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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid advice

66 replies

WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 15:00

I have a BM who has been a bit ghosty, from day 1 everyone has had vibes that she really isnt interested in being in the bridal party, which is fair enough but it's rubbed a few up the wrong way that she's not been engaging at all.

One of my BM, my sister, was diagnosed with cancer and is going through chemo and I can't even begin to explain how devastated we all are, but she insisted we dont postpone the wedding because she needs something positive to look forward, just can she get a bit more help with things.

I asked the other BM if she'd mind coming the day before the wedding (Fri) to help set up the venue, (she's avoided being involved with anything so far). I didnt actually tell her my sister is very sick so we need extra help, because that's my sisters business if and when she wants people to know and I dont want to guilt anyone or use it as a power play.

I asked her 4 months in advance and she said that work might not let her have the day off (a Fri), she wasnt sure if she could help but she'd let me know by the end of the week. She hadnt asked for the leave yet so it felt a bit like she was getting her excuses in early, but I said, no worries, let me know etc. Then she went silent again for 6 weeks and honestly it sucked that she ghosted me again.

Yesterday she messaged me to say her grandma had died suddenly and I replied saying I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do etc. Then today she messaged to say the funeral was the day before the wedding so she couldn't help after all.

Would I be a complete jerk to send her my condolences but add that we understand if she didnt want to be a bridesmaid any more and just come as a guest, as she has a lot going on and might want to focus on her family and not have the pressure? edited by MNHQ at OP's request. But I dont know if giving her a way out of being a BM would be a relief for her or make her feel like shes been booted out.

OP posts:
Angrypregnantlady · 29/04/2021 15:04

I think that would be the right thing to do. For both of you. No hard feelings though, just let her be a guest and let it go if you're otherwise good friends.
Wishing your sister well.

Chanel05 · 29/04/2021 15:10

Very sorry to hear about your sister and wishing her good health. Thanks
I'd suggest just removing bridesmaid duties, but be prepared for her not to come at all on that basis.

Very sad if she is attending a funeral the day before of course but that aside, if she didn't want to take a day off work to help, regardless of whether she is a bridesmaid, she shouldn't have to.

FluffMagnet · 29/04/2021 15:13

Honestly - it's your wedding to arrange and host, and bridesmaids are just an honorary role on the day. Can you not ask other friends to help decorate - it won't take long with many hands making light work.

Aprilx · 29/04/2021 15:15

I think a message inviting her to step down is possibly going to be construed as you asking her to, up to you if that is the step you want to take. Personally I would just leave it. I cannot imagine anyone would lie about the date of their grandmothers funeral. Also I must admit, I didn’t know bridesmaids generally helped “set up”, I thought the venue had staff to do that, admittedly I will caveat that I have never been a bridesmaid.

Original poster
WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 15:15

Thank you for your wishes. Flowers

Very sad if she is attending a funeral the day before of course but that aside, if she didn't want to take a day off work to help, regardless of whether she is a bridesmaid, she shouldn't have to. yes I felt like she'd probably not really feel like smiling for photos and parading down an aisle the day after that :( of course I would never expect anyone to use their annual leave for my wedding, I cant expect my wedding to be as important to everyone else as it is me and DH, I just prefer when people say nope rather than stop talking to me completely.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 29/04/2021 15:19

I would leave it. I don't know how much engagement is required for bridesmaids? Mine just showed up on the day. Aside from dresses we didn't even discuss things.

brokengate · 29/04/2021 15:19

Really sorry about your sisterThanks

I would feel the same and with what you have written, I agree.

Just thinking of the other side is she posted thoughWinkmy friend sacked me as bridesmaid because I had a funeral the day before the wedding.

