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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To secretly pay someone to clean my house?

67 replies

BeetieBourke · 28/04/2021 16:21

My house is a tip. Its tidy, but frankly filthy. We live in the country which means mud is a feature of our lives A LOT. It's an old house with lots of beams and stone, which isn't quick to clean.

DH has a mucky manual job, and thinks having to change clothes when he gets in, not trapsing crap everywhere etc is excessive. He also believes dusting is uneccesary (very rural + open fires + dog + DH = lots of cobwebs and dust). He doesn't believe housework is my job, he just doesn't see dirt or think its a problem.

We have a 5yr old DS. I am a full time student and juggling parenting/school closures/covid/academic work has not been a picnic. I've neglected thorough housework because I've just not had time. We've all been home a lot more, which makes the place feel more lived in.

Its starting to do my head in. I can't think straight for all the dust, filthy windows, and other jobs that need doing. I also sent have time to take a whole day or two out of valuable time when my son is in school to properly tackle it.

DH also also notoriously tight/careful with money. We are on a low income + some student grants. But because student funding is paid termly I have quite a chunk of money which I transfer into our joint account monthly and a tiny bit left over.

WIBU to use some of this money to pay a cleaning company to do a one off spring clean, and then basically lie about it? I know DS would disapprove, but he's also not willing to do the required housework, so I end up having to make all the compromises. This way I get a clean house without sacrificing time I don't have, and he's none the wise. To be honest, apart from the obvious things, I doubt he'll even notice the house is especially clean...

OP posts:
BeechTreeView · 28/04/2021 17:48

@BeetieBourke

Hmm, yes I see how not discussing it is still maintaining the problem.

I just can't be bothered with the disapproval. He's not 'controlling', but he is quite disparaging about things he generally doesn't agree with. Its a family trait. They all sort of look down on anyone who doesn't have the exact same view of the world they do. Its infuriating, but not abusive.

Well you can be disparaging about people who don't have cleaners then. Just do it. You'll be happier. If you spend the rest of your life not doing stuff because he's being disparaging you'll end up with a much smaller life.

And from joint account. It's a household bill.

IHateThinkingUpANewUsername · 28/04/2021 17:50

I’d sit him down, tell him the house is a shit tip and he has until May 1st to help you sort it or you’re booking a cleaner.

IHateThinkingUpANewUsername · 28/04/2021 17:52

So apparently it’s the 28th today, I’d give it until 3rd May Grin

Pokske · 28/04/2021 18:00

Try and look for a cleaner who would come let's say every two months. That's not unreasonable moneywise and you get to live in a clean house every now and again.

GintyMcGinty · 28/04/2021 18:03

YANBU for wanting and paying for a cleaner
YABU to make it a secret

Original poster
BeetieBourke · 28/04/2021 20:25

Its hard because I feel like having a cleaner is a massive luxury (and my working class badge makes me feel stupidly chippy about it) but in a time when one salary isn't enough to cover living costs bringing up a family, what are we supposed to do?

Lockdowns and having DS home full time for an age have meant I'm behind with uni work (which uni has been great about) and I have to really get my head down to keep up the standard. I've been getting A+ marks and I'd be gutted if I got less than a first after all this juggling and work because HOUSEWORK.

I guess I wasn't ever considering outright lying to him. Just not mentioning it unless he asks, which I highly doubt he would.

OP posts:
User0ne · 28/04/2021 20:49

I put YABU because like hell should you be paying for it. It's a joint expense so it should come out of the joint pot.

Have a conversation and if he doesn't want to pay for it he can pull his sleeves up, do some cleaning and start getting changed when he gets in

babbi · 28/04/2021 20:57

My friend had a cleaner for 4 years and her husband never knew .
Lady came every Wednesday did 6 hours and left before he came home .
She didn’t have kids and we lived in Spain ... she spent Wednesday on the beach and having nice lunch 😂

Go for it OP - you will feel so much better for it !

freecuthbert · 28/04/2021 21:02

If you can afford it, do it. But I think honesty is the best policy, but that doesn't mean you need your partner's approval as at the end of the day the house needs a good deep clean but you simply don't have the time to dedicate to such a big job at the moment. I would tell him you've booked a cleaner, and if he isn't happy about money being spent on this, then hopefully it motivates him to get more involved in the cleaning in the future.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 28/04/2021 21:35

My MIL rolled her eyes when we got a cleaner, I think she wondered why on earth I couldn't keep on top of my wifely duties.

DH is also careful with money and hadn't initially been keen on the idea. We've not had our cleaners in for ages due to Covid but now DH is then one who wants them back 😂😂.

MotherWol · 28/04/2021 21:36

I just can't be bothered with the disapproval. He's not 'controlling', but he is quite disparaging about things he generally doesn't agree with

Be disapproving right back at him. He doesn’t approve of getting a cleaner? You don’t approve of men who don’t pull their weight around the house and let their kids grow up in filth. He’s not the only one who gets to have an opinion, and you don’t need his approval or agreement when it comes to making decisions about your home.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 28/04/2021 21:36

I have a friend who gets someone in to do all her ironing but doesn't tell her husband Grin

LangClegsInSpace · 28/04/2021 22:34

Cleaning is work.

It takes up the valuable time of whoever does it, whether that's you, a cleaner or your husband (lol) and whether it's paid or unpaid.

Your husband doesn't believe that cleaning is work, he sees it as utterly worthless. The plan you have outlined is to collude with your husband in his belief that this work is worthless.

If you collude with this now, where will you be in a few years' time?

