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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get DS (18) at college to ask his Dad for maintenance?

59 replies

Rejoiningperson · 27/04/2021 15:58

Have separated from my son’s Dad for many years, DS has always lived with me almost full-time. Now DS is at college, full-time, and still lives with me as he can’t afford to rent or pay bills. He will be there for 3 years and live with me for at least two otherwise he’d have to give up the course and get a job instead. He loves his course, it’s fantastic, he’s happier than he’s ever been.

But his Dad stopped maintenance 7 months ago and won’t pay it anymore. I’m furious as it’s left for me to keep a roof over his head, pay bills and his food.

I’ve asked his Dad to contribute but he says a flat out No. However I know that if his son asked, he’d find it hard to refuse. He really wants to be seen as a great Dad, and buys DS gifts all the time.

AIBU to get DS to ask his Dad for continued support (to me or him)? Sick of being left carrying it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejoiningperson · 27/04/2021 15:59

And to make it clear, he stays with his Dad for one weekend every 3 months.

OP posts:
Spottyphonecase · 27/04/2021 16:00

How old is DS?

Spottyphonecase · 27/04/2021 16:01

Sorry I just read the title and it says that he is 18.

Legally I don’t think he has to but I may be wrong. Morally he is a twat for not supporting his son.

booksandnooks · 27/04/2021 16:02

What a twat. He wants to be seen as a great dad? bit late for that

Tottie · 27/04/2021 16:03

Is he at college or university?

minniemomo · 27/04/2021 16:07

I've demanded that exh pays maintenance until the kids graduate university or he has to house them (he doesn't want to or rather his dp has a child and there's no space for two young adults) he pays up every month!

nettytree · 27/04/2021 16:07

Why does your son not get a pt job?

HollowTalk · 27/04/2021 16:10

Perhaps your son could say, "Dad, can I have the money instead of presents in future as I'm really broke"?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 27/04/2021 16:10

I'd be encouraging my son to get a part time job too. Theres a lot to be said for standing on your own two feet.

ElsieMc · 27/04/2021 16:10

You have to pay child support for your children whilst they are in education or training, excluding university, up to 20 years of age. You do not stop if they are 18, only if they are working and earning a wage.

My gs is going back to college in September to stay in education but he is applying for apprenticeships. The sooner the better for me as I want to have no further contact with the CMS and my gs's dad.

I do not understand anyone who does not want to support their children. Buying things does not cut it. It is the everyday stuff, petrol, car, home, heating, food, clothes etc. However, it will place your son in a difficult situation, one that he may not want to find himself in.

Did you not use CMS initially because he meets the criteria for continued child support due to him being in education.

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 27/04/2021 16:12

Is he eligible for student finance? You don't say what sort of course he's doing, but if it's degree level he'll be eligible.

merryhouse · 27/04/2021 16:15

Is there no maintenance funding available for the course? (Your use of the word college makes me think either you're not in the uk or it's not a standard HE course, or both)

It's always worth a try, at any rate. Would you be prepared to be painted as the bad guy ("mum's talking about needing to charge me rent")?

HavelockVetinari · 27/04/2021 16:32

I don't think it's fair to put that conversation onto DS - I'd make a CMS claim instead. He's legally obliged to pay till DS is 20 if he's in full time education.

Original poster
Rejoiningperson · 27/04/2021 16:35

He get a very small maintenance which is spent on laptop & books.
He does work a few hours a week, and that money is used for all his going out expenses like the bus.
His college is full-time and to be honest he struggled massively with education, (struggles and takes a long time over assignments) and so I’m loathe to put a huge burden on him to earn his keep too. This course is massively good for him, and will lead into a vocation he loves.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejoiningperson · 27/04/2021 16:36

@merryhouse totally fine with being the bad guy!

OP posts:
josarmyx · 27/04/2021 16:37

Maintenance is paid until the age of 20, as long as a child is in full time (non-advanced) education, apply to the CMS.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/04/2021 16:39

@HavelockVetinari

I don't think it's fair to put that conversation onto DS - I'd make a CMS claim instead. He's legally obliged to pay till DS is 20 if he's in full time education.
I agree. Don’t bring him into this. It’s not his issue and may make him feel like he’s in the wrong to be in college and living at home.
HavelockVetinari · 27/04/2021 16:39

I've just thought - are you in the UK? As CMS is country-specific.

Original poster
Rejoiningperson · 27/04/2021 16:42

No we didn’t use CMS, he paid a low amount most of his life to be honest, and he works a lot cash in hand and may well be using the pandemic to say he’s not able to work (in the trades) but I know full well he’s working all the time!

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 27/04/2021 16:53

No real advice but currently in exactly the same situation! (With an ex who lives in a £1.4m house in America and doesn’t work at 44 as he’s “retired” and is now married to someone very high up in a company which is a US household name)!

Original poster
Rejoiningperson · 27/04/2021 16:58

I admit there is a part of me that wants my son to see that women are not martyrs and a ‘great Dad’ is one who takes care of his son properly.

But on the other hand I do want my son to have a great time learning at college without burdens - it took a huge amount of support to get him there.

Also sorry @Bagelsandbrie you have my full sympathies (Ex has just inherited and has also just married a very wealthy woman!)

OP posts:
blueluce85 · 27/04/2021 18:26

I said YABU but only because I think you should go through the CMS and not through your son, I don't think that is fair

Deadpoet1 · 27/04/2021 18:41

Why can't your son get a job to help with bills?

gottakeeponmovin · 27/04/2021 18:43

Why should her 18 year old son help pay the bills. His Dad should be doing it. Go through CM/S not your son

Deadpoet1 · 27/04/2021 18:46

Sorry I pushed post by mistake.
Why can't your son get a job to help with the bills?
I do understand you want him to be worry free and get in with his college course but, if you're struggling then it's only fair. His dad doesn't legally have to pay a penny towards his upkeep now ( morally he definitely should ) he's an arse. Looking after your children doesn't stop on their 18th birthday.
It can be done though. My 17 year old is at sixth form full time and also works 37 hours a week at her job ( she likes clothes 🙄) It does take good time management skills but it can definitely be done.

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