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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you take someone saying this? It's a Mil one

96 replies

PollInLaw · 29/04/2021 15:18

I have an autistic son with a speech and language delay who is 3. We are taking speech therapy classes to help. I'm trying the techniques everyday, trying to make learning fun and I read books he likes everyday since he was born. I look online for help with new ideas etc.
Mil says are you talking to him, you need to have more conversations - how would you take this?
A) an insult to your intelligence
B) insinuating you are a bad parent (by neglecting your child and never taking to them)
C) unhelpful information from an idiot
D) other

OP posts:
Wabe · 29/04/2021 17:17

@StillRailing

Op you would be amazed but not everyone does talk the same amount to their very young children. Maybe your mil has come across this in her past.
Sure, but this isn't a health visitor talking to an inexperienced new mother she's never seen interacting with her child, this is a family member who presumably sees the OP around her son all the time, a child with a diagnosed condition, and a mother who's taking her child to speech therapy and practicing the techniques daily at home.

Asking the OP if she talks to her child in these circumstances is a bit like looking at a crying baby and saying 'You DO realise you're supposed to feed them, don't you?'

StillRailing · 29/04/2021 17:19

I'd look at it as coming from a place of concern even if it didn't reach my high standards of communication.

StillRailing · 29/04/2021 17:19

In an ideal world we'd all be perfect.

Oneeyeopen · 29/04/2021 17:26

I don't think she meant to be rude.
Some people, me, worry if we don't impart information to our families because we could have helped and didn't.
In my case I would have phrased it differently if I had wanted to check.
Eg. Well all that talking you're doing with dgs will be helping I'm sure.
Or. I should think the speech therapist has to advise some parents to chat to their dc more.

Your mil is too blunt.

thelegohooverer · 29/04/2021 17:32

special needs can be a much scarier prospect for older generations who were raised with stigma and a normal/wrong dichotomy. Don’t underestimate how much this social paradigm has shifted.

She may be unconsciously clinging to the idea that he’s still a “normal” child with an ineffectual parent. It’s probably coming from a good place even though it’s maddening!

(And it’s not just mils! Every professional I’ve dealt with seems to start from the position that I’m an idiot mother too. You get a very thick skin after a while!)

One of the challenges of raising a sn dc is having to re-educate other family members too.

DumplingsAndStew · 29/04/2021 17:34

Didn't you already post about this?

Lipz · 29/04/2021 17:35

I've a severely disabled dd. She is non verbal and always will be. We knew this from a very young age.

Tbh, over the years the comments that would be made, use to have me in tears. I then realised that many people just word things wrongly. People try to be 'cool and understanding ' with disabilities and would ask things, but would end up messing up and insulting me. So I make a lot of allowances and tbh it makes life much easier.

Re the talking to the child, I've been asked this from people, therapists, doctors etc. I too thought it was a strange thing to ask and one time I asked the OT why she asked me that and she said that many people when not getting anything back from a non verbal person can (without realising), not use as much conversation as they would with a speaking child.

Is this just your mil trying to offer helpful advice but wording her advice/questions wrongly? I sometimes do it myself with some of dds friends/families, I try offer helpful advice, say something nice, etc and end up waffling and insulting people.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/04/2021 17:39

Smile and nod . My mum is like this , some people don't even think before they speak. If I buy something important or expensive my mum will ask if I have kept the receipts Hmm

Robotindisguise · 29/04/2021 17:41

I’m afraid this will happen a lot. Every interaction you have with every relative / professional / utter randomer you will be asked if the basic problem is that you are a shit parent. Try not to get too angry. I had FIL ask if my dyspraxic DD, who struggles with cutlery, regularly eats at a table. What did he expect “oh no, I chuck some quavers and a McDonalds on the carpet and hope for the best?” And yes he does know about the diagnosis. And the occupational therapy. But somehow the idea she has a mother who can’t be arsed is easier for him to accept...

Rexasaurus · 29/04/2021 18:18

I think she’ll just be giving you the advice parents her age were given when their kids were young.
Annoying but not meant in a mean way

MarcelinesMa · 29/04/2021 18:35

Basically all of them. My son is older now but similar issues to yours and I really resented (and still do to an extent) “helpful” pointers that I had either already implemented or were useless. Very irritating. My own MIL at the time however mostly just blamed my son’s issues on me because I gave him the autism when I got him vaccinated with MMR. But she’s a fucking moron.

