How would you take someone saying this? It's a Mil one

[PollInLaw]

I have an autistic son with a speech and language delay who is 3. We are taking speech therapy classes to help. I'm trying the techniques everyday, trying to make learning fun and I read books he likes everyday since he was born. I look online for help with new ideas etc.
Mil says are you talking to him, you need to have more conversations - how would you take this?
A) an insult to your intelligence
B) insinuating you are a bad parent (by neglecting your child and never taking to them)
C) unhelpful information from an idiot
D) other

[PandaLady]

MIL is an idiot though if she thinks her gc can overcome autism by having 'proper conversations' with his Mum.

MIL wouldn't know a proper conversation is it bopped her in the face, she is way too busy chatting shit.

I would take her advise to mean that she doesn't believe op's son has autism. This was a common occurrence with my son who was diagnosed at 2.5yrs. But they are ok to accept the diagnosis now he is 11 and very much presents as a disabled child. Seeing is believing for some fucking idiots.

[PollInLaw]

When you spend all your time thinking, planning, working out different ways to access the expert speech therapy that is so hard to find, buying books, playing games and most of all carrying a worry with you that never goes away, it is bloody insulting to be told to talk more to your child as if that was the problem sums up how I feel

[HumphreyCobblers]

The whole ‘no one talks to their kids anymore’ narrative is most unhelpful for children who have a more essential form of speech problem. I do see that this societal problem needs addressing but it tends to be the assumption for ALL children with delayed language. I fought to get my child into a speech therapy group hoping for some specific help and they carefully explained the family centred communication they used, to which I was slightly despairing as I had read the Hanen method book as soon as I realised there was a problem and we had been using those techniques for two years without result at that point.

He only has language now because we worked our way through the VB MAPP with the aid of a trained ABA therapist. NHS speech therapy was useless to ds.

[Thisnamewasnttaken123]

"mine pays for speech therapy for all reception pupils because they're so behind, and these are NT kids who just haven't been stimulated enough at home."

How can you possibly know that they haven't been stimulated enough at home that that is definitely the reason and they aren't just developing slower?
My child is NT and he had a speech delay.
It was nothing to do with not being stimulated at home, glue ear is common in young children my child had this combined with just being delayed as he was behind in other aspects too.
He is now ahead for his age.
Kids develop all different ways.
Some need some extra help that's all.
The MIL was completely unhelpful implying the mother was the problem especially as she is on the ball and accessing help for her child.

[WutheringTights]

@PollInLaw

Sycamoretrees but it's the first step? Who wouldn't think to talk to their dc?

Lots of people. There are huge numbers of children turning up to school aged four with underdeveloped language skills because parents aren't talking, singing, interacting etc with their babies enough. Just look at the ofsted reports in some deprived primary schools - mine pays for speech therapy for all reception pupils because they're so behind, and these are NT kids who just haven't been stimulated enough at home.

I'd take it as well meaning advice from a concerned grandparent who's been reading scare stories in press and wants the best for her grandchild, and is just probably a bit out of date on your situation.

[stopringingme]

We used to get all this from MIL and Step MIL until we got a diagnosis and I printed off what was wrong with our DD - I gave them files of information and said this is what her diagnosis is it will be helpful if you read it to get an understanding what we are going through.

We have not had very many comments from MIL, but step MIL is a different kettle of fish, so much so I do not go there any more as she thinks she knows everything and does not see that her so called advice is not needed or wanted, she is used to being the boss of her family, she is not the boss of mine.

Just nod and know that you are doing everything you can for your child, you cannot change some people.

[phoenixrosehere]

That really isn't the alternative. It's perfectly possible not to say something stupid and insulting that could be perceived to imply your family member (who is already worried about her child's speech delay) is not only not doing her best to get him the support he needs but is actually neglecting him. It's perfectly possible to say you'd like to know more about the condition and ask if she has any information from the speech therapist she could pass on so that you could educate yourself and understand better. There are lots of alternatives to tactless.

