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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get DS (18) at college to ask his Dad for maintenance?

59 replies

Rejoiningperson · 27/04/2021 15:58

Have separated from my son’s Dad for many years, DS has always lived with me almost full-time. Now DS is at college, full-time, and still lives with me as he can’t afford to rent or pay bills. He will be there for 3 years and live with me for at least two otherwise he’d have to give up the course and get a job instead. He loves his course, it’s fantastic, he’s happier than he’s ever been.

But his Dad stopped maintenance 7 months ago and won’t pay it anymore. I’m furious as it’s left for me to keep a roof over his head, pay bills and his food.

I’ve asked his Dad to contribute but he says a flat out No. However I know that if his son asked, he’d find it hard to refuse. He really wants to be seen as a great Dad, and buys DS gifts all the time.

AIBU to get DS to ask his Dad for continued support (to me or him)? Sick of being left carrying it!

OP posts:
lockdownalli · 27/04/2021 18:46

What level is the course/qualification OP?

If it is level 3 or below, his father has to continue to provide financial support until he is 20 as PP have explained.

Go via CMS.

Fuck him!

daisypond · 27/04/2021 18:55

Not all 17/18 year olds at college can have big part time jobs. As the OP has said, her son has struggled with education, so probably isn’t the sort to bang out an essay on Nietzsche ( or the vocational equivalent) in between shifts at the local cafe. And in case people haven’t noticed, there’s a dearth of jobs right now. His father is a disgrace. He should be supporting him. The OP’s son needs to concentrate on college.

CoolCatTaco · 27/04/2021 18:57

It depends on what type of education your son is in. If he's in a non advanced second level education then maintenance is payable until 20 but not third level i.e.university. Depending on circumstances, the student can pursue the NRP for maintenance at uni but the RP can't. TBH I think you son should get a PT job.

Pinkyavocado · 27/04/2021 18:57

When my step daughter went to Uni we transferred the maintenance to her as she was living there. What a twat not wanting to support his son. I thought as long as they were in full time education it still got paid.

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 27/04/2021 19:04

You don’t say what level the course is. If it’s not university dad should be paying until he’s 20. Go through CMS.

MadeForThis · 27/04/2021 19:13

Go through CMS.

Hankunamatata · 27/04/2021 19:19

www.gov.uk/manage-child-maintenance-case/changes-you-need-to-report
Send him this stating he needs to pay maintenance.

MagnoliaXYZ · 27/04/2021 21:23

I don't think it's fair to ask your son to ask his dad for money - that is putting him in an awkward position.

Original poster
Rejoiningperson · 27/04/2021 22:38

Thanks I checked with CMS, they say that it has to be non-advanced education (A level or equivalent) and therefore CMS won’t need to be paid. That doesn’t seem right. Sad

I might have to ask for money from DS but in all honesty he has very little time to earn and struggles to complete all his college work as it is.

OP posts:
Bloodypunkrockers · 28/04/2021 01:33

I had no idea DD could have been getting maintenance albeit a pittance

Ex arsehole stopped paying the month before her 18th even though she was still at school

She has ASN so is doing a four year skills based course at college.

Maybe we should apply for back money

EmmaJR1 · 28/04/2021 08:04

This is so tough. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I don't think your son should have to find work to pay bills because studying is a full time job on its own for some. I was one of those and ended up leaving education because I couldn't do both.

But I also don't think your son should have to be involved asking his dad for maintenance.

Does he (your son) know the financial situation?

lockdownalli · 28/04/2021 19:03

@Rejoiningperson

Thanks I checked with CMS, they say that it has to be non-advanced education (A level or equivalent) and therefore CMS won’t need to be paid. That doesn’t seem right. Sad

I might have to ask for money from DS but in all honesty he has very little time to earn and struggles to complete all his college work as it is.

What qual is he doing then? If it is level 3 or below, like a BTEC, he will be eligible. He won't be eligible if it is Level 4 or above.

I would not ask DS for money in this situation.

Mojoj · 28/04/2021 19:07

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe so his mum should continue to keep their son until he graduates? I'm all for young people getting a part time job to help out but why shouldn't his arsehole of a dad help his son out?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/04/2021 19:24

I would not ask DS for money in this situation

Neither would I. He is still in education.

I’d rather cut back or get a second job than expect my children to drop college or work around it just to live at home.

Original poster
Rejoiningperson · 29/04/2021 15:01

Thanks all. I did a bit more investigating, apparently CMS will not be due for higher than A levels level education - which I think is pretty rubbish. Kids are saddled with enough debt as it is especially from poorer backgrounds.

But if I had had a court maintenance order in place before DS was 18, his father would have to pay for full-time education (e.g. University) until he finished.

DS could now ask the court to pursue a maintenance order from his father, but I can’t.

