Comment from nurse

[IPineapple]

Am I being over sensitive?

After many years trying and some truly heartbreaking situations, me and DH have finally been lucky enough to have one DC.

It has really left it's mark though (some late losses, medical terminations etc...) and I suffered depression for a long time, was suicidal at points and on medication for anxiety and depression.

I went to get contraception sorted the other day at my GP and the nurse kept going on about when I have another, even when I politely said 'no we won't be, we went through too much'.

I got the implant which expires after 3 years and it was things like 'oh you'll be ready for more by then anyway won't you', 'well never say never' etc...

I'd love to have more but I can't. I just came away thinking it was so inappropriate, fine one comment but after I'd said no, to carry on?

It was very insensitive of her. A friend of mine got pre-eclampsia with her first, was in a coma after an emergency delivery and nearly died. She needed contraception because she was advised not to risk another pregnancy.

I would give feedback.
I was a clutz at work once, making a similar remark to a person I worked with. She helpfully told me and I have never made the same mistake again.
I would have thought in the medical field in that line of work it would be just plain obvious.

She probably won’t have had sight of OP’s notes and it would have been a swift ten minute appointment. The comments were daft but I suspect they’re just autopilot platitudes.

There should not be room for 'autopilot platitudes" in healthcare.

It's obvious! OP said "No we went through too much"

Not "We don't know if we want more"

Complain OP.

Congratulations on your baby.x

YANBU. I am unable to have any more children (had a hysterectomy) but fully expect people will still awkward stupid questions about when we're having another (one person asked even though they knew I'd had the surgery!!). The nurse was insensitive; for future, my psychologist suggested I come up with a one liner that shuts those conversations down, and you practice saying it a lot so when the situation arises you feel confident with it. HTH.

I think as you were there for a long-term contraceptive choice she was remarkably insensitive. She should have realised you'd given the matter considerable thought.

I had this from a colleague once and felt the same. YANBU.

i would write to the surgery as feedback. She may not realise how insensitive her remarks were and its useful to be told. view it as a learning experience for the nurse. Was she young? or lacking life experience.
I doubt she would get fired for it, but she should be shown a copy of your letter at least so that maybe in future she will engage brain before mouth.

OP.

I have never understood the need for the casual ''how many times have you been pregnant (verses 'live' births)?'' question from midwifes and health visitors at the GPs sat in front of a screen full of your notes.

It happened to me a couple of times and upset me a lot at the time.

Surely someone who routinely uses the computer to access pregnancy healthcare notes (often in front of their patients) should surely be able to easily spot TOPs and/or miscarriages and count them themselves rather than ask you to list them?!

You said you understood and she kept on so she was totally unreasonable.
It's a bit of a lottery with medical staff. When my baby was stillborn last year I was so fobbed off, but when I had a miscarriage last month the GP was so kind and caring.
I think there needs to be more awareness of the scars we carry long after we go through baby loss and the importance of person centred care going forward.

With age I’ve learnt there are reasons for family size that are not down to choice On the other hand it’s the nurses job to talk to you about appropriate contraception/ future planning so she phrased it indelicately but it wasn’t inappropriate to discuss.

I would complain.

Those kinds of comments shouldn't be made regardless of who you're talking to and their clinical history. It's rude. Even if the op didn't have any reason other than she simply didn't want anymore, the nurse shouldn't keep on like that

@Phoebesgift

Since you were there for contraception it surely it wasn't unreasonable of her to assume you could have children?

There are lots of people who go on contraception because they CAN get pregnant, but have conditions that prevent them from keeping a pregnancy without miscarrying. Or birth was so traumatic that they simply cannot go through it again. What a stupid comment.

I’ve not met one medical professional yet that knows how to be sensitive around pregnancy and loss. There’s a real lack of empathy or even human emotion in medical professionals.

@xDragon

Why bother getting contraception if you can’t have kids.

What is wrong with you?

Are you suggesting OP should have kept having to go through miscarriages and terminations for medical reasons because although she could get pregnant, there were frequent complications? Seriously? You think that’s not a good enough reason for contraception?

OP, this is truly something to complain about. This, is thoroughly unprofessional behaviour and no GP would stand for that. Even if you don't want to do a formal complaint (which you should) you definitely should have a talk with your GP and tell them of the incident and how it made you feel and that you think the nurse lack discretion and professionalism. Nurses or any health care professionals get away with behaviour like that because no one wants to be the one to complain. Thus she will go on to break the spirit of another woman, if your GP isn't at the very least told about the incident.

@xDragon

Why bother getting contraception if you can’t have kids.

@xDragon are you really this ignorant??

Bit insensitive but don't think I would complain. I have been questioned a fair few times about only having one dc (think partly because of my job) it stops when they dc are older) the reasons why I should have more are hilarious, I just shrug it off or think they are an arse

@xDragon

Why bother getting contraception if you can’t have kids.

Dumbass of the week award goes to....