Original poster
WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 15:20

@Aprilx

I think a message inviting her to step down is possibly going to be construed as you asking her to, up to you if that is the step you want to take. Personally I would just leave it. I cannot imagine anyone would lie about the date of their grandmothers funeral. Also I must admit, I didn’t know bridesmaids generally helped “set up”, I thought the venue had staff to do that, admittedly I will caveat that I have never been a bridesmaid.
Yes I am worried she will feel that way. I love her to bits and wouldnt want her to feel rejected but equally dont want her to feel like shes obligated to do anything. I dont see why she would lie about it, I'd be upset if she didnt feel like she could just say no to me. We've been pretty close friends for a long time so I'd be surprised if she wasnt comfortable enough to be honest with me. The involvement of bridesmaids is very much dependent on the wedding, it's different for everyone. We're saving a lot of money by doing a lot of it ourselves and everyone seems to be enjoying getting involved. I dont know if COVID has contributed to that as no one has been able to do much for a while!
OP posts:
Original poster
WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 15:23

@Josette77

I would leave it. I don't know how much engagement is required for bridesmaids? Mine just showed up on the day. Aside from dresses we didn't even discuss things.
I've BM-d a few times and found it varies a lot from wedding to wedding.
OP posts:
freecuthbert · 29/04/2021 15:26

I think you are putting a bit much on her as a bridesmaid to be fair, although I have never gotten married myself. But I would think the responsibility for these things mainly lies with you as the bride. And in some workplaces it can be difficult to get leave even with 4 months notice, I'd imagine a lot of people are booking leave around this time as we come out of lockdown as well. There's lots of reasons why she may have felt it would be difficult to get the time off for helping with setting up. Or maybe she just didn't want to do it, but it's not like she should have to surely. I'd probably just leave it, I personally don't get the big deal, but weddings are not my thing anyway! I think asking her to step down could come across as nasty even if it's not intended to be.

Original poster
WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 15:26

@brokengate

Really sorry about your sisterThanks

I would feel the same and with what you have written, I agree.

Just thinking of the other side is she posted thoughWinkmy friend sacked me as bridesmaid because I had a funeral the day before the wedding.

Thank you Flowers It's been such a shock, she is so young :( I've never been so angry at the universe for anything before now.

Thanks for your advice as well, and also I'm thinking of her feeling like I've sacked her because of a funeral. I definitely don't want her to feel like that. I don't know how to say it's clear that it's entirely her choice and no hard feelings either way. :/

OP posts:
freecuthbert · 29/04/2021 15:27

I am not saying you are being nasty at all by the way, just that she could read it that way, so I wouldn't bother

MindyStClaire · 29/04/2021 15:27

I wouldn't expect to be decorating venues as a BM... I would leave it, do you really want her telling people "Well fired me as a bridesmaid because I went to my granny's funeral instead of decorate her venue"?

Conkergame · 29/04/2021 15:28

Op it sounds like you’re pissed off at her for not helping out and are now “punishing” her tbh. Sorry to hear about your sister, that’s awful, but it shouldn’t mean your BM has to take time off work for your wedding, especially as she doesn’t know about the illness. I’m sure you’ll have the perfect day even without her help.

brokengate · 29/04/2021 15:29

I think it would have to be about her.

I'm so sorry about your granny. Would it be easier for you to just attend as a guest or are you feeling ok to continue as BM?

Bourbonic · 29/04/2021 15:30

I think you're wholly in the wrong here. To even insinuate she's lying about the funeral is horrid. She could have just said she had to work so no further excuse needed.

And you clearly do expect her to book a days holiday to come and help, which is unreasonable all on its own.

Finally, the wedding must be very near if there's a funeral confirmed the day before. To create a fuss now, on the back of her bereavement, would be crass. You've had 4 months to decide it wasn't working for you.

Original poster
WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 15:30

@freecuthbert

I think you are putting a bit much on her as a bridesmaid to be fair, although I have never gotten married myself. But I would think the responsibility for these things mainly lies with you as the bride. And in some workplaces it can be difficult to get leave even with 4 months notice, I'd imagine a lot of people are booking leave around this time as we come out of lockdown as well. There's lots of reasons why she may have felt it would be difficult to get the time off for helping with setting up. Or maybe she just didn't want to do it, but it's not like she should have to surely. I'd probably just leave it, I personally don't get the big deal, but weddings are not my thing anyway! I think asking her to step down could come across as nasty even if it's not intended to be.
Of course I would understand any reason she gave me to say she couldnt do it. I would never just outright expect it, I only asked her if she would be able to and tried to make it clear it was fine if she couldnt come. I definitely wouldnt want to come across nasty, particularly while shes grieving. I just dont know if shed prefer not to be doing the whole bridesmaid thing the day after a funeral =/
OP posts:
TheDuchessOfBeddington · 29/04/2021 15:31

@Josette77

I would leave it. I don't know how much engagement is required for bridesmaids? Mine just showed up on the day. Aside from dresses we didn't even discuss things.
I know what you mean. In my opinion the only reasonable expectation is that they stand at the front/walk behind you in the appropriate attire.

