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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaid advice

66 replies

WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 15:00

I have a BM who has been a bit ghosty, from day 1 everyone has had vibes that she really isnt interested in being in the bridal party, which is fair enough but it's rubbed a few up the wrong way that she's not been engaging at all.

One of my BM, my sister, was diagnosed with cancer and is going through chemo and I can't even begin to explain how devastated we all are, but she insisted we dont postpone the wedding because she needs something positive to look forward, just can she get a bit more help with things.

I asked the other BM if she'd mind coming the day before the wedding (Fri) to help set up the venue, (she's avoided being involved with anything so far). I didnt actually tell her my sister is very sick so we need extra help, because that's my sisters business if and when she wants people to know and I dont want to guilt anyone or use it as a power play.

I asked her 4 months in advance and she said that work might not let her have the day off (a Fri), she wasnt sure if she could help but she'd let me know by the end of the week. She hadnt asked for the leave yet so it felt a bit like she was getting her excuses in early, but I said, no worries, let me know etc. Then she went silent again for 6 weeks and honestly it sucked that she ghosted me again.

Yesterday she messaged me to say her grandma had died suddenly and I replied saying I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do etc. Then today she messaged to say the funeral was the day before the wedding so she couldn't help after all.

Would I be a complete jerk to send her my condolences but add that we understand if she didnt want to be a bridesmaid any more and just come as a guest, as she has a lot going on and might want to focus on her family and not have the pressure? edited by MNHQ at OP's request. But I dont know if giving her a way out of being a BM would be a relief for her or make her feel like shes been booted out.

OP posts:

Original poster

WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 17:41

@ChateauMargaux I guess I just want my friend back really. I do miss her but like you say it sounds like I can either start an argument or let things drift away. Both suck but I guess I'd prefer not to have a row with her. I think I will probably do as many people have advised and just be there for her and let her decide if she wants to be a BM without me suggesting it and I can just trust she will let me know. I would still want her to be in the wedding, I guess I just wish she would be in the wedding as my best friend and not as someone who I've barely spoken to in the last year.

OP posts:

BlueVelvetStars · 29/04/2021 17:42

OP... you sound lovely, you're considering everyone else's feeling above and beyond your own, you're too kind tbh and I think she's taking the piss.

Call her and tell her you would prefer she comes as a guest, allowing her to step back and grieve the loss of her gran.

Then focus on your big Day 🌸

Womencanlift · 29/04/2021 17:55

The funeral is the day before the wedding but the wedding is 3 months away???

Have I read that right?

Either there is a massive backlog in the OP’s area or this is complete nonsense

freecuthbert · 29/04/2021 17:58

I think some people are doing a "funeral" months after the actual burial/cremation due to lockdown, so more people can attend and remember the relative how they would have liked. I am only speculating though, not sure what other reason they could be. Someone mentioned cultural/religious reasons, but can't think of any myself, does anyone know?

Original poster

WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 18:04

@BlueVelvetStars that's really sweet of you to say! At least there are some on here that don't think I'm a complete monster. I wish I had a personal yoda who would tell me what the right thing to do is sometimes! Sometimes I just know and other times I just argue with myself over what I should do!

@Womencanlift that is correct, the wedding is in 3 months. I wondered whether it was a COVID thing, like some others on here have suggested. I had a friend once who used a funeral excuse for something else and then forgot I was on their social media and they were posting photos of them in a donut shop all day, so it's not unheard of :/ I really really hope it is not a fib though, I would be gutted if she didnt feel like she could just be honest with me, like she didn't want to use up her annual leave or something. I don't think she'd be that distasteful to pretend there was a funeral though :/ I'm sure she wouldn't do that... I'm sure most people wouldn't do that!

OP posts:

Becles · 29/04/2021 18:17

My grandfather was buried 5 months after he died. Of the bereavements I had last year:

Died in March 2020 - cremation (no one present) no 'funeral' or service as yet

Died beginning of June 2020 - service in September

Died beginning of September- cremation and service enforcement of September

My friend's gran died last autumn, but the body is in the mortuary until her family can fly in for a full service.

Chamonixshoopshoop · 29/04/2021 18:30

Op, I had a friend become wedding obsessed and it was very tedious.
Now she’s out the other side of her wedding frenzy we’re good friends again.
But I stopped replying to endless wedding chat, do I think this or this or this?!

I also didn’t ask my bridesmaids to do anything the day before as a Friday is super awkward and a lot have jobs/kids etc

In the nicest possible way, just be a friend to her again and stop trying to put bridemaid shit on her. See if the relationship improves?

If not, then there’s something else and you need to have it out with her properly and get to the bottom of it

ChateauMargaux · 29/04/2021 18:34

@WellLarDeDar It does sound painful for you and I am sorry. I think there is no right thing to do. If you give her an out.. she may spin that in her head as you pushing her out. If you leave it as it is, you might feel resentful that she is not the friend she once was.

liaun · 30/04/2021 07:55

I had this situation with a bridesmaid, she just clearly wasn't interested or enthused by it. I asked if she wanted to pull out and she agreed, it was fairly amicable, but then we didn't talk for a few months (surprisingly she got back in touch 3 weeks before the wedding). It ultimately ended the friendship but she was making my wedding planning miserable so it was the only way out really. Do what's best for you, unfortunately you can't force people to be good bridesmaids

Icecreamsoda99 · 30/04/2021 08:11

I'm very sorry to hear about your sister, if you can afford it I would strongly recommend a wedding planner who can decorate the venue and take out the stress of organization on the day, mine was great and I paid out for her as I didn't want my mum or bridesmaids to have to do anything but enjoy the day. I think some people love being an all in bridesmaid and helping with everything and for others they are delighted to be asked and happy to be exicted for the bride and as another poser put "look decorative on the day" but haven't got the time to do all the extras. It's also very hard to say no to a friend who asks you to be a bridesmaids and to drop out if you find the expectations on you are not what is expected. Call your friend, explain how you want everyone to enjoy the day and if she would feel more comfortable after the very difficult time she's had just being a guest than you won't be upset as ultimately you want her to enjoy the day as much as she can as well.

An0n0n0n · 30/04/2021 08:15

Why not just phone her with condolences?

A text will be a death knell to your friendship

ivfgottwins · 30/04/2021 09:50

I've never heard of a funeral being booked 3 months in advance???

Anyway my BMs did nothing - I didn't expect them to - I'd just rope other family members in if you really can't sort it yourself?

BlueVelvetStars · 30/04/2021 14:04

@ivfgottwins

I've never heard of a funeral being booked 3 months in advance???

Anyway my BMs did nothing - I didn't expect them to - I'd just rope other family members in if you really can't sort it yourself?

A lot of funerals are terribly delayed due to covid restrictions, so it might be true. 🌸

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/04/2021 14:17

I asked my bridesmaids to be then because I wanted them to be there, not because they could decorate the venue etc. Turning up on the day is surely all that should be expected of wedding guests.
If guests need to help plan or set up scale back or pay someone to do it.

Naunet · 30/04/2021 17:31

The wedding is in 3 months? In what country or culture are funerals held that long after a death? I've never heard of it

Just to add some context, I’m in the UK, my Nan died last year, it was at the height of COVID, but her funeral took about 3 months so it’s not impossible in today’s climate.

saraclara · 30/04/2021 17:40

Call her. If she's not responding to texts, call and offer your condolences. And if the subject of her being BM comes up, at least she has your tone of voice to go by, so misunderstandings will be less likely.

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