Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To secretly pay someone to clean my house?

67 replies

BeetieBourke · 28/04/2021 16:21

My house is a tip. Its tidy, but frankly filthy. We live in the country which means mud is a feature of our lives A LOT. It's an old house with lots of beams and stone, which isn't quick to clean.

DH has a mucky manual job, and thinks having to change clothes when he gets in, not trapsing crap everywhere etc is excessive. He also believes dusting is uneccesary (very rural + open fires + dog + DH = lots of cobwebs and dust). He doesn't believe housework is my job, he just doesn't see dirt or think its a problem.

We have a 5yr old DS. I am a full time student and juggling parenting/school closures/covid/academic work has not been a picnic. I've neglected thorough housework because I've just not had time. We've all been home a lot more, which makes the place feel more lived in.

Its starting to do my head in. I can't think straight for all the dust, filthy windows, and other jobs that need doing. I also sent have time to take a whole day or two out of valuable time when my son is in school to properly tackle it.

DH also also notoriously tight/careful with money. We are on a low income + some student grants. But because student funding is paid termly I have quite a chunk of money which I transfer into our joint account monthly and a tiny bit left over.

WIBU to use some of this money to pay a cleaning company to do a one off spring clean, and then basically lie about it? I know DS would disapprove, but he's also not willing to do the required housework, so I end up having to make all the compromises. This way I get a clean house without sacrificing time I don't have, and he's none the wise. To be honest, apart from the obvious things, I doubt he'll even notice the house is especially clean...

OP posts:
BeetieBourke · 28/04/2021 16:23

Sorry for ridiculous typos.

OP posts:
BeetyAxe · 28/04/2021 16:24

Do it, but take half the money out of the joint account. You can’t do everything and you can’t let your son live in a dirty house.

StoneofDestiny · 28/04/2021 16:27

Just book a cleaner - no need for the secrecy.

SilverTotoro · 28/04/2021 16:27

It’s a tough one and sounds like a situation that would drive me mad! I think YABU for not telling him you’ve done it - but YANBU for wanting to get the cleaners in. I’d sit him down and say enough is enough - he either agrees to help and specifies when or you’re booking the cleaners.

Shmithecat2 · 28/04/2021 16:28

I voted YABU, but only with regards to lying about it. If the state of the house is getting to you and you have the spare money to pay someone to sort it, then do it! Sod what DH thinks. You're not asking him to do it or shell out for it. Just tell him what you're doing. No debate.

Illberidingshotgun · 28/04/2021 16:30

Do it, but don't keep it a secret. It's something that's affecting your mental health, and you and your DS are entitled to live in a clean, safe environment, even if your DH would choose not to.

It sounds like much of the day to day running of the house and family is left to you. Who does the cooking, washing, ironing, child care?

VettiyaIruken · 28/04/2021 16:31

He can fuck right off with his disapproval. I wouldn't do it secretly either! You're dodging your responsibility and I'm fed up of doing it so I'm getting a cleaner and you can pay for them too.

Disapprove indeed. Who's he think he is!

BeetieBourke · 28/04/2021 16:32

Also. DH would disapprove, not DS! Freudian slip??

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 28/04/2021 16:35

Do but don't make a secret of it. It's a necessary reset to get on top of things, and then after that there needs to be a proper conversation about how domestic life is shared.
The same thought had crossed my mind for different reasons.

Singlenotsingle · 28/04/2021 16:36

Get cleaners in, no problem. And just tell him. This is a decision you can make on your own, like a big brave girl. And just tell him, no reason why you should keep it a secret.

PinkCookie11 · 28/04/2021 16:36

Do it, for your own mental health more than anything.
once he sees it all lovely and clean would he come round to the idea of a cleaner?

apooagnuandyou · 28/04/2021 16:38

It's your house too, and you are supposed to be equal partners. Don't make a secret of it!

Tal45 · 28/04/2021 16:38

Tell him it's really getting to you and you feel over whelmed, if he still disapproves that's his problem. Get the cleaner but don't do it secretly.

Motherissues2020 · 28/04/2021 16:42

Yanbu to get a cleaner in. But I'd be worried if I couldn't talk to my DH about something like this or if he was so controlling about spending money that I felt I had to lie to him. Is he ever controlling about other things? Could he not look after his own DS so you can study or clean when needed?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/04/2021 16:44

If you pay for the whole of the cleaning and keep it a secret, that is the same as saying that you are responsible for all of it, that its down to you to pay your substitute and that you don't want to trouble him with it and that you feel guilty about it.
Its 2020. He lives there too. If the dirt has built up he needs to start noticing it like an adult and take 50 per cent of the responsibility. You need to stop feeling guilty about it. too.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/04/2021 16:45

Ha Ha. Its 2021 of course.. I'm still living a bit in the past.

JackieTheFart · 28/04/2021 16:47

I agree with others

Do it but not in secret. It’s fine that he doesn’t see dirt and doesn’t see the problem - but you do, and you have to live their too. He’s making your life more difficult by making things dirtier than they need and presumably not cleaning up after himself.

Housework isn’t just your responsibility.

DdraigGoch · 28/04/2021 16:49

Secrecy is not the way forward. By all means insist that a spring clean happens and offer him a choice between helping you spend a weekend doing it vs the family paying someone to come in and do it, but no good can come of lying.

BeetieBourke · 28/04/2021 16:51

Hmm, yes I see how not discussing it is still maintaining the problem.

I just can't be bothered with the disapproval. He's not 'controlling', but he is quite disparaging about things he generally doesn't agree with. Its a family trait. They all sort of look down on anyone who doesn't have the exact same view of the world they do. Its infuriating, but not abusive.

OP posts:
Candycane57 · 28/04/2021 17:13

Explain to him how important it is to you to have a tidy and clean house and also tell him how much it'll cost. Say it's up for discussion but not up for being cancelled because he's tight. If you can afford it, he can afford to 'allow' it! If he's really against it he'll have to start doing it himself!

Wellpark · 28/04/2021 17:32

If I were you and the dirt was really getting me down I'd get a cleaner. If you don't have the time or inclination to deal with his disapproval then don't tell him. Perhaps consider having it out with him when things generally are less fraught. Then you can point out how nice it has been for all of you to live in a clean home.

themalamander · 28/04/2021 17:36

Your son cannot grow up in a dirty house. If it's really dusty and cobwebs are everywhere then his wee lungs are breathing all that in constantly. It's not like being outside; it's a confined space fill of dust and yuk.
Clean the house or get a cleaner but if you're both low I come then you should really think about getting into a routine of cleaning it yourselves.

NicolaDunsire · 28/04/2021 17:36

Haha I had a secret cleaner for a while. Got caught out when DH came home unexpectedly shortly before the cleaner arrived!

Shinesun14 · 28/04/2021 17:37

Do it and tell him once its done. Fuck it

GreenSlide · 28/04/2021 17:42

@Shinesun14

Do it and tell him once its done. Fuck it
Yeah do this. Also tell him he's paying half.