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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaid advice

66 replies

WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 15:00

I have a BM who has been a bit ghosty, from day 1 everyone has had vibes that she really isnt interested in being in the bridal party, which is fair enough but it's rubbed a few up the wrong way that she's not been engaging at all.

One of my BM, my sister, was diagnosed with cancer and is going through chemo and I can't even begin to explain how devastated we all are, but she insisted we dont postpone the wedding because she needs something positive to look forward, just can she get a bit more help with things.

I asked the other BM if she'd mind coming the day before the wedding (Fri) to help set up the venue, (she's avoided being involved with anything so far). I didnt actually tell her my sister is very sick so we need extra help, because that's my sisters business if and when she wants people to know and I dont want to guilt anyone or use it as a power play.

I asked her 4 months in advance and she said that work might not let her have the day off (a Fri), she wasnt sure if she could help but she'd let me know by the end of the week. She hadnt asked for the leave yet so it felt a bit like she was getting her excuses in early, but I said, no worries, let me know etc. Then she went silent again for 6 weeks and honestly it sucked that she ghosted me again.

Yesterday she messaged me to say her grandma had died suddenly and I replied saying I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do etc. Then today she messaged to say the funeral was the day before the wedding so she couldn't help after all.

Would I be a complete jerk to send her my condolences but add that we understand if she didnt want to be a bridesmaid any more and just come as a guest, as she has a lot going on and might want to focus on her family and not have the pressure? edited by MNHQ at OP's request. But I dont know if giving her a way out of being a BM would be a relief for her or make her feel like shes been booted out.

OP posts:

MozzarellaMonster · 29/04/2021 15:49

Yeah not understanding how a funeral can be 3 months away..
I get why you feel she might not want to be involved as it's more the lack of communication.
I personally think you should just leave it and not suggest her stepping down, she's agreed to do it and if she wants out I'd leave it to her to tell you that.... as a pp above I might say let me know if there is anything I can do to help etc

Meltedwellie · 29/04/2021 16:07

Sounds like she felt cornered into making up an excuse. From the tone of how you talk about her, I’d think it unlikely that you would’ve said, oh okay, that’s fine. Looking forward to seeing you on the day and meant it without feeling resentful. She doesn’t have to do any of the organising, that’s up to you to sort out. A bridesmaid just has to turn up, share the getting ready etc, walk with you into the church, then stand in photos.

Mummy1608 · 29/04/2021 16:11

@MindyStClaire

I wouldn't expect to be decorating venues as a BM... I would leave it, do you really want her telling people "Well fired me as a bridesmaid because I went to my granny's funeral instead of decorate her venue"?

I can't read it any other way than this

CaraherEIL · 29/04/2021 16:13

I think if you don’t want any hassle around your wedding then I would just send condolences. If you step her down from being a bridesmaid when her granny has just died that’s how she will position it in her mind.
I think just call in someone else to help on the Friday and then see her at the wedding. I understand you have the massive stress of your sisters illness and trying to organise your wedding but this friend doesn’t know about your sisters situation. You just don’t need the hassle of her phoning up or having a row with you because she has been demoted. You have to try and avoid anything that might stress or upset you more so close to your wedding because you already have enough to cope with with your sisters diagnosis. It’s already going to be hard enough to hold it together. All the best for your sister I hope the treatment is really successful. I hope you have a beautiful wedding.

Echobelly · 29/04/2021 16:14

I do think a lot of people don't know what's expected of BMs. Honestly, before my marriage and going on wedding forums I thought you just turned up, wore the dress and tried not to look better than the bride. I reckon there is a lot of misunderstanding and some people are just taken aback when they're asked to do things they didn't expect as BM. so I wouldn't hold it against her, I can see someone not wanting to own up they just didn't want to be that involved. Not saying you were asking anything unreasonable at all, just may be a case of different expectations.

Mummy1608 · 29/04/2021 16:14

Some funerals have to be arranged months in advance depending on religious requirements and availability. My granddad's was months after he died

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot · 29/04/2021 16:17

The role of the bridesmaid is to be decorative on the day.

Anything else is a plus, not an expectation.

Sacking someone from the role because they are attending a funeral at a time when you were hoping to rope on friends for a (non-bridesmaid) task seems all kinds of wrong to me

CaraherEIL · 29/04/2021 16:21

I do think there should be a bit of a feeling of shared camaraderie with the bride and her bridesmaids and does seem like this bridesmaid has been very much out of the loop right from the start I think even if you don’t do extra jobs, that is quite unusual.

Original poster

WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 16:21

@Meltedwellie

Well I can see your point but I would always exercise caution when applying a tone to written words. Things are easy to misconstrue in text, a lot of how we interpret communication is through the voice but text has no voice to go with it. I've definitely misread texts before to mean something harsher than what was intended and made the wrong conclusion. I suppose all I can do it try to reassure you that I am an easy going person and not really the sort to corner people. I have tried my best to be relaxed about things and people have never really felt uncomfortable disagreeing with me. Unfortunately I have to use text to try and convince you!

I would be happy for any of the BMs to do as much or as little as they want, I would only ask that they let me know either way instead of blanking me.

