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AIBU?

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Original poster

Comment from nurse

75 replies

IPineapple · 30/04/2021 07:04

Am I being over sensitive?

After many years trying and some truly heartbreaking situations, me and DH have finally been lucky enough to have one DC.

It has really left it's mark though (some late losses, medical terminations etc...) and I suffered depression for a long time, was suicidal at points and on medication for anxiety and depression.

I went to get contraception sorted the other day at my GP and the nurse kept going on about when I have another, even when I politely said 'no we won't be, we went through too much'.

I got the implant which expires after 3 years and it was things like 'oh you'll be ready for more by then anyway won't you', 'well never say never' etc...

I'd love to have more but I can't. I just came away thinking it was so inappropriate, fine one comment but after I'd said no, to carry on?

OP posts:
ThankYouHunkyJesus · 30/04/2021 08:26

I found these kinds of comments incredibly triggering after a traumatic birth. She has no idea about what the person in front of her has gone through. Very insensitive of her.

Crosstrainer · 30/04/2021 08:27

The nurse was inappropriate. But I think you should’ve told her so at the time rather than make a complaint ex post, which turns it into a very big deal. Had you said “Look - enough - I’ve told you I’m not going to have another and your comments are hurtful”, she’d have had the opportunity to apologise to you. Writing to the surgery etc makes it a formal complaint, with serious potential repercussions.

Whatisthisfuckery · 30/04/2021 08:31

YANBU and it must be upsetting for you OP. Truth is though that the nurse won’t have read your notes. I’ve been to medical apts where the person I’m seeing hasn’t read my notes about what I’m seeing them about.

I get asked about contraception almost every time I go to the docs. I’ve told them I’m a lesbian and don’t sleep with men but they still go on about it.

EL8888 · 30/04/2021 08:36

For gods sake, why can no one read the fucking notes?! It drives me mad when health professionals do this with me

A friend of mine can get pregnant easily but can’t stay pregnant. She always miscarries before the 12 week scan.

nancywhitehead · 30/04/2021 08:36

Those comments were inappropriate and insensitive. A nurse should know better - I would complain. She is lacking empathy.

FizzyApricot · 30/04/2021 08:37

Whatisthisfuckery I think they must work on commission or have targets as they do like to bring it up a lot!

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 30/04/2021 08:38

Really insensitive of her. I got a bit of this from my HV after having DD and it was particularly grating because she knew that a) it had been a big struggle to conceive and b) I was at that moment having a really hard time of it with 1!

RosesAndHellebores · 30/04/2021 08:40

Telling them at the time doesn't always reach their ears though. After a traumatic birth the community midwife at the first visit banged on about pelvic floor exercises and sex. I specifically told her it was my first day at home, I was focusing on recovering from the birth and looking after my baby and didn't wish to discuss my sex life.

Her response to that was to take her left elbow in her right hand and wave her hand in the air whilst blasting "if you don't do the pelvic floor exercises ten times a day this is what your man is going to say the sex feels like" note the word man rather than husband.

I didn't react at the time. I was too vulnerable and put too far on the backfoot. But golly it formed part of a complaint and next time I refused to be visited by no more than two commu ity midwives and categorically banned that one from coming.

user1471462428 · 30/04/2021 08:49

I think the gp surgery get paid for fitting long acting contraception so coils, implants and injections. I hate the question about more babies too op, I have two and difficult time getting both of them. I’m still traumatised by it. Best to shrug it off though.

BlackSwan · 30/04/2021 08:52

It is hard to react in the moment. You're in a vulnerable position.

But it would be nice to turn back the clock and give her a piece of your mind directly. She sounds like an air-head.

LimeCoconut · 30/04/2021 08:54

Additionally OP, I’m in a caring role and if I was saying things that upset the patients in my care I would ABSOLUTELY want to know. It’s part of the job to take into account people’s emotions as well as their physical health. Please do say something.

LimeCoconut · 30/04/2021 08:57

@Crosstrainer

The nurse was inappropriate. But I think you should’ve told her so at the time rather than make a complaint ex post, which turns it into a very big deal. Had you said “Look - enough - I’ve told you I’m not going to have another and your comments are hurtful”, she’d have had the opportunity to apologise to you. Writing to the surgery etc makes it a formal complaint, with serious potential repercussions.
And that’s okay.

People receive feedback and complaints all the time. If it’s a first time complaint then she will be spoken to by the practice manager and given the opportunity to take it on board.

Complaints don’t automatically equal dismissal, that’s a common misconception! It’s feedback, and complaints only get taken further and lead to serious repercussions if there’s merit to them, which is a decision out of OP’s hands as a patient anyway.

It’s unfair to castigate OP for not speaking up at the time, there’s a very clear power dynamic at play and not everyone feels able to assert themselves in the moment, they may be too shocked or upset or afraid their care will be compromised or afraid to upset the professional. Feedback is so crucial so I encourage OP to speak to the practice.

Wanderlust20 · 30/04/2021 09:00

YANBU. It's just inane chatter we women are subjected to BUT the fact you stated you went through too much should have been a red flag and her cue to STFU!

Flowers
LimeCoconut · 30/04/2021 09:00

Like, imagine if every time a patient had cause to complain or give feedback they didn’t because they had been told they had to consider the potential serious repercussions? That’s really not for the patient to have to worry about, especially when they’ve received poor care. And this is poor care.

Practices also receive complaints all the time that they investigate and find have no merit, so OP shouldn’t worry about the impact if she makes one at all, that’s not her role.

Can’t tell OP what to do as it depends on how she feels about taking it further but in her shoes I absolutely would. Any professional worth their salt would take it on board and bear it in mind for their future practice.

LimeCoconut · 30/04/2021 09:04

Also horrified that a person doing her job is unaware of the fact that for many people the question of whether and if to have more kids is a really sensitive one. You won’t be the first person to have gone to her after a long traumatic road to have even one child :(

Defaultuser · 30/04/2021 09:08

Some people seem incapable of empathy or of thinking that life isn't always as straightforward as they think. But you'd think that a nurse would have learned a few things in her job. Sorry you had to go through all this OP.

swimlittlefishy · 30/04/2021 09:10

Since you were there for contraception it surely it wasn't unreasonable of her to assume you could have children?

Of course it was. Being able to get pregnant doesn't mean you can actually have a baby.

xDragon · 30/04/2021 09:11

This reply has been deleted

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Ostryga · 30/04/2021 09:12

@xDragon

Why bother getting contraception if you can’t have kids.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?

What a ridiculous and insensitive thing to say.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 30/04/2021 09:12

YANBU, totally insensitive. They do sometimes ask whether you’ll be having any more but should just accept your answer when you say no and leave it there.

MyNameForToday1980 · 30/04/2021 09:14

YANBU

I'm so sorry for your losses.

Even without losses, whether someone is childless, child free, or has 10 children, the rhetoric of 'you'll change your mind' and 'you never know' is rude, unnecessary and unprofessional.

MyNameForToday1980 · 30/04/2021 09:14

...not to mention insensitive.

chatw00 · 30/04/2021 09:16

@xDragon

Why bother getting contraception if you can’t have kids.
You're a fucking charmer, aren't you?
baldafrique · 30/04/2021 09:18

xDragon
Why bother getting contraception if you can’t have kids

What is actually wrong with you?! Use your fucking brain

Maggiesfarm · 30/04/2021 09:19

I would complain about that, lPineapple, it was such an inappropriate, insensitive thing to say and somebody in her position should know better. It's a kid-type remark.

The woman needs to do some sort of course in how to deal with patients and basic etiquette.

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