Well said. Better to be silent or ask questions to learn more than give two cents that no one asked for about a subject that one knows little to nothing about.

[Confusedandshaken]

@PollInLaw

Well meaning? But talking to them is the first step isn't it? Who doesn't talk to their child?

What an odd comment. Lots of people don't talk to their children. Not every child is lucky enough to have concerned, loving or supportive parents.

Just ignore your MIL. She probably meant well. Even if she didn't, ignoring her is the best possible tactic.

[MoreMorelos]

Internal eye roll, smile and nod! I've been there with my DS, the stupid comments will continue. Keep working with your DS as you are and with the therapy, keep positive- you'd never know now the struggles mine had when he was younger.

[RosaLuxemb0urg]

C (unhelpful information from an idiot)

[Thisnamewasnttaken123]

"Unfortunately, many people don't talk to their children, don't read with their children and as i see on almost daily basis don't even do the basic things like feed their children adequately or provide them with suitable clothes.

Your MIL is worried because she loves your child. I know it can feel really hard but if you can view her actions as coming from a place of love and concern then it may be easier."

That's irrelevant to the OP though because the mother in law knows her as a mother and can see she is accessing support for her child.
She should be supporting her, its a stressful and worrying time when your child can't speak and you think there may be something wrong.

[Wabe]

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Who doesn't talk to their child?
Unfortunately, many people don't talk to their children, don't read with their children and as i see on almost daily basis don't even do the basic things like feed their children adequately or provide them with suitable clothes.

Your MIL is worried because she loves your child. I know it can feel really hard but if you can view her actions as coming from a place of love and concern then it may be easier.

Absolutely, but this came from the OP's MIL, who presumably sees her DIL interacting with her three year old all the time -- not some anonymous parenting manual which is potentially aimed at inadequate parents who don't feed or clothe their children, far less talk to them and read them bedtime stories.

It's hard to know what to say when you're out of your comfort zone and don't have any experience with autism or language delay. The alternative is that she says nothing and seems not to care or have any interest in his therapy.

That really isn't the alternative. It's perfectly possible not to say something stupid and insulting that could be perceived to imply your family member (who is already worried about her child's speech delay) is not only not doing her best to get him the support he needs but is actually neglecting him. It's perfectly possible to say you'd like to know more about the condition and ask if she has any information from the speech therapist she could pass on so that you could educate yourself and understand better. There are lots of alternatives to tactless.

[Woodlandbelle]

I think she was trying to blame your parenting when your child has a diagnosis and you are doing everything you can on a daily basis. So that comment would sting.

[HumphreyCobblers]

I have a child with massive and profound speech delay and have had many comments like this from people. They actually burn, whatever the person making the comments motivation was, helpful or critical. What they said to me was ‘God you stupid, neglectful woman - can’t you even be bothered to do the basics? If that child was mine they would be cured!’

When you spend all your time thinking, planning, working out different ways to access the expert speech therapy that is so hard to find, buying books, playing games and most of all carrying a worry with you that never goes away, it is bloody insulting to be told to talk more to your child as if that was the problem.

[Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow]

Who doesn't talk to their child?
Unfortunately, many people don't talk to their children, don't read with their children and as i see on almost daily basis don't even do the basic things like feed their children adequately or provide them with suitable clothes.

Your MIL is worried because she loves your child. I know it can feel really hard but if you can view her actions as coming from a place of love and concern then it may be easier.

[PandaLady]

She does not mean well! She is using your child's very real struggles to demonstrate what a fucking genius she is compared to you.

When she talks shit just don't engage. Avoid her as much as is humanly possibly.

Also, re: your dc learning to talk, I have an autistic child who was similarly speech delayed and took heart to heart that most autistic kids learn to talk eventually and will do when they are ready to and not a moment before.

Some kids are not autistic but the speech part of their brains just develop later. They generally start talking around the age of 4 and go on to lead completely NT lives.

[Unreasonabubble]

No she means well. She is coming from a place of non comprehension. Non Acceptance.. My own DM spent years trying to tell me what I needed to do to DS and in the end, she was sending me newspaper articles about children with Autism.