OP posts:

LilMidge01 · 29/04/2021 16:23

This is all a bit confusing (funeral 3 months away)...take weddings and funerals out of it and talk as friends. Catch up. Are you even friends outside of wedding stuff?

LilMidge01 · 29/04/2021 16:24

Or maybe that's the issue...do you actually know what is goi on her in life or do you only talk to her about your wedding? (Not meant nastily, just wondering...)

TulipsTwoLips · 29/04/2021 16:25

I would leave it. Different people on here have taken your words in very different ways so I guess it shows how easily misunderstandings happen, and she could end up being very offended or hurt if she takes it as being dropped.

VegCheeseandCrackers · 29/04/2021 16:25

I wouldn't sack her because of the funeral. We don't know what the situation is as to why the funeral is so far away.
Ask another friend or family member to come and help, and to say thanks have them included in the festivities the night before and morning of the wedding.

Notaroadrunner · 29/04/2021 16:28

The wedding is in 3 months? In what country or culture are funerals held that long after a death? I've never heard of it.

Ring her and you might get a sense of what she wants to do by talking as opposed to sending messages.

Original poster

WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 16:32

@Echobelly

When I have BM-d in the past I have been very involved beyond just turning up.

All I've really asked of her is to think about dresses she liked the style of (I bought the dresses), or hairstyles she thinks might look nice for her (as I'm paying for a hair stylist), give some ideas for the hen party or can she think of good songs to get people dancing. We both do performing arts shows together in our free time so used to message things like that to each other all the time anyway, I honestly didnt think it would be much different it's just an extension of conversations we were having anyway :/. TBH I really miss all that and she wont even reply to messages about that any more.

OP posts:

LilMidge01 · 29/04/2021 16:34

Tbh it sounds like you need to just talk to her (not starting with the wedding as the first topic of conversation!!) Hows her lockdown been? Etc etc...if you are friends just talk about other stuff first to clear the aur and get some honest and open conversation going first as it sounds like shes clammjng up on you...there is likely a reason

Wynston · 29/04/2021 16:35

Just ask her op if everything is ok??

Original poster

WellLarDeDar · 29/04/2021 16:39

@LilMidge01

Honestly I do! We used to talk all the time. I know about all her family, her parents and her siblings lives. About her pets and how her job is going. Her love life, how much of a knob her landlord is. How one of her friends from work is turning into a complete jerk! Honestly I am not out of the loop at all with her life. I tried recently to organise meeting up for dinner once the restrictions started to lift and she just didnt reply at all :(

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 29/04/2021 16:44

If this woman is close enough to be your bridesmaid she’s close enough to call and have a conversation.

Just pick up the phone and have a chat.

If you can’t do that then it’s not much of a friendship.

Palavah · 29/04/2021 16:56

You have a friend close enough that you've asked her to be bridesmaid. She's been behaving somewhat differently towards you and has suffered a bereavement.

Tbh I think your first thought should be to have a chat with her and find out if she's ok, before expecting her to decorate your venue.

Does she live by herself? Is she single? Has her work/income been afffected through lockdown? If any of these then that will have made life even harder.

It would be callous to stand her down without actually checking in.

Palavah · 29/04/2021 16:59

And, I'm very sorry about your sister. That can't be easy for any of you.

ChateauMargaux · 29/04/2021 17:10

I think in this situation you either need to come to terms with the fact that she has drawn away from your friendship and allow her to turn up on the day and stand in as bridesmaid or you need to tell her that you are hurt by her distance and see what she has to say and risk her telling you that you are being unreasonable to expect so much from her as a bridesmaid and

EL8888 · 29/04/2021 17:12

Sometimes people have unrealistic expectations around their weddings and how much input they can reasonably expect from others. It’s like when people have a baby, to them it’s the biggest thing in the world but realistically other people have their own things going own as well. Which some people get aggrieved at but it’s just the way it is. Your bridesmaid has other things going on in her life

It’s not impossible for it to be 3 months until a funeral at the moment. With the pandemic then l know people who have waited well over a month for very standard funeral arrangements, with no specific requirements

Sorry to hear about your sister and lots of vibes for her with her treatment

Quitelikeacatslife · 29/04/2021 17:19

I'd message your condolences and ask to take her out to (outside )lunch and talk to her face to face. Don't mention wedding until you have talked about her first. If she ghosts you or declines then would be your way in to see if she would prefer to be guest instead, up to her.

ChateauMargaux · 29/04/2021 17:35

oops.. posted too soon.. and she might then take it badly and not want to come.

What do you want to happen?

She is not at this stage going to turn around and offer you the help, support and connection that you want so if you want her to still be your bridesmaid, let it go but maybe give her the option of backing out if you want, especially if you would rather not have her by your side on the day.

If you question her engagement in your wedding or your friendship, I suspect it will only result in further estrangement.

If you let things slide and follow her cues, I suspect it will result in your friendship drifting but less dramatically.

I think you want her to be as close as you once were and are hurt by her behaviour and would rather she was no longer your bridesmaid if she does not feel about you the way you do about her but you don't want to be the one to make that call.

A funeral 3 months away.. not very convincing.... but she is unlikely to be in an acute state of grief the next day.

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