitive personality trait.

Hope you're ok

Hopdathelf · 30/04/2021 07:16

At best it is extremely insensitive and at worst, given she presumably has sight of your notes, unprofessional.

Some people do seem think giving birth to more children is the be all and and end all that everyone aspires to and regardless of the circumstances try to encourage others to keep doing it.

RealisticSketch · 30/04/2021 07:22

Oh god that's awful. 😔 I bet in her head it was ''positive and encouraging' but actually it's just salt in the wound and a wiser person would definitely have listened better, that is listened and then acted on what you actually said.
Some people manage to still be unable to put themselves in someone else's position even when dealing with life changing stuff for a living. She's probably seen loads of people 'say that' but then change their mind but they're not you and you're not in that place and she didn't recognise that at all. Sorry you had to cope with her insensitivity on top of all that.

Voomster953 · 30/04/2021 07:24

@Hopdathelf

At best it is extremely insensitive and at worst, given she presumably has sight of your notes, unprofessional.

Some people do seem think giving birth to more children is the be all and and end all that everyone aspires to and regardless of the circumstances try to encourage others to keep doing it.

She probably won’t have had sight of OP’s notes and it would have been a swift ten minute appointment. The comments were daft but I suspect they’re just autopilot platitudes.

Phoebesgift · 30/04/2021 07:24

Since you were there for contraception it surely it wasn't unreasonable of her to assume you could have children?

Hopdathelf · 30/04/2021 07:29

Since you were there for contraception it surely it wasn't unreasonable of her to assume you could have children?

Doesn’t make it appropriate to comment on. Some people, me included, can get pregnant but not ultimately have a baby.

Voomster953 · 30/04/2021 07:30

I also think, depending on a woman’s age and age of any existing children, they try to steer you towards contraception that’s more suitable to a quicker fertility recover, just in case. Mine did. Again, not saying the comments weren’t daft but I get the feeling they’re sort of habitual statements said mindlessly as she worked.

Babyjune21 · 30/04/2021 07:32

I’m so sorry it’s been such a struggle for you big hugs I totally get it it’s been quite traumatic for me too we are lucky enough to be pregnant with our 2nd but I am 100% sure this will be the last my high risk doctor has even offered to sterilise me at c section to make sure (not going ahead with it because I’m only28 and can cause problems later on ) but I will be getting coil fitted on day of c section I makes me cringe when i say to people this is our last and they stuff like that I get it x

partofyoupoursoutofme · 30/04/2021 07:38

Yanbu. She was insensitive and tone deaf. I think lots of people have a professional 'patter' and things come out without them really listening to what they are saying.
If you feel upset it may be worth complaining/mentioning to her superior. It never hurts to have more training.
I'm sorry you have had to go through all this pain

Umbrellospagello · 30/04/2021 07:46

Argh I hate this too. Personally I wouldn’t complain though but depends how strongly you feel.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/04/2021 07:49

Totally inappropriate and unprofessional. Regrettably in my experience far too many nurses engage mouth before brain and obtuse insofar as listening is concerned.

Congratulations on your baby and 100% respect for your decision making.

Dyrne · 30/04/2021 07:58

Spectacularly tone deaf of the nurse, particularly how you actually outright said how much heartache you’ve been through.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 30/04/2021 08:07

I guess she said the usual patter op. you never know though, i am sure others may also put their feet in it around the same issue.

An0n0n0n · 30/04/2021 08:11

Based on your quites i can see why she maube glossed over it and rather than complain i think it would have been sufficient to pull her up on it there and then.

FizzyApricot · 30/04/2021 08:18

@Phoebesgift

Since you were there for contraception it surely it wasn't unreasonable of her to assume you could have children?

It's not that simple unfortunately. There are lots of people who can get pregnant but not carry to term. I would expect a nurse to be mindful of this and not make assumptions of people's circumstances.

FizzyApricot · 30/04/2021 08:19

I would contact the surgery to raise it as a potential training need for their staff.

Ostryga · 30/04/2021 08:21

It pisses me off, but because everyone thinks they have an innate right to comment on women’s fertility and childbearing for some unknown reason.

She’s thoughtless and was just trying to make conversation with you which clearly I don’t agree with, but until something fundamentally changes this is what we have to endure through life.

You need to come up with a response to people like this that you’re comfortable saying, and that will shut them up. It will empower you. Because she in all likelihood is not going to be the last person to have some unwanted comment on your womb,

RosesAndHellebores · 30/04/2021 08:21

It needed to end at the point you told her you had been through too much and at that point the emphasis should have changed to ",if that's how you feel, it's great you are opting for reliable contraception." Her handling of the matter was to minimise your circumstances when she should have validated your feelings. That' what good communicators do when they claim to be post graduate professionals.

Neonprint · 30/04/2021 08:22

@Phoebesgift

Since you were there for contraception it surely it wasn't unreasonable of her to assume you could have children?

I used to work with someone who had 11 miscarriages one made her seriously ill. She had one child though. She decided to stop trying and didn't want to get pregnant again because of the risk to her health. So just because you can get pregnant and need contraception doesn't mean it's safe for you.

If this comment was from an insensitive colleague I'd brush it off. But in her role surely she should understand the difficulties of infertility. How many other people is she upsetting? There could be loads of circumstances where it's painful to discuss these issues so pushing is unkind.

10storeylovesong · 30/04/2021 08:23

Yanbu. Completely insensitive. You should expect more from someone in a caring position but unfortunately I don't anymore. After 4 years of infertility I fell pregnant and had an early miscarriage. The gp told me to stop crying as there was always next month. When I finally fell pregnant again I started bleeding at 20 weeks and a nurse very bluntly told me "your baby will die and you'r only in hospital as you might die too". I had been given bad news many times before but that one stuck with me due to the uncaring way she said it. (he's now a healthy 8 year old, so she was also wrong!).

Darkbrownistheriver · 30/04/2021 08:25

I wouldn’t make a complaint as such, but I’d email the Practice Manager, explain that it was inappropriate and ask that the nurse be made aware she should be more mindful of people’s possible circumstances. You might have been someone for whom another pregnancy would be medically unsafe even though you were desperate for another child.

LimeCoconut · 30/04/2021 08:26

YANBU. Incredibly insensitive for someone in her position to be making her opinions on what other people should do with their families known.

I would suggest writing a polite letter to the practice, make it clear it’s not a complaint (unless you want it to be) explaining what happened and why it was hurtful and asking that she keep in mind in the future that when people come for contraception they don’t come for that. She might just be a bit dim and not think before she speaks, but it would hopefully make her think twice about doing it to the next patient.

I know so many people who’d be devastated by how she acted.

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