Silverfly · 29/04/2021 18:40

Tactless but basically trying to help.

1FootInTheRave · 29/04/2021 18:47

Presuming a normal relationship with the mil, I'd take as harmless chatter as she's not sure what else to say?

This wouldn't remotely offend nor upset me tbh.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 29/04/2021 18:49

If that other thread is yours OP then yes just tell her to fuck off.

alexdgr8 · 29/04/2021 18:55

sounds like you don't like her, else this wouldn't bother you much.
you sound touchy.

FeelinHappy · 29/04/2021 18:58

Secret option E) - not worthy of the amount of headspace you are giving it.

Seriously. You can get judged for anything and everything. The exact shade and nuance of her opinion just doesn't matter

CSIblonde · 29/04/2021 19:03

Well I hope you said of course I am! She's tactless & not the brightest. Does she really think you wouldn't be doing even the obvious, on top of the help you're facilitating?. I'd be squashing digs like that ,& it was a dig, very firmly.

Nanny0gg · 29/04/2021 19:07

@PollInLaw

Well meaning? But talking to them is the first step isn't it? Who doesn't talk to their child?
You'd be surprised. When I had my first DC I remember the midwives talking to a couple of mums in the ward, explaining that you have to look at your baby and talk to the. - 40 odd years ago. Before mobile phones ☹
miliie55 · 29/04/2021 19:31

E) All of the above

Cheeky bitch!

Mustreadabook · 29/04/2021 19:50

C!

Cam2020 · 29/04/2021 20:00

It all hinges on your relationship and what sort of person MIL is generally. Sometimes something that might seem innocuous to a outsider, might well be loaded.

PicaK · 29/04/2021 20:19

It's B. You know it's B, I know it's B your Mil knows damn well it's B... But she will never admit that. You can't win. If you lose your shit there will be tears, protestations of "I never meant that" and you will get the blame.
All you can control is your reaction to it. And decide whether this woman is helping or not.
Where is your DH in all of this?
Is he standing up for you?
I put up with years of this shit and it helped tear my mental health apart. Don't make my mistake.

Original poster
PollInLaw · 29/04/2021 20:58

PicaK
Yeah you are right, if you call her up on it, its the standard gaslighting bullshit where she turns it around to be your fault or say things like 'I did not mean it like that'.
The women is zero help, in fact less than zero. Even my DH admitted she is not fit to be our son's grandmother. But he will still not stand up to her because she will either gaslight you and make it your fault, ignore your complaints with crap like 'I did not mean it like that I am just trying to help', or if you push to much she will throw a tantrum. And the tantrum is cutting contact with you for months with a few snide texts saying you are preventing her from seeing her grandchild and some more gaslighting. Or sometimes the tantrum is because she has not got her way.
I know what you mean about helping to tear apart you mental health. One of these days I am just going to slap her because I am at the end of my teather with her. I am not sure what to do other than push for more low contact. It ruins Christmas having to see her. Sorry the reply turned into a rant, I think i could write an essay about the crap she has done.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/04/2021 21:32

@PollInLaw

PicaK Yeah you are right, if you call her up on it, its the standard gaslighting bullshit where she turns it around to be your fault or say things like 'I did not mean it like that'. The women is zero help, in fact less than zero. Even my DH admitted she is not fit to be our son's grandmother. But he will still not stand up to her because she will either gaslight you and make it your fault, ignore your complaints with crap like 'I did not mean it like that I am just trying to help', or if you push to much she will throw a tantrum. And the tantrum is cutting contact with you for months with a few snide texts saying you are preventing her from seeing her grandchild and some more gaslighting. Or sometimes the tantrum is because she has not got her way. I know what you mean about helping to tear apart you mental health. One of these days I am just going to slap her because I am at the end of my teather with her. I am not sure what to do other than push for more low contact. It ruins Christmas having to see her. Sorry the reply turned into a rant, I think i could write an essay about the crap she has done.
Cause a tantrum. Let her stop contact then keep her that way. Too busy, the cat just died, I've got to wash my hair . It'll probably cause another tantrum, more no contact and repeat.

If she doesn't bring anything positive to the table then what's the point really?