How would you take someone saying this? It's a Mil one

[PollInLaw]

I have an autistic son with a speech and language delay who is 3. We are taking speech therapy classes to help. I'm trying the techniques everyday, trying to make learning fun and I read books he likes everyday since he was born. I look online for help with new ideas etc.
Mil says are you talking to him, you need to have more conversations - how would you take this?
A) an insult to your intelligence
B) insinuating you are a bad parent (by neglecting your child and never taking to them)
C) unhelpful information from an idiot
D) other

Some people don't talk much to their baby, OP. Your MIL means well and it doesn't seem to be a criticism of you.
Times have probably changed a lot since she had a baby, and I'm sure she only wants the best for her grandchild.

A bit of A,B, and C.

I just internally eyeroll because often they don’t get it or know what it’s like to have a child with special needs when you yourself had no exposure to it and are learning. My dad said the same sh*t until he actually had to deal with our autistic son having a meltdown. He couldn’t calm him and felt helpless which made him angry enough to hand our son back and walk off while I handled it. His only experience was helping care for older brother who had cerebral palsy which he thought would be similar and it wasn’t.

If she’s normally nice I’d just roll my eyes.

I saw on another thread when someone said similar they did a huge gasp and really over dramatic “Oh! You mean I should talk to my child, why on earth didn’t I think of that?! You are a genius”

@PollInLaw

Well meaning? But talking to them is the first step isn't it? Who doesn't talk to their child?

Well... my MIL has said the same thing to dh.

Dc2 (like dc1) has been brought bilingual but unlike dc1, dc2 struggled a lot with his English (my own mother tongue was good).
DH was reading to him every other day, and would have said was looking after him.
In reality he didn’t have CONVERSATIONS with dc2.

Result: dc2 struggled with his English until he was in Y1 :(

Sorry I meant to say.
I agree talking is the most obvious thing to do. But actually some people just don’t get the difference between having a conversation/playing with a child and just telling them what to do from time to time whilst generally leaving them be.

I think the 'are you talking to him' part would particularly piss me off, like you are neglecting him.
I would voice that she has pissed me off.
Having a child with speech delay is hard enough without people insulting your parenting.

I wouldn't take it as a personal affront. I imagine that it was just a suggestion that it could help to verbalise nearly everything you do, point things out everywhere etc etc. I.e. more talking than you would usually do with a child without speech difficulties.

I.e. rather than putting down breakfast and saying 'breakfast time, eat up'; saying 'Here is your breakfast, it's at the table, today. It is x, y and z. Do you like x? I really like x as it's healthy and tasty, I wonder what we will do today. What do you think about going to the park. Is that tasting good etc etc and anon.' Even if responses are limited.

I’d assume she likes to state the obvious and it’s well meaning, and she couldn’t think of anything else to say.

Unless there’s a back story and she’s generally a bit cunty to you.

E) All of them.

My son had severe speech problems, I remember the nursery teacher saying lots of kids nowa days have speech problems due to the increase in screen time. Made me feel awful, he actually has speech dyspraxia. His brother is fine. Obviously I didn't stick him in front of the screen as much then 🙄. I'm not saying there isn't some truth in what she said, but I talked to my babies from day 1!

You might think that it's obvious you need to speak to your child but salt have been saying that many "delays" are due to adults not talking to their kids, they are on their phones rather than conversing with their kids. I've personally seen this happen, an acquaintances grandson and we did try to tell them they needed to read/talk etc ;the mum was very young hence grandmother bringing up child and she obviously didn't want to

B

Probably C but I think you are wrong thinking that everybody talks to their children / babies , lots of people really do not , it’s the same as assuming that everyone reads to their children - they don’t .

I would take it as a sign you obviously haven't told her the details of what you're doing.

Some people respond to problems by feeling the need to 'fix' them, and if its an area they don't have expertise in what they suggest as a fix can be obvious and basic.

My child has allergies and my mother says all sorts of nonsense to me about them, ranging from it was my fault for drinking coke while pregnant/breastfeeding to insinuating we aren't feeding her properly. It did actually help to tell her in detail what the specialists said, and suggested, and what we were doing.

But yes - lots of people talk to their children as in, 'Ella, can I have the toy?' or 'Let's go to the park'

Many don't say 'oh are you playing with that toy? What is it? oh look its a car! A green car! where is the car going? Is it driving on the road?' because, well, you can feel like a twat some times.

Other people commenting on your child rearing is infuriating but not necessarily coming from a bad place.

I think in this case you’re overthinking things. People that haven’t experienced children with difficulties always try and offer what they think is really helpful advice, and are sceptical when you say you’ve done that and are doing it. I had the same with speech delayed twins.

Of course it might be that she just thinks you’re crap. I think it’s more likely that you’re rubbing each other the wrong way as you can’t get away from one another.

If your MIL was my MIL, it would be (D) 'the first thing out of her mouth from a well-meaning but fundamentally tactless and unimaginative person who used to be the bustling matriarch of a big family and is responding badly to the leaching away of that power by doing extra bustling, and who simply doesn't have the theory of mind to think "Would I find this helpful or pleasant if I were the perfectly capable mother of a small child with a speech delay?"'

Also, if your MIL were my MIL, she would continue to say it at intervals, because it's her idea, and she will keep voicing it, like a bird call, unless someone actually gagged her.

However, if your DH were my DH, he would say 'Seriously? Why don't you rethink that comment?'

C.
DS2 has a language disorder and struggled to talk for a long time. People would always tell me I should contact speech therapy (he's been under their care since he was 2) or I should spend more time playing with him and less TV time. Used to get on my nerves.

If she's normally a decent and nice person and doesn't have form for this I'd go with other "I have no idea what I'm talking about but I must try and be helpful".

Ignorant and annoying but mostly benign.

If however this is the norm for her and always blames you for everything and looking for fault then it's either a or B or a mix of both. Whatever it is you could never measure up to her stellar parenting.

Probably being a bit tactless, if it was my MIL I would probably laugh and say "fuckinell Sharon, of course I speak to him 😂 ".

Then we would both laugh and that would be the end of the trauma.

Mil says are you talking to him, you need to have more conversations

How I would take that is

"She doesn't know how we interact. She asked because she's trying to figure out what the solution might be."

tbh, yeah I talked to DC but I didn't make good eye contact & talk slowly face to face & repetitively. I had to learn to do those things to help their speech therapy.

fundamentally tactless and unimaginative person who used to be the bustling matriarch of a big family and is responding badly to the leaching away of that power by doing extra bustling, and who simply doesn't have the theory of mind to think "Would I find this helpful or pleasant that sums up my mil quite well I think

She sounds uneducated on your child's needs. Maybe share some of your learning with her. Although it's not your responsibility to educate her on what is and isn't appropriate to suggest, you turning it into a learning opportunity may make her more understanding in future situations and prevent any further upset. I'm sorry she said that to you though, it can't be nice putting in so much effort to help your child only to be spoken to like that.

"Gosh, really? I never thought of that." Rinse and repeat as necessary.

Op you would be amazed but not everyone does talk the same amount to their very young children.
Maybe your mil has come across this in her past.

I have.

And they are lovely, caring parents who are seeing to the needs of their children in all other ways.