It's a shitty attitude to have if you're considering employing a cleaner but as long as you don't let on that you consider what she does to be worthless, and that her time is not valuable, and as long as you pay her properly and respect her employment rights, then I'm sure she'll be happy to work for you.

Men who 'don't see' dirt or mess make terrible partners IME. They 'don't see' it because they consider it nothing to do with them - not their responsibility and not something they will ever be judged on.

It's worth noting how few of these men end up living in absolute squalor when their partners finally have had enough and leave. They usually just latch on to the next chump of a woman who will clean up after them.

You are every bit as entitled as he is to live in a home in which you feel comfortable. You don't have to live in squalor just because he 'doesn't see' dirt.

If you need a cleaner then go for it but respect her work and her time. Cleaning is work and you know it's valuable because the lack of housework is 'starting to do my head in'.

If you need to keep it a secret then do that but think very hard about what that says about your relationship. Apart from anything else you have a 5 year old son. What is he learning from the main male role model in his life?

LimeCoconut · 28/04/2021 22:46

OP, it’s better to get a 2.1 degree and your child be brought up in a safe and sanitary environment than it is to get the first you want and live in filth. As PP have mentioned this isn’t good for him on many levels. The dust, cobwebs etc. are all being breathed in by him daily. Not to mention the lessons he’s learning about how to maintain a home, what a decent standard of living is, whose responsibility housework is.

He might seem okay with it because he doesn’t know any different but you really need to get it sorted. I’d openly get the cleaner and going forward find a balance so you and DH are both cleaning often and deeply enough to keep the environment clean enough for a child. If that means your grades slip a little then tbh, so be it. And same goes for your husband taking time out of whatever he’s filling his time with.

Original poster
BeetieBourke · 28/04/2021 23:05

I'm with you on the 'what my child will learn about housework' thing, but its not at a level where its a danger to his health. Maybe my standards are low too. I grew up on a farm. Dirt is normal and to an extent healthy. Lots of research suggests children exposed to some dirt have fewer allergies etc (of course mould and dust mites etc are problematic) It just needs cleaning fairly regularly. Even if we had a cleaner, our house would never be a dirt free zone.

OP posts:
LangClegsInSpace · 28/04/2021 23:15

If only the men who 'don't see' dirt and mess also didn't make dirt and mess then there'd be no problem. But of course they do because like the rest of us they are humans. They just expect the support humans, aka women, to sort it all out for them so they never have to even think about it.

You don't have to put up with this shit.

LangClegsInSpace · 28/04/2021 23:28

Dirt is normal and to an extent healthy.

I agree, but that's not what this thread is about.

The gist of your OP is that your home is grubby to the extent that it's doing your head in, your husband doesn't see dirt or mess and would disapprove of you spending family money to sort it out, so you're considering emloying a cleaner secretly.

FeelinHappy · 29/04/2021 00:12

What normally happens when you disagree about something?

It's not healthy to just lie about it. You don't need him to accept that the cleaning needs doing, but you can ask that he accept that it's important to you and he should help for that reason. His choice perhaps whether that's by physically doing it together or by sharing the cost of a cleaner. I bet there are things he's bought, or family things you've done, just because he wanted to, and you went along with it for his sake.

LangClegsInSpace · 29/04/2021 00:37

@LimeCoconut

OP, it’s better to get a 2.1 degree and your child be brought up in a safe and sanitary environment than it is to get the first you want and live in filth. As PP have mentioned this isn’t good for him on many levels. The dust, cobwebs etc. are all being breathed in by him daily. Not to mention the lessons he’s learning about how to maintain a home, what a decent standard of living is, whose responsibility housework is.

He might seem okay with it because he doesn’t know any different but you really need to get it sorted. I’d openly get the cleaner and going forward find a balance so you and DH are both cleaning often and deeply enough to keep the environment clean enough for a child. If that means your grades slip a little then tbh, so be it. And same goes for your husband taking time out of whatever he’s filling his time with.

Alternatively you could bin the husband, get a first and not live in filth.
EmeraldShamrock · 29/04/2021 00:41

Definitely, you'll need specific deep cleaning for starters then move to a weekly clean if you can afford it.
Cleaning is not for everyone I spend lots of time doing it, I'm crap at it but keep going.
I was thinking of getting a sneaky cleaner to do the internal doors etc free my time to get a life back.

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2021 00:44

Do it, tell dh. And tell him it’s an opportunity to practice not looking down his nose at anything he disagrees with as it’s not the nicest way to behave to his wife, you’re a person not a robot programmed to agree with him.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/04/2021 00:47

I wouldn't worry about hiding it if finances are tight can you employ a cleaner and get a part time job. I know you're studying too, being stuck at home gets under the skin.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 29/04/2021 06:48

@MotherWol

I just can't be bothered with the disapproval. He's not 'controlling', but he is quite disparaging about things he generally doesn't agree with

Be disapproving right back at him. He doesn’t approve of getting a cleaner? You don’t approve of men who don’t pull their weight around the house and let their kids grow up in filth. He’s not the only one who gets to have an opinion, and you don’t need his approval or agreement when it comes to making decisions about your home.

This is spot on.
SwanShaped · 29/04/2021 06:55

Get a cleaner. It’ll make you feel better. And that’s worth it. It’s ok to outsource some housework if you’re really busy.

Trixie78 · 29/04/2021 06:58

Do it, do it, do it, whatever helps you and makes your life easier. As lies go it's no biggie, just don't mention it 💐👍

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