I have decided to ask DS to pay a small amount to me and will have a frank talk to him and be open that his father is not paying maintenance, and yet my housing, food and bills costs for DS have not changed. Basically if I didn’t house DS he would have to give up his course and get a job.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 29/04/2021 15:05

@nettytree

Why does your son not get a pt job?
FFS
  1. the op's child is still in education. His PARENTS should support him
  2. The jobs most young people go for at his age have been hit hard with the pandemic. Not all young people can just go out and 'get a job'
spotcheck · 29/04/2021 15:10

OP
What is the course?
What level?

Loveacoseynightin · 29/04/2021 17:03

Why should a NRP pay Child Maintenance for an 18 year old. They're no longer a child their an adult.

If anything the NRP could give the 18 year old the money.

Typical entitled RP

poppycat10 · 29/04/2021 17:08

If your son needs maintenance because he is studying, then his father should step up - the fact he's married a rich woman is irrelevant as she does not have any obligations towards his son, but if he has received an inheritance it would be nice of him to share. What reason does he give for not thinking he should contribute other than being a twit with an a?

I think your son should get a PT job if he can but not to help pay the bills, just to buy things for himself. You're his mother and you should support him until he has a "proper" job (within reason but certainly at the age of 18).

poppycat10 · 29/04/2021 17:09

I have decided to ask DS to pay a small amount to me and will have a frank talk to him and be open that his father is not paying maintenance, and yet my housing, food and bills costs for DS have not changed. Basically if I didn’t house DS he would have to give up his course and get a job

That's what parents do. Your son is 18, not 28.

junebirthdaygirl · 29/04/2021 21:00

Could he ask his Dad for stuff he needs? So Dad l"m skint and have no money for my bus fare this month. So gradually get used to going to his Dad when needs something. I know that leaves you paying the boring bills but it might relieve pressure.
His df is a right waster of a dad not to want to encourage his ds in his study as he seems to be doing so well. Hopefully your ds will get a good job over the Summer holidays to be able to put money aside for term time. Could his dad be any help in finding him a job say in his workplace so prove some way useful.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 29/04/2021 22:34

I work in FE and deal with this sort of thing all the time
Speak to the college, your son should be getting some sort of study support bursary and free school meals when at college, usually on some sort of preloaded card at around £4 a day, college transport should also be paid for - how does your son get to college, does he use a college bus?

What exact course is he doing ? You can pm me if you want. Is it higher than a L3 extended diploma? At 18 I can’t see how he can be doing a L4 or 5 course without having got his L3 first but you say he has struggled with eduction? It’s important you know exactly what level this course is and you can access a lot more help. Pre-19 and on L3, lots more help is available.

Original poster
Rejoiningperson · 01/05/2021 01:29

Typical entitled RP are you my Ex?

Thanks again people (but not you @Loveacoseynightin why don’t you tell my son to give up his course and get out my house, sorted. Cosy is without an E)

@Blueeyedgirl21 he doesn’t have access to meals, it’s higher than level 3, but he does have a small support bursary which goes on books and equipment, I’ve been covering bus but it’s been online for a bit
@junebirthdaygirl he does ask his Dad but for nice things like games, which his Dad gives him, which annoys me as his Dad ‘feels’ he’s giving him some money but food and mortgage are all on me! DS does earn a little which then goes on clothes as I’ve stopped buying them for him.
@spotcheck he’s a really great young man, he’s looked for jobs everywhere but it’s been so hard with Covid - and his course is full-on and full-time. As I said he does earn a small amount which goes on clothes. Unfortunately I do think I’ll have to ask him for some money, even if it to contribute to the food bill, I just can’t keep subsiding every bloody thing and I can only work part time myself as I’m main carer of a very disabled child. Life sucks sometimes!

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/05/2021 07:20

You’d have the mortgage with or without him. Providing a home is what parents do. Is there an option for him to oove with his dad if you don’t want to support him past 18

Original poster
Rejoiningperson · 01/05/2021 12:11

No actually I would be in a totally different home if my son wasn’t living here, I don’t have the luxury of ‘just having a mortgage that I can pay anyway’ with a big spare room for my son.
Neither do I have magically enough food for my son, or the extra bills, without there being a monetary impact.

Strangely enough, people living in your home do cost money! Shock horror!

Strangely enough, his father doesn’t have ‘room’ for him and his girlfriend (and never has he has always had to sleep on the couch) and doesn’t want a big young man in the living room when he’s having cosy nights in with his girlfriend.

providing a home is what parents do well either my son is still dependent or he isn’t. When he was younger at least there was some recognition and therefore I got maintenance because I was the resident parent and his Dad saw him only now and then as for him providing a home wasn’t what parents do

OP posts:
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