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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider ending it due to his family?

66 replies

breakingupslowly · 28/04/2021 09:02

I’ve been dating someone for a few months and it’s been very up and down - mostly down. But I’m thinking about the long term and what I want from life. His family is quite erm... (without wanting to sound disrespectful) a bit rough around the edges. His mum especially. She makes comments about how she hasn’t had sex in ages, and in general acts very vulgar and childish, talking about dildos etc at the dinner table.

I’ve been a single parent for a long time and this is my first boyfriend since my dc’s dad. I’m not ruling out another baby in the future, but if I did have one, I wouldn’t want her to be looking after it. Am I being a bit of a snob?

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 28/04/2021 09:07

When you say ‘mostly down’, why mostly? What else is an issue apart from his family?

If it was a great relationship in every other sense, it would seem a shame to end it over his family. But it isn’t going to be easy dating someone long-term in this scenario, so if there are other issues too, maybe it’s best to cut your losses.

The ‘snobbery’ element is a red herring. You don’t have to make a case in court for why you should be allowed to dislike people.

Original poster
breakingupslowly · 28/04/2021 09:14

We got off to a rocky start, as he couldn’t decide whether he wanted his ex back or whether he wanted me. Eventually he decided it was me he wanted but it still hurts. It’s good to have someone after being alone for so long but is this a good enough reason to keep it going. He makes me laugh and we have good times together, but I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
acceptableinthe80sx · 28/04/2021 09:16

I'd end it. You're obviously not head over heels for him and your looking for excuses to end it.
Life's to short to be with someone who'll just do, find someone who makes you really happy.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 28/04/2021 09:17

I wouldn't want to spend time or have my Dd spend time sitting round the table with his mother, she sounds very immature and inappropriate.
I'd move on, life isn't supposed to be that hard.

Whatisthisfuckery · 28/04/2021 09:19

Stop being silly. You’ve been seeing him for three months, which haven’t been great, and you dont’ like his family, so why would having a baby with him even enter your mind? Are you one of these women who thinks they need to have a sprog with every loser they fuck? Dont’ be stupid OP.

LolaSmiles · 28/04/2021 09:19

You're not being snobby at all, but this all sounds far too much drama for a new relationship.

At the start of a relationship both people should be really interested in each other and getting to know each other, not one person fannying around whether they want their ex or new person, doing some variation of the pick me dance and the other person feeling understandably hurt by their boyfriend's behaviour. Even without the mother's dildo talk at the table, you're probably better on your own than with someone who leaves you feeling like this.

Zancah · 28/04/2021 09:20

No, just move on. Can't believe you would want to stay in a relationship so new when its already such a disaster.

Tooshytoshine · 28/04/2021 09:21

Swerve this one.

You can do better.

User0ne · 28/04/2021 09:23

His family are for life not just for Christmas

But actually I would never have got that far with him as I would have ditched for the ex issue.

Time to up your standards OP

Voomster953 · 28/04/2021 09:23

Oh OP, it’s been ‘mostly down’ since the start, then raise your expectations of how you should be treated, bin him and his vulgar family off.

If someone doesn’t know if they ‘want’ you or their ex from the start, next time tell them you’ll make it easier for them and walk away.

takealettermsjones · 28/04/2021 09:23

@Whatisthisfuckery Was there any need for that? She's talking way down the line, in her future. If she wants to consider the long term prospects now, given that she already has a child to think of, then she can.

Dishwashersaurous · 28/04/2021 09:25

Why have you even met the mum let alone spent lots of time with her so early in a relationship.

But by the by, you say that the relationship is mostly down. If its mostly down this early then its not worth the effort. Irrespective of his family

nimbuscloud · 28/04/2021 09:25

End it.

Original poster
breakingupslowly · 28/04/2021 09:25

@Whatisthisfuckery not at all! In fact before I met him, I was dead against more kids. He’s keen to have one though so I started questioning whether or not I did too. I’m currently retraining so it would be bad timing really. And also there’s a massive gap in my salary and his so I’d be paying for most things 🤔. It’s not sounding good is it

OP posts:
Original poster
breakingupslowly · 28/04/2021 09:26

I met his mum after his dad walked out on her for another woman 🙄 and so it ended up happening way too fast. I’ve only met her twice but both times I got very bad vibes

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 28/04/2021 09:27

@breakingupslowly

We got off to a rocky start, as he couldn’t decide whether he wanted his ex back or whether he wanted me. Eventually he decided it was me he wanted but it still hurts. It’s good to have someone after being alone for so long but is this a good enough reason to keep it going. He makes me laugh and we have good times together, but I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️
‘Because I’d be on my own otherwise’ is never a good reason to stay in a relationship.
PerveenMistry · 28/04/2021 09:27

@Whatisthisfuckery

Stop being silly. You’ve been seeing him for three months, which haven’t been great, and you dont’ like his family, so why would having a baby with him even enter your mind? Are you one of these women who thinks they need to have a sprog with every loser they fuck? Dont’ be stupid OP.

Have to say this sums it up.

Sounds like a dud of a relationship.

CallMeCleo · 28/04/2021 09:27

"And also there’s a massive gap in my salary and his so I’d be paying for most things."

That is what they call "the final straw."

End it.

Original poster
breakingupslowly · 28/04/2021 09:29

@StillCoughingandLaughing I know 😩 I’ve been strong for so many years as a single woman and now I feel miserable to be alone again.

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 28/04/2021 09:29

Just move on. The start of a relationship shouldn’t be that hard. It sounds like you’d be better just friends.

Gothichouse40 · 28/04/2021 09:30

When you marry/commit to the person they come with the family. If you really don't like them run for the hills. If you have a child then that is a commitment for the rest of your days and the child's life. Quite frankly your boyfriends mother needs to tone it down but it's for your boyfriend or his family to say to her. You deal with your family, he deals with his. Personally, you don't sound all that enthused, you have to ask yourself really how you feel about him. Will he be worth putting up with a lifetime of misery from your in-laws?

Blacktothepink · 28/04/2021 09:32

End it.

LolaSmiles · 28/04/2021 09:33

Having any old man in your life won't make you less miserable OP.
It's easier said than done, but you need to hold yourself higher, feel good about yourself, find some interests or hobbies anything that helps you feel good in your own skin. Your self worth does not rest on whether there's another human in your bed at night.

Useless manchildren and men who aren't good people have an ability to search out women who they think will tolerate their shit. You're worth more.

FizzyApricot · 28/04/2021 09:35

You deserve someone who has no doubt in their mind they want to be with you.

Spied · 28/04/2021 09:38

He's not for you.

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