AIBU to think either men or their exes are lying about orgasms?!

[samosamo]

So, just listened to today's womans hour - bear with me! All about how only 20% of woman orgasms through vaginally sex alone. I knew this, but the conversation reminded me of conversations I've before when the man has said to me 'but all the women I've slept with before you have (because I so truly refuse to pretend, I think pretending will get neither of us anywhere if a mutual outcome is what were after!).

So, AIBU to think it's either the men, or the women they have been with, who are fibbing??!! Which do you think? (Unless of course, it's true and these men are just mr lover lover guys!!!)

I faked it with my ex. He was abusive, and it was easier to fake than endure an interrogation on why I didn't orgasm. It couldn't possibly have been him, of course.

Except, it was, really. He'd even ask what I liked, I'd tell him, only for him to do something slightly different in a "he knew best" kind of thing. Which meant I didn't get off.

Won't be putting up with this crap in future relationships.

I’m in the 80%

Any woman who fakes it, is doing a diservice to other women.

Likewise, it is not unreasonable for women to suggest to their partners what they should do to help get things right.

With my first few lovers they just assumed that I’d orgasmed during sex, and I didn’t correct them. Dunno if that counts as faking it, I was trying to avoid an awkward conversation 🤷‍♀️ They were brief relationships at uni so not exactly deep.

Once I got a long term boyfriend I educated him about the clitoris and things were fine.

I could never come just from penetration alone though. Maybe some women have their clitoris in a different place to mine!!

Men have done rather well out of this for centuries haven't they?. Not only are they the only ones to orgasm (generally), but they also get their egos stroked by women assuming there's something wrong with themselves if the don't, or by pretending they have. It's time for change ladies. 'Nope, dp, you haven't made me cum yet.'

"who spread the rumour that it always has to go on for literal hours to be good? Not a woman I'd guess"
Sting used to brag that he could have sex for hours because he was in to tantric sex. Then tantric sex was marketed at women. Which missed the point entirely.

It isn't just porn. Sex through the ages has been about men's wants. We've had religion thrown in which blocked women from exploring sexually. Pregnancy was once a genuine fear, but it didn't stop PIV, if only orgasm was the aim, PIV wasn't needed. I'm in the 20% and can orgasm through nipple stimulation. I'm with a man who has ED. Luckily he's a giver and I'm happy to ask for what I want. But he does admit that there's an intimacy missing of not being able to finish inside me. I think PIV is a ego thing for a man. Doggy etc takes them back to caveman days. Bit like BBQ season.

Sting used to brag that he could have sex for hours because he was in to tantric sex.

As I recall, he was subsequently forced to clarify that he didn't mean he could jackhammer for hours, but that a session, also involving lots of touching and looking and mind melding or whatever, would go on for hours.

Even though it's not necessarily linked to my orgasm, I do feel there is something... fundamentally satisfying about PIV and a man coming inside me. I wouldn't want it to be absent from my repertoire, even if I were getting off in other ways.

I don't think the O's are the responsibility of men. Unless they are done in minutes there is enough time for women to achieve it. If we learn the way we know how to get there.

@BlueJag

I don't think the O's are the responsibility of men. Unless they are done in minutes there is enough time for women to achieve it. If we learn the way we know how to get there.

Well it's not NOT their responsibility I view it as my responsibility to at least contribute to and facilitate my partner's orgasm. I'm not a passive receptacle or bystander

I think men can also misinterpret stuff as evidence of an orgasm.
e.g. one man who thought that a woman getting wet=orgasm. Ummm no... That is an extreme example but there are also lots who would assume that any vocalisation at all from a woman=orgasm. Again, no but someone can be "enjoying" sex and not actually orgasm. Likewise, some women vocalising to try to be encouraging/because they think thats what your supposed to do. Some woman won't even necessarily know what an orgasm is (especially if younger/less experienced) and maybe think they have come when they havent. And some women will conciously fake it for a variety of reasons.
But its not as simple as "all these dishonest women faking it"

I believe women fake it, for a few reasons. They don't want the guy to feel bad and they are subtly taught that the most desirable women are super orgasmic (and now apparently need to wet the bed like a super soaker).

I have never met a man who didn't believe all women always orgasmed through penetration with him. Then when I laugh and tell him they were faking, there is a nonplussed look.

It really does no one any favours but I see why it happens.

Er, don't you just combine touching your clit at the same time as PIV? So it's not exclusively a vaginal orgasm, but it happens during penetration. Works for me!

Back to a previous comment: this needs to be part of sex education to counter the message from the porn industry and the misogynists who think sex is all about the men!

Generally it is the woman who fibs. Spose it depends on if it's a ONS or if it may go further also if it is a couple of quickies that you had whilst drunk does anyone really care ? If you are planning on them being around for a short time then I found it wasn't a problem and I just lied a bit in order to give the man an ego boost as they seem to need these, and it makes them happy (bless them). If someone i actually cared about and wanted to be around for more time I would tell the truth then you can work on it together.

My husband has to give me oral for an initial orgasm and only then can I orgasm again with PIV.
I have always felt so frustrated with not being able to orgasm through PIV alone. Always wondered if it was just me.

I wondered about his with the current partner. For about a year all we did was have straight sex, no foreplay, I never orgasmed. I got fed up and showed him where my clitoris was. I explained that most women need that stimulation he said he knew. So what had happened in all his previous relationships then? Had they fakes it? Did he think that piv worked for them? I think most men would like to believe that then can bring women to orgasm with the power of their mighty tool alone .
We use a vibe now and it’s much better.
Weirdly before him all my many previous lovers knew what to do and I never had to fake it.

Oh my god, that reminds me... some guy I was seeing in the past told me I need to see a medical professional about not being able to orgasm from penetrative sex. He said I must have some kind of psychological trauma that prevents me from doing so. I binned him right after that! I refuse to fake it just to please some idiot like him.

I can have little orgasms sometimes if I'm on top & leaning forward at a particular angle.

Nothing like as intense as when my clitoris is being stimulated, either separately or at the same time - DP has just about got the knack now but I'm still better at it

Any guy who believes a fake orgasm, can't have ever been inside a woman when she's had a real orgasm. You can fake the "ooh ah", but not the internal spasms surely!

very true Blue

@Bluedeblue
You can definitely do a fluttery pelvic spasm to fake an orgasm.

So much effort!

I’m sure there’s reasons why women fake it.

I never have, because I’d feel like I was doing myself a disservice. What’s the point if there’s no pleasure to be had 😂

[quote Sunnyday321]@Bluedeblue
You can definitely do a fluttery pelvic spasm to fake an orgasm.[/quote]
Yep, I’ve never faked but it wouldn’t be difficult seriously. You can easily fake wetness by slipping some saliva down there when it’s dark (something people often do openly anyway for lubrication) and clench your muscles in a rhythm to imitate it. Not every woman is the same either so a guy isn’t likely to quiz her because he didn’t think the muscle contractions were spaced properly.

@AbsentmindedWoman That's really interesting- sorry if TMI but do you know if there is a difference between thicker, creamier (sorry bit gross) cum and the thinner, less viscous kind? I tend to get the former from PIV and the latter from a clit orgasm, but I've never been able to work out why, or if one of them is the natural lubricant sometimes talked about.