I had 3 bridesmaids and they all had different levels of involvement depending on what they wanted to do.

One was super involved as she loves weddings! She even came to the menu tasting and venue visits with my DH and helped decorate etc.

One just showed up for hair and make up, walked behind me, and took my bouquet for the ceremony. Neither is wrong.

But I think asking her if she wants to step down may be taken in the wrong way. Tell her you are there to support her and ask if there is anything you can do to help her cope with the wedding after the funeral, and take it from there.

Bourbonic · 29/04/2021 15:35

Also, I think its lame how you're now trying to claim you're just concerned about her. If that were the case, the only part of the story to tell would have been that your bridesmaid has suffered a bereavement with the funeral the day before your wedding.

Original poster
WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 15:36

@Bourbonic

I think you're wholly in the wrong here. To even insinuate she's lying about the funeral is horrid. She could have just said she had to work so no further excuse needed.

And you clearly do expect her to book a days holiday to come and help, which is unreasonable all on its own.

Finally, the wedding must be very near if there's a funeral confirmed the day before. To create a fuss now, on the back of her bereavement, would be crass. You've had 4 months to decide it wasn't working for you.

I'm really only asking if it would be the right thing to do to give her a way out of being a bridesmaid the day after a funeral. I'm not sure how I would feel about being a BM that day after a funeral but I probably wouldnt be feeling my most cheerful. Of course she could have said any reason to not come on the Friday, I'm not holding that against her at all and wouldn't expect that of her, I only asked if she could, I didn't demand it. I was just upset that she has completely stopped talking to me whenever I have tried to talk to her, about anything wedding or not. We were really close and used to message constantly so I dont really know why she barely replies to me anymore.

The wedding is 3 months away.

OP posts:
Original poster
WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 15:37

@Bourbonic

Also, I think its lame how you're now trying to claim you're just concerned about her. If that were the case, the only part of the story to tell would have been that your bridesmaid has suffered a bereavement with the funeral the day before your wedding.
Don't be silly. Of course I am concerned about her, I wouldn't have asked her to me a BM if I didnt care about her.
OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 29/04/2021 15:38

I think you are directing your very understandable anger about your sister’s illness ( for which I’m truly sorry) against your BM. She doesn’t and never has had the full picture as to why you need more support. She’s been poor at communicating but you haven’t really kept her in the loop. Maybe it was always difficult for her to take the day off, maybe she didn’t want to or forgot; because you haven’t asked her you don’t know.

Now she’s lost her grandmother and it’s very unlikely the funeral is a lie. Call her and ask her if she still feels up to being your BM. That gives her the choice.

Have a lovely day regardless and best wishes to your sister.

TheDuchessOfBeddington · 29/04/2021 15:39

Why would a funeral be arranged 3 months in advance?

I don’t know much about how it works but that seems really strange to me. Is it Covid related?

MatildaTheCat · 29/04/2021 15:40

Just read your last post. Funeral in 3 months is extremely odd. Call her and discuss, possibly one of you has the wrong end of the stick?

Original poster
WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 15:41

@MatildaTheCat

I think you are directing your very understandable anger about your sister’s illness ( for which I’m truly sorry) against your BM. She doesn’t and never has had the full picture as to why you need more support. She’s been poor at communicating but you haven’t really kept her in the loop. Maybe it was always difficult for her to take the day off, maybe she didn’t want to or forgot; because you haven’t asked her you don’t know.

Now she’s lost her grandmother and it’s very unlikely the funeral is a lie. Call her and ask her if she still feels up to being your BM. That gives her the choice.

Have a lovely day regardless and best wishes to your sister.

Perhaps I am, I would never intentionally do that to her. At least I have not had an outburst at her, I'd feel so terrible if I took out my anger on her. :/
OP posts:
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