They did not experience this in their Era at school or life so it it is harder for them to accept. But accept they will.

[saraclara]

@Radio4Rocks

Trying to be helpful and showing she takes an interest. No need for you to be so prickly.

That. It's hard to know what to say when you're out of your comfort zone and don't have any experience with autism or language delay. The alternative is that she says nothing and seems not to care or have any interest in his therapy.

Give her a break.

[Myphone]

My MIL is exactly like this and a little bit more. My child was diagnosed at birth with a rare condition and her first response was, “Well he didn’t get any of that from my family.” I know what it is like to feel the rage when the crocodile tears start flowing. I have recently dialled down my interaction with her. I am polite and friendly when I speak to her but leave it to my husband to make calls (he never does).
There is nothing to be had from a huge outburst, you will end up the villain. If she asks an offensive/ridiculous question? Just ask her one straight back.

Best wishes for your little one’s progress.

[Hesma]

I think she is probably well meaning but lacks a grasp of the challenges you are facing. However if I were you I would find it hard not to get upset when you are trying so hard to do the best for your son. I would sit down dnd have a chat over a cuppa, explain what you are doing and how she may be able to play a part in helping your DS.

[PollInLaw]

AccidentallyOnPurpose
If she doesn't bring anything positive to the table then what's the point really?
It is getting DH on board

[AccidentallyOnPurpose]

@PollInLaw

PicaK
Yeah you are right, if you call her up on it, its the standard gaslighting bullshit where she turns it around to be your fault or say things like 'I did not mean it like that'.
The women is zero help, in fact less than zero. Even my DH admitted she is not fit to be our son's grandmother. But he will still not stand up to her because she will either gaslight you and make it your fault, ignore your complaints with crap like 'I did not mean it like that I am just trying to help', or if you push to much she will throw a tantrum. And the tantrum is cutting contact with you for months with a few snide texts saying you are preventing her from seeing her grandchild and some more gaslighting. Or sometimes the tantrum is because she has not got her way.
I know what you mean about helping to tear apart you mental health. One of these days I am just going to slap her because I am at the end of my teather with her. I am not sure what to do other than push for more low contact. It ruins Christmas having to see her. Sorry the reply turned into a rant, I think i could write an essay about the crap she has done.

Cause a tantrum. Let her stop contact then keep her that way. Too busy, the cat just died, I've got to wash my hair . It'll probably cause another tantrum, more no contact and repeat.


If she doesn't bring anything positive to the table then what's the point really?

[PollInLaw]

PicaK
Yeah you are right, if you call her up on it, its the standard gaslighting bullshit where she turns it around to be your fault or say things like 'I did not mean it like that'.
The women is zero help, in fact less than zero. Even my DH admitted she is not fit to be our son's grandmother. But he will still not stand up to her because she will either gaslight you and make it your fault, ignore your complaints with crap like 'I did not mean it like that I am just trying to help', or if you push to much she will throw a tantrum. And the tantrum is cutting contact with you for months with a few snide texts saying you are preventing her from seeing her grandchild and some more gaslighting. Or sometimes the tantrum is because she has not got her way.
I know what you mean about helping to tear apart you mental health. One of these days I am just going to slap her because I am at the end of my teather with her. I am not sure what to do other than push for more low contact. It ruins Christmas having to see her. Sorry the reply turned into a rant, I think i could write an essay about the crap she has done.

[PicaK]

It's B. You know it's B, I know it's B your Mil knows damn well it's B... But she will never admit that. You can't win. If you lose your shit there will be tears, protestations of "I never meant that" and you will get the blame.
All you can control is your reaction to it. And decide whether this woman is helping or not.
Where is your DH in all of this?
Is he standing up for you?
I put up with years of this shit and it helped tear my mental health apart. Don't make my mistake.

[Cam2020]

It all hinges on your relationship and what sort of person MIL is generally. Sometimes something that might seem innocuous to a outsider, might well be loaded.