I've had 2 children (3 by June, all going well). I've had 3 miscarriages, one leaving me quite ill (dangerously so at it's worst). I'm one of the lucky ones of those who've had more than one MC - they have been balanced with a healthy baby. 'Can't have kids' in no way means 'can't get pregnant', and women should be able to protect themselves in anyway possible from falling pregnant 'naturally' if the most likely result is a miscarriage, which is emotionally awful and can be very dangerous. A nurse of all people should know better than to comment at all about having children (unless giving medical advice), especially when being told about fertility issues.

Comments about fertility is one of many reasons I'll be getting sterilised after this baby. I'm never risking my health with pregnancy again.

This is awful I really hate it. I have DS 17 months and people are always saying 'oh wow I thought you'd be atleast expecting #2 by now. Yeah be just had a second early miscarriage. Firstly it's nobody's business but people are just thoughtless.

I find this sort of thing really unacceptable because it implies you don't know your own mind and that what you are saying is in some way "wrong" and the nurse is "right". I would be furious!

I’d feedback via an email to practice manager. Yes nurse should point out how long implant lasts far and when fertility will return but beyond that shouldn’t need to refer to it especially if you made clear you didn’t want a further pregnancy. Gobsmacked at the why get contraception if you can’t have children comments. I have one DC and was told by multiple Drs not to risk a second pregnancy after I developed a serious life threatening condition in pregnancy 1. I can get pregnant but not good idea hence need for contraception.

There have been two truly idiotic comments on this thread. If the posters read them back, please think hard about what you have posted.
OP, I would write as suggested because you will be doing a service to other people. This nurse is likely to do this again if she is not spoken to.
I’ve posted on here on other threads about dealing with insensitive comments. I had lots of the ‘when will you be having DC2’ type which especially after mcs were appalling to deal with . I developed some blunt responses which were designed to shock the thoughtless people into hopefully never saying anything similar to anyone else.

That is very insensitive and writing to the practise outlining your experience would flag up the need for more training.

There is absolutely no need to tell women they may want more kids - no one would say it to a man. It's an old sexist habit that needs to die out.

So yes, you are not being oversensitive. You clearly tried to tell her in the moment and she kept on. So I would let her know more formally.

I follow the gynaegeek on Instagram and she flagged up this very thing today ie. don't comment on women's fertility unnecessarily, and said women won't always let the asker know that these comments upset them so she's doing it on their behalf.

@Phoebesgift

Since you were there for contraception it surely it wasn't unreasonable of her to assume you could have children?

A seriously SERIOUSLY ridiculous comment!

And @xDragon

Why bother taking contraception if you can't have kids?

WTAF?

@IPineapple

I'm sorry you had to go through this, and that it will probably happen again, because sadly, some people have no emotional intelligence, and no thought for other peoples feelings. And if you get upset/offended, it's because you're too sensitive, or you need to lighten up.

Not sure if I'd report it, if it was just once, but if she - or any other nurses at your practice say anything else similar to this, then definitely complain.

I have one child - now in her mid 20s - but I am not going to discuss on here why me and DH had just the one.

Although we have not had any comments since she hit her mid teens, (over a decade ago;) we spent the first 13-14 YEARS of her life, being bombarded with comments from nosey, intrusive, opinionated individuals, who thought it was appropriate to not only ask us when we were having another baby, but also to say we were stupid, selfish, and WRONG when we said we were having just the one. With cries of how lonely, spoilt, and bratty she will be. And how cruel it was to not give her a sibling.

Some people got a pretty short shrift from me and DH, and got told (by us) to mind their own business, and that it was nothing to do with them why we were not having any more children.

I even had a couple of work colleagues (some 20 years back,) who had two secondary school age kids each, who came out with a constant stream of comments like 'you will change your mind,' and 'no more kids? you can't do that to your daughter! No brothers or sisters awwwww.'

I said clearly (a number of times,) 'me and my husband are NOT having any more children, so please stop asking me when we are having the next one, because it's actually fucking offensive,' and they drew breath in and stared wide eyed and said 'ooooooooh, someone's upset! No need to be like that Patti!' I just ignored them and left the room.

Then a few weeks later, the same fucking women started off again. I'd say 'I'm starving' (as it was near lunchtime,) and they'd say 'ooooh, pregnant are ya? Ahhhhh your daughter will have a little brother or sister, how lovely.'

I also had a few similar comments from nurses, and health visitors etc, when she was a baby/toddler, and even from a couple of TEACHERS when she was at primary school. 'Awww, you can't have just the one child.' Followed by looking at my daughter, and saying 'not fair is it, tell mummy you want a brother or sister!' I did laugh though when DD said 'No I won't, because I don't!'

As I said, I don't know WHY people think it's OK to spout shit like this. I would never DREAM of it. These are the same tits who say 'awwww, what a shame you've had another BOY' when someone has their second or third baby boy... (and they have no girls.) And 'awwww what a shame you don't have children' to women who are child free...

Mind you, these 2 women at my old workplace didn't just target me, and were a bit obtuse and insensitive towards others. One of them said once - to a child free woman who worked there - 'awww, what a shame you have no children. You'd make a wonderful mother!' And the priceless doozy 'you should have a child. Having children makes you a better person.'

As I said, obtuse and insensitive.